As I’ve been scrolling through all the Valentine’s Day posts online the past few days — the posts on marriage, the pictures of the flowers he bought for her, the details of the surprise date they went on — I can’t help but think about all of the people out there that are hurting this Valentine’s Day…
The mom of two whose husband recently walked out on her.
The gal whose heart was broken in pieces when she discovered the love of her life was cheating on her.
The husband whose wife suffered a traumatic brain injury a few years ago and has never recovered.
The wife of twenty years whose marriage is crumbling.
The single girl in her thirties who desperately longs to be married.
The woman who is in an abusive relationship and scared for her life.
The elderly man who lost his wife to cancer ten years ago and misses her more than words can express.
For many, Valentine’s Day is not a day of romantic gestures and beautiful flowers and heartfelt love notes. It’s a day of pain. A day of mourning what was lost — or what one never had in the first place. A day of sadness and loneliness. A day that dredges up old wounds and past hurts.
I don’t know all your stories or struggles or past. But I just felt today like I was supposed to write something for those of you who are hurting this Valentine’s Day. Who are feeling sad, neglected, heartbroken, and/or rejected.
Here’s what I want to tell you:
1. You Are Not a Failure
Despite how someone else has made you feel, despite what the voices in your head are telling you, you are not a failure.
You may have failed in some areas, but falling down and making mistakes does not make you a failure. It just means that you are human.
2. You Matter
You have worth. You have immense value. Do not believe the lies that others or your own head tells you that says you are worthless or are good for nothing.
Note: If you feel this way, I strongly encourage you to read Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly.
3. You Have a Purpose
You have a story. You have unique life experience. You have gifts and talents.
You are the only YOU.
Own the gifts you have been given. They might seem small and insignificant. It might feel like you don’t have much to offer. But offer whatever it is you have to give.
Look for ways to make a difference and bless others. Often, it’s the seemingly small and insignificant things that make the greatest impact.
The world needs your gifts, your talent, your passions, your abilities. Be you, bravely.
LouAnn says
I feel these things daily:
Failure
Don’t matter
No purpose
No value
From years of rejection, failed marriages (yes more than one. The last one ended after 30years after not being important enough to him).
It’s not easy to redirect my inner thoughts, although working with a counselor to do so. Christian plaitudes are just words that don’t help.
My sister (not biological) of my heart just past away about a month ago. She was my go to person for encouragement, always there to pick me up or celebrate if there was something to celebrate. No more.
So your post of 2015 caught my eye.
Thank you for thinking of others.
Crystal Paine says
Thank you for being so honest. My heart hurts for what you’ve been through. I just stopped and prayed for you.
Kelly Flatt says
Thank you for posting this. I was widowed at a young age, 16 years ago. I am just now starting to date again. It is so hard to get back out there and find someone again. Valentine’s Day just hurts. It makes me miss him so.
Jordan says
I’m so sorry! Hugs and prayers! -Jordan, MSM Team
James says
I miss her…
amy says
This year we did something to think of others. I asked my daughter’s school to participate in sharing valentine’s with troops over seas. Also my 87 year old grandmother is now in a retirement center. She often tells us how many seniors do not get visitors so 6 classrooms from our school sent valentine’s for us to pass out and the seniors were so thankful and happy to get them . It was truly a wonderful experience for myself and my 2 daughters who are 7 and 8 years old!
Crystal Paine says
I LOVE this idea! Thanks for sharing!
Pamela says
I am commenting late, but I also wanted to say THANK YOU for such a lovely post. Your compassion for those who are hurting has grown so much over the years, Crystal. Thank you for your kindness in recognizing the “gray” in life. God bless you!
Crystal Paine says
Thank you so much for your kind encouragement!
Sarah says
This was such a sweet post, Crystal. I have definitely heard those voices in my head and it’s been very difficult to get past them. I had some terrible things happen to me as a child and, unfortunately, they affected me to the core.
I am now in my early forties and still dealing with some of those issues. I stopped dating years ago because I realized that I wasn’t going to find anyone who was good for me, when I still hated myself. For years I hated my body and felt worthless. I attracted the wrong kind of men and then wondered why?
I’ve been working on myself for a while now and really like the person I’ve become. I finally realized that I don’t need a man to be happy or to be consider worthy. God loves me and so does my family. I have a great life with my mom and wonderful friends. I am happy and if, someday, I happen to find someone who compliments me, I will be even happier.
Valentine’s Day no longer has control over me! 🙂
Linda J says
Well. I guess you understand that the above comments are just a sampling of how important you are in the lives of your readers today. I too want to thank you for addressing us. It was much, much needed and appreciated. Such insight into the world around you. Wonderful.
Tammy says
Thank you so much for this. Yes, there are some of us out there that don’t feel much like celebrating. This is my first Valentine’s Day since my husband died. I have two young children, who I showered with love, but it was glaringly obvious that the romantic love of my life is not here. Thank you for recognizing us.
Julie says
Thank you for posting this. I have been divorced over 10 years and when someone asks me if I have any plans for Valentine’s Day, it hurts. Next year, I think I will follow your suggestion about doing something good for someone else on that day.
ruthie says
That was such a sweet, thoughtful post. I know a woman whose boyfriend tried to kill her on Valentines Day so yes I have that always in the forefront of my mind on this day as a reminder to remain humble.
Your post reminded me of Mothers Day – I want to crawl under a rock on Mothers Day for a variety of personal reasons. I guess for others it’s Fathers Day, and for others it’s Christmas. A reminder to pray without ceasing for the hurting in our community. Also to remain grateful for what we do have rather than long for what we don’t have….preaching to myself on that one.
Jennifer says
Thank you for this post. I read it today at work at started crying at #2. I’ve been dealing with a lot of low self esteem and insecurity issues. Valentines day for me was spent writing out why I feel based on events from the past that I can let go of or forgive myself for many years later. It’s funny you mention Brene Brown. I hadn’t heard of her before last week when another blog I recently discovered had comments from readers with links to her on youtube. I’ve downloaded her book but haven’t started it yet. I hope it’s ok to post these links. Please remove if not.
Brene Brown videos on “Shame”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0
and vulnerability
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
Thanks again!
Genny says
One of the things I have noticed on Facebook is the “look how great my life/relationship/marriage is” posts. My husband and I have an agreement that none of our dates, outings, gifts are to be shared on Facebook. They are private, only for us. I think these things should be treated like charity, “do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing”.
Katie says
This was so perfectly uplifting! Thank you! I’m newly divorced and holidays are like a slap in the face, especially with the social media that I try to avoid to keep my head straight 😉 Your comments are a great reminder of the mindset I should have! The marriage was worse than being alone and I do have my boys safe and with me!!! I am definitely happy for that!! Thank you again!
Anonymous says
Although I’m reading this a day late it’s still much appreciated! My husband and I haven’t really celebrated v-day in big ways during our marriage mostly because of cost but this year we didn’t at all. We are on the verge of divorce and I type this from his mom’s house where I’m staying for a few weeks until we (mostly he) decide what is next. Trying to stay strong for my son and so I can go to work but sometimes I just break down crying while I’m driving because this is absolutely the last thing I can think of right now.
On a good note me and my son had a cheap date by going to build and grow clinic at lowes (free) and movies paid for with a groupon, paid for with gift card earned thru swagbucks which earned me more bucks by going thru their shop section. Double free!! Then it was onto getting some amazing cupcakes to bring home (not free or cheap- I needed them!) and then free dinner using more gift cards earned thru swagbucks.
Thank you so much for all you do Crystal, even at super hard times like these having stuff like swagbucks, groupon, etc really helps take of the edge of reality…
Karen C says
Thank you, thank you
Jodi says
Thank you! I’m in my late thirties and have never been married.
Jay Kay says
What a wonderful post, Crystal. I think you did a wonderful job of helping people to think more broadly about Valentine’s Day. I especially liked the point you made about making a positive difference in other peoples’ lives. It can lift your own spirits so much when you reach out and bless other people with a gift from your own heart.
I have not thought of Valentine’s Day as a strictly romantic day for quite some time, but rather as a day that should remind us to simply love and appreciate one another. Sometimes life picks us up and carries us along at too quick a pace and we need a reminder to love one another, no matter what kind of relationship (mother-children, siblings, friends).
Nicole Paige says
Thanks for your post. This was the first Valentines that I had to question my marriage. The day before I found out my husband was ’emotionally cheating’ on me. It has been a rough couple of days, but reading your post confirmed all the things I have been trying to remind myself since this all broke out. I am grateful to still have my husband, but know there is a lot of work ahead of us. Thanks again.
Melinda says
As someone that falls into one of the categories that you mentioned, I wanted to thank you for posting this.
Heather P says
I needed this today! Thank you very much!!
Sharyn Constantine says
Beautifully sensitive. I left a very unhealthy relationship and was kind of holding my breath about how I’d be this Valentine’s Day (I really struggled for the last two Christmases in exactly this way), but ended up turning it into a celebration of the love I have for my family and friends. I was lucky though, and I imagine it must be a very challenging day for some. Very thoughtful of you to acknowledge it 🙂
Stevi says
I technically have a Valentine this year, but this year hasn’t been a very good year for us, therefore we didn’t “celebrate”. I appreciate this post because too often I have been feeling extremely less than, and that I don’t have anything good to offer anyone. I’ve been having a really hard time lately.
Thank you for helping me remind myself that even though I don’t have much right now, that it doesn’t mean that I’m not worth anything and that I am loved
Jo says
I’m the second person on your list up there. Although it’s been a year since I found out and my husband has chosen to turn away from his mistakes, we are still far from the end of our journey of rebuilding our marriage. Our counselor suggested we do something to reclaim Valentines Day for our own, and we had such nice plans. But then, due to circumstances beyond our control (stupid blizzard) the plans fell apart, and then I fell apart, too. It was the worst day I’ve had in months.
I know that you don’t know me, Crystal, but I feel like I know you after reading your blog the last several years, and I want to thank you for writing this for me.
M says
As someone who is single, late 40ish and who also aborted my only baby many years ago on valentine day yesterday was very hard. I am the only single among my friends and it’s hard to be happy and excited for them. Thank you for you post today, it helps to have someone recognize that Valentine’s Day is not always a day of happiness, bit a difficult or sad day for some of us.
annie says
I just prayed for you, dear one.
Chris says
Dear M, I wish I could come over to your place and give you a big hug.
Lorie says
thank you so very much for this sweet post! You are so kind to think of others! I never get to comment because I am always so busy with my five kids but this time I had to because it touched my pain. I am in a marriage where we hardly talk and whatever is said isn’t kind so I am hanging in just to see if it will turn around and frankly because I don’t have the money to get a divorce… I can’t thank you enough for posting this…just what I needed after turning down a free babysitter to have dinner with my very distant husband …I think we let all the kids get between us and never kept our love for each other up
Jodi says
Crystal, I have followed you since your Biblical Homemaking days. I have grown so much spiritually and emotionally since that time and I know you have, too, because I could have *never* imagined you writing this a few years ago. Please don’t take that the wrong way! I mean it in a positive way, if that makes sense! While you have always been encouraging, you seem so much more compassionate and understanding of hard life situations. I *do not* mean this critically; (I was pretty judgmental myself a few years ago, till life knocked me down and it’s something I still struggle with) but it’s so refreshing to read how real you are!
S says
I feel the genuineness in your post. Thank you!
Nancy says
I am one of, I’m sure, many who have been silently following your blog over the past year. Thank you for this post. For all of us who have lost our spouses recently, it’s comforting to have our feelings recogized.
ANGIE MCCORT says
Thank you for your kind words and support.… I am one of the listed sad people.
Diane says
I dreaded Valentine’s Day after my husband left me. My office was right by the front door at work, and it hurt so much to watch the seemingly endless deliveries of beautiful flowers on Valentine’s Day.
Over time, I adjusted and became content with life as a single woman. Then out of the blue, God brought a wonderful Christian man into my life. We’ve been dating for over 2 years now, and He surprised me with an absolutely lovely Valentine’s Day.
It’s so amazing to watch how God can bring unexpected joy into our lives after a time of walking through a dark valley.
Julie says
thank you so much for caring about us they don’t have anyone on Valentines Day. I recently had my husband walk out on me and we’ve been together for 18 years. He is trying very hard to make it my fault so he is guilt free and I broke down about the part of not being worthless because he’s has made me feel that way time and time again. He has already moved on and claims he’s in a wonderful relationship if someone he just met and our divorce is not final yet. again thank you so much for the kind words for all of us that are heart broken on Valentines Day just want to send a hug to everyone that is alone on this day.
Laura says
Excellent post for this time of year!
Sarah says
So important. We don’t celebrate V day but I know how painful holidays can be. Thinking of those who are struggling.
Sharon@DiscoverExploreLearn says
Thank you for this, Crystal!
As a single mom of 4, Valentine’s Day is a rough one for me. It didn’t used to bother me, but this year was especially difficult for some reason.
I am happy for people who are in loving relationships, but it’s hard not to feel “less than” when seeing all the photos and messages sharing gifts and loving gestures from significant others.
After leaving a horribly abusive and unhealthy relationship, I know that my children and I are better off, but it certainly doesn’t always feel that way.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!
Heather Clark says
Crystal, you are such a beautiful person. Thank you for this. This reminded me of a song. Cheri Call sings He Gives Flowers to Everyone. Wishing everyone on earth knew just how loved they are. Thank you for your part in helping with that.
b says
thank you. i’m hanging on in a dysfunctional marriage for the sake of my children. I’m in my late 50’s and it’s hard to imagine a future.
H says
As someone who grew up as the child whose parents were hanging on, may I suggest that perhaps your children prefer you didn’t? I was well aware of the issues in my parents marriage and often wished that they would just end it so I could enjoy my childhood. I was not blind to their issues like they thought I was.
K says
Totally agree. I was the child in the situation as well. Now that I’m a grown adult, my parents are finally divorcing. I still struggle to understand why they stayed together for the “sake of the kids” when that clearly didn’t help anything… just postponed the inevitable and made things that much more stressful.
Lori says
I, too, grew up in one of those families. My mom was terribly unhappy and so was my dad. He was emotionally abusive to us both and I was well aware of the problems between them.
There was always so much tension in our house, and we had to be so careful around my dad, whose temper would flare up in an instant. I hated living in that environment and was very glad when they finally divorced (I was 15).
Unfortunately, growing up with that type of father led me get involved with men who treated me like trash. It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that I stopped that destructive behavior.
Please think of yourself, not just your kids. You deserve a good and happy life.
Lorrie says
Thank you for this post. I was talking to my daughter who is as freshman in college and she was telling me so many of her friends were so sad yesterday because they have no boyfriend. She was ok but it saddened me that so many young women find their worth in a boyfriend. These are not young women who have been married, abandoned or in a abusive relationship. Just finding their self worth in the wrong place. Thank you for the gentle comfort you gave. Your blog and ministry is a blessing to many.
Mary says
I have followed your blog for several years and know all the good you do in the world. I think this is one of your most considerate, thoughtful posts ever. It is beautiful.
Jennifer says
Thank you….I needed thus more than you know.
Kerry says
Thanks for the post Crystal. It hurt a bit for me too Crystal. But I thank God for his blessings, my wonderful 2 kids – my loving sons, who have showered and continue to shower me with love. To those who are hurting, know that all is not lost. Everything will be okay. Trust in God.
Misty Nicole Roberts says
Thank you for such a beautiful post. Though I had a lovely holiday with my husband, each Valentine’s Day is very bittersweet for me. A decade ago the man who helped raise me, my uncle, was stolen from my family and my world, in a well-publicized hate crime. What’s ironic, is that a man born on the most heartfelt day of the year, a person so full of life and love, became a person who passed away in one of the most unloving ways one could imagine; he would have turned 58 years old yesterday.
So for me, no matter how lovely my Valentine’s Day is, it’s always a little forlorn for me. Each year as a little girl I would hand write a valentine for him, and each year I wish I knew a way to get a card to him in heaven, but in any event I always ask God to hold him a little closer to his side, for me, each Valentine’s Day.
Thank you for this post, Crystal!
Lori Sharp says
Thank you for writing this. After a day like today, i needed to hear this.
Jody says
This is a great post Crystal. Thank you for always looking at so many sides of things and then writing such beautiful encouragement to those who are hurting. This year was a tougher Valentine’s Day. I wrote a post about how my heart cried as I was prepping my son’s Valentine’s cards for his classroom party and realized how wide the gap is becoming between my son with special needs’ abilities and his classmates. I so appreciate how much you take into account others who may have tougher circumstances. I hope you and your family had a great love filled day. Thank you for all the love and encouragement you give and spread!
Katherine says
Thanks for writing this post. I was dreading this day because I’ve been single for almost a year & was in a horrible relationship for 6 miserable yrs. The only guys I met only wanted me physically and one left me completely heartbroken. A date this valentines was never in my plans but God surprised me with one. All of a sudden days before valentine’s day, I was asked out on a date by a coworker I never talked to. We went out to dinner & a movie on Friday and he was such a gentleman. (I haven’t been on a date in 6yrs and I’m 24) It may or may not work out but it made me so excited to finally experience that feeling again. 🙂
Elizabeth says
A lovely thing to write…we were talking today about some we feel for too…that have no special someone today.
Liz says
As someone who is in one of the situations that you listed, I appreciated this post. Thank you, Crystal!
Crystal Paine says
{Hugs!} I just prayed for you, Liz.