Important Note from Crystal: I thought this guest post was a unique and creative idea which might work in some situations — especially in the case of family members and/or a single person living with a family. However, I’d urge people to proceed with great caution, thought and prayer before setting up an arrangement like this. It’s not worth putting the health of your marriage or family at risk for the sake of saving money.
Guest post by Alexis at Mined Like a Diamond
My husband, daughter and I share a house with my sister-in-law, her husband, and their son. Each family saves several hundred dollars per month (based on what we would pay to rent an apartment) and we get to live in a house, with a yard, in a great neighborhood. Not only do we save quite a bit of money on rent, we also save money through combining resources and sharing some of the load of general home-keeping.
Co-housing benefits we’ve discovered:
By living in a house rather than an apartment, we enjoy:
- A big kitchen – wonderful for bulk cooking and group meals
- A basement – great for storage, extra pantry space, and a chest freezer
- Room to comfortably host overnight guests
- More space for dinner guests and other group hospitality opportunities than an apartment would offer
While sharing a house, we also share:
- Group meals and cooking duties (each family cooks and does dishes three nights per week, which means the other three nights we get home-cooked meals with no cooking and no dishes to do!)
- Household chores
- Free babysitting trade-offs
- Internet service
- A cell phone plan
- Utilities
- Some bulk purchases
- News and magazine subscriptions
- Kid gear for our similarly-aged toddlers
Almost every item on this list is a financial benefit!
It’s also fun! We enjoy a lot of built-in socializing and entertainment, while still saving money.
- We go out to eat much less frequently – with planned at-home meals six nights a week and easy leftovers on our no-cooking night, it’s more convenient to eat at home.
- We can easily take turns leaving sleeping kids for simple date nights without the hassle or expense of hiring a babysitter.
- During daily life, we can work more efficiently together to get things done that save us money in the long run, such as freezer cooking, cleaning, and DIY projects (e.g. sewing, making laundry soap, fixing up a guest room in the basement). Having at least one other adult around most of the time makes life easier and more fun!
Co-housing by choice is not for everyone (we definitely face some challenges due to this lifestyle!), but in this season of building up our savings and caring for our young families, it works for us. And even though it isn’t a utopian arrangement, we feel that it has really helped us to learn about community and brotherly love on a much deeper level, and has strengthened our relationships for life.
How to Pursue Co-Housing
Most people consider roommates to be a feature of their college or single years, but it can work to everyone’s benefit to share housing in less traditional scenarios.
Co-housing or multi-family living situations come in all shapes and sizes. If you are interested in attempting something like this, try to think creatively!
You could:
- Live with parents or other relatives who own a larger house than they use or need
- Rent a house with another couple
- Consider combining a family with a single renter or childless couple or single parent or some other configuration of individuals
Interested?
How To Get Started
- Do some research. Read about or ask people you know who have tried living with relatives or friends about their experiences.
- Identify people* you would be willing to try co-housing with and talk it over with them.
- Once you have the willing parties in place, determine which features are necessary (and/or preferred) for your particular situation, including cost, location, size, layout, and time frame.
- Start looking!
*IMPORTANT: Choosing potentially compatible housemates is something that may take quite a bit of thought, prayer, and wise consideration. Take the time to explore this decision as thoroughly as possible!
Make It A Positive Experience
- Before you move in, take some time to discuss expectations, hopes and fears, and ground rules.
- Expect a bumpy transition! This is likely a big change for every individual involved, and there may be an uncomfortable (but perfectly normal) adjustment period. Work to maintain an atmosphere of patience and grace, especially in the first few months.
- Communicate often, with love, respect, grace and truth. Make an effort to connect frequently and honestly with your housemates – weekly check-ins are a great idea. It is important to place relational health and harmony and the well-being of your marriage and family above financial and convenience factors, and it is not worth ruining relationships just to save a few thousand dollars.
- Have fun! Most likely, this will be a relatively short season in your lives. Try to enjoy the unique opportunities it presents for friendship, community, and memories.
Alexis loves being a wife and mom, and writes about her life, family, faith, and the ins, outs, ups and downs of co-housing at Mined Like a Diamond.
Do you have an idea for a guest post? I am always looking for high-quality, original (i.e. not published anywhere else online) content with tips and ideas Money Saving Mom® readers can use. If you would like to submit a guest post, please follow the Guest Posting Guidelines.
photo by dalylab; Caro’s Lines
Buffy says
Could your guess writer tell me more about how they go about food? Do they pitch in for a set food budget? Or does each family shop for their 3 meals and that covers it?
Sara says
My husband and I lived with his brother for the first three years of our marriage. It was a house his parents own, but don’t currently live in, so we were “rent free.” It worked well, basically because we all worked and were never home. We each had our own t.v. and bathroom, so there was no conflict on that front. The ONLY issues were cleanliness. It was always unclear who’s responsibility it was to vacuum (brother-in-law walked through the house in dirty work boots, it I said it was his :)). And laundry was difficult if we were all home on the weekends trying to get it all done. But other than that, we existed peacefully and have an amazing relationship today.
kriswithmany says
There is one thing not mentioned – putting the agreement in writing. Verbal agreements are forgotten, but written ones can be referred to. Otherwise, very interesting concept. There are only a few people that I would attempt this with, but that’s all it takes to make it happen, right?
Beth says
My husband and I live with his mother and step-father and it’s not perfect, but it’s a wonderful place for us. We sold our house for a very large loss a little over a year ago and last July realized how far behind we were getting. My in-laws not only lent us most of the money it took to get out of our home and avoid foreclosure, but they had offered space in their home for us and we eventually took it, very gratefully.
My daughter is 14 mo. old so it was a big thing for them to take us in with a busy and noisy toddler. I LOVE that she is getting such great exposure to her grandparents(though I’m jealous at times that it’s not with MY parents) and they are SO respectful of how we want to raise her. I realize that this would be very tough for many people to do with their mother-in-law in the home, but I am very blessed to have a mother-in-law who respects me and mine and my husbands’ choices for our child, whether or not she agrees with them.
If not for them, we would be SO incredibly far behind on our bills and would have no chance of catching up. It’s by far no longer typical for this type of situation to be “normal” and it definitely has it’s downfalls, but we are so happy to have made this choice right now. I think it will serve all of us better in our relationships down the line. You get to know people in a very different way when you are with them day in and day out than you do when you simply visit them occasionally on weekends or go out for dinner together.
I don’t often get alone time in the house or have full reign in the kitchen during dinner time, but the benefits far outweigh the downfalls and I am so thankful for the opportunity our family has given us to get in the right financial place!
Ashley says
I live overseas in a country where it is very common for multiple generations to live together in MUCH smaller spaces. We have several sets of friends who have 4 adults (2 grand parents, 2 parents) and 2 kids living in a 2 bedroom apartment… and many of them like it! I actually think that people in the culture where I live get to experience a blessing that many Americans do not have the chance to experience. Our culture values personal space and freedom over relational closeness in many ways. It takes work for sure to be able to live with people, but I have seen that in many circumstances the blessings that come from deeply formed relationships have a much more profound value than the freedom and comfort afforded by personal space. In the culture here people are often much more sacrificial and willing to help one another out, especially when it comes to close friends or relatives. People in this culture really know what it means to depend on others and be depended upon, and it is an amazing thing to see. I will say though that our culture has not taught us well how to live this way, AND that it is not any of our faults for not knowing automatically how to make a situation like this work. We simply have not been raised this way and it is not something that you can force yourself to know how to do well. It will surely take much work and learning. We have co-housed for the short term (about 4 months), and it was a wonderful experience for us, as well as a learning experience. Obviously there are many things to take into consideration and cautions to be aware of, but I definitely do think that co-housing comes along with many treasured blessings that extend far beyond the financial savings… which are also great.
Annie says
We are currently doing this with my parents. It has been a blessing for us. It is tight and there are some logistical things that neede to be worked out. My husband lost his job recently and with it the housing provided by the place he worked for. We share the cooking and cleaning responsibilities (though my mom really does ost of the cooking), and we split groceries, since we all eat together. It has been neat to see the way my (small) children have had opportunity to bond further with my parents, and it has provided grounds for further training. My parents are very understanding about their role as grandparents and not parents. Discipline needs to happen and they allow us to discipline as we see fit, without interfereing and they also do not try and tell us how they did it, unless we ask. It would not be for everyone, but this is something we had talked about doing eventually anyway. It can be really beneficial, but you have to go in recognizing that everything isn’t going to be all roses and butterflies, that ther will be an adjustment period, and also a “honeymoon” period. Going in with clear expectations, and being willing to be a little flexible on them too goes a long way to making it work.
Anne says
We’re going on one year of co-housing with my sister. We originally came up with the idea when my husband and I were in the market to buy a house. It’s a great financial situation because my sister’s rent is lower now and we have extra money for savings, home improvement projects, etc. We see the situation as helping each other out financially and the only way it works is because we have a good relationship with her. We share food, bills and chores. The best part is, we had a live-in dog sitter when we went on vacation. I completely agree that ground rules/expectations need to be discussed before. We went through every scenario and how we felt about it. It really helped to give us as much privacy as possible and establish some rules. Of course we’ve had a few times where we annoyed each other, but we have always been able to talk it through and work it out. We couldn’t do this with just anyone, but this situation has worked out for us.
Tana Harper says
This is actually something my husband and I have been doing for about 6 months and now we’re signing another lease for a year with our roommate! Some people think it’s weird when we tell them that we live with a single female but we are the all the same age, have similar interests, and get along great. It works for us because we like having the extra help with the rent and enjoy having someone else to hang out with. She like the agreement so she doesn’t have to live alone and she feels safer having a male in the house. All in all, this situation has proved to be very rewarding for all. As long as you keep some things separate, and share others, everyone will feel as though they are part of one family….not just strangers in a home.
Jennifer says
We recently sold our 5 bedroom home and downsized.
At the height of our “renting” days, we had 3 people living/renting with us, one of which was my sister. Our downstairs had 2 bedrooms w/full bath so that was an “apartment”. The younger guy rented that area.
We rented a bedroom to another guy that was only there M-F and then my sister had her own room. The guys shared the downstairs (apt) bath, while hubby, sister and I shared the upstairs bath.
The 2 guys were guys from my husband’s army unit so we knew them well. The rent we collected paid over half the mortgage and allowed us a little more room for “fun” things, like high speed internet and a belated honeymoon.
One of the guys lived with us for 5 years (the M-F guy). He worked full time with my hubby, but his wife/family was about 2 hours away. He was waiting for a job to open up at the Army facility near his home. We charged him far less than he was paying for an apartment.
I shared my kitchen and laundry facilities, but everyone was responsible for their own dishes, laundry, food, clean-up, etc. Occasionally, someone would make a nice dinner for everyone. But mostly, the guys kept to themselves.
It took some getting used to, after the last guy moved out. We had only lived there (just the two of us) for 2 months before the guys moved in.
If we had the room, I would possibly consider it again. Probably not with family though…
beth says
I love this idea!
Alexis says
Thanks for all of the feedback, everyone!
I really appreciate Crystal’s willingness to post this, and the wisely emphasized note of caution she added at the beginning of the article.
There are a lot of different perspectives and concerns noted throughout the comments that I will probably follow up on more on my blog, rather than take up too much space here.
Once again, I appreciate the many reasons you all have given to proceed cautiously down this path and am sorry to hear about the damaging co-housing situations some of you have endured.
I also loved hearing some of the positive stories people shared!
As Crystal has often said, every family is different and what works for some people just doesn’t for others.
damien@freestuff4free says
Great article. I think all the comments have basically covered off all the pros and cons. For me personally I wouldn’t do it, but from a sustainable/environmental living point of view it is a great concept. For someone trying to be a good steward, this might be a good way to go. Opening up your house to others is a great way for fellowship and communing and can lead to some rewarding relationships.
Chelsea says
When I was in middle school, we had a family live with us for several months after losing their home to financial hardship. I loved it, but then I was a kid and enjoyed the extra playmates! Their 3 kids plus our 4 made it kind of crazy for my mom I’m sure, but I have fond memories of the experience.
My grandfather lived with us for about 10 years as I was growing up, and it was also a great experience. He and I shared a bathroom, so I learned a little humility in cleaning/sharing a space together. Though he might have had run-ins with my parents, I was always glad to have been able to spend time with him growing up. He would drive us to school and help my mom shuttle us to sports’ events before he couldn’t drive anymore.
Susanne says
Sheesh! We’re actually working towards getting a home big enough for my inlaws. We believe family should be responsible for taking care of one another. Co-living is an awesome idea. Also, if we had a bigger home, we would have the opportunity to take other families in after my inlaws pass (they are quite elderly). Not only should we as Christians be looking after our own families, but we should also be looking after our Christian families.
Great idea and not new at all!
Susan Reinhardt says
Hi Crystal –
Aside from the many relationship issues, people need to find out whether their town/city has ordinances about unrelated people sharing a house or overcrowding.
Susan
Jessica says
I have to agree with many of the comments above. My husband and I lived in China for 2 years and witnessed a very high ratio of families living multi-generationally, with other families, or singles living with other singles. This is not an unusual arrangement in other cultures. During our sabbaticals from China, we lived with his parents one summer, and with mine (who still have teenagers at home) the other summer. It was definitely a rich time of getting to know one another better!
As others have said, even in our own country, it is not an arrangement that is too far in our past. My grandparents had a large family and lived in town. Other children lived with them during the week while they went to school, and then returned to their family farms on the weekends. Recently my husband’s parents took in his 92 year old grandfather as he has become too old to care for himself any longer. I just read an article recently about the pastor/writer Francis Chan (author of Crazy Love). His family has opened their home to living with other families as a form of ministry. I also read recently (front page of the newspaper) that the current economy has dramatically increased the number of families pooling their resources in this way.
My husband was laid off from his youth ministry position 2 months ago, and now we are living with my parents again to save on expenses while we look for work. It really is not the trial we thought it would be back when we were newlyweds. We have a 15 month old and a second child due in December, and it is great living with family who help to care for us in our time of need, while we look for work. I do think this a great topic of discussion, and one we shouldn’t be quick to dismiss when considering solutions to our economic struggles. I say, give it a chance! You never know what God might teach you through living in such an intentionally intimate situation. 🙂
Deidra says
Personally I wouldn’t do it with non relatives. Or even some relatives. I’m going to say something that nobody wants to think of: SEXUAL and CHILD ABUSE. It happens and it happens EVERY day. You have to think of your kids first – not whether it’s cheaper, or whether it’ll allow you to have that beautiful home you ever dream of, or whether you’ll be able to leave your kid with someone – consider whether or not the kids will be safe with these people. Especially if they are young and unable to tell you what’s wrong. Be careful people!
Cori says
Wow, I am shocked how controversial this topic is! I can’t believe how many people are against this! Especially as Christians, I can’t imagine a more applicable way to live out the gospel as the early Church in Acts did. I am not saying everyone is called to this, but it makes me sad to see how many people have harsh words to say regarding their decision.
My husband and I have been in 3 different co-housing situations in the past 4 years and have loved it! When we owned our home, it was bigger than we needed so we always welcomed people to live in our basement! We had two different married couples (one seminary couple and another who just moved here), and now we are living in my in-laws basement with our daughter. What a wonderful experience for us to have and a great opportunity for us to save up enough cash to buy our next home without a mortgage payment!
Martha Artyomenko says
LOL! Some times I think people over think things. An Affair will happen if you are allowing yourself to have an affair, not from living close to one another. I think if we look in the bible, if we are christians, the Early church ate together, did more things communally than we did.
Affairs are sin, and only sin. You can tempted to have an affair anywhere, and it cannot be blamed on living with another family. It taught me alot of self sacrificing, giving to others. When i was 17 and i gave up my bedroom for a family who needed it, and moved my bed to a niche in the basement…it was uncomfortable, but I have never been sorry we helped them like that. Yes, there were issues that can come from living together that you would not deal with otherwise, but there are issues that are solved as well that you would have, if you did not live that way.
Anyhow, it is funny how different people’s life choices can make everyone defensive of their choices…..
Emily says
@Martha Artyomenko, While I agree with your statement, the reality is that you can’t control someone else’s feelings or temptations. I think in a family situation, it’s fine to live together. But I think you can POTENTIALLY cross a dangerous line when living with someone you’re not related to. Feelings can develop that are inappropriate and even if no one ACTS on those feelings, it can cause real problems. It may be completely unintentional, but it could very well happen and I don’t think it’s worth potentially risking a marriage over. I have known a very committed “Christian” (only God knows that heart) that had an affair, and while he greatly regretted it, it still happened. I don’t know, I think it’s too risky.
Martha Artyomenko says
@Emily,
I agree….I just think it can happen just as easily not living together….and that is not really a reason for not doing it. It is not without it’s drawbacks…I honestly think it is funny as that was never one of the drawbacks I would have thought of….and we grew up doing it and lived this way after marriage too. That was never an issue with my experience.
Reesa says
Personally, I would never consider something like this with non-relatives. My reasons are more based on my own personality than anything else.
For me, I think they only way something like this would work would be if it were with our siblings (not parents) and the house allowed me to have down time to myself. I would need my own den that I did not share with the other family. For example, I am still nursing my 2 year old. I don’t like going away to the bedroom to nurse her. I like to stay with the family in the den or living room. I can’t cover up a 2 year old either. We are beyond the cover days.
I like the idea though of sharing things like a swing set, kitchen equipment, household responsibilities, etc.
Carrie says
My husband and I lived with my parents when we were first married, and we LOVED it!
They didn’t charge us rent, since they had no mortgage to pay, so we could save everything we earned toward purchasing our own house. (We knew what we wanted in a house and were willing to wait until we found it, instead of just buying “any old house”). We lived in the basement, my parents lived upstairs.
We were able to share household duties, and with my husband’s long work hours, I didn’t have to stay home alone when he wasn’t there.
My husband also got to bond really well with my parents, since his live hours away.
When we finally found our house, it was just around the block from my parents and now my son has an amazing bond with them as well!
An added money-saver was that when we had car problems, we could take it to the cheapest place (quality work, even though it would take longer) since we could share vehicles with my parents, we didn’t have to rent a car or miss work due to no vehicle. (Live in the suburbs, public transportation isn’t an option)
We had an amazing experience, and while it isn’t for everyone, it is definitely worth it (monetarily and emotionally) if it can work for you!
Margaret Lind says
My suggestion: Watch Judge Judy every day for one week before attempting this!
Alexis says
@Margaret Lind, Ha ha!
Alicia says
Thanks for posting this. My husband’s cousin is currently living with us. We have five children and live in a three bedroom house. Though space is tight, it has been a tremendous help financially for our family. I’m thankful Alexis noted that it is not a utopia, because it’s not. We have our share of conflict, but it’s just another way God is growing us. Like marriage and parenting it is knocking the pride and selfishness out of us. I agree that much thought and prayer should go before this decision. When we were first considering the arrangement, God brought my attention to two verses Psalm 68:6a “God setteth the solitary in families.” and Isaiah 58:6-7 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:…Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—…and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?” When things get tough, I come back to these verses.
Before modern household appliances were available, it was impractical if not impossible for a person to live alone. We had naysayers who tried and still try to talk us out of this arrangement. They don’t understand our decision. I know it’s because they wouldn’t want to have someone living with them, but ultimately, it isn’t about what we want, but whether or not this is what God wants for us.
I guess I’m saying, don’t go into this for the sole purpose of saving money, but, don’t let your American independence keep you from considering it. If money is tight for you or someone you are in relationship with, this might be how God will provide. I thing Alexis summed it up well with this sentence, “And even though it isn’t a utopian arrangement, we feel that it has really helped us to learn about community and brotherly love on a much deeper level, and has strengthened our relationships for life.”
Alexis says
@Alicia, Thank you! We really do feel that this is where God has us right now. It has been a blessing, but it has also been hard. Ultimately, the greatest benefits have been immaterial – closer relationships, spiritual growth, learning how to deal with conflict in a healthy way, etc. And while we do save some money, it wasn’t our primary motivation, which has probably helped us to stick with it and work through things at times in a way that money might not have.
Emma K says
I think this is a great idea for certain situations but definately not for everyone.
I do know several military families whose husbands are deployed and the wives decided to become roommates during that time. Both ladies did not have children and it helped with loneliness and finances.
MarySunshine says
Thanks for sharing this article. For two years, my husband and I rented a room in our house to a friend who wanted to save money to pay off his credit card debt. That experience was a blessing to all of us. My husband and I found out that I was pregnant about a month before Derek moved in, and he kept us laughing during my crazy pregnant mood swings. When I spent a month in the hospital on bed rest, he was at home, encouraging my husband, who had just started a new job. And when our twin baby boys came home, Derek shared in the sleepless nights, saw our kids take their first steps, and became known as “Uncle Derek.” And since his parents had relocated halfway across the country, we became his family; he ate meals with us, played with our kids, and spent holidays with us. He was a considerate tenant, paying his rent on time and pitching in around the house; but when his finances were stable, he moved out. We were sad to see him go, because he had become a part of our family. He lives nearby and visits often, but we miss his presence in our daily routine.
Rae says
While it’s not for everyone, it can be great. When my husband first joined the military, I stayed with my parents while I was pregnant (and then until my son was 10 months old). It was an opportunity for us to save up money. And saved me from having to move all the way across the country by myself w/ a new baby (and also for my parents to get to know my son as they would have missed everything if I had left) while my husband was in school and then in Iraq. We contributed to the food bill and of course I helped clean and I paid my cell phone bill but all the rest of our money went into savings. I went out like twice with friends during that entire time and that was it. We were able to pay cash for our cars and also have an emergency fund which for such a young couple is pretty rare. And looking back on the situation, I am so glad it happened that way and so are my parents. Now I would never be able to do this with my in-laws (one week with them when they visit is more than enough for me) but I have no regrets. I would also welcome my sister to move in with us anytime she wants.
And right now my husband is renting a room with a family while he is stationed in California (we are not going out until next summer because he will most likely be going to Japan for 6 months soon). It was a few hundred dollars per month cheaper than even getting a studio apartment and we are still paying for our house where we are living so this is a good arrangement for us as well.
Mar says
This is not a “new” idea. Many Latin, Near Eastern & Asian families live under the same roof in the U.S. Our family tradition is to live close to each other-like next door or combined families. Of course, every situation has its not so fun factors. How sad that so many of the people that have commented don’t like any of their relatives. Seriously you all don’t have even ONE relative that you like? I have lived with friends & family and I learned a lot from all of these experiences-most importantly I learned that you will have serious issues come up with EVERY person you live with -I don’t care if its your Mom, the love of your life, best friend, etc.
Darrell says
We have totally done this and really enjoyed it! My husband and I were often hanging out at our friends’ house and it was sort of suggested that we share a duplex. We all thought that the space was a little small and ended up sharing a larger house.
My husband and I had been married about 6 months and the other couple had been married several years and had a 6 yr old son. It was great to live with another couple that had a good marriage and just have that shown to us daily(not perfect, just nice and not argumentative). The other couple had upstairs bedrooms, we had part of the basement. We all shared bathroom, downstairs den, upstairs living room, kitchen, and laundry area.
Anyways, great memories, I was preggo and had our first baby while living there:)
Dana @ Budget Dietitian says
I love this article!! While I completely understand where some of the other comments are coming from, my husband and I have had 3 different families live with us over the past 6 years. And it has been nothing but a blessing for us!
In fact, we have a single woman living with us right now. She is a good friend who I have known since I was a freshman in high school. Her apartment flooded so she is living with us for free (actually babysitting services) until she gets on her feet.
I would encourage families to consider this. It has been wonderful to help people get back on their feet while sharing our home. Again, it has been BLESSED our family.
Melodie says
Back in the day, it was much more common for American families to share one roof. Most other cultures even today still do it. We have become so accustomed to doing things our own ways that mingling with other households or dealing with two “heads of households/managers of the kitchen” in the same house can be a little rough. If you can work through the troubles and learn to respect each other’s ways of life, then great. But if one or both parties are not willing to compromise on some of the main issues of finances or housekeeping or basic house rules or child rearing or etc., things get sticky fast and relationships can be strained indefinitely even after new arrangements can be made.
Ideally, this would be awesome. Realistically though, I know of hundreds of wonderful families that I simply would not even try this with because I’d be afraid I wouldn’t think they were wonderful after all was said and done. I might be able to do it with my sister’s family for a while, or perhaps with some exchange students living in our basement or something where we can still have authority structures and respect for each other’s privacy. Other than that, it could be a rough road.
sabrina says
My family of 5, husband and 11, 5, and 1 year old kids lived with my dad and step mom for 4 months while looking for a house after selling ours. My dad and I do not have the closest relationship and our opinion differs on certain matters. However, God was in the midst of this situation and it was amazing how well it went. I think our families grew closer because of this time. I am grateful to have had the opportunity. Now it was harder for my husband to be under his father-n-law. I would suggest really talking this out as a couple before deciding to take this venture. For us it was a God devined time.
Elle B. says
Yikes! No thanks. I love my sister & her husband dearly, and would open my home to them temporarily if they were in a financial crisis, but I do not think that this is a good, long-term solution for saving money. Personally, I’d rather take on a 3rd job than share such close quarters with family friends or relatives.
Marie says
You have a beautiful home, but things would have to be seriously desperate for me to live with any of my family members, and even then it would have to be a temporary situation!
Kate says
Crystal,
Your disclaimer for this excellent post saddens and disappoints me, and clearly set a tone for the comments.
Cohousing is not a new concept–far from it. Multiple generations of people have lived together under one roof for a very long time now, sharing resources and childcare and food and tasks. Having each family unit in separate housing is a fairly new concept, and one that makes it much harder for all of us to be good stewards of God’s Earth and the resources He provides us with. Mothering Magazine put out an excellent article about multigenerational housing last year, called Three Generations, One Roof.
In recent years, cohousing communities, where families all share a common piece of land, have become more popular. Two Echo Cohousing in Brunswick, ME, is an example of this type of community. Residents share about 90 acres of common land. More information on that type of cohousing here. http://mothering.com/green-living/cohousing-it-takes-village-raise-child
Naturally, it isn’t for everyone. Your disclaimer is unnecessary. We all know that not everything on your blog is for everyone. I don’t do the religious thing or the minimalist wardrobe thing, but I just chalk it up (as you yourself usually do for most things) to “doing what works for me”.
Kate
Jaclyn says
@Kate, I agree somewhat -I don’t think a disclaimer was necessary. Maybe its a cultural thing but to me this seems natural. I think that anytime you live with someone you run into issues – whether its your parents, college roommates, or with your spouse.
Crystal says
@Jaclyn, I’m sorry that you were disappointed and saddened, however, I felt the disclaimer was necessary — especially since this article focused more on the *positives* of this living arrangement.
I can’t please everyone and definitely know that I likely disappoint people hundreds of times every day, but I do try not to offend or irritate people if I can help it. 🙂
Thanks to everyone for the thoughts — both positive and negative — on this article.
Missi says
@Kate, I’m sorry to hear that you were disappointed by Crystal’s disclaimer. It appears to me that Money Saving Mom is a reflection of Crystals thoughts, ideas, beliefs, etc. so I believe its an excellent idea to note on posts where she disagrees, has a different opinion, etc. (which she has done in several posts). In this particular case, there are many important factors to consider such as legality (in many places co-housing is illegal), dynamics of families, and safety. Although I agree with the poster that this arrangement may be a blessing, its also a serious decision that should not be taken lightly. While I try to use discernment in deciding if ideas shared on blogs are right for me, it is sometimes difficult not to automatically agree/try out a post from a blogger that you enjoy and trust. I hope that I do not sound harsh in my comment, I only meant to offer another thought.
Meghan says
This isn’t for everyone. You definitely have to be very comfortable in your relationship with you spouse and in your relationship with the other person(s). My biggest advice is that you map out alone time, by yourself and with your spouse.
Due to illnesses and job moves, my husband and I have co-lived with varying degrees of family over the last year. Sometimes it works… my husband loves when my mom, a chef, lives with us. Sometimes it doesn’t… my in laws, however, only allow us to stay in their home if we agree to guilt trips, passive aggressive attacks and groveling (on our part).
I was recently injured (I can no longer walk, use my left hand, take care of myself) and have a long recovery period ahead of me (year+). My mom will permanently be moving in with us and we are considering letting friends move in to to help with bills.
Luckily, our home is on the large size – 2500 sq ft, 500 sq ft pool house, and in ground pool – so we have the room and amenities. That is another important factor. You need to make sure that everyone has room to breathe.
In other words, if this is something you really want to consider, really think it over ahead of time. Think about going on a weekend trip with the other person(s) first. You’d be amazed how quickly you can discover you cant live with someone.
Alexis says
@Meghan, I totally agree with you about thinking through everything long and hard before committing, and especially your comment about being comfortable in your relationships – with your spouse and potential housemates.
Several other people have expressed some serious concern about this kind of choice endangering marriages. That is not something to take lightly, and should be a major part of the thought process when considering whether this would be a good idea for your family.
Noah says
I think in the right situation and house this can work. My husband and I were just talking about how we wished we could find a duplex to live right next to my sister and her family. We definitely need our own living space, but it’d be nice to have that “community” and “help” nearby. I also wish my in-laws lived next door (But not in my house!). I really think one thing we lack this day and age are communities that help each other out. Once it was no longer necessary to pull together for survival (for preserving food and such), it’s an element that has been lost.
Bethany says
This is a concept I’ve heard from a couple different people — including my 16YO niece who thinks it would be “great!” and she’s serious. While I can see some real advantages with the right mix, I think its very hard for two women to live in the same household because let’s face it, we DO run and control our households — I “run” my house differently (two young boys) then my mom does and much differently than my sister (who has a teenager). Unless we had a big enough house that each person could have some alone time if they needed it, one of us would probably throttle the other one eventually.
Michelle says
Not all city ordinances will allow for more than one family per home. Where I live, there is a law against more than one family per house.
Crystal says
Great point.
Emily says
We rent half of our duplex to our best friends. Two of us were roommates before we all got married, so we knew we could live together. It’s great! Free babysitting (for them–free baby time for us!), shared dinners, someone to go on walks with. But we have our own kitchens and bathrooms, so we can have our own time if we need it.
Carrie says
I think our society has lost a lot with the decline of families living together. Unfortunately most of us have been brought up with certain expectations that would make learning to share with other families quite a challenge.
I like this post a lot — thanks for opening up our minds to things we would not have ordinarily thought of without considering it a huge hardship.
P.S. I have also met friends who lived in a larger, more organized co-housing community. I thought it was not for me, but it was still very interesting and worth learning more about.
Alexis says
@Carrie, Thanks! I feel like it has been a great personal growth experience for me, as some of the challenges we’ve encountered helped me examine underlying attitudes of entitlement & comparison, and see areas of selfishness and weakness more clearly.
Marsha says
The piece’s author mentions that her family experienced pitfalls. I think it would have been helpful to be more specific – what kind? of what duration? How were they handled? While certainly not intending to plumb for personal details, and every co-housing relationship will be unique, having concrete information in both the positive and negative would be useful to anyone considering such a move.
Crystal says
If you check out her blog, she’s talked pretty extensively on how it worked and the difficulties they’ve encountered.
Karen says
@Marsha, I agree! Some general advice along those lines would have been helpful, even if the author could not go into specific detail.
Alexis says
@Marsha, Sorry I wasn’t able to go into more detail about that here. I wanted to keep it reasonably short, and stay focused on the financial benefits and basic first steps. But I think you are right that more information about the downsides and challenges we’ve faced would be helpful. Like Crystal said, I have started to share more about those things on my blog and do intend to continue exploring all of the facets of shared housing that I can think of to serve as a resource in this area and encourage and inform others. Even though every co-housing dynamic is different, as you said, I am hoping that by going into more “personal details” myself, our experiences may help provide a bit of a roadmap for others in similar situations.
Martha Artyomenko says
Great thoughts! In growing up, we had other families live with us and we lived with other families on occasion. When I got married the first couple years of married life, my sister and her husband and my husband and I, shared apartments/houses. It saved us alot of money and made our relationship stronger, plus kept us from being so lonely.
Later we formed a community where we all pooled money, but had separate small houses to save money. I liked this better as you still had your own stuff, but we did eat together often sometimes, worked together and those people are still my closest friends.
It has drawbacks, but I think, if you are going to lose your house, you might as well do something like this and save it.
Dominique says
My husband and I opened our home to his sister and her fiance. At first it was purely for their benefit. They were having a rough time financially and we had extra space.
However the rent they pay goes to extra mortgage payments to our home. We share the cooking, cleaning and errands. And since both the men work long hours at work, it give me and her a chance to socialize and work on joint projects.
We are even starting a side business while the men folk are at work.
There are challenges but we work through them as we go. I’ll be sad to see them leave when they get back on their feet.
Lianna says
First off I LOVE that house! I want to see more pictures.
While I will be the first to say this this arrangement is not for everyone it can work. I am currently doing it and my husband and three kids and have been doing it with another family for 10 years now. It has been FANTASTIC. We built our house and it is sort of an up/down duplex. We each have our own living spaces but we do share an awful lot. We have benefited hugely financially from these but just as much relationally.
Alexis says
@Lianna, I wish that was our house! Crystal provided those pictures.
Lana says
Our oldest daughter and her husband share an apartment with his single sister. Daughter and husband returned from the mission field in July just as the sister was losing her roommate. Since jobs had to be found and life re-established stateside this was a great arrangement for them as the transition was easier. The lease was for only 8 months after moving in so they felt that it would be an okay arrangement for that long. It has worked out fine and allowed them time to get going again and look for more permanent housing for later. I personally could never do this as I like my own space but my daughter is more of a free spirit type so she is fine with it.
Courtney says
While it’s an interesting idea, I can’t imagine this working out well for most people. I think that having your own space and family life is very important.
brookeb says
@Courtney, It’s actually more of a recent cultural thing for us. As a society we keep moving toward having more individual space for each family member, whereas 50 or 100 years ago that wasn’t as much of an issue. In other countries there often isn’t as much space for families to spread out either.
Martha Artyomenko says
@brookeb,
It is a more recent cultural thing. We have gotten more and more this way, where we require more space, privacy and other things. In Communist Russia, it was very normal to have public baths (no showers in the house) and share kitchens sometimes as far as i understand.
Marsha says
@Martha Artyomenko,
This is true, certainly. It is worth considering, though, that many people emigrate specifically to get away from their (metaphorical and literal) villages! We have a diary from an ancestor who left crowded conditions in the “old country” to brave the unknown specifically because he felt nothing could be as bad as living with so many people! It’s that kind of independent individuality that informs so much of our culture – we’re made of people like that!
Lauren says
@brookeb, We live in an 1889 house, and people who have always lived in the ‘burbs don’t really understand how you can’t exactly “get away” somewhere in our house when they visit. 🙂
Lucky says
I think I could do this with my brother and his wife who has kids, but never ever ever with my parents or in-laws! Interesting post.
Vanessa says
I have done this two times.Once with my aunt and then with my parents.Both times we were all miserable.It was not worth the money saved.Hopefully I will not have to do this again.
Busy Mama says
We did something similar with my brother and his wife for about 5 years, and it was a great blessing to both our families. We lived in a house with a finished walk-out basement, complete with a kitchen. My husband and I had no children and lived in the smaller basement apartment, while my brother and his wife lived in the main house and grew to become a family of four while we were living together. We did, however, enjoy much more private and individual family time than was described above as we both had individual kitchens and living spaces. Basically, we paid rent to my brother which he applied to the mortgage (he was buying the house), shared utility expenses, shared laundry facilities/storage/garage spaces, and shared outdoor responsibilities. Even now, 15 years later, we enjoy a special bond (which continues on with our children – 6 between us) from this season in our lives. Yes, we had challenges – two women in a house will guarantee that! But we also had 4 adults working together to make the situation work. Open communication and mutual respect are key!
Alexis says
@Busy Mama, Thanks for sharing your experience – I love hearing about other people who have tried something like this. “Open communication and mutual respect are key” – I couldn’t agree more.
anonymous says
Proceed carefully. I now share my house with someone and it has gone very wrong. He refuses to leave. What starts off happily doesn’t always end that way.
Samantha N says
My single brother-in-law lives with us, and it has worked out great. He has his own room, bathroom and living room, so we have space apart, but also spend time together. He started living with us before we had kids, and now my daughter is 14 months, and they have a great relationship, that she would have otherwise missed out on. In our situation it has been great!
sherry says
Interesting article. In our economic times, I think we may see more people do this or something similar. Growing up, both my aunts and Grandma lived with us. Although there were problems/tensions occasionally, I enjoyed it-but then I was a child. Interesting thing is, with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and 7 people, there never seemed to be any logistics problems. Times sure have changed!
Naomi says
I absolutely must agree with Emily. Even in a case where this would involve siblings, there have been plenty of people who have had affairs w/ a bro. or sis.-inlaw. In the case of a single person living w/ a family, I think it might be okay under very strict circumstances. In fact, I lived w/ family friends for a summer when I was in college, but I was very careful not to hang around too much when it was just me and the husband at home alone (and we took care to try not to let this happen very often). Unfortunately, these things DO happen, and I would never jeopardize my marriage and family just to save a little cash. I think there are lots of other, less dangerous, ways to do that.
Charity says
@Naomi, I agree with you wholeheartedly, and I’m very glad that Crystal put the disclaimer/note in there!
Emily says
My mom and another single mother friend of hers (who had a daughter that was my best friend) bought a house together when I was a kid. My mom’s kids plus her friends kids made for 5 kids in the household. My friend relationship with her daughter my age turned into more of a sibling relationship that kind of damaged our friendship for the long term. A few years later my mom’s friend’s family needed to move and then it was tough for my mom to continue maintaining the large home on her own. Not sure why we didn’t move but… just something to think about.
Jiya says
If you are interested in trying c0-housing, I would recommend a trial period before committing to anything. My in-laws often stay with us for extended visits (4 – 6 months at a time), and although I love them dearly and it is helpful to have an extra set of hands with the kids, it is very hard to share our home with someone for such a long time. A lot of little things, that are easy to ignore when visiting, can escalate into big conflicts, especially over child raising. After having a few “trial visits” like this, we’ve decided not to do co-housing with relatives.
Shantique says
@Jiya, The child raising issues can drive you nuts! Also, thankful I did not have my kids when living with my in-laws. My MIL is a very loving woman, but could not grasp things like “back to sleep” and infants sleeping in cribs, not beds. The things that were different when she raised her kids. The worst is food! She was constantly trying to give my kids things, before they were ready (lettuce to an 8 month old with no teeth!) or peanut butter before age 2. Then my oldest has a true milk allergy (not lactose intolerant) that cause her to puke profusely and have the runs for many days. She constantly “forgets” about this and attempts to feed my daughter things like yogurt and cheese and butter. My true feeling is she does not forget, she simply thinks that we exagerrate about it. I feel this way because she is always asking me “have you tried reintroducing it to her in little bits to see how she does?” I’m like, she was tested when she turned one, she had a follow up to confirm with another prick test 6 months ago…nothing has changed! We work with an allergist and will continue to monitor, by proper testing. Not by filling her body with something that makes her so sick! When I am made aware someone has an allergy, I read every label or ask the parent before giving them something…she visited last week and gave her a gogurt “by accident” Sure enough my daughter was puking for the next 18 hours (not able to keep anything down) and had the runs for 3 days. I don’t for her to suffer that way, especially when reading a label for two seconds can help avoid it!
Kandice says
@Shantique,
I’m always saddened to hear when people deliberately do things like this. As hard as it can be, tough love is a helpful tool. You are your child’s advocate and if she cannot learn the follow the rules you have set for your DD, she should not be allowed to spend time alone with her. I’m also a food allergy parent. Managing family members can be a tough road, but our #1 job is to keep our kids safe. I invite you to check out a non-profit community for parents like us called Kids with Food Allergies (www.kidswithfoodallergies.org). It’s an amazing community with support, recipes, and BTDT advice. There’s even a support thread dedicated to dealing with family members 😉
Shantique says
@Kandice, Thank you so much Kandice, thankfully, she still lives in CT while we’re in GA! It’s not often I leave my children alone with her! I’m just glad my DD’s allergy isn’t life threatening. I don’t like for her to be in pain, but that is preferable to the fear of a more serious allergy. I so wish, she WOULD outgrow it. I cannot imagine life without PIZZA and ICE CREAM!! I very much appreciate the support. Recipes is the biggest thing for me. It is so HARD doing stuff for her, especially since she doesn’t handle soy so well either. She’s on rice milk 🙁
Alexis says
@Jiya, I agree, a trial period is a great way to start something like this, whenever possible! Our trial period was about 6 months, and it honestly took some time for us to decide whether or not to continue. We did commit to another year, which is going very well, but it was not a decision we made lightly.
anonymous says
I would not recommend living with parents/inlaws if you are raising children of your own. In some cases this could work, but in many cases the parents/inlaws can find it difficult not to interfere (with the best of intentions) with your child-raising. I realize in some cultures this is the norm, and that some people find themselves in this situation not by choice, but if at all possible, I think it is better not to do so.
Rachal says
@anonymous,
Amen! I would definitely agree!!!!
Shantique says
@anonymous, I will speak from experience. I have had the “pleasure :)” of living with both my in-laws and my mom at different points in our marriage. When we lived with my in-laws, we had sold our condo for a good amount and wanted to save money to be able to get financially stable (e-fund and $ for a down payment on our own place). We lived in their basement with our 3 cats. It was an ok situation in the beginning because they were not home much and it was a great commute for my hubby and myself. Then, there was horrible rains and their drainage system that was supposed to pull excess water away from the house backed up into our “home”. Some of our furniture that was in storage was destroyed and then the place forever had an awful mildewy smell. We also found out about 6 months in that we were expecting our daughter (to our surprise). Some battles arose when we tried looking for our own place and one minute they said his mom would watch the baby and the next she couldn’t (which made our home purchase a bit more difficult). Also, his mother was VERY opinionated about everything having to do with the baby shower and all else baby. We finally bought a different home and moved out about 4 months before our first daughter was born. I don’t think living with her with my kids would go over well.
This past July after my husband being out of work for 2 years, we simply could no longer afford our home. All our e-funds, retirement fund, everything had been exhausted. We decided to move in with my mom (from CT to GA). I was able to transfer my job within my company and my husband found a job about a month ago. The tough things here are that my mom is a shopaholic and we have trouble keeping up with her expectations on food expenses. I had wanted to just continue what I always did for my family and let her and my sister do their own thing. She did not like that and so we set about planning meals together and splitting some of the shopping and then doing our own for things like personal care and things that are specifically for my children. However, she LOVES to go grocery shopping. She is one of those people that just buys with no intent. Problem is we will do all our planning and buy what we were supposed to…then she will buy additional things and expect me to contribute or worse, not ask to contribute and then lay guilt trips! I am trying to work through this with her, because she blows my budget out of the water EVERY WEEK! Also, being that we moved so far from our few friends and my husband’s whole family, we are a bit lonely.
These are just things we have to work through so this arrangement can benefit everyone. Also, I agree with setting ground rules everyone can live with before hand. Everytime I tried to do this with my mom, she always said “Don’t worry!” It makes the conversations more difficult later!
Carrie says
@Shantique,
If your mother loves to shop, let her! Just decide on the budget before hand, give her your portion of the money, and when it is gone, it’s gone.
That way she knows you have contributed, and whatever else she decides to add will have to come out of her part of the budget.
If she tries to come back for more money, there should be no guilt, since you DID contribute half of the grocery budget. Just remind her of this, and be guilt free!
Shantique says
@Carrie, Easier said than done, Crystal…she’s my mommy! She knows how to make me feel guilty…I hope I never do this to my children!!
Carrie says
@anonymous, I agree. Even with my parents, whom I love dearly, after a full day, I’m very thankful that I have a home to go back to!
Emily says
While on the surface this seems like a fantastic idea and a great way to save money, I think that you have to be very, very careful about trying this. I think that living with another adult of the opposite sex that you are unrelated and unmarried to could cause some serious problems. Even if everyone enters into it with good intentions, it could potentially have some very negative consequences. I think that ultimately it’s not a wise decision and that saving money isn’t worth the alternative.
Crystal says
I definitely agree that there could be serious pitfalls, which is one reason for the important note in this post. However, I think in some cases — especially in cases where it’s family members or a single person living with a family, etc — that it could work out well.
Sam says
@Emily,
I agree! This could be very dangerous!
Not worth it!
Amanda says
@Sam, It was TOTALLY worth it for us. My husband and I did this with our best friends for 14 months. They had 2 foster children and a baby, and we just paid them a couple hundred dollars a month and baby-sitting. In that time, we were able to save up 30K to buy a place of our own PLUS it inspired us to be foster parents too :).
Amanda says
@Amanda, Yup, you are right Laura, it IS a huge responsibility. But, honestly, God does great work through tough and challenging situations. We have only had our foster son and daughter living with us for 2 months, but I know that we have been forever changed and so have they!! As far as living with another family, it worked REALLY well for us, but it certainly isn’t for everyone.
Sarah says
My friend just moved to share a house this week with another couple. Both families with new babies. This is such a great idea for some people – in honesty, I personally do not think I could live with another couple but that is just my personality.
A.S. says
What a fantastic concept. I would have loved to do that with my brothers/spouses.