A number of months ago, I was approached by a large national magazine. They said they loved my blog and my writing and offered me a position as a monthly columnist.
I was stoked and thrilled.
You see, because I’m a blogger, the mainstream media often doesn’t view me as completely “legit”. So this opportunity not only made me feel so honored, I confess that there was part of me that felt like it would add some sort of stamp of credibility to me as a writer.
That by signing on the dotted line, I would become “official”. I would finally arrive as a “real writer” and I’d be respected by those in the media as a result.
While I only told a handful of people, I secretly was sort of gloating about it. I’d walk past the bookstore racks of magazines and think, “Someday soon, MY article is going to be in one of those every month.”
There was only one problem. When I started working on my first article, it felt flat. I re-did it again and again, but I just didn’t like it. And the editors at the magazine agreed.
They had me try again — this time from a completely different angle with a completely different type of voice. Again, it just wasn’t coming together like I wanted.
After weeks of going back and forth, I got a call one day from my editor at the magazine. It went something like this, “We love you. We love your blog. But our editor-in-chief is asking us to find someone to write this column who has more credentials. We’re so sorry and we hope we can work together some time in the future.”
With that phone call, my hopes and excitement about the doors this opportunity would open were deflated right on the spot. I wasn’t just disappointed, I also struggled with the fact that I was told I didn’t have enough credentials.
It stung and it caused old insecurities to surface and fester. Thoughts ran through my head and ate at me, “Why am I even writing in the first place? I can’t measure up to other writers. I mean, I couldn’t even write one simple article that this magazine asked me to!”
I thought I had mostly worked through these insecurities, but when the glossy magazine arrived in my mailbox announcing the new columnist for this magazine — the columnist who had more credentials than me — those feelings surfaced again.
I’ll be honest and admit that there were even a few thoughts running through my head like, “Really? That’s who they chose? Why her and not me? Am I not good enough? Are my ten years of blogging not enough to earn some credibility?”
I’ve got a long way to go when it comes to contentment and not wanting what someone else has, and I’m guessing I’m not alone. Probably some of you have struggled with jealousy, envy, and hurt at some point in the last few years, too.
Maybe your co-worker got the promotion that you really felt you deserved. Perhaps you’ve desperately been hoping and trying to get pregnant and your neighbor just complained about her aches and pains and difficulties in her own pregnancy.
Or, you’re working so hard to get out of debt and making so many sacrifices to do so and your sister keeps going on and on about the amazing trip they are planning to Disney.
Maybe you feel like you’ve done everything in your power to restore a crumbling marriage and it’s just not working and it hurts so much when your friend whines about her husband not helping her more often with the dishes. And you think, “I’d give anything to have your problems!”
You might be the mom of a special needs child who requires round-the-clock care and it feels like a knife in your heart when someone at church comments about how grateful they are that their baby was born healthy and strong.
Whatever your season or circumstances, there’s probably someone in your life who has something you wish you had.
Instead of feeling like you got overlooked or that you didn’t make the cut or that you’re not good enough, instead of feeling frustrated or hurt or jealous or bitter, here are three strategies to help you process the disappointment and work through envy:*
1. Remind Yourself of the Truth
Your worth is not dependent upon what other people think of you, how much money you have, the position you have at work, how many people read your blog, or whether or not you get asked to participate in that opportunity.
Don’t buy into the belief that says you don’t have anything to offer. Don’t believe the lie that because you were passed over for that promotion or have chronic illness or struggle with infertility or are in a difficult marriage or are still single in your 40’s that you aren’t good enough.
The truth is: you are enough — exactly as you are. You have gifts and talents and unique perspective. You are the only YOU in existence.
The world needs your story. The world needs your gifts. The world needs you.
2. Rejoice in Others’ Successes
This is sometimes hard to do. I get it. When someone gets the very thing we were wishing and hoping for, the last thing we want to do is be happy for them.
But there’s so much joy in being committed to being a cheerleader versus being a criticizer. There are plenty of opportunities to go around. And honestly? Sometimes the very thing we want so badly is actually the thing that could end up wrecking our life — or at least making things really difficult.
For me personally, not getting the magazine column gig was humbling. And it was such a needed — and good! — reminder that I have so much already. I want to be grateful for my current opportunities instead of spending time wishing I had something more.
Plus, I think the opportunity would have caused me to have too big of a head. Having it taken away from me knocked me down a notch and back to reality. There are many others who are much more qualified and credentialed than me and I want to rejoice that they are getting these opportunities. They’ve worked hard and their hard work is paying off.
3. Remember What Really Matters
Sometimes, we get so caught up in the day-to-day that we forget to take a step back and look at the big picture. What’s really going to matter in 25 years from now?
At the end of my life, is it really going to make a huge difference that I had a monthly column in a large magazine? Probably not. But it is going to matter that I invested time and effort into loving my children and nurturing them.
Not getting this additional opportunity frees up time every month that I could spend with my family. It also frees up brain space to devote to other projects. And it relieves me of the stress of pressing deadlines and meeting the demands of an editorial staff with high expectations.
Someday, another similar opportunity might come my way. And if it does, going through this experience and learning these lessons will better enable me to think carefully and prayerfully about what is best for my schedule, for our family, and most importantly, for my own heart.
*Update: One commenter felt hurt that some of these didn’t apply to her struggle with infertility and I realized I should have made an important note on the post and points. I can’t cover every single struggle or situation in one short post and what applied to me in my situation won’t necessarily apply to you in your situation.
The last thing I want to do is cause further pain and hurt, so please know that not all of the points or suggestions would be applicable to every situation. However, I hope that hearing how I struggled through these things and processed them might give you some encouragement and perspective as you work through your own situations.
{Hugs!} to all of you who are hurting and struggling right now. My heart aches for you.
Angela says
While it is good to focus on gratitude for the positive in one’s situation, is important to also validate your own feelings. In my case, a husband who turned out to have fertility problems eventually led us to adopt. However before that were some years of him preferring to be child free, even though prior to marriage when I’d said I might want to adopt and or foster in addition to birth children.
Not wanting to bring a child in before both of us were solidly wanting it I waited and waited. One day after a phone call saying my cousin had yet another child I broke down crying saying it isn’t fair! My cousins each then had many children while I had none. Shockingly my husband responded as if he had not believed it meant that much to me even though I had been telling him so for years. We began the adoption process soon after and happily welcomed our baby.
While I love this child and am incredibly grateful for the the gift of motherhood, I do sometimes regret the years of just being grateful for what I had. I felt young and fit at the beginning, but unfortunately underwent very early menopause so did not get to be the youthful fun parent I had still thought possible. And, after adopting the doctor finally sent my husband to a specialist (after we had asked early on with only reassurances. A prolactin secreting tumor was discovered and surgically removed. Had I pushed harder, sooner for my agenda,–instead of focusing on the positive and gently suggesting from not wanting to make him feel like a disappointment). even that might have been cured sooner.
Well enough of my story. Gratitude and trust in Divine timing is still well said and I enjoy your blog. The part about having the children learn about sacrifice and not having to keep up with the Joneses is right on and will likely stand them (and you) in good stead. I heard an ad on the radio recently for something about not raising a narccicist in the selfie generation, and can only assume that has to do with parents focusing on giving their children “everything”. Everything, that is, other than what you are demonstrating for your children!
Dawn says
I struggle with being the sister who is barely paying the bills and having a sister who seems to have unlimited funds at her disposal. I know money isn’t everything but I would really like to try it sometime! I know people don’t mean to rub it in your face but asking me if I want to go shopping . Sure, I want to go watch you spend your money an feel like a loser.
Ronni @ The Screenwriter's Wife says
Crystal, you have nothing to apologize for in that you did or didn’t cover in your article! We’re all going through different things in our lives at any given time and that was your point – we don’t all have to have the same struggles or even acknowledge every single struggle that someone could be going through. Just acknowledging that others are going through their own difficulties is an important enough thing.
With that said, I found this to be a great article. As someone who also lives in a world of constant hope of “making it big”, I completely understand this desire to feel legitimate. Even right now, my husband and I are just waiting to see if this huge potential project of ours will be bought. It would be life changing if so. And it’s hard because I want it so bad, but I also know it might not happen. And if it doesn’t happen, then I know I will take it very hard. But all I can do is wait and see what happens and trust that whatever does happen is what’s meant to happen and keep continuing to do what I can with what I have.
Rose says
Great post, Crystal! I’m struggling right now, and am feeling really bad. Yesterday, I admitted my problems to the 4 people closest to me, and I feel better. I realized I had been using a lot of energy that I don’t have, covering up my problems and pretending that everything in my life is perfect. That’s why I love your blog. You’re so honest about the good and the bad. Much better way to live!
tri says
remember too Gods best doesnt always look like the world. we may face loss or suffer w a special needs,child, but God isnt so concerned w our perfect lives here on earth but getting Glory for Him and getting us to heaven. Lot chose the lush land and Abraham seeming took a loss, but he was were God wanted him to be, even if it seemed in a worse place than Lot…who seemingly had it all. He had it all but God wasnt there, so your trial MAY be the thing that keeps you close to God even at the time it doesnt seem like what you want.
tri says
God has really been trying to get me to deal with this, because I was passed over for something I want but dont need. its hard especially when you lose to anothers negligence. however there are simply ppl who God chooses to bless with somethings and im learning to let the best woman win. I really didnt deserve the title anyway and most likely would not have enjoyed it. so im trying to see the good in my, albeit bleak circumstances, and trying not to feel i got a raw deal, tho I did. but hey God is faithful maybe you have a better opportunity coming your way and yes theres always someone worse of then us and something to be thankful for. you cant win them all, its only fair. 😉
Keelie Reason says
Wow, I know that must have been hard to have that opportunity get shot down. You are an amazing blogger, and I wouldn’t worry about not making it into a magazine. You’ve likely got just as much reach as any magazine out there.
Hannah says
I was taken aback when I read your little note at the end as most of my struggle with this issue has to do with children and why are others blessed but not me…or rather why am I not blessed the way I wish I were. My first baby died when she was two days old. I have a young son. But in 6 years of marriage I thought I’d have more. I always wanted a big family. Like 10 kids big. I found this helpful. It I’ve become aware of my bitterness and am looking to get away from that habit.
Lindsey@Kindred Spirit Mommy says
P.S. I love how encouraging this post is! I really needed to hear it ALL.
Lindsey@Kindred Spirit Mommy says
I have been struggling with something similar… I started a blog devoted to encouraging women who are hurting after divorce (after my own divorce 6 months ago), and I was hit with insecurities about my writing and my ability to help others. I kept comparing myself to other similar blogs that were spectacular and felt I couldn’t live up to my own expectations.
I know this is something I want to pursue, but it takes time to figure out exactly how I want to sound and kind of get into the flow of it.
I think there’s something much better down the road for you! If the articles didn’t come easily and from the heart, that’s not your fault. You were sought out because you do write well, but you write well about what you are passionate about so hopefully you will find an opportunity in the future in that niche. 🙂 Just think, you could be struggling writing something that doesn’t come easily, absolutely hate the job, but feel you must do it because it’s expected. You might even have missed out on an opportunity to do something better while consumed with that. Be excited and prepared for what’s coming in the future! 🙂
Maria Matthys says
Thank you for this article – especially the footnote about miscarriage/the loss of a child. Losing a soul is incredibly devastating. A dear friend who has suffered multiple miscarriages started her own blog recently and heartily recommends the book Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake, for those who have suffered such a loss and for those “burden bearers” who genuinely want to understand HOW to best love those hurting around them. I have found my friend’s blog to be so helpful in giving understanding of how to minister to those who have suffered this grief and plan also to get the book. http://www.hidinghope.com/2015/05/01/hannahs-hope/
Kim says
Crystal, thank you sharing your story. It certainly can be frustrating when we fall into the trap of feeling like we want and need external validation and forget who we are. What can be most frustrating is succumbing to it after you feel like you worked through it already. It’s lie, “Again?” Sigh. 🙂 It is always work to stay in a positive place but so worth it. Thanks again!
Stephanie F. says
As usual, your honesty and self awareness is what makes your blog so well worth reading. You know, I’m thinking the type of voice you have is for inspirational purposes. I don’t know what kind of articles you would have been writing about, but I believe God has put you where you are serving His purpose best, for the time being. 🙂 May you continue to see the blessings………… 🙂
Emily says
Here’s irony: though you’ve been incredibly gracious to publish several of my ‘guest posts’ on your blogs, I was nearly devastated the first time I got te rejection email. However, it truly did work out for the best. It caused me to rethink what I want to write about. I’m a banker who wanted to be a banker since I was a little girl after seeing ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and the positive impact someone can have in this field. I also am strongly pulled towards traditions, etiquette and holidays. You have beautifully covered the financial side of blogging, so I’m attempting my hand at an etiquette/entertaining blog. 🙂 Thank you for your words! They impact us exactly how we need them to.
Crystal Paine says
This is one reason I despise ever saying no to someone… because I know how hard it is and devastating it can be. 🙁
I’m so proud of you for starting an etiquette and entertaining blog!!
Mindy says
Thanks for this article. It hit home! I’m that sister who envys the other sister who is going on a vaction to Vegas and we are just struggling to get by and pay bills. But in the end we all struggle in one way or another and you must push forward!
An Onymous says
Loved this post! After years of struggling with infertility and watching many, many friends and family have not one, but sometimes two to three kids in that process, it was a constant struggle. God gave me Romans 12:15 to live out: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” I had also had a miscarriage, and when all of my friends and some family members had babies when my baby would have been born, it hurt. It was a constant reminder that my arms were empy. However, I decided to congratulate them and do something for them. For one friend I made a fun jar(with pinto beans) congratulating her. She called her baby in utero Pinto. And you know what? It felt good. I also helped at her baby shower and could not wait to meet her little one. I realized every time I focused on someone else, my self pity decreased. Then, when I did get pregnant, everyone was crazy excited for me. And I was so glad I had been excited for them. Then, almost every good friend who had a baby around the time of my miscarriage had a miscarriage with my new pregnancy. I felt guilty. I felt awful for them, because I had been there and knew the emptiness and depths of despair losing a baby could bring. I wept with them. Okay, I sobbed. Then something I never want to relive happened. I was pulled out of my classroom to be told one of my closest friend’s 8 month old baby died suddenly. And I was happily pregnant. It didn’t seem right for someone to lose their baby when I had one growing so healthily inside of me. I will never forget his showing and funeral. My friend who had just lost her baby boy wrapped her arms around my neck while I was sobbing and told me how very happy she was for me that I was going to be a mommy. And I almost slapped her, because I thought, “How can you say that?!? You just lost your son!” But God whispered Romans 12:15 in my ear, and I saw for the first time what rejoicing and weeping at the same time looked like. And although the situation was horrible, the moment was beautiful. Because she meant it. I meant it. And I knew that although her world was turned upside down, she had rock-solid faith that would continue to inspire many. It IS hard when someone else gets what you want. I still don’t know the “whys” of my miscarriage, but I don’t need to. Since contentment is wanting what you already have, I’m striving for that. Failing all the time, but moving forward. Thank you for your posts. Your personal posts are my favorites!
Cari says
I know writing for a magazine was one of your goals, but thank you again for blogging! I rarely read magazines anymore.
Liz says
I am astounded by your honesty and transparency. I love your blog and articles. So many come back to read what you share – that includes me. So many times, good is the enemy of the best. Crystal, the best is yet to come. Keep up your great work. Hugs
Erin@The Humbled Homemaker says
Crystal! I don’t know how I missed this yesterday, but Will just told me about it (Yes, my hubs reads your blog now! LOL!). I just love how your heart shines through this. I also love your transparency. I wish we could just have a girls’ weekend! I think the publisher of this magazine doesn’t know what they are missing out on, but I do know that God is sovereign, and He has great plans for you!!!
Crystal Paine says
I wish we could have a girls’ weekend, too! And I’m pretty honored that Will reads my blog!
Kelly Cox says
Crystal, great post! My heart hurts over infertility. However, my loving God is sovereign, always good and on time. I know His plans for my husband and I are good – b/c his Word is true. Trusting in Him…
#3 from post – what really matters are the eternal matters. That puts my heart into perspective!
Ps. 112:7 – “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” This is our verse through this journey. My blog was born out of our struggles – although not on the infertility topic at all.
My two closest friends are pregnant right now. I rejoice with and for them. Pray for them and their babies. I love your thought to rejoice with others. We’d miss out on so much of the Kingdom if we did not.
Crystal Paine says
{Hugs!} I am so sorry! What good words you’ve shared here, though. I love your heart! I just stopped and prayed for God to give you hope and encouragement today.
Melanie says
I don’t feel like your personality would really fit a monthly column or maybe that people wouldn’t get the chance to see the real you. Maybe this is just my impression, but I think in many ways, you are past the stage in your life when you are most focused on being prescriptive and now you are more focused on edifying those around you. I just don’t think edification really fits with that genre.
I like all your suggestions and they reminded me of Lysa Terkeruest’s book Unglued in which she explains what usually is going on in people’s lives when they feel jealous. It made me watch for some triggers in my life so I can prevent those jealous/insecure moments and be more genuine in my celebration of others accomplishments.
Myrna says
It is always hard to strive and not reach a goal. You are amazing to share so much with us. All of us can learn from you. As I struggle with health issues, I talk to people and learn that they have much more trouble than I do. As a good friend once said: Things could always be worse.
Your blog helps so many people. Thank you!
Sarah says
Crystal,
All I know how to say is thank you for this article. I am currently miscarrying and in a hard place mentally. I don’t want this to define who I am and I want the best for my family. Although I am heartbroken I am working really hard to see through the tears and see the beauty that has brought me my other children.
For any mothers that have had loss I am no stranger to this, this is in fact my 4th loss and it is hard but keep your chin up and remember the words to this song, The sun will come up tomorrow chase away the cobwebs and the sorrow”!
Hugs to all of you.
Crystal Paine says
I am so, so sorry! {Hugs!}
Karen says
Thank you for being who you are, Crystal, and for being so willing to share that with us.
Mary Carter says
Thanks!
Jenny says
As someone who has been working through my feelings about infertility, testing, treatment, surgeries, etc. for a decade, I guess my response to this is that #2 and #3 are applicable and essential in dealing with infertility.
I’m not saying that I go to every baby shower. But I do celebrate with friends the births and growth of their children. I do also know that it could be worse. I could do every treatment, spend every dime, risk my health in order to have a child and yes, it could end up wrecking my life — i.e. death — or my relationship with my husband.
As for remembering what is important…yes children are important and in another 10 years I’ll still be disappointed that I didn’t have children. But I don’t want that to define me. I am still a woman, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter of God. My childlessness enables me to reach out to others that need support and love in a way that others can’t. It also enables me to learn and grow in areas of my life that moms of littles don’t have the opportunity to.
I’m sorry that some found the post painful or unhelpful. I felt like it so well expressed my own feelings for how I’d like to be…someday.
Jen says
What a blessing you are Crystal! Thanks for putting yourself out there with your transparency. I think part of the lie with our struggles is in thinking we are the only people who have these issues. The truth is that we ALL have struggles that bring up insecurities. Thanks for “keeping it real”. You have encouraged me to do the same 🙂
Sanju says
Crystal,
I am so glad you wrote this. I needed it today.
We have been in business for many years and recently nothing we do is working. I see others who doesn’t put much effort and their business seems to be successful. I was in a self critical mode and your post really reminded me of whats important in the long run.
Thanks!
BTW, I love your writing style 🙂 You are as “official” as it gets.
Karen says
Thank you, Crystal, for being so transparent. I experienced a similar reaction when I was recently turned down for a job I really wanted. Your posts are always encouraging to me. Know you are a blessing to so many women.
Jayleen @ How Do The Jones Do It says
Rejoicing in other’s successes can be so hard to do when you’re struggling to see that success yourself.
My son has recently started a competition with his buddies to see who can get the most YouTube subscribers. Lol! Instead of focussing on his chanel, he is focussed on his buddies’ numbers. I told him they could help each other out and have fun with it but really, how do you teach a teenager to cheer on his competitors?! Parenting can be tough!
Jocelyn @ Hip Mama's Place says
This article cut through my heart. You are truly an inspiration, Crystal. I have been blogging for 8 years now and some days, I just feel like quitting. But reading inspirational posts like this keeps me going, not just in my blogging ‘career’ but in other aspects of my life and my relationship with God. Thank you for the beautiful post. I will be a fan forever! 🙂
KimInPhx says
Oh Crystal! I went through something similar. After years of priding (pride!) myself on my writing prowess, I was offered a job writing blog posts for a business. They hated my writing! It’s one thing to write from the heart. It’s another to write for mass appeal. I’m too unique to write for others and so I limit myself to blog posts for our business. And they aren’t great because my heart’s not in it. I write well when my heart is singing a song that God has put in my heart and I can’t force it. No shame in that game. When God wills that it will happen, I’d be willing. Until then, I sing for myself and those who want to read what I write. And you have tons of those!
Joyce says
Crystal,
Thank you once again for being so open and honest with us your readers. I love being able to see that I’m not the only one feeling jealous or not enough. So many people try to portray how they have everything together and wrapped with a pretty little cheery bow. You don’t. That’s one of the things that keeps me coming back to your blog day after day. 🙂
This post came at the perfect time as I have been having a bad case of pity part, not good enoughitis. I have been really trying to be positive and upbeat and celebrate where I am. You’re post spoke directly to my heart and I am very thankful for you and your willingness to be open and real.
I know God has good things in store for you and as you bless others His blessings come back to you in abundance.
Hugs for your heart hurt and happy you see the positive.
Lori says
Crystal,
Thank you for being so honest and candid in your posts. They are such a blessing for us who are going through difficult situations. For what is worth, you are my favorite blogger and your blog has been a huge blessing in my life.
The past two days have been very difficult for me because I just received some difficult news about my health, and I am feeling overwhelmed because I already have a chronic illness, and don’t know what to do. I’ve also been feeling resentful towards those around me who have no health issues, which is ridiculous.
I’ve struggled with feelings of insecurity since I was a teen. And, I’ve been guilty of putting others down to make myself feel better. I have been working on my own issues for a long time, and although I’ve made progress, I know I have a long way to go. I want to lift others up, not bring them down.
I found the following post and it really hit home. I love this blogger but please note that she’s very candid and her language can be colorful: http://brittanyherself.com/2015/03/18/the-girls-girl/
Kelly says
Beautiful post. I needed to hear this today. Thanks, Crystal
Annie Kate says
Thank you, Crystal. Sometimes our plans and goals fall apart and then it is so important to trust God’s goodness and to be happy for the joys of others. Yes, we may still cry at times, but we need not feel sorry for ourselves.
Barb says
And always remember you are created in God’s image to serve Him. You are a child of the King!
kariane says
We all need this reminder, at least I do. Thank you.
MaryBeth says
I really needed to read this since I’ve been struggling a lot with our son, who has autism. Sometimes my cross seems so heavy to bear and I look at other families and think it’s unfair of what I have to deal with daily. But then I also think that there must be a greater purpose for this: Michael’s disability has taught me lots of patience and to slow down.
As for the professional rejection, I get that too. I’m a freelance writer and nothing is worse than hearing “your” style isn’t what they are looking for. That magazine who passed on you really missed out on a great contributor!
Christina says
Discouragement and self-doubt are the Devil’s best tools.
This post meant SO much to me, and hit very close to home. I want so much to make an impact in a BIG way on my chosen profession and have experienced similar closed doors and blows to my overall confidence via rejection. I feel like the Lord has been whispering to me (and, thanks to your post, has begun SHOUTING) that my standards of “success” are not the same as His. Thanks for being a messenger.
Oh, and if it helps, I stopped subscribing to “that” publication years ago, but your blog is one of the first things I read each morning during my quiet time. Many of your loyal followers would never even see your articles there anyway. 🙂
Aimee says
My heart just cringes for you. I’ve been there. I won’t try to give you platitudes because I know you already know that Romans 8:28 has promised us that this all works for our good.
That said, you MUST read this devotion from the other day. It is *so* good and very pertinent.
http://www.incourage.me/2015/03/her-success-does-not-threaten-mine.html
Danielle B says
I’m so glad you wrote this post. Truly, I am.
I have so much to be thankful for. But this week I’ve been struggling with feeling sorry for myself and my family and where we are in life as compared to others. It’s pathetic really, considering how much God has blessed us especially this past month. Why is that? Why do I struggle to stay grateful when the blessings abound the most?
God’s grace washes over all of us though. We’re all works-in-progress.
Vickie @Vickie's KITCHEN AND GARDEN says
oh I needed this – sometimes it can be a struggle when you feel rejected. thanks so much for writing about your situation to help so many others in theirs. You are a blessing.
Heather says
It strikes me that sometimes we can use these setbacks as an opportunity to see what we need to do to achieve a certain goal. In this case, it might be getting those “credentials” in order to get a different magazine gig in the future. Passed over for promotion? Maybe I should take some classes, improve my skills, learn better interpersonal skills, or whatever. Obviously, that doesn’t work for all situations, but perhaps more than we realize. Especially now, with so much online learning available.
Crystal Paine says
That’s definitely a good point and one that we all should consider! In this case, the credentials are probably things I’m not going to make goals in my life right now (i.e. I have no ambitions to get a master’s degree right now and/or to try to get a regular gig with a national TV show).
It was good for me to realize that and to recognize that I love my life right now exactly how it is. As a result, because I’m not chasing after those big gigs or investing hours of my time each week into higher education, I will likely be passed over for opportunities. And, in the grand scheme of things, I’m really good with that.
Diana says
Thank you for sharing! This was good for my soul and such a needed reminder! 🙂
Danielle says
Oh Crystal! You are legitimate. The fact that thousands of us come to read your words every single day is a great example to see the influence that God has given you. God uses you daily to encourage His daughters. I have been inspired by you and challenged to live more purposefully. God has given you a beautiful platform.
Leah says
This is such a sweet an encouraging post!! However, I do just want to say that I was very disappointed by most of number 2 and number 3, considering the examples you used in the post. (Not your personal example; it applied very well there. But you used particularly the example of couples struggling with infertility.)
Honestly, if one more person tells me that I’ll probably look back ten years from now and be happy that we didn’t have children now (because I’ll somehow see that it was so much better for us not to have children right now), I think I’m going to break down. Um, definitely, most emphatically, no. This is a heavy cross to bear, and while God, with His grace, can make something good come out of it, I know that there’s no way I’m going to be looking back in ten years and thinking about what a good thing it was after all that we didn’t have children now. (Assuming we’re ever actually able to have any.)
I know people who say this have good intentions, and probably not a clue as to what would actually help to say, but it’s really incredibly painful to hear. It makes it sound like God either doesn’t think the couple is ready/worthy of having children yet, or that there’s some good in their not having children that they just are too blind to see. (And that belittles the very real pain that they feel.)
And I know that God’s will is amazing and different for everyone; I’m only talking about these kinds of comments feel, not questioning whether his will is actually best or not.
I’m sure you don’t mean it this way at all, and I really loved suggestion #1, but I just wanted to suggest that maybe you consider adding something to those two that pertains more to infertility? (Or to explain perhaps, that you don’t mean this to apply to all of your examples?)
Crystal Paine says
I’m SO sorry that you felt hurt by those points. You are absolutely right that if you were to think of it ONLY from the perspective of infertility, it could very much be taken wrongly. I know that I can’t cover everything or every situation without the post turning into a book, so I just hoped that hearing how I struggled through the points could give you some encouragement as you struggle through your own situations. What applied to me in my situation won’t necessarily apply to you in your situation and not all of the points or suggestions would be applicable to every situation.
Thank you so much for pointing this out. I’ll update the post as such as I certainly don’t want someone to feel hurt and discouraged by what I wrote.
Also, I just prayed for encouragement and hope for you. I’m so, so sorry that you’re dealing with this. My heart aches for you!
Leah says
Thank you so much, Crystal! You are so sweet, and I totally understand that there’s only so much you can do in one blog post (and know that you didn’t mean it that way at all!).
It’s just that when specific examples are used and then advice is listed like that, it’s pretty reasonable/normal to assume that the points are meant to help in the situations that were mentioned.
But I appreciate your update! Thank you so much!!!
Raquel Evans says
I just wanted to say thank you to Leah for sharing exactly what I felt but didn’t know how to say without sounding whiny, and to Crystal for her kind response.
Cynthia says
Leah’s comments remind me of something that I first read in Brene Brown’s book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t).
Infertility: A Guide for Family and Friends: this brochure goes through different emotions in the struggle to have a child and ways in which your friends and family can be supportive. And not add to the emotional torture of infertility.
http://www.thaisuperiorart.com/downloads/guide_for_family_and_friends.doc
This was put out by
infertilityeducation.org however I can’t find this exact brochure on their site so I’m linking to somebody else who had it available.
They (infertilityeducation.org) do seem to have a plethora of materials that might helpful.
Jennifer says
Thank you for this article. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person struggling with things like insecurity, pride, jealousy, etc. It is a daily battle!
I wanted to add; my mil gave me several magazine subscriptions for Christmas. I find very few articles inside worth reading. I would prefer to read any article on your blog over what I find in magazines! You might find this “rejection” a blessing in disguise. You may have found yourself locked into a contract with someone who wants you to write in a way that is just not you:)
MaryEllen@ImperfectHomemaker says
Goodness, that must have stung! Thanks for choosing to have a good attitude even though it would have been so easy to sulk and be jealous of that other person. Your example will be an encouragement to many other people.
Monica says
Thank you so much for this honest post. After facing a long winter that will result in costly home repairs, another year without a vacation, and the trials and triumphs of a special needs child, this was very encouraging to me. Maybe the Lord used this experience so that you could share it and strengthen the many who will read it and understand. By the way, your blog is fabulous, a massive credential, and someday the right opportunity will come at the right time.
Kristie says
Crystal, this blog was honesty and blogging at its best. This is where we live: Not on Pinterest, or perfectly-staged Facebook photos with Christmas lights always twinkling in the background. You went out on a limb to share your personal struggle and to unfold your disappointment for the world to see, where unkind critics often lurk and laugh. Thanks for the raw truth and great advice. Five stars on today’s post!!! 🙂
Kristine says
Well said, Crystal. I especially like #2. Envy can eat away at your heart. But there is a sense of happiness when you can be happy for others.
Dawn @ Reveal Natural Health says
I’d be happy if I were as well known in the blogging world as you are!
Jennifer says
I really needed this today! Thank you!
Barb says
Love your writing style Crystal, keep it real:)
Sarah says
I think this my favorite article you’ve written so far because it’s so true. Contentment is very important to ones happiness. Sometimes I have to remind myself to look on the bright side but I’m a lot happier since working on being content. It took me years to get here after a diagnosis of moderate to severe Crohn’s disease. I had a very long pity party for myself but honestly things can always be worse. I still have many things to be grateful for. I’ve been married for 9 years and have two healthy kids.
Elizabeth says
I think that is really great advice though so hard to live by. I think if I could do those things I’d be much happier to be sure. I think the problem is sometimes I set the bar too high. I read blogs, magazines, etc and think ‘they’re super mom why can’t I be’. It’s not quite jealousy or not being happy for them but it kind of runs along the whole recognizing truth thing you mentioned but not only that but the want to be acknowledged. It’s all well and good that we recognize ourselves but I think there are a lot of people like myself who want that outside recognition so we feel justified and not that we are just caught up in vanity.
JOLINDA says
Thank you so much for your post! I appreciate your raw honesty about your thoughts and feelings – even when it makes you more vulnerable. I try to remind myself that some things may never be in God’s plan but others may be for another season in life. Either way – God is using you! Thanks again!
annie says
I like this comment
Jenny M says
“Probably some of you have struggled with jealousy, envy, and hurt at some point in the last few years, too.”
Or some of us may have struggled with this in the last few days and weeks. It gets me down too. But then I read a post like this and realize that it is not only normal to feel this way sometimes, but that an amazing woman who seems to “have it all” can feel this way and still hold her head high and be proud of who she is and what she has. And then I feel blessed and encouraged to keep going.
Your words are your gift to the world Crystal.
Thank you (AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN)
Jenny
Rhonda N says
Your authenticity is so refreshing. I’m glad to have your example in handling a disappointment in life. Your long term outlook on what is important in your life is an encouragement to all your readers!
Misty Nicole Roberts says
So, clearly you are not a journalist, but you are a fine blogger. Just as Christiane Amanpour might be a fish out of water in the homeschooling arena, as you might be writing from the trenches, within a war torn country. There is a lot to be said for your strengths and advancements in your own field. You have a lot to be proud of, celebrate your triumphs today!
As Abraham Lincoln once said, “Whatever you are, be a good one.”
Josephine says
Thank you for post. You are a wise young woman.
Marisol says
Gulp! Wow can I just say that I am shocked and truley impressed with your honesty! Ever since I found your website I can say that I have become a better mom and wife. And each day I visit I am challenged to be better. Thank you for your transperacy it makes me feel like I am not alone in my failures. This posting has touched my heart thank you for all your hard work. May the Lord continue to shower you with His love and mercy.
annie says
I.k.r? I find it amazing that Crystal can be so vulnerable in her writing and still not make it sound like she is whining. She’s got courage.
Zan says
Thanks for this post. I have been feeling the exact way you described in the blogging world lately – being rejected by others and told stuff that is hard to swallow. Maybe not as out there as writing for a magazine but it is still humbling. I need to remember to rejoice when others are benefiting from something instead of letting it get me down. Thanks again for the reminder!
Abbey says
Thank you.
Missy says
I read 2 blogs on a regular basis, yours being my favorite. I receive several magazines (most for pennies, thanks to you) and read very few of the articles. I’m over “credentialed” writing. I find most articles flat, boring, and filled with so much unnecessary fluff. I choose to read your blog, not because it is part of the magazine I subscribe to, but because it stands alone in authenticity. I get more out of your blog in one week than I could in a whole magazine…by FAR!! Please keep on doing YOUR thing!
melissa says
Your vulnerability and honesty here touch more lives than you’ll probably ever know. I hope as you wrote this, that the Lord used these words to encourage your own heart as He used them to encourage mine as I read them.
Beth Anne says
Crystal, this post is proof of what a wonderful writer you are. Really and truly! You introduced a story that grabbed my attention, shared honestly but tactfully, then ended with three great tips that we can all apply to our lives.
Wow, I’m always impressed with how much you’re able to write each week, and how helpful your blog posts are.
I know you’re not seeking praise, but I just wanted to offer a pick-me-up and that extra vote that you’re doing things exactly right! Plus, like you said, less time working for the magazine means more time for your family (and maybe even a few extra blog posts for all of us!) I appreciate your honesty here. The fact that jealousy is something even ultra-successful women like yourself still struggle with reminds me that there’s no status/achievement/title that will cure me of jealousy. But your tips will certainly help!
I love this: “there’s so much joy in being committed to being a cheerleader versus being a criticizer. There are plenty of opportunities to go around.”
Elizabeth says
Being turned down always hurts, I think…but having had 62+ years now, can tell you that a lot of situations do turn out in the end, farther down the road a bit perhaps, to be a blessing. Your little ones need you now as they will not later…so maybe GOD wanted to be sure you do not get too busy for them. People often do look down on those of us without our “college papers” but intelligence comes in many forms…obviously, you have done well…very well, without them. This blog is certainly validation, my dear!!
annie says
This post begs to be re-read tomorrow.
If there is one area of envy I have, it’s comment envy. 🙂 There are so many thoughtful and eloquent responses here time and time again. Secretly wanting to join in the conversation, many times I don’t respond because I can’t seem to find the words to describe what’s in my heart. And when I do, I too feel like my comments fall flat.
You are the first blog and pretty much the only blog I’ve read in 4 years. I think it’s because you are so conversational. You have inspired me to be a better person. No, better put you are inspiring me to be who God created me to be.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank You!
Brandy @ The Prudent Homemaker says
Thank you for number 1. I needed to read that right now.
Faith says
Your blog wad the first blog I ever read! I love how far you’ve come!
Jealousy steals joy.. But in the moment it’s so hard to remember that.
Thank you for all your tips, recipes, and authentic posts and family and life.
[email protected] says
So very well said, Crystal. Thank you so much for being so open, honest and real. As a momma of two boys with special needs, I found myself tearing up when you acknowledged what is often my reality.
Jaimie says
I absolutely loved this post. I know you’re not looking for kudos, but thank you for your example. Your honesty is refreshing. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with the article, but for the record, I look forward to your posts every day and enjoy reading your blog! I’m a new(er) mom and your tips and recipes have made my life a lot smoother. I followed your tips and started a new Saturday night routine so that I’m prepared for Sunday morning. I always felt frazzled, but after implementing the new routine, I actually had spare time! All that to say, I know I’m a small fish, but your blog is making a big difference in people’s’ lives! Thanks! You’re a “real writer” in my eyes and many others around the world!
🙂
Rita says
Crystal, this was exactly on point for me today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ☺
Anna @ Feminine Adventures says
For what it’s worth I rarely find magazines worth reading cover to cover but check your blog almost daily (sometimes more!) Your encouragement and authenticity and heart for others are so uplifting to me. Thanks for being YOU… and for letting us follow along with your trials and triumphs. (Hugs!)
Sara says
Same here! I have a pile of magazines at home that I haven’t looked at. I prefer to read blogs. I guess I better stop signing up for those magazine offers…
Melissa says
Yes, as the other ladies have said, thank you for your honesty and humility. Your blog encourages me daily. Keep doing what you’re doing.
Jennifer says
Good golly miss molly. A NYT best-selling book and a blog with a zillion daily views wasn’t credentials enough!
Karen says
Thank you for sharing what’s been on your heart! Keep being brave, we all benefit from your insites! 🙂
Michelle says
I love this post and your transparency. We all really are unique and have unique gifts. I think it’s so important for people, especially women to understand this. We tend to compare ourselves to each other, which keeps us from walking in the unique gifts and callings that we have.
lizajane says
How exciting to have been given the chance at all! I love your writing style and can’t believe that it wouldn’t have been what they are looking for, but when one door closes, another one opens, so who knows what lies ahead for you. I’ve read your blog for several years and am so impressed with how far you’ve taken it and all the exciting things that you’ve been a part of already, so…..keep up the good work! 🙂
Crystal Paine says
In all honesty, I’m loving just being home and more home focused this year. And I can look back and see how God allowed this to fall through back in November as one less commitment for me this year as I seek to simplify and streamline my life. Though at the time, I struggled to see it as a gift… and then this week, some green envy and insecurity surfaced again! 🙂 I’m definitely a work in progress over here!
Karen says
Oh, that was convicting. I just had an early miscarriage this week (my second), and my husband and I are currently raising our developmentally delayed (sweet, wonderful, fun) 19-month-old son. Needless to say, things have been challenging lately! I just had a pity party for myself after our miscarriage, thought some ugly things and said them to my husband as well. Along the lines of, how come all of our family and close friends get to have healthy babies so easily and we seem to have trouble at every turn?
Sometimes things just stink and don’t seem fair, and that’s okay. I’m not the one in charge! It feels like a hard act of obedience to accept God’s will and move forward, but that’s what we’re called to do. I’ll be praying for a better attitude. Thank you for sharing, Crystal!
Crystal Paine says
{Hugs!} I am so, so sorry! Your struggles make my example seem completely and utterly petty, but I’m grateful that the post was helpful. I just prayed for encouragement and hope for you.
Karen says
Not petty at all! I didn’t mean to make it seem that way. I work full-time, and getting passed over for things can really get to you and make you question your worth. Thanks so much for your prayers, Crystal, and I’m praying for you as well!
Kim says
I’m so sorry! I wish I could give you a hug. God loves you! It wasn’t His will. Every good & perfect gift comes from above & children are a perfect gift from God. The enemy’s the one that steals, kills, & destroys. I just prayed that God takes the pain away, gives you strength & heals your heart!
Diane says
I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve lost 3 babies and it was very hard to handle other people being pregnant and babies who would be my babies’ ages had they survived. I just prayed for your comfort.
Patricia says
I will pray for you and your family to have many blessings in the future and for comfort in healing.
Aimee says
Karen – I am so sorry for your loss and the trials you are currently facing. I just prayed for you and your family.
karen says
Thank you for sharing from your heart. You are an amazing writer. I am so glad that God has you using this as your venue at this moment. I love reading your blog and I have been challenged many times by the things you write. I love how He knows us so well and when I trust Him, His way always brings beautiful blessings, even through the most humbling of experiences.
Crystal Paine says
Thanks so much for your sweet encouragement! And yes, humbling experiences are so good… not fun, but good!
Sarah W says
Thank you for sharing such a personal post. I appreciate your honesty–it adds authenticity and credibility to your encouragement and advice.
Crystal Paine says
Thanks so much for your kind encouragement!