Money Saving Mom®

Earlier this week, I posted a Peek Into Our Week post. One of the questions I received in response to that post was, “How do you have so many great friendships? How do you find friendships like this?” I started to respond to this question as a comment and my response got so long, I decided to turn it into a post. 🙂

For years, I didn’t have many close friends. I had many acquaintances, but very few people in my life with whom I could be completely honest.

I was insecure and a people-pleaser, so I always held back in relationships. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing or come across in the wrong way. Because of this, I usually just didn’t share things I was thinking about, working through, or struggling with at a deep level.

While this allowed me to not get so hurt in relationships and kept me more “safe”, it also meant that I felt lonely much of the time. I wanted to have close friendships, but I was scared of opening up and being vulnerable.

My personal journey from insecurity to confidence has transformed me from the inside out. And it’s also given me courage to step outside of the safe zone and reach out to people around me in an authentic way.

It’s taken years to get to this place, but I am so blessed to now have a group of really close friends. Friends who would drop everything to help me. Friends who I can share anything with and they will listen and won’t think I’m crazy (or maybe they think I’m crazy sometimes, but they still love me!). Friends who are life-giving. Friends who love me enough to have earned the right to speak the truth to me when I need to hear it. Friends who I just LOVE hanging out with and sharing life with.

It’s a beautiful thing to have relationships and community like this. But it didn’t happen overnight. For me, here were the three keys that helped me build these close friendships:

1. I Became Authentic & Vulnerable

If you want to build close relationships, it starts with being honest and authentic to who you are. A few years ago, I had this revelation: if I wanted people to love me for exactly who I was, I had to be exactly who I was when I was with them.

I had to stop trying to please whoever I was with, say what they’d want me to say, and walk on egg shells for fear of offending them. Instead, I just needed to be me — warts, short-comings, and all.

This doesn’t mean I need to air my dirty laundry for everyone nor does it mean I shouldn’t be considerate or use deference, but it does mean that I am committed to being authentic and real in my relationships.

If someone asks me how I am, I want to be honest in my response instead of just saying a pat answer like, “I’m fine.” If I’ve had a bad day or am struggling with something, I want to be vulnerable enough to at least briefly share this. If I want people to be authentic with me, I’ve got to be willing to open myself up and share about my messes, struggles, and short-comings, too.

2. I’ve Made People a Priority

Strong friendships don’t just happen; they are the result of lots of nurturing and cultivating. They are borne out of the investment of time, resources, and energy.

As a Type-A Driver personality who is also introverted, I can make productivity paramount to everything. But long term, this isn’t healthy and it’s also a sure-fire way to ruin relationships.

I’m learning that strong relationships require being willing to sacrifice and go outside my comfort zone to bless someone else. It’s not always convenient, but it’s always worth it.

One thing that has helped me balance productivity with making people a priority is to look for ways to incorporate friends into things I’m already doing. For instance, if you’re going to an event, ask someone to come with you. If you’re headed on an errand, ask someone to join you. If you’re working on a project, see if there’s someone who might like to come over and join you.

3. I Look for Specific Ways to Show I Care

You might feel like you just don’t have time to invest in friendships. I disagree. We all have time (or can make the time) to show people we care.

And it doesn’t have to take hours and hours of time. Look for little pockets of time throughout the day to invest in people you know. Here are a few ideas:

• When you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, text someone to let them know you’re thinking of them or to just check in and see how they are doing.
• When you are waiting in the carpool pick-up line, jot a quick note to someone who is going through a rough patch and mail it to them.
• When you are working on laundry or cleaning, call someone to check up on them.
• If you have a free evening or weekend, invite someone over to join you for dinner, a game, or a movie.
• If you see a great deal on something someone you know loves, shoot them a quick text to let them know. Or better yet, buy it for them and surprise them with it “just because”.

Always be looking for opportunities to reach out and bless someone else. Ask questions and take time to really listen to the responses. Be a giver. Pour into others.

There are so many blessings in living your life with outstretched arms. Plus, some of the deepest relationships will often blossom out of your willingness to take the time to show someone you care about them.

What advice do the rest of you have for building great friendships? I’d love to hear!

Want more encouragement on friendship? Read my posts on How Do You Find Good Friends? and How Do You Find Time to Be a Friend?

This is Part 3 and the final installment in the How to Make the Most of Your 24-Day series.

We all have priorities… whether we’ve pre-determined them or not. We can choose to make living with intention a priority or we can choose to make letting life hit us as it comes a priority.

If we don’t decide ahead of time our intentions for the day, in almost every case, the day will fill up.

By writing out a to do list for the day, you are deciding ahead of time what your priorities are. On the flip side, you are also decided what your priorities AREN’T. Because if it’s not on the list, it’s not a priority.

You probably already know and believe that a to do list is a good idea. But judging from the emails I’ve received in a recent weeks, many of you are frustrated because it seems like no matter how hard you try, you never make it through half the things on your list?

Here are three keys that help me actually finish my to do list almost every single day:

Keep It Short

Most of us know that we cannot do it all, but that doesn’t stop us from trying. And in the process of trying, we end up high-strung, exhausted, and overwhelmed.

For years, I set myself up for defeat day after day by creating an unrealistic to-do list. I always have lots of things I want to do and things I need to do. Instead of pacing myself and spacing out my projects, I’d harness my over-achieving personality and create impossibly long to-do lists for each day.

It took me a long time to realize that by creating an unrealistic to do list for my day, I was setting myself up for defeat from the get-go. So I started requiring myself to not put anymore than 10 items on my to-do list. That might sound like a lot — but that was a huge improvement over my previous 20 or 30 items. 🙂

Make It Time-Bound

In addition to keeping my to do list short, I started putting time blocks for each item on the to do list. Instead of just making a list telling me that I needed to do this, that, this, that, and that other thing, I actually write specific time blocks for each item on the to do list.

Not only does assigning specific times for each task help me to make a clear plan for my day, but it also guarantees I don’t plan to do 26 hours’ worth of work in a 24-hour day. As I’m writing out the plan for the day, I will often realize I just don’t have enough time to do everything I had hoped to do and still have margin and family time. So this forces me to choose the top priorities and either delete the other ideas or bump them to another day.

Yes, it takes more time to have to think through your day like this, but I’ve found it is so worth it. In fact, I find it very empowering! You see, I write my to do list for the next day right before I go to bed. And when I finish it, I can go to sleep knowing that the next day is {in most cases!} not overwhelming… there are enough hours and there is a plan in place. All I have to do is get up and follow the plan!

Re-Work It Often

This might sound like just something that would make more work, but hear me out! I’ve found it to be tremendously helpful to re-write my to do list/action plan for the day around noon.

Why? Because usually my morning never goes quite as planned. Which means that I didn’t quite get to everything and I’m started to feel a little overwhelmed. When this happens, instead of letting the frustration levels rise, I try to stop and re-evaluate my list.

In most cases, I’ll find an item or two that I can bump to another day or a project I can streamline. For instance, instead of trying to get all the kitchen cupboards cleaned out, I’ll just down-size the project to the two messiest cupboards. Or, instead of trying to finish that entire article for another site, I’ll commit to working on it for 20 minutes.

This one strategy of stopping and re-working my to-do list in the middle of the day has made a major impact in my productivity and stress levels. Taking five minutes to re-group mid-day not only re-energizes me, but it also gives me renewed focus and productivity. Try it and maybe it will work for you, too!

What helps you finish your to do list? I’d love to hear your tips and tricks!