A few days ago, one of my children had a melt down over something another child had accidentally done. It wasn’t pretty (are melt downs ever, though??!) and they lost a significant privilege as a result.
As we were discussing the situation, this child blurted out, “But it isn’t fair, because so-and-so did ____ to me!” I reminded this child that what the other child did was an accident and even if it had been done purposefully, the melt down wasn’t warranted.
We went on to talk about how we often can’t choose our circumstances. Life happens, people hurt us, friends disappoint us, we struggle, we get knocked down, and things don’t always go our way.
But no matter how difficult or frustrating our circumstances, we can always choose our response to our circumstances. We can choose to be upset, angry, stressed, and frustrated. Or we can choose to be calm, courageous, and kind.
Our response is always our own choice.
We had a good talk about this and I was feeling fairly good about how things turned out. And then I blew it.
You see, Jesse had done something that was hurtful to me. He didn’t mean to hurt me, but instead of talking through it with him to understand his point of view, I got upset. And I lashed out at him with my words — in front of our kids.
Pretty soon, everyone was frustrated. And in the middle of it, my own words came back to eat at me: “You can’t always choose your circumstances, but you can always choose your response.”
Argh! That stopped me right in my tracks.
How could I expect my kids to have a right response, when clearly I’m not setting an example of a right response in front of them? The realization cut me to the core.
I had to go in my room and cool down for a bit, but then I came out and asked each member of my family to forgive me. It was humbling to have to confess to my children that I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching.
I was so sad to have upset them and hurt my husband with my frustrated words. But in the end, I think we all learned a powerful lesson: It might feel justified to respond by lashing out at someone, but it never solves any problems — it only magnifies them and does more damage.
It’s always worth it to choose to have a right response.
Amanda says
It takes guts to apologize to your children but I think it makes all the difference; good for you! And I think it’s huge they see you work it out with your husband, I believe that helps them learn relational skills. 🙂 and we’ve all messed up, it’s scary to share our failures so once again, great job!
I had a similar experience I shared on my blog:
http://www.busyhappyloved.com/why-i-let-my-kids-put-me-on-time-out/
Kelly says
Well with Mother’s Day coming up a sense of defeat & failed attempts at being a “good” mom is HARD… I feel like I’m constantly failing… I LOVE my children soooo much sometimes it’s hard to let them go & do things in their own… This world is just a HARD mean place & I want to protect them all the time…. & im suppose to let them fall… Get hurt…feel that rejection & Lord that is an extreme hard concept for me to grasp & folow thru on.
But as it’s been pointed out to me they need to “get this” so they can be on their own… That my over protectiveness is making things worse not better..
How awesome is that for a mother of year award?
Tyra says
Thanks so much for this story! Just today I reacted to an already bad situation with an even more undesirable response. I lost it! Wow i am so thankful for the grace of God. Now i must make amends for my harsh words. This didn’t involve any children but i am the only Christian example my husband has and OH HOW I BLEW IT! The good Lord sent me this story today. Thank you!
Monica says
Thank you for this post! I feel like I blow it often, but we are human and not perfect. I know, that’s not an excuse for blurting out what comes out of anger or frustration. I think we (mom’s) have to remember to give ourselves grace dialy.
Ashley says
Tears… What a truly awful feeling when I hurt my loved ones and especially when I let my little one down. Thanks for the honesty and reminder to practice what I teach.
Candice says
I often do this as my anger always seems to boil so fast over minute things or misunderstandings. What I always realize, is that the person on the other end is usually willing to help or put effort towards finding a solution. I need to constantly remember to have patience, but mostly with myself. Listening and counting to 10 before I respond usually helps; I just hope I can remember to do this more often!
Lilly says
Something that has made a difference for me (and that’s light years away from the way I was raised) is that emotions shouldn’t be manipulated/squashed. Emotions simply are, and the more we accept them, the quicker they go away, and open the space for a solution. Behavior, on the other hand, can and should be controlled. So, even though as a parent you may not agree that the meltdown was warranted, the situation was hurtful to your child. You can empathize with the hurting, while saying “Even though it hurt your feelings, hitting/lashing out/yelling is not the way. Perhaps you would like to tell the other child that you did not appreciate what their did.” It has been really hard to apply this consistently, because my instinct is to minimize, but it makes a huge difference in feeling heard and understood, and most of all, to give kids the tools to be emotionally authentic.
Jessica says
I completely agree with you.
Lana says
One of the most stressful events in life is a big move like you are going through this week. It will be stressful for the entire family. At times like that I have found it helpful to just go ahead and talk to the children and tell them that you may be short with them from time to time and that even if you are that you still love them same. We have also found that just agreeing as a family that we are all stressed out and that we may have some moments that they just do not shape who we are as a family and we need to just try to let them go and forget about them even if we do not get an apology. It seems to help to have everyone working as a team and putting it out there that things may go wrong really helps us. This is even more helpful now that all of our children are adults because things WILL go wrong when 11 adults are together. Hugs and hang in there! Praying for you!
Carole says
Having just been through a move myself, I know how stressful that is. That probably contributed to the tension that you and your husband both may have felt.
Kamjosky says
Emotion is such a complicated feeling at times, and emotional maturity is always a work in progress. It’s important to remember we’re only human, and there will be times when our emotions get out of hand. It happens to parents and kids, and it isn’t a rare occurrence. Just look around on TV or the news, or out in public and you’ll find plenty of examples. It is just as commendable to look back on your behavior and mend fences, as it is to handle it well in the first place. A parent’s apology is a powerful tool. Children hear this and feel safe expressing themselves, good or bad. They realize that consequences are about how their actions affect others and themselves. It teaches them how to resolve their emotions and move on. For my children’s emotional outbursts only one thing worked, and it wasn’t punishment, scolding or loss of privileges. It was lessons in self forgiveness, an emphasis on empathy and guided discussion that broke through creating the caring and strong teens I have today.
Elizabeth says
I resonated with Ashley’s quote above, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.” I also think that when what “happens” is a bad response from me, then I can still respond to my own bad initial action in a good way. Apologies are hard, accepting grace and forgiving ourselves is hard, but we all need to learn how to make amends after we mess up. My mom did an amazing job with this when I was a kid (I still remember being mortified when she would come to my room and apologize to me for losing her temper, but those memories have stuck with me for 20+ years), and I hope to have half her grace and wisdom if I have children of my own in the future.
Jamie Rohrbaugh says
PREACH! Awesome word. I do this way too often and then have to go back and apologize. I joke wryly sometimes that if apologizing were a spiritual gift, I’d have that one. 🙁 You are not alone!!
Ashley P says
One of my life quotes is, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.”
I had a meltdown of my own once in front of my friend’s son. It was ESPECIALLY harsh because he’s a teenager and a new Christian. During a moment of chaos (my house was full of people for a gathering, my baby was crying, and I had just been stung by a bee on my foot), I muttered something under my breath that he overheard. He actually said, “What’s the point of being a Christian if you’re gonna act like that?”
I apologized, but it still bothers me. What kind of witness am I being if I lose my cool and say bad things? It forced me to re-evaluate my patience level (or serious lack thereof!) and start working on it. I’m not perfect. But I’m taking baby steps to progress.
Jill F. says
I think it’s good for our kids to see that we are human and make mistakes just like they do. But it is equally important to realize our mistake and apologize which you did. Although we all strive for perfection, it is difficult to achieve.
Becki @Running with Team Hogan says
Thank you for sharing this. It isn’t a wonder to me where my kids get some of their bad attitudes and responses – they’re from me. Isn’t it great that God’s mercies are new every morning? I have been trying to ask for forgiveness from my children for my wrong attitudes and responses and start each day new and fresh. In the midst of a challenging school time for us, this post was a reminder I needed this morning.
Megan says
Wow! Thank you for sharing this. I completely understand. Lately the Lord has really been convicting me of having a bad attitude. So much so that I’ve been trying my best to be accountable to a dear friend. Oh my how I blew it big time the other day. The most humbling (and scary) part is that I should be modeling to my child how to respond. I keep reminding myself that when I daily (sometimes hourly or minute by minute) submit to God, He will give me power through the Spirit to respond correctly. His Grace Is ALWAYS Sufficient. Thank you again for your openness and honesty.
Charity says
I think we all have those days. I’m thankful for God’s grace!
Melanie @ Carmel Moments says
It is humbling. I’ve had to do it so often and it hurts every time. I always wonder when the kids will learn ‘their lesson’. Yet here I am still learning decades later.
So thankful that God’s grace extended to me serves as a daily reminder for me to show grace to the people I love.
Thanks for sharing Crystal.
You’re a beautiful inspiration!
xo
Amy says
I love that you shared this. I had a similar situation. I have a newly turned 13 year old daughter and an almost 4 year old daughter. My little one started a new stage the other week and it’s been very trying. My oldest is stuck in the middle of a very ugly custody battle and well she is not the most delightful kid to be around. Always has a smart alic comment .. and def doesn’t see the positive in people/events. Well the first week I was soo impressed with how loving she was too her sister and she was just laughing with me at the ridiculous meltdowns her sister was having. I told her too. Then this Saturday came and my oldest was getting sooo annoyed with the little one. So I reminded her to just ignore the little monster and stop letting her get to her. Not even two minutes later my oldest was pushing my buttons. So I snapped at her. She looked at me and said oh see not so easy. Remember you aren’t supposed to let me get to you. I was definitely convicted .. and wanted to strangle her at the same time. Haha Kids! Wtheck. Hahaha
Denise says
THIS is why I love your site! You are always so honest and it is so refreshing! Thank you for that.
Michelle says
Ugh… those moments are not pretty, but so worth it. What a beautiful lesson to live out in front of your children. Thank you for your transparency!
Michelle says
As incredibly difficult and heart wrenching as it is to feel like you have fallen, I truly believe that those moments are such powerful teaching moments for our kids. For them to see you act like they sometimes do is very relate-able for them, so when they see you humbly ask for forgiveness, they learn such a great lesson about how to be a good person and a successful adult. Having these lessons will get them through all of their future relationships with the best possible outcome. I believe this in my heart, and it is what I tell myself when I fail as a mom (much for than I would like).
[email protected] says
I couldn’t agree with you more, Michelle!!! 🙂
Amber says
Thanks for this! My husband drew me a flow chart on a piece of paper and it hangs on my wall: at the top is the problem, and from it are two arrows, one goes to “find a solution” and the other goes to “no solution possible- drive on”. Its hard to let go of what I usually do, which is to be upset because I think I have a right to, but I am practicing choosing the right response as well, and “driving on”.
tina says
Love this. I am going to do this.
Jennifer says
I feel your pain. I’m so glad the good times outweigh the frustrating, challenging, humbling ones…
Melinda says
I feel like God has been really teaching me lately about the lack of the fruits of the Spirit in my life. There haven’t been many good examples in my life to follow except when I reflect on my relationship with God Himself. He is always patient with me, He always treats me with kindness and compassion. Meditating on this has helped me treat everyone differently. It isn’t just a “rule” to be kind to others, it is passing on the grace I have received to others. I can be patient with you because I am going to follow my Father’s example and how He treated me.