One of the kids woke up really frustrated recently. In all honesty, I wanted to respond back in frustration… because it felt like a really “silly” thing for them to be upset by.
But if I’ve learned anything in over 17 years of mothering, it’s this: responding in frustrating to a child who is frustrated never ends well. Just trust me on this.
So instead, I took a deep breath, leaned on the Holy Spirit, and asked them to share what was wrong.
They had a lot to vent out right then & I purposely just listened. I wanted to try to come up with some quick fixes or solutions, but I could tell that’s not what they needed. They just needed a listening ear that said: “I care. You are valued. What matters to you, matters to me.”
After they had poured out their big feelings, I asked how I could help. There wasn’t much I could do, but I could tell that just that simple question brought some relief to them. It communicated that they weren’t alone. That I was *with* them. That they didn’t have to shoulder this all on their own.
And then I asked them what they could do about it. Instead of me trying to swoop in and fix things, I wanted to let them process through what they were feeling and come up with next steps.
We didn’t tie everything up with a neat bow, but my posture of leaning in and loving and seeking to walk beside de-escalated the situation so that by the time they walked out the door to leave for school, they were feeling much calmer and less stressed.
Mamas: we set the tone for our home. We can’t fix all our kids’ struggles. We can’t solve all our kids’ problems, but we can walk with them. We can communicate to them, “I’m here. I love you. I’m FOR you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
There might need to be some hard conversations or consequences or addressing heart issues in days to come — after a child/teen is in a better headspace — but in the moment when our kids are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, they just need to know we are there. They don’t need our lectures; they just need our presence.
“What’s wrong?” “How can I help?” These two questions and the willingness to listen well can make a huge difference in our relationship with our kids.
In this week’s episode of The Crystal Paine Show, Jesse and I share more about how to respond when our kids (or anyone in our life!) is frustrated. Plus, I share a crazy travel story from my recent trip, and we talk about books and reading.
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In This Episode
[00:34] – Welcome to another episode of The Crystal Paine Show.
[01:15] – What to do when your child is frustrated.
[02:00] – I have a travel “horror” story to share today.
[04:02] – While I was stuck in Charlotte for four hours, my phone was starting to run out of battery.
[07:46] – Word to the wise: if there is wet carpet in the airport don’t assume that it’s water spilled.
[08:41] – What I recently finished listening to.
[09:57] – A letter from a listener about Jesse’s advice on reading.
[12:05] – Are you making progress over who you were yesterday?
[12:35] – Jesse shares his book update.
[13:49] – How to help a child who is frustrated…
[16:02] – Ever been frustrated at someone for being frustrated (oh! the irony!)
[17:52] – Instead, stepping back and asking for God’s help
[19:13] – Question #1: “What is wrong?”
[21:23] – Question #2: “How can I help you?”
[22:39] – Question #3: “What can you do about it?”
[23:53] – Practice the art of asking questions versus telling someone how they should feel or respond.
Links & Resources
- Books
- The Masterpiece by Francine Rivers
- Other Links
- Love-Centered Parenting
- 10 Days to Be a Happier Mom
- Sign up for the Hot Deals Email List
- MoneySavingMom.com
- My Instagram account (I’d love for you to follow me there! I usually hop on at least a few times per day and share behind-the-scenes photos and videos, my grocery store hauls, funny stories, or just anything I’m pondering or would like your advice or feedback on!)
- Have feedback on the show or suggestions for future episodes or topics? Send me an email: crystal @ moneysavingmom.com
Charlotte W. says
Thank you for your wise counsel. Asking questions is a great way to let family members or anyone know that you care.
I try to get back to the Word of God with my kids. What God says about them or their situation far outweighs what anyone says to them or how someone acts towards them or what the circumstances try to make them feel.
I also tell them that feelings never tells you the truth. God’s Word does tell you the Truth for any situation.
Thanks for sharing!!
Crystal Paine says
I think it is so important to acknowledge their feelings… and to dig into where they are coming from. I’ve learned and grown and healed so much by doing this instead of just dismissing them.
Lisa Beighley says
What do you do when husband sides with moody teens or adult kids who spaz out when you ask them to repeat something they were explaining?? Or when he is frustrated when you ask to help with a simple household task?? -instead of helping just interrupts you and says ” does this have to be done right now???
Crystal Paine says
I think you can take a similar approach… love him, listen well, respond in kindness, recognize that he is likely struggling with things or feeling burdened or overwhelmed and there is deeper stuff going on here. Pray for him, do all you can to support and cheerlead him, and look for opportunities to have conversations about what he’s feeling and how you can help him.
I also would encourage you to examine your own heart and how you are guiding your teens or walking with your adult children. In a calmer moment, ask him if he could speak into what happened and share why it bothered him. You might have your eyes opened to some of your own blind spots. Be willing to humbly listen and receive what he shares. None of us are perfect and we all have a lot to learn and grow in!