Money Saving Mom®

I received a letter in the mail a few weeks ago, the likes of which I had never received before.

You see, I get letters from readers often, but this one wasn’t a letter to say thanks or to share a reader’s story or recommend a product or even suggest a different viewpoint.

Nope.

This anonymous letter was straight up blasting one of my kids and my parenting of this child in a very scathing way.

I’ve received lots of constructive criticism over the years. I delete negative comments and emails pretty much every day. I often have to block commenters who are unkind and ugly toward me or other commenters.

But this the letter called my child horrible names and was so utterly hateful and shaming that I immediately had my husband shred it lest my child see the terrible names they were being called.

I won’t lie and pretend it didn’t bother me. Over the years, I have developed pretty thick skin for comments or disagreements that are directed to me, but you bring my kids into it and this Mama Bear gets fired up.

In fact, my first thought was, “How DARE you write in and scream hateful things about my child!!” {Yes, that may not have been the most gracious thought, but I’m just being truthful here!}

Instead of letting myself stay there all upset, I intentionally decided to do three things. And these three things helped me to process through this situation in a much healthier way than just being angry and upset.

The next time you are in situation where you are the recipient of shameful and hurtful words, I wanted to share these three things I did with you in hopes that maybe they’d help you, too:

1. Don’t Let Other’s Words Define You

When you receive hurtful and derogatory comments, you can instantly go to a place of shame. It is very easy to start thinking you are not good enough, that you’ve failed, that you are a horrible person.

Here’s the truth, though: Other’s words only have power over us if we choose to allow them to. Their words might hurt. They might cut deep. They might sting. But they don’t have to define us.

In the case of this letter, I cannot base my parenting decisions upon what others think of me. I cannot let other’s frustrations with my parenting decisions be what determines how I’m parenting. Other people are not my parenting barometer.

God has uniquely gifted my husband and me to parent our own kids. We are responsible before God only for how we raise our kids. While we can learn from other parents and be inspired by other parents, ultimately, we are our own kids parents. No one else is.

So when someone — who is anonymous and who doesn’t know me at all — says I’m a terrible parent and calls my child names, that has no bearing on me as a parent. I reminded myself of this after I read the letter and chose to not let their scathing words define me as a mom.

2. Do Consider Their Perspective

While we shouldn’t let what other people say about us define us, there still may be truth in their words. And I believe it’s important to pay attention to what truths might be there that we need to consider.

Step back and really consider their words — not the way they were said or how they were delivered — but instead, just consider the words themselves and ask yourself, “Is there any truth or merit in what this person is saying?”

Did I do something that was hurtful? Did I say something that was unnecessary? Did I have an unkind attitude?

Just because someone says something that is hurtful doesn’t mean we should discount everything they said. I know in my life, some of the things people have said that have initially been hurtful, were actually words I needed to hear. They opened up my eyes to a flaw or blind spot or area in my life that I needed to work on.

One thing I’ve found helpful is to have people in my life who have earned the right to speak truth and then to process hurts with them. Read them the text or letter or email that was sent to you. Tell them exactly what someone said to you or accused you of and ask them to help you discern whether there is truth to what was said.

Many times, having an outside unbiased perspective on the situation can give us clarity that we wouldn’t have if we were just trying to process through the situation or hurtful words by ourself.

If you realize that you have made a mistake, admit it and own it. We all make mistakes and fail. Don’t pretend you have it all together or never make mistakes. Don’t pretend you are never at fault. Because sometimes, you are. 

I’ve been blogging for the last 11 years and believe me, I’ve failed many times. I’ve responded to comments ungraciously. There have been times I’ve returned snark with snark or tried to defend myself when I should have just stayed quiet. I’ve had to take posts down and make apologies and ask for forgiveness.

In the case of the accusatory letter, after reading it, I asked my husband to read it, too. I asked him for his perspective on it. He immediately told me to completely disregard what was said as, in this case, there was no truth or merit to what the person said. Instead, it just felt like they were angry and upset and took it out on me for some reason. It was her issue, not mine.

Having his outside perspective helped me to have clarity about the issue that I may not have had on my own. 

3. Remember Your Personal Priorities

What’s going to matter 25 years from now? I often ask myself that when I’m trying to determine my priorities.

We can’t please everyone. We can’t make everyone happy. We can’t do all the things for all the people. And because of this, we will always end up disappointing people. 

I’ve had to accept that there will be others who are disappointed by what I do or what I don’t do, frustrated by what I say or what I don’t say, bothered by how I parent or don’t parent, irritated by what I blog, annoyed with my personality or videos or speaking style… and on and on it goes. I am only responsible for my own actions; I am not responsible for people’s reactions to my actions. 

I just can’t please everyone. In fact, I can’t please a lot of people. Who I am, what I blog about, what I believe, how I write, my personality… it’s just not for everyone. In fact, it’s not for a lot of people. And that’s completely okay.

What matters is that I focus on what my priorities are and that I embrace who God has called me to be. My priorities are different than your priorities. My parenting style is different than your parenting style. My writing style is different than other blogger’s writing styles. What I’m called to is different than what you’re called to.

I reminded myself of this after I read this critical letter. I went back to the truth: that I am uniquely called and gifted to be a mother to my own children. It’s not my responsibility to parent in a way that other people are telling me I should. It’s my responsibility to do what I know is right before God.

When I walk in confidence in my own personal priorities, I can have freedom not fear. When I embrace who God has called me to be, I can believe the truth about myself and my worth and value instead of giving into the lies of shame and insecurity.

I’ve been so thankful to have a chance to read a pre-release copy of Jennifer Dukes Lee’s book, The Happiness Dare. Her words have challenged me so much and taking the Happiness Dare is changing my whole perspective on life. (You can follow along with me on Instagram as I share little glimpses into how I’m seeking to wring the delight out of the ordinary days).

This quote from Jennifer was really powerful: 

Women, in particular, work hard to hold up defenses. We disguise what we think is wrong about us. We try hard to keep it all together because we are afraid of rejection. Those things we struggle with, those things we believe are “wrong” about us, actually make us approachable to every other woman who are struggling with their own set of wrongs.

She goes on to talk about how we do whatever we can to mask our messes. In reality, the woman on the other side of the room needs to see those flaws about us, because they are dealing with their own set of insecurities. When they think we have it all together, how can we be approachable to them?

If we want to be truly happy, we have to live as who we actually are, not the made up person we pretend to be. There’s so much we gain by being to be vulnerable and open and letting others see our imperfections.

In the last few months, I’ve had to come face-to-face with how I really struggle with control issues. And I’ve been realizing that these control issues go hand-in-hand with my anxiety issues, my fear of the unknown, and my incessant pursuing of trying to have my ducks in a row. 

I don’t want to live my life chained to chasing after perfect. That will only make me miserable and frustrated. 

Instead, I’m asking God to help me let go of attempting to micromanage everything and everyone and be okay with not having everything in neatly laid out plans all the time. I’m also learning there is freedom in stepping back and letting go, as I wrote about on Saturday.

Now, my issues and my struggles are likely different than yours. But I know you have your own set of insecurities and struggles and I want to encourage you that you are not the only one!

Last week, one of my friends texted me how they were struggling with feeling so inadequate and like they were failing in every area of their life. I asked them to give me specific details of what thoughts they were having. They proceeded shared their feelings of failing as a parent, as a spouse, as a friend… and on and on.

When they were done sharing everything they could think of that they were feeling guilt and failure over, I texted back and said, “Could I call you?” I picked up the phone and called them and said, “Basically everything you’re wrote are feelings we all struggle with at one time or another. These feelings of inadequacy don’t mean you are a failure, they just make you normal.”

If you are struggling right now, I want to encourage you with these three reminders:

1. You are not the only one.

We’re all a little crazy aren’t we? Here’s the thing, your inner crazy is universal. That thing you are struggling with right now is more than likely not unique to you. I’m sure thousands of others are also struggling (or have struggled) with similar things.

If you shared your thoughts with those around you, I bet you’d find plenty of others who identify with you.

• You are not the only one who is behind on laundry.
• You are not the only one whose heart feels like it my break over a child’s poor decisions.
• You are not the only one who goes to bed at night and has guilt over what you did or didn’t get done in a day.
• You are not the only one who feels like you don’t measure up.
• You are not the only mom who loses her temper with her kids.
• You are not the only one to ______ (fill in the blank).

Can I challenge you to get brave and be vulnerable with your struggles with a few trustworthy people in your life? There is something about authenticity that binds our hearts to others in a way that nothing else can.

2. This is not a competition. 

When we compare ourselves to others, we will almost always come up short. (And if we’re comparing ourselves to others so that we can feel better about ourselves, that’s just as unhealthy as comparing ourselves to others and feeling like we don’t measure up.)

I have totally been guilty of looking at someone and thinking, “She must have it all together and all figured out. Why can’t I be more like her?” 

The truth is, she very well may be looking at you or someone else and feeling the same way. Even if she isn’t, I can promise you there are dozens of areas where she is struggling — even if might not look like it from seeing her across the room at Mom’s Group or by her pictures on social media. 

Let’s stop making up stories and coming to conclusions based upon little snippets of someone’s life we see. We all have our own set of difficulties and hardships. There is no one who is exempt from struggle and setback.

I can waste my life wishing I had someone else’s gifts and life circumstances or I can choose to invest my life embracing the life I have and owning the gifts that I’ve been given. I want to stop playing the comparison game and instead choose to learn from others and be inspired by their special and unique gifts, and then own the gifts that I’ve been given. Because I’ve discovered that when I own my own gifts and the life right in front of me, I experience such fulfillment and excitement.

3. You are enough.

You don’t have to be more, try harder, or do more. You are enough. If you can really and truly believe this with all of your heart, it will change your entire life.

I don’t have to strive to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to work hard to change my personality. I am enough… exactly as I am.

What kind of messaging are you playing and re-playing for yourself? Is it that you are loved, valuable, and enough? Or are you allowing lies to permeate the voices in your head?

Start kicking those lies that you don’t measure up and are not enough to the curb! Every time a derogatory, condemning statement about yourself pops into your head, name it as a lie, and then replace it with a truth.

This is how you slowly begin the work of changing your head messages from lies to truth. And when you know the truth, believe the truth, and live under the truth, it will set you free like never before!

You are not the only. This is not a competition. And you are enough. Keep reminding yourself of these truths today!

What are you struggling with today? Would you be willing to get brave and share it with us in the comments here so we can come alongside you and encourage you?