She was working on a project for school. She was sitting on the fairly-new, suede couch. She was using scissors.
{You can guess where this is going already…}
Unbeknownst to her, in her concentration to get the project cut out just right, she also cut the suede on the couch.
Not once, not twice, but five times.
She didn’t even realize it until we were cleaning up the papers from the project. I saw the cuts firsts, then she saw them.
I wanted to get upset. After all, the couch wasn’t anywhere near free and it was something we’d purchased intending to keep it for many years.
But before I could become upset, a little voice whispered to me, “It’s just a couch.”
It’s not worth anger or frustration — especially since it was just an accident and she was immediately very sorry and upset about what she had done.
The accidental cuts she made on the couch can be mended with a needle and thread. Cutting into my daughter’s heart with my words can’t be undone.
It’s just a couch. It will fade, tear, and get stained with years and use, anyway. It won’t matter much in 25 years from now.
But my relationship with my daughter and how I respond to her — even in the little things like this? That will matter tremendously in 25 years from now.
photo courtesy of Big Stock Photo
At the same time, this is a great opportunity to gently discuss paying attention to your surroundings, and doing things in appropriate places. I decided long ago not to lose my cool over things like this, but when my kid was drawing with a pen, and the pen poked through the paper and left a permanent mark on the couch, we talked about what would have been a better place to draw. He’s slowly becoming more aware of the best spot for the task.
Amen.
GO MOM!!!
Thanks for the perspective! Wanted to let you know, too, that I had a couch with a cut in it. I worked at an auto dealership at the time and they told me to bring it in to the shop there. The detail guys fixed that cut so that you would NEVER even know it was there! Might be worth looking into!
Your post made me cry. I have two special needs children and they often unintentionally break things. It’s a daily walk to realize that sinks falling out of countertops, holes made in window screens etc… are just things. My husband and I have started a special budget category just for things that get broken by our life with autism. To have a child to wrap your arms around and hug… that’s the real treasure…
You hit it out of the park, Mom!! Good job!!
Wow … I think we have all been there with something like this. What an awesome reminder to take everything in stride and build your relationship with your children. How honoring to the Lord and what an example. I love your post Crystal!
Thank you for posting this. I needed to read this today:)
I don’t know if you will get this or not, since writing several days after your post. The same thing happened to me and I had the cushions recovered. I wasn’t able tot match the sofa fabric (a beige chenille) so I chose a fabric of the same color and type but with a subtle design. It looks like it was supposed to be that way and we get compliments on our sofa!
Teary-eyed…Unfortunately, I forget these things usually until after the yelling is done. I try to think before I react, but as crazy busy as our lives are I find myself reacting way too often. Thanks for the reminder – our kids are so precious and deserve the best from us.
My husband has long had a motto: People are more important than things.
That doesn’t mean that we let our children ruin things without care or consequence. It does mean that when accidents happen, we remember to protect the heart of the person from our own outburst of anger and lack of self control.
Remembering this motto has served me well many many times!! And not remembering it has made me sorry many many times.
I love your wisdom!
I have an ottoman with three scissor cuts from my 3 year old son. Well, from when one of my sons was three and the ottomon was new. Somehow repairs were never managed. Now he is 16 and those cuts are still there and the memory of that sweet three year old face!
Great post!
this brought tears. i think part of what makes this example hit me so deeply–is that it comes from YOU, Crystal. You do not prize material things, but you are careful about being a good steward of the money God has entrusted you with. So I know, personally, it could not have been easy to ‘let it go’ because there was a lot of careful planing/saving/prayerful shopping that went into that couch! But to hear how you laid all that down and instead saw with an Eternal perspective–it’s beautiful. Thanks for sharing
Aww. I try to tell myself no big deal when my son destroys something. I do get upset. But then he says “are you mad or happy?”. Looking at his cute face i know i should stay happy.
This type of situation is SO hard to keep calm throughout for me and I just love how you took a moment to breathe and thought about how to use your words the right way. Totally going to try and remember this for the next time my little darling girl decides to be “helpful” or “creative”… hehe
I needed this.
Thank you! I tend to over react in those situations. I needed the reminder that the “stuff” in life isn’t as important as the people in life. Thank you thank you thank you!
Thank you for sharing this!!! I sometimes have a tendency to react first and think second. This is a great reminder that accidents do happen and that our words and actions are very powerful!
Great job, Crystal,
This reminds of when I was a little girl. I was dusting on our bookshelves and the set of encyclopedias fell on the shelf below, which had my mom’s beautiful china dishes she brought over from Germany. I felt absolutely terrible even though it was an accident. And over 25 years later, I still remember my mother’s response…”it’s only material possessions.” I try to think of that when my boys destroy things in the house.
Wow! I can’t believe children’s scissors cut suede! I don’t think my titaniun scissors could cut my suede couch without working at it pretty good. Bummer.
♥
You are so right about this Crystal. My teenage daughter arrived home from Tae Kwon Do class one night last summer and came in to tell me she had side-swiped the guard rail. I had the same choice as you did in that moment but thankfully that same small voice said it’s just a truck. I asked her what happened and told her I was glad she was okay and didn’t hit anyone else. Yes, one area of my truck is now full of scratches and dents but my daughter is safe and no one else was hurt.
But that’s not where the story ends. She went and told her younger sister (who has her permit now) and I could hear them, “You mean she didn’t yell? You’re not in trouble?” The astonishment was priceless.
And then, months later, as we drove home from Thanksgiving dinner, late at night, in the same truck, my girls told us how now they know they can come to us with anything and it will be okay.
By taking one moment and forgiving a mistake (cutting the couch) or understanding why they made the decision they did (hitting the guard rail to avoid pedestrians and oncoming traffic) we taught them that sometimes bad things happen and it’s okay to come to mom. And the effects on their heart are priceless.
It’s true for grandparents, too! I love, love, love, my grandchildren and love having them at my house. Things will get broken, torn, and messy but little hearts and spirits are the things of value that must be protected. The world is hard enough on them, give those kids an extra measure of grace. It’s an investment and the return is immeasurable.
The “little voice” you heard reminds me of the time I was talking (nagging) my son while in the car about him constantly making us late due to losing his shoes or his coat or….. when suddenly this light came in the car that said “shut fuel cap” and I felt immediately convicted to do just that….(I shut my own personal fuel cap and stopped nagging). Now I am working on having my son find all he needs hours before we need to go somewhere, its tough but it works better than stress out mom lectures! that I am sure he was tuning out anyways.
Oh, how I love this reminder – especially since my little one has begun with the scissors lately.
Thank you for a great reminder!
I love this story. We went through a similar instance, it’s all part of growing up. My youngest is 8 this year, so we did get better furniture this year. Our old furniture was cut, colored and stained by kids. Some on accident, some on purpose but they were all just a part of growing up. Today we laugh about the 3″ square our little one cut out of the chair or the sun he drew on the leather sofa with a sharpie.
I don’t remember making mistakes quite that big 🙂 but I do remember that my mom kept her cool when dishes broke, milk spilled, etc. I was always more upset with myself than she was. The joke now in our house is “one less dish to wash!”…..but it’s not the expensive stuff either, so that may be why it’s no big deal.
Congratulations on keeping your cool.
Coming from a mom who lost her little girl in a tragic swinging accident last year, you’ll come to appreciate these blunders as time goes on. After my six year old colored on our kitchen wall in sharpie, I intended to paint over it. Now I’m glad it got put off. Now, I have a little black puppy next to my refrigerator that reminds us of her every day.
Kami,
Hugs to you dear sister.
I have taken over my husband’s unused (very expensive) pool table and I am using it as a cutting table. Do you know how simple it is to slice ‘Speed Felt’ with a rotary cutter?? I had to wash the cover I use and noticed I have about 5 small slits in the the felt……. To understate it a little my hubby is a A-type personality with a little OCD mixed in…… I wonder how long I can go before I tell him??? We plan on moving in a year, I may break it to him by then.
This is something I have trouble grasping when I’m in the heat of the moment. Working on it! This is so true and that’s why I’m so worried that my relationship with my daughter may be strained in 25 years from now 🙁
I am not a mom yet, but I will keep this in mind for the future. http://makesmethink.com/ i love this website for similiar inspirational stories.
That was the greatest response! Thanks for the reminder! I need it right now! Both kiddos have been sick and my patience is wearing thin…and when they are sick, they tend to do things they normally wouldn’t.
This is such a great post. It is so easy to forget these things. As adults we make mistakes as well! Today I ran over a piece of metal in the road. I don’t know what the heck I was thinking! It just looked like cardboard. Anyway, this resulted in a very flat tire about two hours later. Thankfully the mistake only cost me $35 for a tire repair.
How true! It’s way to easy to overreact to things like that. I tend to like everything neat and in order and things like that can bother me. I really need to learn that it’s really not that important! There are things far worse than a partially ruined couch.
Amen, Crystal. I know it’s sometimes hard to remember in the heat of the moment. My daughters are nearly grown now, but I still need this reminder.
Thanks for the post…I needed it. My “couch” this week was being late for church on Sunday. But I didn’t hold my tongue as you did…and I don’t think God was pleased (I know I wasn’t; I know my kids weren’t). So….I think I’ll copy out your article and put it on my fridge for a few days to remind myself…..”It’s just walking in the door late.”—-these are not the things that matter so much.
What a gracious and beautiful response to your daughter and your relationship with her.
I am not sure I would be so controlled in my response but I do believe in the message – that things are not as important as the person’s feelings. I was raised in a home where the things were considered more valuable than living a normal life ( we had white carpet throughout our home!!!). I have tried to remember our “stuff” is to be used and lived on and sometimes that means we mess them up. I actually have done the most damage by making a poster with permanent magic marker on top of my mahogany dining room table … It bled through and now there are words showing in the finish of my table. I could be furious about it but it was an accident. And the funny thing is, I was writing The Lord’s Prayer on the poster so if you read the words, it is quite uplifting!!
That made me laugh………..
Try to clean it with foam (not gel) shaving cream from a can. Of course try a hidden location just in case it messes with the finish.
haha that made me laugh. love it!
Thanks for this reminder I work with teens and I have to be careful in my responses to them as well! Even with my one year old I must practice keeping my tongue so that when it is completely crucial!
This is a great post, and a great reminder to parents. I just read in a book Shepherding A Child’s Heart a compelling question: “Do you find yourself yelling at or so upset with your children that you find it impossible to stop and pray with them?” Being a parent is such a high calling and requires infinite patience! Too bad that’s not easier to obtain…
I love that book!
Amen and amen.
Great job, keeping your cool! Great reminder too, as I usually react quickly and irrationally before feeling guilty about reacting so out of proportion- but I’m working on it. What can I say? I’m a work in progress!
GREAT JOB, had a similar incident recently, only it was our Highlander and our brand new house…….didn’t pass the test as well as you……..keep on practicing, you will need it later! 😉
When my husband was a boy, he toppled his mom’s china cabinet and all the china in it, including family heirlooms, broke. Story has it that my MIL couldn’t really speak for a day or two, but they were just thankful that he wasn’t hurt.
Can we say couch cover, I found a printed flat sheet works well. 🙂
That is so true and I have to tell you that I really needed this tonight. I had what I guess will go down in our family history as The Maple Syrup Disaster of 2012 this evening and have been scrubbing it off the only a year old carpet and have steam mopped and scrubbed the kitchen floor three times but my feet are still sticking to it. On the bright side it smells mapley in here if that is even a word so it is like a free candle! LOL
This had me laughing so hard! I love it… “The Maple Syrup Disaster of 2012”. May the stickiness be gone soon, and the “mapley” scent linger. 🙂
Praise the Lord! Isn’t it wonderful when the Holy Spirit prompts us to shut our mouths before we speak?! I know this has happened to me, too, and I know where the “pause” comes from. 🙂 I on my own don’t pause as well as I wish I did. But the Lord is working on me, and through me, and it is the most awesome thing, isn’t it?
Your daughter learned so much about love, about grace, and about her worth. I am so pleased you responded as you did. May God bless you!
What a sweet reminder for us all to keep perspective!!! … especially at these hectic times of the year. All the best.
Mmmm mmm mmm. I know. I have been there. A few times. One time it was my nephew and one of our glass plates he was washing. His parents were so upset but we said,”It’s just a plate”. Then my husband said, “We wanted some new ones anyway.” He didn’t mean it. He was actually doing something good when it happened. We could have done the same thing.
I have had grown men who were guests in our home accidentally draw on my couch (old couch gone now) with a marker. You have to take into account intent. She didn’t mean it. It’s a learning experience for both of you. And can you get replacement cushions?
Thank you so much for this reminder. It is so hard not to have that instant reaction, but your words are so true about mending the couch/mending your relationship.
What a gentle reminder.
Thank you friend!
I have a 4 month old daughter, so we aren’t to the destructive phase yet, but thank you so much for giving me something really important to think about. I know that I don’t know you, but I honestly feel like I’ve learned so much about being a good mom from you.
Sometimes our parenting blessings come in unexpected places. I have been marveling at how not having much voice is changing how I am able to interact with my kids. I should be this way all the time. It’s led to a much calmer house.
Thanks so much for the reminder! I needed to hear this.
Heh! When my son (now 17) was a toddler, he got a plastic knife and scratched up our brand new car door. I was upset…..but far more at myself than at him. Don’t even think I yelled at him.
The car is now HIS, those scratches are barely visible among all the other dings and scratches, and it’s now just a funny story. 🙂 Some things really don’t matter. And others just make for a great story!
Thank you for this. Your children are so blessed to have a mom that cares as much as you do.
SO true! We need God’s grace to listen to the still, small voice — and act accordingly! This post reminded me of “Courageous” (the movie), which I recently watched for the first time…
Thank-you for sharing!
thank you. i needed that tonite. =)
I’m guessing no more scissors on the couch..;)
Awesome response Crystal. I wish I could know that I would respond in the same loving way! You’re a great mom.
I don’t think it would necessarily be wrong to show that you’re upset over it or frustrated, or at least dismayed that there were cuts in your couch. It doesn’t mean that you have to direct it at the child, but in our house, we have a lot of issues with our kids not really taking care with things – you know, the stage where they’re so curious about what would happen if they used the scissors on the couch, or snapped a few blinds off so they could see out the window – so it would feel weird to just shrug my shoulders and say, “Don’t worry, it’s just a couch.” But it sounds like this happened with a child who already is concerned and careful, so it’s probably a different scenario.
I see what you’re saying. Childishness vs. foolishness is one of the ways to discern about disciplining a child. For example, your child knocks over their milk cup and it spills. These things happen and we clean it up. But if your child knocked over their milk in anger or after you told them to sit down three times, some discipline is probably needed. With Crystal, the child obviously didn’t mean to cut the couch – it was an accident and the child had a contrite heart.
Beautiful Crystal, and right on the money. Nearly 25 years ago I scratched up my mom’s new faucet trying to clean it for her. She did not respond how you responded to your daughter and I do remember the whole thing like it was yesterday…and we are not close at all. That experience of mine is brought to my mind each time I am about to lose it with my two daughters and I rejoice with you in your graceful mothering success!
Especially sad because you were trying to help.
Crystal,
I love your post. It is just a couch and we aren’t supposed to store up treasure here on Earth where moth, rust or scissors will destroy.
I recently discovered black sharpie on our brown leather couch. It is much older and the kids have never gotten anything on it before. I mentioned it to them so they’ll be careful next time, but I didn’t get upset knowing that at some point we’ll need a new couch anyway.
My grandson used ink on my leather couch. I sprayed hairspray on it and it did wipe off. Might be worth a try.
I know that I have responded in the past with anger about the “little stuff” and I could see the pain in my daughter’s eyes. I try so very hard to let stuff go and most of the time I do just say “It’s only a couch”… but then I will have a day (you know, those days when you just can’t keep it together) and I forget and yell again. Then I apologize… explain that I am only human and that I made a mistake in yelling…. however, I struggle with forgiving myself… I sit and cry because I am pretty sure I am a terrible Mom (I know I’m not, but I feel like after I yell) and I am sure that my daughter will grow up feeling those hurts in her heart…. I still keep trying to forgive myself and I always keep trying to learn and do better and let those angry moments slide right by. Thanks for sharing…. great reminder!
The choice you made is saintly! It is a great reminder that I am afraid I needed badly today.
my son just broke a crystal bowl i received for my bridal shower..he was more upset than i, yes it was a piece i loved,but now hes taking odd jobs from his daddy and grandparents so he can buy me a new one for Christmas…i already know that i will treasure that bowl much more.
And for couches there is always nice blankets to put over accident spots
Yes, what a treasure that new bowl will be!
My Grammie always said these 2 things: “What’s done is done.” & “Don’t worry about things that money can fix.” I have taken these things to heart and apply them (often!) with our children over the years. My hubby gets so upset about stuff like this and I often have to remind him of those little sayings. He has gotten much better about it – not worth getting all bent out of shape about stuff. That doesn’t mean I have never slipped up or yelled. I have felt awful about it when I have done it – after all, they *are* children and with children, anything can happen. It just means I get to apologize for my outburst, explain why I might have been upset & then have them (when applicable) have me clean up or repair what was done.
Ah…don’t worry about things that money can fix. I LOVE that phrase. Going to add it to my “sentence list” immediately.
A dear friend who had a son diagnosed with cystic fibrosis told me that he asked the doctor, “If I were a rich man, could you make him well?” Let me tell you, that thought brings me right to my knees. When the doctor told him that no amount of money could cure his son, he was able to move forward.
And Crystal, this testimony was very sweet. Sometimes I think that when we are frugally minded, we can easily inflate the importance of stuff because we’ve taken the time to save for it “in cash.” How wise you were to give your daughter a memory of your grace and kindness. Think how delighted you’ll be when she responds to your grandchildren with the same gentleness.
This is amazing Crystal! This is definitely something I wish many moms in my family would remember, and something I strive for every day. Thank you for the poetic reminder!
You will have such a beautiful memory when you see the cuts because of how you responded, instead of a pang of guilt. Beautiful and a great reminder.
Makes me think of the time we caught my old-enough-to-know-better daughter in her room with a fresh mullet she gave herself, plus a haircut to her raggedy ann doll, her pillow looked like wolverine attacked it, cut backpack, cut Jesse doll, and worst of all, she cut the cat’s whiskers down to the quick. I was kind of hysterical, laughing, because I was relieved the hair could be rescued with a cute bob. She was confused by the laughing, but we made her pay for the haircut and thus far it hasn’t happened again!
Your whole comment had me rolling on the floor the “her pillow looked like wolverine attacked it” really made me laugh and giggle till tears came to my eyes. I can just picture the whole scene. What a funny story! Made my day!
Oh my. I laughed so hard I got tears. Sometimes kids are just so ridiculous in their misbehavior or curiosity that is all you can do, is laugh.
How did she get the cat to stay still for that?!? She might have a good career as a cat wrangler.
The cat fur and whiskers were all in a pile by the door. I picture the poor cat scrabbling to get out as she was clipped! And they were safety scissors!
good for your for realizing what is important and if it makes your daughter feel any better
I did the same thing when I was a teenager!
That little voice is an amazing thing. I’ve had that little voice come when I saw my daughter’s ‘artwork’ in her bedroom. A crayon and ten minutes brought her name, her sisters name’s and a line that went clear around the room. I wanted to snap but instead we talked about it and now she’s enlisted to help re-paint her room come time, I think she’ll enjoy that though…haha.
I’d normally get it off with soap and water but we live in an old house that needs a great bit of TLC and the previous owner chose to paint with exterior paint throughout the entire house and for the life of me can’t find anything that’ll get even crayon off the wall.
The Mr. Clean Magic Eraser removed crayon and pen marks off our walls. But in our old house where we had flat paint, it also removed a layer of paint so it didn’t help much (I found out, that’s what happens when trying to clean flat paint!). 🙂
Ugh. We have the same el cheapo flat paint, 1 layer of it. We have an artist in residence as well and Mr. Clean Magic Erasers take off a layer of our paint too. So does a washcloth though 🙁
I use Mrs Meyers lavender cleaners just buy the concentrate and use it for everything even cleaning bathrooms, it is a wonder of getting pen marks off walls and the mattress after my little angel was being watched by daddy (aka the football game instead of the child)
Try WD-40. I used it to get crayon off the nursery walls at church all the time… then washed them down some, too, lol. Not sure if outdoor paint is different, but I think it should work.
Crystal,
You are so wise. What a wonderful reminder to give our children grace.
You get the gold parenting star for today 🙂
We lived with an old junky couch for years, including burn marks courtesy of hubby (long story!). It’s true–it was much simpler than all the worrying I do about the new one!
Such wisdom from someone so young. I wish I could turn back clock and start over. My kids are now in their teens and I know I messed up so much when they were young…
Thanks for sharing this.
Debbie, you don’t need to turn back the clock. Just start where you are now. When God brings something to your mind from the past that you need to apologize for you should do that and ask for forgiveness. Then you can live in freedom knowing that you’ve done your part to mend the mess.
I had to do that with my 18 year old this summer. Out of the blue (probably because he was preparing to leave for college) several things came to mind that I felt like I needed to apologize for. He was so very gracious and forgave me even after all this time. He told me that these were no big deal but I really felt like I needed to apologize.
Thank you for sharing this. We all make mistakes with our children. We can seek repentance and ask our children for forgiveness. And then we can do better with the Lord’s help. I’ve been having trouble being patient with my daughter since having my third child 2 weeks ago. Poor girl is just struggling with the adjustment. Thank you for the reminder that I can ask her for forgiveness. And thank you, Crystal, for the reminder that “it’s just a couch” (or whatever it is) and that my daughter is infinitely more precious than all the little things I’m getting upset about.
Can you flip the cushions over and switch them around?
The same thing happened to me the other day with a broken platter. I probably had an easier time not getting upset seeing as a platter was a lot less expensive than a couch, but I heard that same voice say, “It’s just a platter.” These little ones are priceless – worth far more than our earthly treasures.
Love this post because I have failed in this area. Getting angry over things I ought not with my boys – and it breaks my heart. Very convicting and a great reminder to not to do it again. Thanks for sharing.
Oh.my.gosh. I’d have hollered. I’d have cried. I probably would’ve sworn too. The only person I’d be angry at would be ME – we have leather couches and they weren’t cheap either. Not to mention, you can’t sew leather all too easily, or that we really have any extra cash to replace them right now…
I’d be SO angry, but not at my kids – it was an accident.
However…the time my son colored on my couch with a permanent marker (how he got it I know not), and then me stripping the color from the couch? I wasn’t so nice. I still regret it.
Well done, my dear friend. Well done.
Wise words!
Sometimes I find that the big things are easier to maintain your composure on. It’s the little nuisances throughout the day that I seem to get more worked up over. That said…9 times out of 10…it’s “just a couch” and it’s really not worth the heart ache to cry over spilled milk. Especially not in an accident like this.
Thank you for sharing. A good lesson!
Great reminder! Especially as I look at our couch with marker, stains, juice, etc….I saw a Pottery Barn couch at the mall over the weekend and drooled over how pretty it looked. But then I saw the price tag (panic attack #1) and then pictured my daughters bringing a blue marker to it (panic attack #2)! It’s not worth the stress!
WOW – so well said and SO TRUE… I need to remember that more before I SNAP without thinking.
So good. And such truth. Way to go. Now, if the world had a million just like you….we’d be so much better off.
Thanks for such a great example! This is something I struggle with–I confess I tend to get pretty upset about things like that. I don’t yell, but my frustration can be pretty evident and is not constructive!
Right there with you, Jenn. We all need this reminder!! 🙂
As an older woman all I can say is how incredibly proud I am of you!
Great job responding with your heart, Crystal, which was so honoring to the Lord…way to go :)!! Those little cuts will always be a gentle reminder of a job well done by you as a Mom rather than the memories it might have evoked if your response had been different. Thank you for sharing this precious story today:)!
This is a great reminder for parents. I know I can always use inspiration like this to keep my best parenting hat on, especially during times like these.