There’s a reason I don’t have a parenting blog. And there’s a reason I don’t give out parenting advice.
Why? Because most days, I feel like I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.
I see these moms who have all these specific systems and philosophies for their parenting and I wonder what’s wrong with me. I’m over here on my knees praying I don’t mess up my kids too badly.
I love my children beyond what words can express. But some days? I don’t do a very good job of showing that love.
Take last night, for instance. We’d had this wonderful weekend trip to Oklahoma City. We’d unplugged, laughed together, had great discussions, enjoyed fun experiences, and made beautiful memories.
And then we came home and, in the process of cleaning out the car, my patience disappeared. I got frustrated at the messes made and said words I regret to my family members.
My kids went to bed feeling hurt and I started to go to bed feeling like a failure. Why did I have to ruin a perfect weekend? Why can’t I be more patient? Why do I get so frustrated sometimes?
The thoughts started swirling around my brain and I began to beat myself up over failing, yet again.
But then I realized: the night’s not over with yet. I couldn’t take back the words I’d said or the attitude I’d had, but I could ask my family to forgive me.
So I went into my children’s room and sat by their beds. I confessed that I’d been wrong and asked their forgiveness for getting frustrated and saying words to them that I shouldn’t have said. They readily forgave me and expressed their love for me.
I walked out of their room feeling ten times lighter! Yes, I’d messed up. Yes, I’d made a mistake. But my kids still love me — in spite of my many imperfections.
I might not have any amazing parenting advice to dole out, but one thing I’ve learned through making many mistakes is this: being willing to ask forgiveness and admit when you are wrong is hard, but it’s one of the best things you can do for any relationship.
Read this post from Ann Voskamp on Why Your Kids Don’t Need a SuperMama.
Bet says
Thanks for this! Asking forgiveness brings restoration. It is also encouaging to me that they know I don’t think I’m right when I act/ speak out of anger, impatienc, etc. They can hopefully learn from my mistakes and be pointed to God’s Word, so they can see the One who is truly unselfish, loving and holy all the time. I often feel like I’m failing, but God’s Word gives hope.
Jordan says
You’re so welcome! -Jordan, MSM Team
Angie says
Thank you for sharing this and for everyone else’s comments as well. I find when I snap at my kids all I can do is think to myself, “you sound just like Dad, you are doing to them what you hate about Dad.” But I have started going in and saying I am sorry which my dad never did nor does now. This has helped me to see I am not like my dad! Apologizing later and admitting the mistake is very beneficial on so many levels. We are not perfect and that’s okay!
Kristen says
I appreciate your honesty here. I struggle with patience and sometimes feel that “mom martyrdom.” You are so right….asking forgiveness of our children demonstrates our own humanness and need for God. And I think it is a very good habit to get in when they are little, so it is natural and normal as the issues and arguments grow bigger and more complex. Thanks for sharing, Crystal!
Kristin S says
I know this feeling so well! My hubby is a pastor, and we have lots of young couples that come to us for advice because we have 5 daughters, and I always tell them we really have no clue what we are doing! But when I read your post, I did want to share with you a great book I’m reading on just what you are talking about. It is called “Christ in the Chaos” by Kimm Crandall. Such a good book for all of us mamas who go from the awesome great family time to the “did I really just say that to my kids” moments!
http://www.amazon.com/Christ-Chaos-Gospel-Changes-Motherhood/dp/1936760703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392866764&sr=8-1&keywords=Christ+in+the+Chaos
Judith says
Thank you for sharing!! I always say stupid things!! I always make mistakes that I regret!!
Judith says
But I try to learn from my mistakes and my kids are very loving and forgiving!!
Kristin S says
Sounds like you are a great mom! One who admits her mistakes and doesn’t strive for perfection (an unattainable goal).
I have some friends who spoke at marriage conferences for years and years and were often asked to speak at parenting conferences. They have four great kids. Their response was, “We are in no place to give parenting advice when our kids are still in the home. Once we can look back, we can then advise.” While I would have loved to gleen from them, I appreciated their forward-thinking wisdom.
Dineen says
I cannot begin to tell you how many nights have ended with my apologizing to my daughter for losing my cool and yelling. I also tell her that bedtime is hard for me because I am tired (or dinner time because I am hungry) at the end of the day and to help me out by being more cooperative and ask if can we start over. Then I demonstrate a better attitude and better actions/behaviors I get a better attitude and behavior in turn.
We may not always be great at modeling the best behavior all the time, but we can model what to do after. Apologize, ask forgiveness and start over. “Love keeps no record of wrongs,” I was just teaching my daughter as she lingered long a recent incident of her own anger.
Roxanne says
I love what you wrote, especially the last paragraph. Beautiful and real. <3
Lattrenda says
Thanks for this post. It hit home with me. I certainly agree that I am not a perfect parent either, so I make mistakes. However, I am humble enough to admit my mistakes and my children are ready to forgive. As a result, they think I am a better mom that I do so I feel very blessed.
Debbie says
This example is exactly why you need to start a parenting blog. You are real. You speak the truth. Parents fail, miserably. We make mistakes. We have regrets. So did our parents. We need a blog that speaks truth about what a parent does, and goes through on a daily basis. I think it damages parents, especially moms, to see these cookie cutter approaches to parenting, where everything is rosy. No one has that! If they say they do, they are not being truthful, in my opinion. We are human. We make mistakes. God is there to help us and guide us through them. Thank you for the truthful story on parenting. It speaks to me much more than the “rosy” stories!
Jamie Rohrbaugh says
Great stuff, Crystal. Thanks for always being so transparent. You’re an encouragement to all of us.
Amber says
Oh this brought tears to my eyes. There is something that really works about asking kids to forgive (I hear)! My first is 15 months, and I feel like I’m on the verge of the hardest season of setting her character up for the rest of her life. Thank you for this encouragement!
Morgan says
Crystal, you’re doing great! My mom NEVER would have apologized, admitted fault, OR talked about it, and everyone would have been walking on eggshells for days while she gave us the silent treatment. That’s bad parenting in my book, while what you’re doing shows respect for your children and their feelings. It’s great to be aware of our shortcomings, and greater to admit our mistakes and try to correct them. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Take care!
marjanna says
This is something I struggle with several yes a day. I have three children and my oldest is three. I am a SAHM right now but that has only been for a year. I am also a part time student working on my bachelors degree in nursing. I don’t usually ask my kids for forgiveness but it seems I need to start
Not just for myself but for them. I just get so frustrated, usually because they do not listen. I am out of ideas on how to get them to listen and stop fighting and it just fruatrates e and I start yelling and saying and doing things I should not do. Please pray for me to have a softer heart and more patience for my children.
Kathy D says
And that’s why you SHOULD have a parenting blog! This is the transparency and pointing back to grace that we so desperately need to hear. There is only 1 perfect parent.
I do miss Moms of Littles, though 😉
Jennifer says
Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Crystal Paine says
It’s been so good to cut back and just have one blog… I was crazy to have multiple blogs! Ask me in another 25 years from now and maybe I’ll have some parenting advice to share! For now, I’m so happy to just be blogging here. 🙂
Roxanne says
Great minds think alike! I immediately thought, “What about Moms of Littles?” I thought maybe this was a guest post because I was sure Crystal did have a parenting blog.
I did a google search and couldn’t find it, so I realized she probably shut it down long ago and I didn’t notice. I guess I’m behind :-Q
Crystal Paine says
I shut that blog down and the other blog I also used to almost 4 years ago… and I don’t regret it one bit. That blog was more about being a mom of littles rather than how-to-parent advice, but as I’ve written about here in the past, I highly regret many of the things I said (and the way I said them) in the early years of my blogging: https://moneysavingmom.com/2013/10/less-judgment-more-acceptance.html The longer I live, the more I realize that the less I know!
Thank you for joining me on the journey of blogging… and for the grace you all have extended as I learn and grow in the process!
Sumitha says
Honestly, in my books you DO have a parenting blog… I’ve learnt more about parenting from MSM than anywhere else! At first, I started reading MSM for diaper deals. Later, when my daughter was no longer in diapers, I hung around (with the “light feed”) because a lot of what I read on your blog inspires me to become a better parent. And that in my books is a good parenting blog. It’s not about providing specific strategies and philosophies… its about simply providing the nudge to accept our limitations, and strive to be best parents we can be in spite of them — something I get all the time from reading your posts here on MSM! At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what this blog is called — I am just grateful for what you do, and in the process challenging me to give my best to what I do. Thanks.
Crystal Paine says
Aw, thank you so very much for your sweet encouragement! This comment blessed me so much!
Jamie Whittaker says
Thank you! This happens to all of us yet we are afraid to admit it. Mom’s are human too.
Linda says
Thanks for this post! Perfect timing!! We’ve had a rough start to this year and I have been stressed & frustrated, losing my patience & temper too quickly and too often. Thank you for helping me to realize that I am not a failure, but a lesson in emotion and forgiveness, and loving unconditionally.
Rebecca says
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. It’s so tempting to think that every other mom has it all together except me.
SandyH says
Sometimes it’s just hard to be a human, isn’t it?
Marci says
Thank you for posting this!
kim says
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has felt this way! I put my daughter to bed an hour ago and this exact scenario had happened. It was fate for me to read this blog tonight. Thank you for posting this.
Tracers says
Thanks for posting this. This week I been feeling blah. I have 5 kids, a blog and feel like balancing it is so hard sometimes. There are days my house isnt as clean or organized as I want it and I get so overwhelmed and lose my patience too. Thanks for reminding me that is ok and the kids will forgive us and that God will help us.
Kathryn Alexander says
It is sooo refreshing to see another mom admit something like this. I promise you I have done the exact same thing!! I even read your post to my daughter and said “see, its not just me that does this”. Honestly, I have admired the picture of you on your blog and thought “wow, she looks like a woman who really has it together.” So.. I can go to bed feeling lighter tonight, knowing that I am not the only mom that has met that moment of frustration and acted in ways I wish I could take away forever. Thanks for your honesty!
Pam @ ANewOrganizedMe says
Even the parents that seem to have it all together mess up from time to time. It’s great that you were able to admit to your kids that you made a mistake. I’m sure your kids will remember that and it will teach them to not be afraid of admitting mistakes themselves. You’re a great mom!
Stephanie says
I failed big time just this afternoon. I felt like such a failure as a mom. Trying to be this picture of a mom who probably doesn’t even exist. . . always sitting quietly with my children, never raising my voice, (yes, I do homeschool the 6 still left at home), having this peace that just oozes out of every corner of my life. This is a woman I strive to be but in reality is not attainable, not perfectly anyway. So grateful tonight for God’s forgiveness, and my son’s, and that I can start anew tomorrow.
Angie says
I can so relate to screwing up a perfectly good memory-filled event by blowing up about something. Thank goodness you realized you were not only hurt but hurting them and apologized. Sometimes I just feel sorry for myself that I had to do everything, or whatever… Lord, help me to see my impact on others and do what I can to make it all good.
shannon says
Kids just amaze me. Yesterday I got very, very upset with my kids and sent them all to their room (they all share a room). I was mad, ranting and raving in my head while they were behind closed door. Within 2 minutes, they had forgotten all about everything and were laughing and playing. Yet, I was still stewing. I wish I had the forgetfulness that kids do……
Peggy says
Crystal, What a courageous and beautiful post, the link was so encouraging as well. Thank you for sharing.
Jennifer says
Thanks for this, Crystal! I guess I have always assumed that since you seem to have everything else in your life together and you homeschool your kids (which I’m absolutely positive I would never have the patience for) you also are a perfect mom. I, myself, have spent most of the last ten years feeling like a daily failure for losing my patience yet again. It helps to hear that others – even you! – struggle with this.
Crystal Paine says
Everything else in my life together?!? You should come drop by unannounced sometime. 🙂 I’m SO far from perfect! I have a few areas I excel in and a whole LOT of areas that I struggle in!
Natalie Myhre says
Very inspiring quote all mother’s can live by…”The greatest thing she learned is there’s no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.” Sentiment quote on a line of jewelry at http://www.lennyandeva.com/index2.php#!/Home. Download the catalog, go to page 21, last one on the page…
Sharla says
I always appreciate your honesty and openness. From another momma who regularly messes up, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one! The important thing though is that messing up gives us the opportunity to model humility and making amends and it gives us the chance to talk with our kids about our humanness and how much we need God.
I had a moment like this on Sunday…one I am not proud of in the least. It was my turn to bring snack to church and we were running late as usual. I had my chocolate zucchini cake in the oven and ran upstairs to brush my teeth and one of my daughters heard the timer beep and thought she would be sweet and take it out of the oven for me…except that she dropped it and it shattered on the floor. I came downstairs and yelled, not at her, but something to the effect of “what am I going to do now?!” while she sat crying on the floor. I yelled about cake instead of comforting my sweet girl who had just been trying to help. The irony that I was not being very Christ-like about being hung up on looking bad at church about snack instead of worrying about what was going on behind closed doors in my own home was not lost on me. I have apologized and she has forgiven me but yuck – the state of my heart sometimes is not something I’m proud of.
Amanda says
Sharla,
This is probably a strange thing to write, but your post brought tears to my eyes, and a comfort to my heart. I so desire change in my mothering attitudes, and especially struggle with the “what everyone else thinks” line of thought to the detriment of my five children’s tender hearts. Your illustration was very similar to some in my home where I’ve screamed at a child instead of comforting, or giving them the very grace I desire from God myself. I am actively working to change “the state of my heart” as you so aptly put it, and the progress is there, just slow. It is easy to believe I am the only mom who screamed at her kid right before church because I wouldn’t “look good.” Sigh. It’s imperfect progress, but my children so humbly and incredibly forgive and love me through this journey. YOur words were a boost to a weary soul this afternoon. Thank you.
Lisa says
Thank you for posting this. I could have written it, as I constantly feel the same way. It’s nice to know your not alone and to read others great advice.
Katie says
I needed this right now. It’s good to know that people who you see as having it all together, have days when they struggle too. Same thing happened to me today and I went into my son’s room and apologized right away.
Susan L. @ Full Happy Muffin and Mama says
I am constantly questioning myself in my raising of my son. And constantly (it seems) losing patience with him and then regretting it later. I like how you are always honest and real (and how you don’t make me feel alone in the being unsure about parenting thing).
Chris says
When my oldest was about 7-8 years old, I had a conversation with him about how I don’t know everything and make a LOT of mistakes. He gently let me off the hook… he told me he “knew that” and had “figured that out a long time ago”. 🙂
Diane says
That is so cute and so funny!
Amy says
I really needed this today. Yesterday I was having a worst mom day. Thank you for being so real and giving us the good and the bad. It is great when you know that you are not alone in everything that comes with parenting and being a super mom is making mistakes and then making it right. Your kids are learning a great lesson about how important it is to ask forgiveness and how to forgive.
Diane says
Hang in there, ladies! My “kids” are now 22 and 25, and I can think of several times as a sometimes overwhelmed single mom when I made mistakes and had to apologize to my children.
By the grace of God, they are now happy, healthy, productive, and compassionate adults, and I feel so enormously blessed to have the opportunity to be their mom.
Sarah @ Little Bus on the Prairie says
One of the things we were discussing at my moms group last night was the idea of letting our children see us fail (in any and all areas) and then actually apologize for our mistakes and admit our weakness and need for a savior. It’s something that I definitely need to improve at doing.
Mindy Massey says
Thank you for your honesty. The one thing I have learned over the past year is that Heavenly Father loves each of us and needs us to ask him for help. Just remember, we are not here because we are perfect we are here because we are striving to be better and overcome obstacles. You are a great woman. And your children see it in you.
Jessica@ramblingsofamommy says
It sounds like you’re a great mama! You are right, though, one of the most important things we can do is ask for forgiveness from our children. Thanks for the reminder! 🙂
Nicole says
Thank you for sharing, I needed this today! I have a mommy blog that I don’t post on for this exact reason, lol!
cwaltz says
Parenting is a tough job! Kids don’t come with instruction manuals(I’m totally talking to God about that one when I get home) and because each of them is different, what works for one doesn’t work for others.
One of the first things I did when my kids got old enough was tried to explain to them(each separately) that I was human and that I wasn’t perfect and that when they got older there would be times they’d look back and maybe wish I’d done something differently or been different. They’d maybe question my choices for them. I asked them when that time came to judge me gently because as a parent I’ve always only wanted the best for them.
So far so good, none of them appear to dislike me for more than the prerequisite day or two(for requiring to do chores or not allowing them to do things that I think might put them in situations they aren’t ready to handle.)
K says
This post is so timely.
Becky says
I feel like the comments when it comes to mommy/parenting blogs and even diy blogs can get so nasty and ridiculous. I understand people open themselves up to criticism with a public blog but every family/home is different and what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for others. Its just advice and you don’t have to take it to heart or even read the blog. I’ve even seen a change in writing styles over the last few years from mommy bloggers and diy bloggers. They write in a style that anticipates the critical comments. Its sad really. I’m sure those casting stones must have a “perfect life” thus allowing them the free time to sit and judge others.
Kelly C. says
Awesome post Crystal, love these : ) We are all doing the best we can and thankfully our children can learn about forgiveness and God’s grace through us in these types of situations.
Amy Clark Scheren @ Gospel Homemaking says
I’ve been a mom for eighteen years, and I can’t count how many times I’ve lost my patience and had to apologize to my children. I find that sometimes I’m so frustrated that I don’t even feel sorry right away. Sometimes I actually feel justified for my wrong actions. But as I start praying for my children to repent of their wrongdoing, God always works on my heart first. Without fail, He takes my heart of stone (selfish, impatient, self-righteous stone) and gives me a heart of flesh, and my own repentance happens as I remember how much I’ve been forgiven. I can only hope and pray that my kids will learn from my mistakes and will be quick to apologize to their own spouse and children one day!
Pat Cobb says
Actually you are a “Supermom” because you are on your knees seeking God’s guidance. I recently started a parenting blog, but my children are 22 and 26. My advice comes from the things I wish I would have done and not what I did (with the exception of praying until your knees hurt). Hind sight is always 20/20. Blessings to you as you “train up your children in the way they should go” and remember the second (most important) part of the verse and when they are old they will not depart.
Kim says
Saying you’re sorry is also a great model to show them for the future. And it does make you feel SO much better…speaking from experience.
Wendy, A Day in the Life on the Farm says
Good for you Crystal. My babies are 40, 37, 34 and 29. They all grew up despite all my mistakes and have made me very proud. I only give out one piece of advice to other mothers. Relax and enjoy….They will be gone in the blink of an eye.
Michelle says
It brought tears to my eyes when you said you went to ask for forgiveness from your little ones. I have many, many times find myself doing the same thing. You are setting a great example that even when mom sins it’s still not ok. I think some times parents think that its their right to tell their children that they have annoyed them, when really their care has been Entrusted to us. I just finished the book Beyond Bath Time. There is a chapter in the book that talks about your children knowing if they are a burden or a blessing. It really struck me that when I am putting my kids to bed especially do I see them as a blessing. Because really after along day I want to rush through it so I can have a moment to myself. I have been trying to start the bedtime routine earlier so that I don’t get annoyed or stressed that it’s taking too long. And enjoying them more, because they are a great Joy and Blessing!
Lauren says
Thank-you so much for sharing this. There have been so many times that I’ve said things in the moment that I’ve needed to apologize to my kids for. I’m thankful to know that I’m not the only one! I truly need the Lord everyday to help me.
Katie @ Preschool Inspirations says
I love the honesty in this, Crystal!! So many times I feel that people think that the great photographs that bloggers post are manifesting how life is all the time. It’s definitely not!!!! Your posts are so encouraging, and thank you for being transparent and real. Even as a 12 year teacher, I feel that motherhood is very challenging and there are many times I am not quite sure what the best answer is. All we can do is seek the Holy Spirit to guide us and love our children as best as we can!
Rachael @ Mommy LCSW says
I do have a parenting blog, and that, my friend, pretty much sums up what I try to teach there. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be willing to admit it, ask forgiveness when needed, and pray that a God will help you do better next time. The End.
Kristie says
That’s how I feel too. I often share things I’ve learned in parenting on my blog–not because I’m perfect, but because my mistakes and lessons can help other young moms. We all are so in need of grace and forgiveness.
Marie says
I felt the very same way yesterday. My anger at my daughter got the best of me. I said and did things I regret. But in the midst of it I was able to break away and think. And then I took my daughter to my bedroom to talk. (For some reason mommy’s bed seems like a treat to the kids lately) So we snuggled into the comforter and I pulled out my Bible and begain to share Eph. 4:29-32 and Prov. 15:1-7. She’s only 6 1/2. I shared how Mommy didn’t do a good job modeling those verses and where we need to change. I also realized I had emptyed her bucket so I began feeling it up with all the things I love about her. And asked forgiveness.
Later that evening after she had been in bed for awhile I snuck in her room to watch her sleep and pray over her. Since she’s a very light sleeper she woke up, looked at me, and said I love you, and went back to sleep!
This parent thing is hard. I sometimes forget that I am setting the example. My husband encourages me and assures me the children know I love them even when i mess up. The one thing i do is ask for their forgiveness (something my mom never did and still doesn’t) As moms we’re hard on ourselves but we need to give ourselves a break. God still loves us.
another good book for you Crystal is Lysa Terkeust’s The Bathtub is overflowing but I feel drained. I know Abebooks.com had it for $1 and less then $2 shipping.
Blessings to you. And despite crazy mom moments you are a terrific Mom and your kids know it in their hearts!!!
Kate Craig says
beautiful
April L says
I am always humbled by how quickly and easily my 2 year old forgives me when I have lost my patience with her. Crystal, one thing that has encouraged me as I’ve struggled with this is knowing that my children are seeing me make mistakes, but they’re also seeing me humble myself and try to make them right. Not that I am always good at it. But the 2 year old is already learning from this, and often apologizes when she’s wrong without being prompted. Seems I have a thing or two to learn from her!
Julie @ Logger's Wife says
I couldn’t agree more. My daughter won’t be 2 until next month but there are weeks where I feel like I’m asking her forgiveness for losing it multiple times. But a couple days ago, I forget what she did, but she said “sowry” and meant it without any prompting. She is learning how to apologize when she does something wrong from watching me do it, both with her and my husband. And learning that her daddy and I make a lot of mistakes too and it’s okay. Mistakes happen.
Stephanie @ Mrs. Debtfighter says
Thanks for being honest!! When I get impatient it is usually with my older son. 🙁 I had that kind of day yesterday, too! After stewing on my actions last night, I couldn’t wait for him to wake up this morning so I could apologize. Kiddos definitely set a good example in being quick to forgive!!! 🙂
Denise H says
Thank you for always being so read on here! I love that you went back in and apologized to the kids. 🙂 Thank you for such a great blog!
Rebecca says
A great book on this subject is Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa Terkeurst. It’s about controlling your emotions from a Biblical perspective.
JoAnna says
That book was amazing!!! LOved it. 🙂
Debi says
I can totally relate! Thank you for sharing.
Trisha says
Love your authenticity and your heart. Amazing post!!
Denise says
Parenting is tough but thankfully, His grace is sufficient! You’re doing a great job, Crystal!
lori says
Thanks for keeping it real, Crystal. This is one of the many reasons I love your site.
Deanna says
Such great advice! Most days I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and just hope I’m parenting my kids in the right way and feel like they are being used for a parenting experiment. 🙂 Too often I have to tell my daughter I’m sorry for getting upset. Parenting is as much a growing time for us as for them, I think!
Tara says
Such great advice!!
Katie says
I have felt like this too lately. Thank you for posting this! Helps to know we aren’t alone but asking for forgiveness is one of the best things we can do!