Of all the comments left on my What Do You Want Me to Write About post, I read this one and knew I had to respond to it:
I’d love to know about the things that challenge you. I know you say that you don’t have everything together, you have a great team working for you, and that you are definitely not supermom.. but it still seems like you don’t struggle at all. I’m not talking about a fear of public speaking that you were able to overcome (and good for you!) .. I’m talking about real life.. how are you a human being and not a machine? -Jenna
Truly, Jenna, I wish you could have dropped by my house last week.
You see, last week was a B-A-D week. Really bad.
For five weeks, we’d been running, running, and running. Packing up our house in Kansas, driving 15 hours in one trip to TN, unpacking in our new house in TN, multiple speaking engagements in different states, a wild trip back to Kansas as a family, get-togethers with friends old and new, finding our way around in a new town, hosting out-of-town guests, and starting summer activities, all while running a business and adjusting to a completely new schedule and way of life.
And all that running caught up with me. And I was just plain tired. Bone tired.
The adrenaline wore off last week and the tiredness hit me like a mac truck and engulfed every area of my life. I was irritable. I was on edge. I was creatively drained. And I felt like I had nothing to give to anyone.
I stayed home as much as possible, considered not getting out of bed at all one morning, and was generally a really grouchy person to be around. My poor family and close friends had to deal with a yoga-panted mess of a woman with unfixed hair and a sassy, rude attitude for a few days.
Trust me: it wasn’t pretty.
So yes, I’m very, very human. And my family and close friends will be happy to vouch for this if you have any questions as to the validity of that statement. 😉
I share all this in hopes that it encourages you, Jenna. I’m a work in progress just like everyone else.
There are so many issues I struggle with — insecurity, fear of what others will think of me, being a perfectionist, over-analyzing things, feeling like I’m not good enough, comparing myself to others, speaking before I think, lack of patience, among many other things.
Pretty much every day, I feel so very, very inadequate to be writing, speaking, or blogging about anything since clearly I’ve got a boatload of my own issues to work on. And there have many many, many days when I’ve seriously considered deleting this blog and maybe buying a one-way ticket to some foreign country.
However, truly, I look back over the past five years and realize how many healing has gone on in my heart. I still struggle with fear, insecurity, being a people-pleaser — and a host of other things — but not in the acute, debilitating way I used to.
The opportunities that have resulted from blogging: meeting new people, stepping outside my comfort zone, speaking, traveling, consulting — these things that would have been absolutely and downright frightening to me a few years ago — have been a major part in my own personal healing.
The authentic relationships I’ve formed as a result of blogging — with people who won’t let me settle for less than being the best I can be, people who love me enough to wholeheartedly celebrate my gifts and also to speak truth into my life when I need to hear it most — these people have been deeply instrumental in helping me change from the inside out.
And so, I continue to blog, write, and speak. Even when I feel so unqualified and incompetent (which is pretty much every day!). Because I know it’s what I’m supposed to do right now… despite my short-comings, failures, and struggles.
Thank you, each of you, for joining me on this journey. I appreciate you so much!
