I wrote a post over on MomLife last week on a mothering lesson I’ve been learning recently:
Recently, I was frustrated with a few of my children who were dawdling with their room cleaning. As I walked into their still-messy room to reprimand them for being so slow in getting their project done, I was about ready to lose all of my cool.
“Why do I have to constantly repeat myself over and over again? Why can’t they just do what I ask them to do? Why do I have to constantly be checking up on them and making sure they are following through with what I’ve asked of them?”
As my anger reached its peak and began to bubble out in heated words, my heart was pricked as I thought of all of the grace and mercy God has extended to me. And, as a Christian, aren’t I supposed to be imitating Christ in how I respond to others — including my children?
Read the full post here.
What a great post! We can teach children how to clean by helping them and also by encouraging them to learn to complete tasks on their own. Because cleaning their room is the hardest and most time consuming job for my boys it happens to be the job that has the best pay rate. While a very messy room can be very overwhelming to a kid we give ours the option-clean with help or clean alone? If you choose to clean with help the pay rate is cut in half because there are two people doing the job of one. My son realized VERY quickly that he could save money faster if he completed the job alone. Since the recent room merge at our house I established the kept clean bonus-they boys really don’t have to clean it any more-we have been working on putting each group of toys away when it is done being played with. My oldest son takes care of his toys alone while I help the youngest get his toys put in the bin before bed. The biggest key to this working as well as it does-EVERYTHING HAS A PLACE and my kids know the place for everything. There are even empty bins in their room for new toys. With our new organization picking up is a cinch! I even fine myself enjoying giving help until they gain that independence with the improved organization!
I have one child who get overwhelmed very easily with tasks like this. It used to drive me crazy! I mean, how hard can it be? Well, for him, it’s pretty tough to see beyond the mess…especially if Momma is frustrated to boot!
I found that one of the easiest ways to break it down into smaller parts is to use a hula hoop! I take the hoop and put it in one area and tell him to work on what is inside of the hoop. Then we move it around. It is so much easier for him to tackle his room when he can actually SEE the smaller pieces. 😀
I have one really compliant child and one well lets say not compliant. Recently due to health issues my non-compliant child needed to go on a new medication. It has changed his attitude to the negative. I have noticed the more I plead and instruct him to do what needs to be done the more resistance I get. I noticed a hug is the best way to diffuse the situation and to calm him. Sometimes he just needs help in calming down and then we can talk about what is happening. Then getting him to help with what needs to be done is usually easy or at least easier.
Thanks for this message as it is something I needed to be reminded of today.
I love you, Crystal! Thank you for being so encouraging and so genuine.
Thanks for affirming that this morning–I did just that 5 minutes ago. I found the kids (1 & 3) playing in their room surrounded by piles of dirt. Someone had brought an outdoor toy indoors last night. Instead of yelling, we talking about keeping outdoor toys outdoors and indoor toys indoors. They helped me put away all the toys and then watched while I vacuumed up the mess. I felt a lot better than I would have if I had just yelled at them. 🙂
On a side note, I’ve found that taking care of myself and staying on top of MY to-do list makes me more prepared for these kinds of daily tangents. If I’ve slept well, done my morning routine, and eaten breakfast, I’m more likely to respond kindly than if I hadn’t done those things. 🙂
Completely agree with you here, Jessica. If the kids are really driving me up the wall, it’s generally because *I* have not rested, I’m in my pjs, and I’ve spent the day slacking off. Sticking to the routine keeps everyone in a better frame of mind!
Also, I just visited your blog and I love how you write your blessings on the calendar. I may have to steal that! Your story is very encouraging, as our family has experienced many of the same things. 🙂
I agree, cleaning an entire room can be daunting to a child. I like to break it down into smaller jobs. Since my oldest son learned to count, I often tell him to put 5 or 10 things away before he goes out to play. Other times I ask him to pick up all his clothes or his just his legos. We’re also try to help him stay on top of the mess, by reminding him to put things away when he’s finished so that the room never gets too messy.
the book of proverbs mentions training twice as often as discipline – i try to remember that when i am about to be rude to my children!
You mean you yell? My whole image of you just shattered. 😉 Scooting over to read the rest…
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! These stories are why I love your blog so much. I hate yelling at my kids, but seem to do it constantly. Next time I am definitely going to try helping instead of yelling. This is something I really needed to hear today. Thanks again.
Im constantly overwhelmed even by the simplest things. Thank you for showing me that my lil ones can get overwhelmed too, and that sometimes giving them a little grace will go a long way. Thank you 🙂
Love it! Added it to “my favorites” as it will serve as a great reminder in the future. 🙂
A song a friend of my wrote seems relevant to helping kiddos ask for help before melting down or dawdling. It’s pretty cute. ( ;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD-sIxphUhQ
Sorry! I didn’t realize it’d insert the whole video – though it’d just do a link.
I clicked on read full article and it keeps tellin me error w url, I want soo bad to fonish reading this post. Its something that I’ve been struggling with for a while now! Please help.
Try this link: http://www.momlifetoday.com/2012/08/instead-of-yelling-try-helping/
I used to get down and help my children with their room but then they started expecting it of me and they started to refuse to do any of it unless I was there. They are now 7 & 11 (soon both will be 8 & 12) and it is still a fight. When I wasn’t working it wasn’t as big of a deal but when you throw in 2 parents working, dinner, laundry, dishes… in general cleaning the house suddenly that time spent becomes less and less and eventually the kids need to do it on their own. When they are 5 and younger I can understand it. Sometimes when the room MUST be cleaned myself or my husband will sit down with a book and just be there to supervise but that also means if I’m doing it I’m up til 1am doing my own chores to be back up at 6am or if my husband does it he doesn’t get his unwind time which makes him a bear to live with.
Not saying yelling is the route to take but when you hit your 3rd day of them doddling then extreme measures may be the next step with older children. For us it is a giant trash bag and everything on the floor gets tossed in and they have a set time limit anything else left in the bag gets donated or tossed depending on what it is. Sometimes they get everything put away and sometimes they don’t which means they had too much stuff in my opinion.
My personal opinion is don’t let kids get too dependent on your help with everything it may be quicker, it may cut down on stress but they aren’t learning as much in the long run on how to take care of themselves when they get older.
I totally agree with you on not letting your kids get too dependent — especially as they get older. You might enjoy this post:
https://moneysavingmom.com/2012/04/20-chore-ideas-for-7-year-olds.html
Thanks for chiming in!
Yep. I have done the bag method on occasion. They see me get a bag out, and all of sudden everyone is hopping! The bag goes in the attic for a loooong time.
Sometimes setting the kitchen timer is very effective – if I don’t do it every time. They like the challenge of racing against the clock.
But with younger kids, they often really do need some help – in their eyes the project is overwhelming. Or you can break it down into single tasks, like “First, pick up the animal puzzle. When you’re done, come tell me.” Then you tell them the next thing.
And frankly, I do plenty of yelling. Trying to stop.
I used to do the item method too when they were a bit younger and it was helpful and the kitchen timer.
I think my kids are old enough now though that they figured out mommy is old and tired so they keep trying to put one over on me “I am cleaning!” then you sneak back to check and nope they found that barbie under that stuffed animal and now that barbie is the most wonderful thing in the world.
Probably partially my fault again when they were a bit younger I tried to ‘play clean’ … “Look the bunny is hopping into it’s bin to take a nap. Hippity hop hippity hop.” To get them to giggle and break the stress.
I think the worst part though is when they have friends over and the friends enjoy pulling every toy off of every shelf which of course upsets my kids when clean up time comes. We try to get the friends to help but nothing is ever organized it’s just shoved willy nilly on shelves. I’ve found to help with some of this I will grab bins of toys and put them into the laundry room until after the other kids leave. There’s still a mess of course but by no means as bad.
On the bright side when our children grow up and have children and complain of messy rooms we can can laugh and say, “You should have seen your room.”
I am very much with you there! Small kids can need help. But the older ones need to learn how to not rely on us so much.
I was at my wit’s end the other day with my youngest (7) – lying about getting shores done, never finishing her room and papers EVERYWHERE, etc. She was overwhelmed. It was driving me crazy. I figure out that the help she needed was help sorting through all her junk and getting rid of a good half of it. Now her room is kept clean and no more lies. She organizes 2 areas each day now so that it doesn’t go back to that mess.
I helped – but with the eye toward “teaching her to fish”.
I find that even “older” children can get overwhelmed (adults too! 🙂 ). Breaking it down can really, really help.
For example: “Please put all your toys in the bins and put the bins on the shelf” is much easier for them to follow than “Please pick up your room!”
If there are toys, books, and everything else, I’ve started writing a checklist on the dry erase board on the child’s door (for example):
1. put toys in the bins
2. put bins on the shelf
3. put books in the bookcase neatly
4. any clothes to go in the hamper? Put them there please.
5. Put loose papers away
6. Make your bed
7. sweep the floor
This is similar to a list I’d make for myself on a big project. I know that even for me if I write “Clean out garage” it can be overwhelming and I’ll potter around without really getting anything done! The kids can cross the list off as they go and see what they still need to do. Expectations are met and there are far fewer questions and a lot less anxiety.
Hope that’s helpful!
Lea
Hi the link to read the full article isn’t working.
Hmm, it’s working for me. Try this: http://www.momlifetoday.com/2012/08/instead-of-yelling-try-helping/
Couldn’t have read this at a better time… Thank you for the encouragement!
oh man, you are so right i just got goosebumps while feeling guilty, thank you jesus for speaking through her
wow, like the others said, your timing is impecible.. Thank you for always having kind words of encouragment and sanity to help us crazy hectic moms!
How the heck are you always so timely?
Thank-you. I needed that ,but then the question comes to mind,how and when do they learn to clean their rooms by themselves?