Guest post from Lauren
When my husband and I got married, we quickly realized that we came from very different financial backgrounds. My husband’s family was always a “don’t buy it unless you can’t live without it” kind of bunch, where my family enjoyed “retail therapy” a little too much!
Over the course of our first few years of marriage, I think we both changed each other, for the better: he got better about being willing to spend, and I got much better about not spending so much!
We accomplished a lot in a pretty short amount of time:
- We paid off a trip to Europe that I’d put on a credit card just before we got married (see what I mean??)
- We paid off all of my school loans.
- We paid for a move to Illinois for his work.
- We bought a home.
- We started purchasing our own health insurance so that I could stay home with our children.
- We had 3 beautiful children in the space of 3 years.
- We paid cash for a new-to-us vehicle.
- We paid cash for numerous home repairs and upgrades.
- We saved a lot for retirement.
However recently, I was feeling guilty for not saving more. As a result, I mentioned to my husband that I was renewing my commitment to try to find extra money to save.
He stopped me with one word: “Why?”
“Why?” I asked. “What do you mean, why? There’s retirement, and college for the kids, and moving to a better school district, and…” “Yes,” he said, “and we’re on track for all of those things. Why do you want to save more?”
I realized then and there: saving had become the goal.
That’s backwards! I’ve always been the type to save for a purpose – this dollar is going toward new curtains for the living room, this dollar toward a car down the road.
Somewhere along the line, though, I’d lost sight of the real goals we had for saving: to have a more comfortable life, to save against eventual needs, to be more generous with our time and resources.
Saving – just saving to hoard it – had become the goal.
We will still continue to tinker with our savings plan, I’m sure. I’m heading back to graduate school this fall, and we’ll have to replenish some of our savings after paying for that. But I won’t let saving money become my goal, my reason, again. I want to enjoy my life, and learning to live within my means will let me do that!
Lauren is Matt’s wife of 7 1/2 years, and stay at home mama to 3 sweet babies: Macy, Zoë, and Mark. Between cooking, cleaning, working at church, and volunteering, she decided she needed something else on her plate, so she’s headed back to school in the fall.
becca says
LOVE this post!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing! Inspiring to hear you found such a healthy ballence. Sometimes we forget we are also here to teach and live. 🙂
donna says
It is definitely a balancing act…I have been “Waiting until next year” for so many years that my oldest is just a few years away from moving out. I look back now at my childhood, it was good, but I really don’t have any “big” memories other than family holidays and I definitely want my children to have that..so now it is catch up time…and Mallory you answered your own question “once in a lifetime”…
Mallory says
I think that’s one of the hardest parts of saving–remembering that although it’s a way of living, it’s not what life is all about. I’ve been thinking about this lately… for the first time in a long time, I have money! And my mom’s going to Europe for work and I have a friend living in Germany and it would be so awesome to go! I’m not sure how to draw the line between seizing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (living) and putting away money for our debt (saving). *whomp whomp*
Laura Vanderkam says
Great post. Frugality is not a virtue in its own right, divorced from any larger goal. Money is not powerful because of anything inherent in these bits of currency — it’s because of what it can do. Good to stay focused on that.
Sarah says
Great post. I also try and save at all costs, even to my own sanity. We are able to save a substantial amount and are trying to pay off the house, get 100% down payment for a bigger one (three kids in one room will only last so long). If my husband is traveling for the week I just hate the idea of getting a babysitter, even for a few hours break, because it is less that I can save. Or if we are falling behind on housework and it would be nice to get a maid service in for a cleaning. I just think, great that is XX money that I do not have to save and put towards our goal. I just need to remember that my husband works hard for us to be able to save, but also be able to enjoy life. We would not go into debt by any means enjoying some of these things, and I need to stop the tally on all the little things and say, hey I am a better mom because of this expenditure. Still so hard and no I am not calling a babysitter this week even though hubby is gone :/
becca says
Maybe you could form a local Mom’s Group and trade babysitting nights? You should never do something at the cost of your “own sanity”. I know it was said partly in jest, but it is important to remember all you do is teaching your children how to act. If staying home just to save a few dollars leaves you stressed and weary you are not giving your best to your children and might be showing them behaviors you do not mean to. Just a thought, not trying to be judgemental but it is something that I feel has helped me be a better Mom. I now take the time to show my kids it is ok to take a little time for yourself, it makes you stronger. 🙂
WilliamB says
I think it’s important to be thoughtful about one’s spending: spend in ways that reflect your preferences and values as well as your means. Saving for it’s own sake is foolish.
Brandy says
Love this post! Such a good reminder!
Savings Viking says
Just goes to show that you can hoard anything.
sue says
This is a great post! I too have become a save at all cost thinker. Thanks for reminding me that “hoarding” is not the goal!
Lisa-panaMOM says
This is my favorite MSM post EVER!!!!
Lindsey Swinborne says
I want to know what your husband does for a living! Wow, you guys have done well! I recently realized that all of my frugality has made me VERY stingy. When unexpected company (that invited themselves to come stay for the weekend though we hardly know them) came I fretted over every dollar and bite that they ate. A big part of it was their rudeness in being so presumptuous and not lifting a finger to help with food prep, dishes, cleaning, etc. But I still found myself so angry and resentful over all of the groceries we had to buy instead of just being glad God has given us enough that we can actually buy some extra groceries if company comes. Because we pinch every penny, it can be so hard to be generous when lazy/unwelcome people come along into your lives.
Jen says
I know exactly how you feel. I have found myself thinking the same thing when my in laws visit. Instead of being thankful that my kids get to spend time with their Grandparents, I start adding up how much everything is going to cost me. I then get frustrated and irritated that they are visiting–definately the wrong attitude.
WilliamB says
Lindsey, I wonder if a part (a large part?) of your resentment was their attitude rather than their appetites. Most people, I think, would be happy to have *pleasant, courteous* guests at any time and be grateful we could afford it. But rude folk like that, that’s something else entirely.
Jessica says
I love this post. I think a lot of us focus on making a goal of saving money rather then saving to reach a goal.
I recently accepted a new job job that came with a $13,000 pay increase. So needless to say, saving has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been contemplation the trade off’s of finally not pinching every penny versus continuing to live so tight that I can’t enjoy things I want to. I finally came to the conclusion that once I am 100% debt free (6 months from now) I will increase my “free spending account” a bit and saving with specific goals in mind even if its simply to pay for a night out to a concert or something like that.
Lynn says
I know exactly what you mean, my husband and I recently had a very similar conversation. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in the saving, which can be good, but you do feel like you are just beginning to hoard money if you aren’t careful. Ultimately, we want to live a financially secure, balanced life while meeting our goals and enjoying ourselves and experiences. Everyone’s goals are different, this is what works for us, but sometimes I need a gentle reminder!
Jessica says
Do you have goals? Paying cash for your schooling could be one. Funding your kids’ 529s each year could be another. Saving too much is a problem that many people would love to have!
becca says
You may not have meant to but please try not to be negative. The spirit of this post was that saving and working together as a couple got their family to a good place- one where they could finally relax some and just stick to their budget. I know many are struggling and do not see an end in sight, but this should be a goal, not something to tear down.
Katie says
I didn’t find Jessica’s post to be negative or trying to tear the original poster down. She was merely offering her suggestions on goals.
Cindy Arco says
Great perspective…thanks for sharing, Lauren!
Virginia says
Thank you for posting this! I, too, can get overfocused on saving and forget what my true purpose is as a wife, mother, homemaker, and healthy human being. This was a great reminder!
Erin S. says
Great post! Thanks for sharing!
Janice says
Wow. I’ve noticed that I too become like that. We have everything and more but I need to save, save, save. I don’t clip coupons but I find ways to cut cost.
I find that often I get more burnt out than not just for the sake of saving.
I should enjoy life and not take it so seriously. I guess our past has something to do with this. The time that we struggled…