Today, I want to share 4 ways to be a better friend today…
1. Take Initiative.
Don’t wait for the other person to show up and do something for you. So much of the time, women feel lonely and left out, like nobody is inviting them to be a part of anything.
You have a choice in that moment to be self-defeating and live under the lies that you’re unlikeable and that nobody will ever want to be friends with you. This will prevent you from ever opening yourself up, letting people in, or taking initiative.
Good friendships require taking initiative, but don’t wait for the other person. Send that text, write that email, or invite that person into your home and life.
When I meet someone whom I feel some synergy with and see the possibility of a friendship with, I try to take initiative to invite that person into my home or even just out for coffee. There’s no long-term obligation with that. Sometimes it won’t be a great fit, but sometimes it will turn into something meaningful and beautiful!
Don’t wait for others to come to you. Go to them and take the first step. Look for ways to bless them first!
2. Ask Good Questions.
People are desperate for community. They want people to really care about them at a deep level.
When you take the time to look into someone’s eyes and listen, that means the world to them. Show people you care by giving them your full attention and fully engaging in conversation.
When you ask good questions in response, it shows that you care and that you’re interested in them. Sometimes you may really love someone but feel that you don’t share much in common. That’s a perfect opportunity to ask questions and learn about someone who is different from you!
There is SO much to learn from people who live different lives and have different viewpoints. I like to ask questions like:
“How can I be a better friend to you?”
“How does that make you feel?”
“What is the hardest thing you’re going through right now?”
“What do you most need right now?”
“How can I encourage you?”
Just recently, I was with a group of women that I’m getting to know. We went around the group and answered these types of questions openly. This helped transform the small group into true, authentic community. It prevented us from hiding and just showing up superficially without forming relationships. Good questions often facilitate friendship.
3. Find the Good and Praise It.
How are you celebrating others right now? People love to know that what they do matters. Find the good. Celebrate it, praise it, and affirm it.
I think everyone at their core has a desire to be noticed, affirmed, celebrated, and to know that they matter. It doesn’t take a whole lot of time or money to notice something about someone and then verbally affirm that.
Think about how you can celebrate other people in simple ways. Maybe it’s just sending a quick text to celebrate someone. Words of affirmation can mean the world to someone!
4. Learn Their Love Language.
Learning the love language of those in your life is SO important. You can feel like you’re pouring your love out to someone, but if it’s not in the way that makes that person feel most loved, there may be miscommunication. Once you know what someone else’s love language is, it really helps you to be able to demonstrate love in a manner that means the most to them.
For instance, my dominant love language is Words of Affirmation. It means the world to me when Jesse tells me how much he appreciates me and how proud he is of me. This speaks love to me much more than buying something for me does.
My husband’s love language is quality time. When he feels like I’m busied, hurried, and not fully engaged, he feels unloved. I’ve had to learn over time how important it is to love him well in the ways he feels most loved.
I’m not great at giving gifts, but I try to put forth that effort when someone’s love language is gifts. If you don’t know someone’s love language, simply ask someone what makes them feel most loved!
Related Posts:
- How to Build & Cultivate Great Friendships
- How to Find Good Friends
- 3 Ways to Be a Better Friend
- How to Find Time to Be a Great Friend
I’d love to hear from you: How do you intentionally seek to develop and foster deeper friendship? How have other been a good friend to you?
P.S. If you’re struggling with friendships, I’d highly recommend reading the book, Safe People.
Emily F. says
I have a question:
I’m an extrovert and I’m not shy about making new friends or inviting a new person to do something for the first time. Sometimes I feel, though, like I don’t know how to be friends with people who are more introverted. I’ve seen lots of facebook memes with sayings like “I’d love to stop and chat, but I’d be lying.” Or I hear conversations in which introverts talk about how much people drain them and they’d rather be alone. Sometimes I feel bad for inviting people to things because I’ve heard them express a dislike for social gatherings, etc.
Is there a connection between this type of shyness and a general reluctance to make friends?
Kim says
#4 is so very important. It’s worth it for the right people. Great article.
Kristal says
This post is great and I also love the comments. I also found it harder to make friends as I grew older. What really helps me most is being other focused. More what can I give rather then get. I did a post a couple weeks ago on friendships based on Jonathan & David
Angela says
Most of the time I feel like it’s too much of an effort to try to make friends. I’ve tried MOPS and church groups, but everyone already has friends. To tell you the truth the last time I really had a friend was in Junior High School. I know I have to push myself to get out of this funk, and try these things. People are worth it.
Jennifer says
I struggle with this big time. I feel like I am always the one setting up the play dates, get togethers and yet the same is not reciprocated to me. It is draining and I am just in a funk the last few months as I see others get invited to stuff (sometimes right in front of me) and I am left out. Very disheartening.
Tara G. says
Reciprocate. On some level, relationships need reciprocity. So if someone has initiated friendship/kindness, graciousness and intentional thoughtfulness would be an appropriate response. It doesn’t obligate best friend status, but certainly furthers relationship. I think if we are believers, the principle in Romans 1:11-12 should inform our relationships – we are stewards of spiritual gifts to be used for the benefit and edification of other brothers and sisters each time we interact.
Crystal Paine says
Such great advice! Thanks so much for sharing!
Keelie @Love Hope Adventure says
It can be really hard to connect with other people, because everyone talks about how busy they are. It can feel like an intrusion to invite someone over or out several times and have them keep telling you no because they are too busy. I’ve found it to be hard to have anyone that really wants to connect with us. Personally, I think the whole “busy” thing is a bit of an excuse. I can see these people on Facebook. I think people just want to avoid being in relationship with others.
Rosanna says
I totally hear you about everyone being so busy. I feel like “busy” is a badge of honor of people. It’s kind of like, “I’m busier than you are, na na na.” It’s kind of like we are a bunch of kids trying to be busier than everyone else. I have literally asked people who tell me they are so busy what they are busy with and many can’t give me an answer. I’ve tried to teach my children that you are never to busy for anything, you just haven’t placed the value on it to make time for it.
That being said, I keep inviting, calling, and texting even though I don’t get people make the first move that often. Sometimes I want to feel sorry for myself, but I have chosen to stop it. I believe that investing in others is always worth it. I know that I have value in Christ, therefore, I can’t allow what other people do or don’t do to make me feel worthless. Easier said than done some days, but well worth it.
Beth says
I really connected with your comment! I find it so hard to keep asking someone to meet and being turned down, it makes you feel as if they are not really so busy, but trying to avoid your company. It has made me more aware of my own responses, too. If I have to turn someone down, I immediately make an alternate suggestion, “the kids have practice on Tuesday, but I’m free on Thursday or Friday”, that way they know I’m not avoiding them.
Emily says
Thank you for talking about this! I’ve found it so hard to foster close and meaningful friendships as an adult. It’s so difficult to meet people that don’t seem to have already found their ‘tribe’. With the few friends I have connected with, I find being really invested in their life, struggles, etc. is very bonding. For instance, a dear friend had been struggling to find footing after having her first baby. I came for a visit and prepped freezer meals, helped sort through closets (at her request), and babysat so she could rest. This really bonded us, and definitely showed me that sharing in venerability of struggles is so important.
Angela says
I’m glad to see this topic as well. Emily, you are so right. I too have extreme difficulty making friends as an adult. Truth be told, I don’t have any. Everyone already has their family and their circle. But the worst part is I see my daughter (11yrs) falling into the same situation. I wish I were a better model for her 🙁
Angela says
I don’t have any either. Now both my son and daughter are following in my footsteps as well. ?
JJ says
Normally if someone has a prayer request, I try to follow up. When people know you were actually listening and are caring enough to check, it makes them feel the love. I am soooo forgetful if someone says they have an important doc appt, special event, etc., so I am starting to put it in my Google calendar so I can follow up. That has meant a lot to me when others do!
Aimee says
Yes!! It’s so encouraging when people don’t just promise to pray but follow through.