How do you kindly say “no” to social outings with friends and keep a positive attitude? I find we can’t go out to most of our friends’ events because we can’t afford to. I am tired of explaining that we just “don’t have the money.” -Christa
Oh, Christa! How I can relate to this!
I well remember the days when Jesse was in law school and it seemed like we couldn’t go to so many different social outings because we didn’t have any money to spend. It was discouraging — and sometimes embarrassing.
So, first off, I just want to encourage you that you’re not alone in this struggle. Many of us have been there or are currently there.
Be Gracious
When explaining your situation to your friends, be sure to be incredibly gracious. Let them know that you’d love to come but it’s just not in the budget right now.
Make sure you say it in a way that doesn’t condemn them for choices they are making. True friends will understand and will not make you feel guilty or less than just because you can’t afford something.
Be Honest
There’s no need to come up with lame explanations and leave your friends wondering if they’ve done something to offend you and that’s why you don’t want to get together with them. Instead, just be honest. Let them know you’re struggling financially, or on a tight budget, or trying to pay off your debt, or whatever it is that is keeping you from being able to afford the outing they’ve invited you to.
Don’t apologize or make excuses. Don’t guilt them into feeling like they need to help cover your costs. Just be straightforward about it and let them know you’re working really hard to get to a place where you’ll have wiggle room in your budget for such an outing, but for now, you’re going to have to decline the invitation.
Suggest an Alternative
Whenever possible, instead of just saying no, come up with an alternative that you can afford. Offer to host everyone for desserts or snacks at your house if you can’t afford to eat out at the expensive restaurant they want to go to. Invite them to come over for games, a movie, and finger foods instead of going to the theater.
Or, see if there’s a compromise you could propose. For instance, when Jesse was in law school and some of his friends were having a party, the host asked if everyone could pay $4 each to cover the costs of the party. We didn’t have $8 extra in our budget for both of us to attend, so I emailed the host to ask if I could bring snacks and drinks (that I’d gotten for free or almost-free with coupons) instead. She was so gracious to say “yes” to my offer — and we had a fantastic time at the party!
Remember Your Why
Saying “no” is hard. It can be uncomfortable. It can make you feel discouraged. It can wear you down.
Constantly remind yourself why you are doing this. What is the purpose behind your short-term sacrifices. Think of the benefits you are going to reap in the long-run by sticking with your budget and staying the course with your goals.
Keep this at the forefront of your mind every time you have to say no. It will help you stay resolved to make the right decision, even when it’s hard.
Find Some Frugal Friends
If most all your friends are constantly inviting you to do extravagant things that you can’t afford to do, it’s probably time to find some frugal friends — people who “get” your weird desire to stick with your budget and live beneath your means.
Think about it: if everyone you associate with it spending money pretty extravagantly and telling you that you “deserve” this, that, and the other — even if you can’t afford it — it’s going to be hard to stick with your resolve to live frugally. On the other hand, if many of your friends are living frugally and simply, if they are content and understand when you talk about buying something secondhand or saving up to pay cash for things, it will be a lot easier to keep on your slow and steady journey toward debt-freedom or achieving your other financial goals.
In addition, when you hang out with frugal friends, you are inspired with new money-saving ideas, you are motivated to not give up, and you can laugh at all the crazy things you do in order to stay on budget.
If you don’t know a single frugal friend, don’t despair. Start looking for them at your local library, mom’s groups, church, thrift store, used book sale, or gardening club. You just never know where you’ll find an amazing frugal friend, but if you keep your eyes open, I’m sure there are some other frugal folks who live in your area!
In the mean time, read money-saving books and blogs to help you stay motivated and inspired. They aren’t the same as real-life friends, but they will still help you stay motivated. And if you have trouble finding local friends, see if you can find some good accountability partners online — maybe even people that you meet in the comments section here on MoneySavingMom.com.
How does one navigate from the other side? I am blessed with a higher income but the friends I grew up with are not. When I travel over 3 hours to visit I want to see my friends but feel guilty of the financial burden I am placing on them to meet me for a meal out. I am in my 40’s and one friend has had to move home with her mom after loosing her job. I want to see my friends but don’t want to make them feel bad if I offer to pay… and I don’t want to put them in a position to buy meals or entertainment not in their budget.
In this case, if you feel that your friends may be burdened by a meal out, with the invitation, mention that you will be in town on such-and-such day, and you would love to take them to dinner while you’re there. Or there’s always the option of meeting at a coffee shop and catching up over a $2 cup of coffee. Or possibly buy a gift card to the food venue ahead of time and mention that you have a gift card to that restaurant that you need to use, and you’d love to treat them to dinner while you are in town. If they decline, citing lack of money, I would be sure to tell your friend that you wouldn’t want to miss out on their company and you could do something together that is cheap or free instead.
I have found staying on budget since the kids have become teenagers has been more diffucult. They always need or want money to do things with friends and constantly need things for school trips and outings. We do lots of family nights with our friends instead of expensive dinners out and try to stay on budget for the things we are saving for. Any suggestions ?
I love PCs’ thoughtfulness to buy a family state park pass to include others for free! We include in our sinking fund a family membership to our local zoo that also allows us to bring guests for free. That way I can always offer a thrifty activity to do and my guests don’t have to pay anything either.
Simply say “it’s a little out of my budget. But if you’d like to do …, let me know”. Some friends are spendthrifts (that’s why they usually try to freeload-(LOL)). Don’t follow their ways or you’ll wind up asking for freebies too!
Be thankful that they still include you. It hurts even more to not even be asked because they assume you can’t afford it. ALWAYS thank them for the invitation and let them know that you appreciate being included. By hosting an affordable event you are letting your friends know that you really do enjoy their company.
For years I lived in a high cost of living area with low wages and struggled just to pay for housing and food each month. Finally moved and got a job with a decent wage. I’m still living frugally. I do go dutch when out with friends but try and be mindful of their budgets when suggesting where we go and it is only a few times a year we go out not weekly. I have a family membership to a state park even though I am single. It allows me to take my friends to the beach, kayaking, and nature center with me for an entire year and cost me the same as one outing renting kayaks at a local rental facility. I own my own kayak and love to kayak but my none of my friends own one. They are happy to come along and we spend time outdoors doing a healthy activity.
“Constantly remind yourself why you are doing this. What is the purpose behind your short-term sacrifices. Think of the benefits you are going to reap in the long-run”
This right here is worth the price of admission. It’s gold. As someone who is going through a different kind of struggle I’ll be saving this quote.
To put it another way – “I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18
Thank you.
Thank you for posting this! My husband’s student loan payments from grad school tripled this month, and as a result, our budget has been slaughtered. I’m a SAHM, so we’re only one income. It’s so difficult to tell people “I’m sorry, but we just don’t have it in the budget.” Especially to our friends who work with my husband and make twice as much as we do since they are both working and do not have kids. I’m not trying to poo-poo on their parade, or looking for charity, but leaving within our means is so much more important to me. Of course, it makes me feel awful when I have to tell my husband, or our friends, we just don’t have it in the budget. At times I feel like I’m the budget Nazi!
I am a SAHM. It seems the other SAHM’s in my social circle are selling things to make extra money- Silpada, Thirty one gifts, Pampered chef, etc. I get invited to these & hate to always say no but really don’t want to spend money on items I don’t need.
A fun and frugal party idea we do at our home once in a while is make your own pizza bagel or english muffin pizza night with friends, and ask them to bring potluck salad or dessert. We have also done jumbo baked potatoes, and cooked up a big pork roast in the crock pot to top them, along with a few other assorted toppings (a bag of shredded cheese, green onions, sour cream, etc.) and asked friends to bring potluck-style sides and desserts. Throw in a board game or two, and some casual conversation, and you have a fun party on the cheap, that even the kids enjoy.
What a great idea! Thanks for sharing!
This is not related as far as “budget” but what about social outings being a “mom” and “Dad’s” of my son’s friends who are stay at home Dads asking to connect our son’s together at museums, including a brother-in-law (my sister is the one who works and he stays home with their kids). I want to honor my husband and yet it’s hard to say no to others for me for the same reason expressed above and wanting to please others-as well as I know the kids would enjoy the time together….
Honesty has been hard for me in this situation as the “culture” would think this is ok as this is the new norm for stay at home Dad’s being more involved in day to day activities.
Thanks for any guidance any of you can give…
Aside from the fact that there are things to do without paying (ie free museum days, etc), I try to cut coupons for various food establishments, even if I dont plan on going there. For example, buy one yogurt, get a second at 50% off. At around $5 each, they are really expensive, but most people will let you “treat” them if it is $2.50 for them instead of $5….I say “thanks, I really wanted to use this coupon and you helped me out!” The $2.50 won’t break the bank and the other person is included……
Wow, this post certainly blessed me! My husband and I are in our late 20s, and about 3 weeks ago decided we needed to do something about our financial situation. I told my dad last month that I always felt like we had no money, so he put together a great budget for us – and low and behold, we should have money! We were just not being responsible with it. We are now on this new path of frugal living and to say it has been a struggle is an under statement. However every day we remind ourselves why we are doing it.
We live in Washington DC and so eating out is part of the culture here! We have had a few instances where friends invited us out, and it just wasn’t in the budget. I have been 100% honest with them about why we are saying no. They are all so supportive, and some have even asked to see our budget template and talk about the envelope system with them. It is so wonderful to know we might be planting seeds in our friends lives.
Honesty is the best policy for us!
The other great thing about surrounding yourself with frugal friends is that your kids are also surrounded with kids from frugal families. That means a little less pressure to have all the latest toys, movies, gadgets, etc. And they grow up enjoying things like family game nights.
Great advice!
Inviting people to your house can be a great alternative. Dessert or snacks is affordable, and there are also affordable meals you could serve. Breakfast for dinner is delicious and super cheap (homemade cinnamon rolls or pancakes, eggs, hash browns). Another really cheap thing to serve a crowd is homemade pizza – you could even have guests bring toppings if they offer to bring something. Rice and beans are a cheap staple. I’ve seen some people do build your own taco where they mix the beans and meat together to help it go further.
Also, at times if we go to a fast food restaurant, I just get two or three things off the dollar menu and then if I’m still hungry I can have a snack when I get home.
I think it’s a great idea to suggest coming over for coffee & dessert. I have never heard of a host asking everyone to bring money to cover the cost of a party!!! If you don’t have money to host a party, don’t host one!
Yeah, I agree that this is pretty tacky!
I love that you pointed out it’s ok to find some additional friends. If people really love you and are your true friends, they will make a way for your group to do things that everyone can participate in – and they won’t embarrass you. If they don’t, maybe their friendship isn’t quite as strong as you thought. I wouldn’t ditch a friendship because people like to do expensive things, but I would find other friends.
My husband and I don’t spend a lot of money, but we do save up and spend it on things that are important to us – like going on a cruise each year. Some of our closest friends can’t do that, even though we invite them. I wish they could. But we want to spend time with them anyway, so I try to be really careful to make plenty of other gestures toward them that don’t cost them anything, or that even alleviate some of their financial pressure. For example, we like to invite them and all their kids over to our house for lunch on Sunday (no need to bring anything!), etc. That way, we get to spend time together, but it doesn’t cost them anything and it actually helps them. (There are a lot of kids!)
Family game night is a tradition with our closest friends. We invite them over once a month or so. We usually supply the food and movie. They bring the drinks and board game. The women and kids watch a movie or talk while the men grill on our back porch. After dinner, we sit down for a board game. It doesn’t cost much to make burgers or chicken fajitas, and they have a big selection of board games (both friends were in the army, so they invested in board games to play while they were on base) so it’s not like we play the same game every time.
We also usually have cookouts when helping one another as a sort of payment. For example, our friend came to help us install boards in the attic. My husband is too tall to fit up there, and we didn’t want to pay someone. So, in return for him helping us out, we made steak for him and his family for dinner. We get steaks inexpensively by buying whole sirloin roasts and cutting the steaks ourselves, so it’s a pretty cheap investment for all the house repairs we’ve gotten finished. 🙂
What great ideas! I love these!
I recently opened up to a new friend about our tight budget; we are new parents, living in a new area, and live on one income (with debt). She recently invited my husband and I out for dinner, “we will pay for you” she said. I shared something personal and got pity.
I love the Lord, He has seen me through some really tough times, and I don’t see my current situation as a tragic tale more like a ‘season.’ I feel terrible, I know she means well but I have no idea what to do. What do you advise I say to her?
I think it depends upon the situation, but if it were me and it were a new friend, I’d probably invite them over for dinner or dessert at our house instead of having them pay. Just re-iterate that you so appreciate their invite and that you’d love to get together, could you have them at your house instead, that way no one would have to worry about footing a bill?
Crystal is totally right. Offer an alternative. Family game nights, a friendly game of volleyball at the local rec center, dinner and a DVD, or a cookout at the local park (most places don’t charge to use the grill) are all great ideas.
Also, keep your eyes peeled for Groupon deals and local coupons. You can usually get steep discounts on gift cards to local places, and that will allow you to go out with them every so often. You could also ask for restaurant gift cards for Christmas or birthdays. Just last month, hubby and I used an Outback Steakhouse gift card we got for Christmas from his parents.
Maybe this will help your friend will understand that being frugal doesn’t mean you need her pity. It just means learning to be creative with what you have.
We have had them over for dinner and play dates. I think she wants adult time away from the kids with friends.
Ashley P, I totally forgot about groupon, if i’m desperate thats a great resource. Also, after college my friends and I were all too poor to go out, game night was how we did it. I might also suggest a ‘girls night’ away from the kiddos it may just be what she needs.
My husband and I have done what your friend is doing “let’s go out, it’s on us,” and I really hope our friends didn’t feel like we being condescending.
I feel like, if you’re good friends and they want to go out for dinner, and they want you along, and are willing to pay so you don’t have to worry about that, take it as a blessing! Don’t feel obligated to take them out sometime in return. Don’t feel like you’re getting charity. We all go though seasons of abundance, and seasons of less, and it’s okay to receive from someone else and not always “pay your fair share”. You can still invite them over to your house for a meal, and continue your relationship in low-cost settings, but don’t automatically feel bad because someone wants to bless you; and really bless themselves at the same time with your company and absence of dishes to wash up afterwards!
Hi Anna, we have done that to our friends (wether they could afford it or not), we would pay the bill in secret while they enjoyed dessert, nothing made me happier. This was before our situation changed. It was also people we knew for a long time and were close.
It made me uncomfortable because we don’t know them that well, we met in October, and I honestly don’t know where they are coming from. But like you said I know they want to bless us. She shared her financial woes, which led me to open up, which is why I can’t help but feel guilty and a little embarrassed about her offer.
This is all new to me, after thirty years living in the city we have moved 200 miles away from family and friends. I am really rusty at making new friends and opening up to new people….in the suburbs Ha! 😉
I would say depending on the situation, it may not be pity at all. She may just genuinely want to go out to dinner with you and truly doesn’t mind paying. Also, she may feel like she is being considerate and remembering what you shared about your financial situation. I wouldn’t necessarily feel badly about accepting. Also, she may be trying to serve you in a small way if she knows you couldn’t afford it.
Thanks Laura, I hear what you’re saying :). We are all about the envelope system and have saved enough for a TINY ‘fun’ budget, which I could use towards a night out….to TGI fridays lol. I felt bad sharing because I thought she and I were on the same financial boat, so her offer threw me for a loop.
True friends will understand if you are honest. And I love the idea of offering another suggestion so it doesn’t just seem like you “always say no.”
I am constantly trying to find ways that I can still socialize and have fun with friends w/o spending money we can’t afford. Here are some things that have worked for me. When there is a BOGOF coffee deal I will share with a few of my friends that I know could benefit and then we share the cost of the one coffee.
Just recently I asked 3 of my mom friends if they’d like to meet on Thursdays at the church to support one another in motherhood and wifehood. My daughter and my one friends son are in preschool (that meets on the opposite side of our church) the other friend works at the church but Thursdays is a lighter day for her, and the third friend lives real close. Instead of spending money for coffee we will use the Kuerig or brew tea. We save money in gas (not having to go home in between preschool), and now we have started taking turns bringing something to share. It’s awesome fellowship/prayer and is meeting a social need as well.
I don’t think you need to feel bad for where you’re at or what you can’t do but instead focus on what you can do. And I agree with Crystal about surrounding yourself with people who “get it”.
Thanks so much for sharing these great ideas!
Social Media—somedays I wish Facebook simply didn’t exist, lol.
Thanks for the encouragement to pursue what we want not just what we’re “supposed” to pursue.
[Oh goodness! Yesterday was a really long day. I didn’t mean to post that comment on this post. So sorry!]
If your friends (or family) regularly organize expensive outings for holidays or birthdays, maybe you could come up with an alternative idea and offer to organize it. Once the ball is already rolling with an idea, it’s much harder to change it than if you were to suggest a frugal idea before there’s anything else on the table.
Actually, I thought your post was quite relevant. Isn’t the lure of social media something that causes us to compare ourselves to others and drives us to want to spend like others, whether or not we can afford to. Social media, such as facebook group photos, make it hard to live on a budget sometimes because you feel left out when you decline the invite and left out when you see the photos circulating for weeks after.
I definitely agree with finding frugal friends. It makes everything so much easier because the people around you are trying to save money too. I love it when a friend turns me on to a great deal or offers to keep an eye out for something I need when they’re garage sailing or thrifting. Instant camaraderie!
Being open and honest has really helped me face those potentially awkward situations. We are in the middle of paying off lots of law school student loans. I don’t keep our loans a secret. Not only does it help to be open for when the spending money with friends situations come up, but it helps to have other people know about our goals. Everyone has been supportive and encouraging. We’re getting more cheerleaders.
Instead of spending money, I like to suggest free things, like getting together for treats at a friend’s house.
I am also in the boat that thinks that being honest is the best policy. Often times people a) don’t really care and so they aren’t bothered one way or the other about it or 2) are interested to hear what you are doing differently. Sometimes being open and honest can begin a discuss with others about money management, budgeting, etc. Even if the idea doesn’t take off right away, it makes it a topic of conversation that isn’t totally off limits.
Plus, in this day-and-age lots of people are in the same boat financially. They might choose to ignore their student loans and spend money on dinner anyway, but most everyone can relate to finite finances.
These are all good tips, but I think there is still a way to hang out with friends even if you can’t spend the money. If friends are going out for drinks or something, if you really wanted to hang out, you could still meet up with them and just order a soda or even water and still get together. I also second the idea of offering an alternative or inviting them to do something another time that doesn’t involve spending money. The bad thing about always saying no to someone every time they invite you out is that eventually they will stop asking you to do anything at all because they will always know what the answer will be;)
Great suggestions and advice! Thanks for sharing, Rachel!
Also, if your friend really wants you to do a certain thing with them and they offer to pay, accept if it won’t make things too weird. Sometimes, I would much rather pay for a friend to come do stuff with me than have to go alone and miss their company.
I’m the same way. My husband and I have both been very blessed with good jobs. Several of my closest friends are stay at home moms and I completely understand that their budget is different from ours for obvious reasons. Sometimes I just really want to go to Starbucks or out to lunch and genuinely don’t mind paying for it. I try to schedule things like coffee/tea, family playdates with homemade dinners or other low cost ideas but sometimes I really just want company and am fine with paying for both.
Thanks for your input!
We have had a hard time lately and there is a weekend thing we used to do every year but between entry fees, food, parking and hotel my husband couldn’t go this year. A friend told my husband that the hotel was on him since he really didn’t want to room alone and this was a way he could help our family by giving the caregiver some respite. I invited my father to visit that weekend so the kids and I were not alone, we had a membership rolled over from last year from me transferred to my husband, he brought a cooler of food from home and the only expense was the train to the convention. He was able to see lots of friends and have a weekend off- it did him a world of good. We felt a bit weird but our friend was so happy to actually do something useful even though he lives far away so how could we possibly say no?
I agree! Our income fluctuates to the point where sometimes we’re the friends who do nothing because we can’t afford it, and other times we’ll invite people to join us for lunch and cover the bill for everybody. I don’t know how if it’s “etiquette” but we feel like, if we’re inviting people to come do something with us, it’s nice to not put financial pressure on them. We don’t do “dutch treats” very often. 😉 Not that there’s anything wrong with everyone pay-your-own-way, I just feel like it’s okay to both receive and give a blessing like paying for someone else’s lunch and coffee, if the point is to spend time together, and not just a recreational outing with the office.
I think suggesting an alternative is great! I did a post on free entertainment that offers many ideas! http://thejewishlady.com/free-entertainment/
Great link, ty for sharing
When in college, I would be honest… I cannot because I am saving for books, etc. As a newlywed, I would gracefully bow out, but instead offer to host coffee and tea for a friend later in the week; I would buy danishes at the bread store! A true friend would neither mind, and the issue would not matter!