Did you read Tuesday night’s post about How to Find Good Friends? If you missed it, be sure to read it and check out all the amazing comments on it. I learn so much and am so inspired by you all!
One question that people have asked me over and over again after reading that post is: How do you find time to be a friend?
The bottom line is this: I make time because it’s important.
I’m a much healthier, whole, balanced, and cheerful person when I take time to invest in friends. So I make it a priority.
Now, here’s the thing: you can run yourself ragged with social engagements and opportunities and saying “yes” to everyone and everything. That’s not what I’m advocating.
What I am encouraging is that you be intentional to develop a few good, deep, authentic relationships. These will take time and effort, but they will be so very worth it! In fact, I find that — even though I’m more of an introvert — I’m refreshed and encouraged by making friendship a priority.
We need to know that we’re not in this alone. Spending time with others who “get us” and can encourage and build us up will do wonders for our energy levels and motivation.
We need friends who will lift us up when we are down. Who will laugh with us, listen to us, pray with us, and cry with us. And it’s not only life-giving to have friends to do this for us, it’s also such a blessing to be able to do be this kind of friend for others, too!
One thing I did last year was to make a list of what I call my “inner circle” — these are people who incredibly life-giving, truth-telling, and who have gone the distance with me, people who clearly love me for exactly I am and are very committed to our friendship.
I have a lot of friends that I love to hang out with occasionally, but I only have capacity to “go deep” with small number of people. So writing down names on my Inner Circle list really helped me in being intentional in friendships and to solidify in my mind the people that I was committing to be ALL IN with.
By this, I mean people who I will drop everything for, people who I will go out of my way to spend time with, people who I try to spend time with in some way, shape, or form on a weekly basis if at all possible, people I will make every effort to make time to connect with… even if it means business stuff or laundry (or even sleep!) suffers as a result.
This might seem like it would take a lot of time and work — and it does! But here’s the thing: I’ve found that I have so much more energy and zest for life when I make time to connect with people at a deep level at least a few times per week.
This, in turn, fuels my encouragement and my productivity. Time with friends is worth the effort because it keeps me from feeling drained, tired, and discouraged! It’s kind of like a miracle drug, of sorts. On those days when I’m feeling down, calling a friend or spending an hour with a friend can give me just the boost I need to get back up and get going again.
Practical & Simple Ways to Foster Friendship
There will be times when you’ll need to drop everything in order to be there for a friend who is going through a traumatic time, but on a daily basis, maintaining great friendships doesn’t have to take hours and hours of time.
Here are some ideas of ways to foster friendship when you don’t have a lot of extra time:
Text Short Messages — I typically text at least 3-5 friends everyday to just let them know I’m thinking of them and praying for them. This doesn’t take a lot of time, but can mean a lot. Truthfully, I often do this while I’m on the treadmill or waiting in line. I figure I might as well use that time productively to bless someone else!
Invite Your Friend to Join You in Something You’re Already Doing — Headed to the park or the pool with your kids? Ask a friend or two to come join you. Your kids can get some great exercise and have fun while you have meaningful conversation.
Just a few days ago, a friend who lives in my neighborhood texted me to say she was headed to get some coffee and she wondered if she could bring me a coffee, too. I was actually headed to a nearby coffee shop to work for a few hours so I asked her if she wanted to bring her laptop and hang out and work with me. We both were about to get work done and we also got in some great conversation, too!
Write a Quick Email — I often will shoot a quick email to someone to just let them know they are on my heart or to ask how they are doing. Or, if I’ve just spent time praying for them, I’ll let them know that I just prayed for them and what I specifically prayed. This can literally take two minutes to do, but can mean a LOT.
Work on a Project Together — If you have a cleaning, organizing, or cooking project you’re working on, ask a friend to join you and help out. And then make sure to return the favor to them later. 🙂 This can make the time fly, creates fun memories, and will probably mean the project gets done more efficiently.
Talk on the Phone While Cleaning — If you and a friend both have a cleaning project to work on, call each other up and chat while you work on your projects. This doesn’t work for all types of projects, but can work well if you’re scrubbing a bathroom, picking up, sorting, or other similar projects.
Engage on Social Media — Okay, so I know that many people feel like there’s no depth on social media, but I disagree. I love to keep up with my close friends on social media — leaving comments and encouragement and letting them know I care about what goes on in their life. Plus, I’ve found that it’s a great way to be able to have a starting point for conversations when I see them in person — because I have a little peek into what has gone on in their life recently through their posts on social media.
Send a Handwritten Note — The opposite of social media, handwritten notes are almost a lost art. I encourage you to take a little time to write a handwritten note. Whether a thank you note, a birthday note, or even just a “thinking of you” note, getting mail can brighten someone’s day and let them know how much you care.
Really Listen — When you are with your friend, take time to really listen to them — even if you only have a few minutes. Looking in their eyes, asking good questions, and focusing completely on them communicates so much and can really mean the world to someone.
Ask Good Questions — In addition to listening, take time to ask questions. Real questions. Not the “how are you and how’s the weather” kind of questions. But the kind of questions that cause people to be real and honest with where they are at.
For instance, just recently, I was with a friend and I asked how they were doing. When they responded “okay”, I looked at them and said, “You’re not doing well, are you? What’s going on?” This let them know that I really cared and really wanted to know how they were and gave them permission to share a hard struggle they were going through.
Express Appreciation — You can never be too thankful. Tell people often how much you appreciate them and specific ways you appreciate them. Don’t take anyone for granted. Don’t wait to tell someone how they’ve impacted your life. You might not have the opportunity if you don’t take it today.
What advice and suggestions do you have for finding time to be a friend? What are your favorite simple ways to foster friendship?
Vivian@idlehomemaker says
Hi Crystal, your posts are Powerful. They have great Impacts on me. Thank you so much. Cheers.
Elise says
Whenever my best friend or I go on a trip, we purchase post cards and send them to each other. It’s been a great way to keep each other posted on what we’re doing (we live in different states) and we both get snail mail, which is fun!
Denise says
Thank you so much for these tips. My friendships as well as my external family relationships have really suffered since I started homeschooling three years ago. I have three boys and two are both special needs (12 year old reading far behind grade level) and it takes so much time and energy everyday. Saturdays have been my catch up day and Sunday I’m at church both morning and evening. This past year I just graduated a child and I was taking him to classes, looking for colleges, scholarships, etc. that was also time consuming. Over the summer I’m making an effort to reach out again and rekindle these relationships and maintain them with the suggestions you gave. God bless.
Kelly Jo Bloedel says
I know that you have a large extended family, as do I. How do you balance keeping in touch with your siblings and their families, in addition to friends. Do you consider extended family members to be in your “inner circle” or are these people you are not related to? I find that there is little time or energy left after trying to keep up with family – especially my husband’s extended family, who live nearby and is very social.
Thank you for your help as I navigate through this!
Crystal Paine says
My inner circle is made up of both people related to me and those who aren’t related to me. So the things mentioned above are things I do for both. Little things, done consistently, are often the best way to demonstrate love.
Cecily says
In order to make friends and be a friend, one has to be proactive in being a friend. That means to get together when it isn’t the “best” time, make dinners for friends in need, being available when a friend needs you. Most of those times, it means it’s inconvenient for you.
Friendship is inconvenient. It doesn’t always happen on our time frame. To cultivate friendships, we have to be available during the inconvenient times.
Heather says
yes, thank you for this!
Elise says
This post was just what I needed to hear today! My husband was getting together with a friend to do some things today and asked if I wanted to go along and grab the chance to visit with one of my dear friends. I told him that I had too much to do today, and then I saw this in my feed.
After quickly skimming through, I closed my laptop and got myself and the kids ready to go. We had such a great time and just got back. Thanks for getting me off my rear! 😉
Keelie Reason says
Thanks so much for posting this article. I agree completely about being intentional with a few people and not trying to overwhelm yourself with putting into many relationships. Thank you for giving all those great ideas on how to connect in our daily lives. My dearest friends in the world live very far away from me, and digital communication is the key to us staying in contact. You have reminded me that I must remember my friends that I’m “all in” with and invest in them more.
Staci says
I think the best advice I was given was find someone who wants friends (besides extended family and their own family). You can sense it sometimes. I go to a local MOPS group (www.mops.org) at our church. I think those moms are looking for friends. Compatibility is the key especially if you are a black and white thinker. It’s not a deal breaker but helps to have something to talk about off the bat. I agree some differences makes a friendship fun. I would go as far to say don’t expect your neighbors to be your friends. Good luck everyone. Don’t be come off too needy, smile, be real, be a good friend and I think it will be reciprocated!
Karen says
After reading the post a few days ago, I realized I was losing touch with my close friends. I called one who is busy, but she attends church near my home. She is coming to my house in the morning for bagels with cream cheese, mangoes, coffee, and juice. We’ll get to spend some face to face time. Also I’m going to ask my friends if they would like to go with me to a nearby pick your own blueberry farm. I’ve picked blueberries a couples of times in the past with a dear friend. We would pick from opposite sides of the same bush so we could converse while filling our buckets.
Lana says
We are empty nesters and have found that our grown children take a lot of our time. (Not complaining on that one.) The way we have found easiest to keep up with our ‘couple’ friends is to meet them for breakfast on Saturday mornings. Most of us eat breakfast out on Saturday mornings anyway so why not do it together?
Rachel Sherwin says
I want to thank you for this post. Our family recently moved and we are trying to maintain our cherished friendships back “home” while beginning new ones in our new surroundings. It’s harder than I ever could have imagined. Your post reminded me that I need to be more proactive in this effort. I needed to read this today!! Thank you!!
Tara G. says
Listen and just pay attention. People will talk about themselves and the stress points/likes/dislikes will come out; from there, a friend can take action. “Action” is showing someone love that’s in their best interest. It could be a, “let me pray for you before we hang up,” or I’ve even texted a prayer before. Maybe it’s a gentle reminder from Scripture to turn away from a poor choice. Or a “this reminded me of you” gift. The possibilities are endless; the fruit is priceless.
Nancy says
I only have one best friend, I’d do anything for her and she would do the same for me, it’s happened both ways before so I know it to be true.
I moved about 3 hours away from her last year, though I don’t see her as often, when I do we spend quality time doing normal things together that we miss doing, like going to the grocery store together.
Life does get busy, and sometimes our texts will be short and to the point “I miss you” but just those 3 little words are enough on those busy days/weeks.
Jennifer says
Having a few, close girlfriends is so, so important. I have recently been so blessed to realize just how GREAT my closest two friends really are. I had knee surgery 5 weeks ago and these to friends made our family meals, were my emergency last-minute my-kids-need-picked-up-from-school friends, they folded laundry, did dishes, cleaned my kitchen – anything. I was healing really well and then three days ago had a fall and tore open my internal scar tissue and I’m now grounded on the couch with no driving again.
As my hubby (he was my emergency “get me to the hospital” person) drove me home from the doctor I started to call one of my friends and my husband was like “why are you call Alisha” and I said “to see if she’s available this afternoon to come over and help me fold and put away the 6 loads of laundry I was supposed to do today”. He was so embarrassed that I’d ask her to do that; and five minutes later my friend, Gemma, called and one of the questions she asked was “so, what do you need me to do for you today? Kitchen clean up? Laundry?” They just GET me!
The three of us have recently discovered the art of ironing and visiting at the same time. Seriously – two of us load all our ironing, our board and iron into the car, meet one one person’s house and spend an hour or two ironing, chatting and having a coffee together. It makes the time go so much more quickly, is so much better than watching stupid TV whilst you iron and we feel like we’ve had a good catch up with friends and aren’t missing out on that time.
sarah @ little bus on the prairie says
I LOVE the idea of doing chores together! I will have to some how implement this.
Alicia says
I would love to have feedback from other women about those friends who you get along great with…but they don’t reciprocate. They’re happy to do things, but I have to bring it up and suggest getting together. Do you simply accept that you’re the one who has to do most of the work of the relationship…or do you try to figure out whether it’s one worth having? I have one friend in town who is awesome at reciprocating…and the rest, I have to do the work. I am a pastor’s wife so I crave some close friendships that aren’t in the congregation, and these other women (fellow moms of little kids) are busy like me…and they seem settled on the friends they have. Any input??
Ann says
I often feel like I put so much more work into it than others. Like I’m a friend of convenience only. I’m good enough to run kids/pick them up but when it comes with adult fun stuff, not asked. I probably need to find different friends but my town is so small and it’s hard to make friends as an adult. Most of my friends are parents of my child’s classmates.
Aubrey says
Ann, I feel like I could have written your post! I, too, feel like I’m more a friend of convenience than an authentic friend to almost all of my “friends” where I currently live. I only have one child and most of them have more than that, so I feel like I’m the first one they call to watch their children or pick them up from school. But I NEVER (and I really mean, NEVER) get included in their adults-only, fun, social get-togethers. Since my son is an only child and loves spending time with these kids, I almost always say yes to helping them out. But just once I’d like to be more than a free babysitter to them. I also feel like I need to probably find new friends, but live in a small town, don’t work outside of the home so don’t have that way to meet people, and none of the women at the church we attend seem to be interested in having more than a passing friendship. I am so thankful for wonderful friends from other places, but having one close by (in the same time-zone!) would sure be nice!
Lana says
We have some couple friends like that. I have learned to just let them go after awhile of them never taking the initiative and after a bit they will realize that if they don’t be proactive in the relationship that they will not see us. They also know that it means they need to have us over to their home if they want to be invited to ours. It may seem unkind but some people just have to be managed that way and as I have gotten older I feel like if someone wants to my friend then they need to meet me somewhat halfway.
My daughter is a pastor’s wife and she feels the same way you do about needing friendships outside of the church. Often times I think I fill that void with her because just be herself and not ‘the pastor’s wife’. Hugs to you as I know what you are going through as I hear it from her.
sarah @ little bus on the prairie says
I recently read a tip in how to get past the usual “how are you?” “Oh, I’m ok” aspect of conversation with those you want to get to know better or show that you’re actually interested, and that’s to start conversations with the words “tell me…” as in, “so, tell me how your week has been.”
I thought that was pretty genius and fully intend to start framing my questions with friends that way.
Jolene says
I love that idea! I also read somewhere that asking people “How are you?” is not always the best. Sometimes when someone is really struggling, they don’t want to tell you all the sad details but would really love to hear “It’s so nice to see you.”
I need to work on being more genuine with people. I don’t mean to be “fakey” but I am not very good at making conversation with people who I don’t know really well. There is much I can improve on!
Erin says
Beautiful articles. I loved both of them. #3 on the last one was an eye opener. I have a friend that I love to hang out with but in the last year I’ve made time for her a couple of times and traveled for a while to see her and it’s never been reciprocated. I think it may be time to “cultivate” other friendships. Hard.
I too have a difficult time with other people, but I have taken your advice the last few weeks and reached out to a couple of ladies that I think I could be friends with.
Thank you so much.
Joy says
This post was wonderful! I was encouraged by the different ideas of HOW I can build my friendships. Off now to give my friend a call! Thanks.
Kim @ Kim Gets Fit says
I only have a few close friends too, but they mean the world to me. I recently took your advice and simplified my priorities. I make time to eat well and exercise daily, I spend time with my family, and I carve out time to spend with a few good friends. I feel no guilt over the things I say no to, because I know those things would pull me away from my priorities!
brandi says
We moved out of state and left many friends behind. It has really made me focus on who our great friends were and who the ones that just hung out in the same groups, but I don’t have a lasting commitment to. I try to call my closest friends (2-3) to chat every week or so, but I’m really bad about it. Life gets busy and I forget. I’m in a place right now where I am seeking quality friendships and am frustrated at how it is working (or isn’t working). So hard to get to know people! I feel like I’ve tried work relationships and church relationships (not a mom) but people just aren’t committed 🙁
Lynnie says
Brandi,
I so know what you mean, same thing for me here in MI.
Hugs to you,
Lynnie
Kate @thebeautifulusefulproject.com says
I tend to leave long voice mail messages for my friends, and they do the same for me. We are in different time zones now, and it’s nice to hear their voices, if only for a little bit. We have toddlers, so it’s hard to talk on the phone all of the time – the little ones love to grab ahold of the cell phones! 🙂