How do you do it? Mom, Wife, Cook, Clean, Homeschool, Blog, Coupon, and all around Happy Woman? Here’s a little on me: We just recently moved. Now we are 4 hours from family and friends so its just me and my 6 month old son. I LOVE your articles on 21 days to a clean house, freezer cooking, morning routines, and enjoy reading your goals list. My mom explained that being a supermom takes time and practice. I just want to know where to start.
There are 3 grocery stores to watch deals at, couponing, cleaning the house, trying to cook some dinner and maybe even some snacks, oh yeah, and taking care of my 6 month old that I recently started cloth diapering and I want to make some food for him (cook it up and blend it is WAY cheaper than buying jars!) And there are still a lot of boxes to unpack, and from there, donate and sell stuff and sort papers. I can’t do it all. Where do I start? -Jen
Let me just set your mind at ease, Jen: I’m not superwoman and I am far from having my act all together. All my local friends will tell you that I’ve got plenty of areas where I struggle in — just like everyone else. 🙂
That said, my heart goes out to you as a young mom. I well remember feeling so overwhelmed and inadequate with all of life’s demands when I just had my first baby. And I wanted to answer your question as best as I could, in hopes that it might encourage you and other moms out there who are struggling with feeling inadequate or just feeling overwhelmed with life’s demands.
Tonight, I’ll talk about how I do it (or don’t!). Tomorrow, I’ll share some suggestions I thought of for how you can find more peace, order, and fulfillment as a wife and mom.
1. I Don’t Do It All
As I’ve mentioned many times before, I lost my superwoman cape in the dirty laundry pile a long time ago. 😉 I think it coincided with the birth of my third child. That’s when I realized I so did not have my act together and needed to streamline if I were going to survive.
Also, I wanted to not just survive; I wanted to thrive. I didn’t want to look back at the end of my life and feel like I’d wasted my years. I’ve only got one shot at life and I want to use it well.
As a result, I’ve realized that I can’t do it all. I can’t even do a lot of things. I can only do a few things well. So, I’ve prayerfully chose what few things were priorities in my life (see my list here) and then I’ve been seeking to wrap my life around those things.
By choosing to only do a few things, I’ve been able to make those things a priority and focus. This simplifies my life and it helps me to stop feeling guilty about all the things I’m not doing that other people are. There may be a season for those things, but right now, I just gotta stick with a few things!
2. I Have a Very Supportive Husband
There is no way I could or would be blogging, running a business, speaking, and writing books if it weren’t for my husband. He’s my number one cheerleader and he is so excited about the opportunities and doors God is opening for me.
My husband is fantastic and we’re truly a team. As I mentioned last week, we both work together for the economy of our home. That means, it’s not uncommon at all for him to be helping with cleaning or dishes, he usually takes care of the kids’ bedtime routine, and he helps with the homeschooling.
3. I Set Boundaries — Even When It’s Hard
After reaching the point of burnout a few years back, I’ve put some really clear cut boundaries in place when it comes to what I will take on and commit to. For starters, we try be home at least 4 nights each week and I try to stay home all day at least two full days every week. This helps provide a calmer home environment for us and prevents us from always rushing around to the next thing.
I’m a big believer in margin. I try to do something fun and enjoyable every day — even if it’s just 15 minutes of reading a good book. Because of my Type A personality, I’ve come to realize that if I’m not intentional about making fun and relaxation a priority, it won’t happen much. And I need to stop and smell the roses and have that white space in each day to give me energy and refuel my tank.
If life has been especially busy for a few weeks, I’ll declare a PJ Day and we’ll just stay home, take it easy, snuggle up and read, and/or watch a movie. Or, we’ll just go out and go to the library or the park for something different.
We take every Sunday off — off from media, off from blogging, off from our usual responsibilities. After church, we often go drive around (something my husband loves to do!), we sometimes stop for Sonic Happy Hour, and we typically have a leisurely extended lunch just hanging out as a family: talking, teasing, and catching up. After lunch, we usually read or take naps. And then we head to my family’s house around 6 p.m. for dinner with all of my side of the family. We look forward to Sundays all week long: it recharges and refuels us for the week — and it helps us to stay connected and grounded.
4. I Have Great Help
I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t do everything on my own. For a few years, I had a fantastic mother’s helper come in once a week to do whatever I needed done: deep cleaning, cooking, watching the children, or helping me catch up on laundry. Since my children are older now and able to help more, she’s no longer coming, but it was a huge help during a full season of life.
I’m blessed to have a great team of people who work for me to help shoulder the load of business responsibilities. I’d be completely sunk without them! And my assistant keeps my life running smoothly and orderly — so that I can focus on homeschooling, mothering, and loving my husband while still having time for friendships and margin. We’re also blessed to live near grandparents and extended family who are happy to babysit or help out however needed.
5. And Yes, Sometimes I Feel Like Pulling My Hair Out
Despite all of these things, please don’t get the impression that I have all of my ducks in a row and constantly have a cheerful attitude. There are days when my patience seems nonexistent, there are times when I fail miserably, and there are moments when I want to pull my hair out. God reminds me often of how much I need His grace and help — and how without Him, I am nothing.
Stay tuned for my post tomorrow on some practical steps you can take to find more order in your home and life.
Related: How Can I Be Organized When I Have a Nursing Baby and a Toddler?
I’d love for the rest of you to chime in with your thoughts and advice for Jen. I can’t wait to read your comments and input!
photos from Big Stock
This could not be more timely for me! I am a first-time mom to a sweet 4-month-old girl and I have been back at work full-time for a month now. It is HARD. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I have no idea how to be a good wife, mom, and employee. (Not to mention the fact that we have four animals who require a certain amount of maintenance!) Even my very modest goals of having a functional kitchen and clean clothes for my baby and me (husband does his own laundry) feel completely overwhelming some days. My faith has really taken a hit, too, which doesn’t help matters. I keep struggling with feeling like I should be able to do more in every area than the bare minimum, but that’s all I feel capable of right now. I look forward to the encouragement and ideas in the comments!
THANK YOU for this! I have a 13 week old little girl and a little guy who just turned two last week. Life is so overwhelming sometimes for me and to add to that I have ppd. I try hard to get what I can get done and sometimes that is just feeding the kids! We are just starting to work out a routine with the new baby and nursing but man it is tough. Your posts are so encouraging and almost always are just what I need to hear! Thank you for sharing your wisdom:)
Thanks so much for this!! Your blog is a blessing to me!
I believe that the most important thing Crystal said is about having a very supportive husband. I have a husband who works retail and his schedule is never the same 50 – 80 hours a week. With that said – our daughter (2) is extremely strong willed and now we have our second one on the way. I used to feel so guilty about asking my husband for help because after all he was the one “working” all day long. Over the past two years things have changed so much in our home – I ask for help and I don’t feel bad even if it means me locking myself in my bathroom for a short period just to collect my thoughts (seriously there is no shame in hiding out :).
I also tried making my own baby food, but just because of time and stress I gave that up. There is so much freedom in looking back on my past 2 years and giving someone else
advice on what to and the way to do it. I remember wanting to do it all just like you and I think every new mother who is wanting to raise her children right has felt the same way. Take full advantage of nap time and don’t work the whole time they are sleeping because in 2 years that little one might decide they don’t need that nap any more :).
It is difficult when you move away from family and friends. You have had 2 major life changes in a short period of time. I bet your husband is like most he is so involved in adjusting to his new position and interacting with others he doesn’t see or understand how isolated you feel. Our nearest family is 11 hours away. What I found helped me when our children were young was finding a Mothers Day Out program that many churches here in the south offer. I had my first child signed up before he was born. This would give you a break. It is also a great way to meet other mothers. Once my first child was a toddler I was fortunate enough to be invited into a babysitting coop. In case you don’t know what a babysitting coop is members exchange babysitting time. You could babysit for Member A and member C might babysit for you. One person keeps the books and credits and deduct time as it is earned or used. This provided playmates for my kids and time away for me for free. In fact, after my last child started school I stayed in my coop for a while because their was 1 family with 8 kids who had a hard time finding anyone who would accept their sit request and I was happy to go the their house and play with them.
If you live in a neighborhood that is safe then take your baby for a walk everyday that the weather is good. It will raise your endorphins and give you a chance to meet people who live close by. Never under estimate the value of conversation with someone over 2 ft. tall.
If someone in your family is in a position to come to your new home for a week or two to help with unpacking and/or baby care ask. My daughter has moved 3 time in 5 years and never left the city she moved to when she married. It is a 2 hour drive for me I have gone down for each move and helped. We would discuss her kitchen and closet set ups and I would get those done for her. Pack, unpack and put away.
Lastly, I would share with your husband how you are feeling. After 38 years my husband still hasn’t mastered the art of reading my mind. He can’t help if he doesn’t know what the problem is or that there is a problem at all.
As a side note, once when our children were little my husband had to stay home with them for 10 days by himself due to an emergency. It was an eye opening experience for him. He met me at the airport with all 3 kids ready to go back to work so he could rest even though it was the weekend.
Thank you for your honesty and encouragement!
Specific to Jen’s situation–you don’t have to use baby food at all. If you’re cooking sweet potato or carrots for yourself, just mash some of it up with a fork and feed it to the baby. Avoid seasonings and butter. Avocado is a great baby food that’s not sweet and full of healthy fat that they need. Bananas, ripe pears and unsweetened/plain applesauce are good, too.
My heart goes out to you being so far from family and friends, I understand completely. We live 1200 miles from all our family and friends and we have 3 small children. Yes, it has strengthened our marriage because we’ve had to rely so much on one another, and has deepened my dependence on God because I have needed Him so much more, but it has been tough. There are so many times I have wanted my mom near by so I could run over for a chat or so she could stop by to see my children, not to mention help with them from time to time! But that being said, we believe we are where we are supposed to be, so that gives us peace in the midst of struggles, knowing that God will grace us the grace to make it through. And then some 🙂
I wanted to share some things that have helped me. I know those boxes, ugg. Just tackle what you can, as you can. And I know what’s it’s like not to have a support network around you. Because of job transfers, we moved from 3 different states in 3 years, all when our oldest was between the ages of one and three. One thing I did was to seek out a network, I joined the mom’s groups at my churches, and in each city I found a local MOPS group (Mother’s Of Preschoolers). That helped me feel not so alone. I really like MOPS because it connected me with other moms, we had play dates and made some nice friends that way. I don’t know if you’re like me, but getting out of the house was actually therapy for me. And when I started couponing, I actually enjoyed getting out to several stores getting the deals through the week, it gave me something positive to focus my attention on and gave me a purpose. So if it helps you to get out, then do it 🙂 I used to just browse Target, somehow that always used to help. Blessings to you and your family.
I just read this and most of the comments and am so grateful for this! I have been struggling to figure out how I was going to handle my husbands deployment which is coming up fast since we have a 5, 4, and 2 year old at home right now. I haven’t had to do everything myself for more than a month at a time since my third was born and every time I think about how to keep up with all the housework I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. My oldest just started Kindergarten full day so it helps to have one out of the house during the day, but then I have to drive my middle to preschool (20 mins each way) 3 days a week, so that takes a lot of the extra time I have away. Any advice for how to keep afloat while he is away? I have already decided to put most of my couponing aside, especially since I have found a much better and healthier way to feed our family within our budget, but I can’t put all the housework and childcare aside, lol. Thanks again for all of your very inspiring posts!
Jessica
@Jessica:
First, thank you and your husband for your service to our country! (He may be the one in the military, but you serve too!)
Second, if you are close to a base/post, please find out what resources are available to you while your husband is deployed. At ours, you are eligible for some free babysitting as well as special outings just for deployed family members (free events, plus the chance to meet others in your situation and not feel so isolated).
Third, the time your preschooler has at school is nice, but perhaps cutting back to even twice a week (if offered) would be a better option for this stage?? I’d encourage you to get your out-and-about errands done during that time to make use of having made that drive.
All the best to you and prayers for you, your husband, and family during his deployment!
I’ve made one of the best decisions as a mom… I did not sign my kids up for any activities. My 6 year old son goes to CCD once a week and that’s it. It’s hard not to feel like I should be signing them up for multiple activities when every other child is doing soccer or ballet or piano, etc. But I’m so glad I didn’t… when my kids get home from school, they relax and play! It’s been wonderful. I also work full time, so just having everyone home in the afternoons has made a world of difference. Maybe I’ll sign them up for something later on, but for now it’s good to feel confident with the choices we made.
I relate to this.
My 5-year old had a year of ballet (loved) and a year of gymnastics (hated). I planned on putting her back into ballet this year, but she just started Kindergarten. Eventually I will gladly put her back in ballet, but I want to be sure she is comfortable with her Kindergarten schedule first. She is in full-day Kindergarten, something that didn’t exist in “my day”. Boy I feel like a dinosaur!
I also wasn’t completely sure she really wanted to do ballet. But the other day she asked if she could do it again. Maybe next year or after Christmas if she is still interested I will put her back in ballet. This makes me feel good, that she will take dance lessons of her own will, not because I’m pressuring her because I regret quitting dance lessons at 12.
One activity per school semester (e.g. soccer in the fall and piano in the spring) for elementary school and maybe two activities per semester (e.g. a music activity and a sport activity) for high school is good I think, but I agree, kids can get overwhelmed with too many activities way too soon.
I think these decisions really depend on the kid.
My daughter is polar opposite from me. When I have some time to myself (not often), give me a good book and my couch and I am a happy woman. DD, on the other hand, is very physically active and competitive by nature. She loves sports and she NEEDS them. It took me a while to figure this out. When she has an constructive outlet for all that pent-up energy, she sleeps better, eats better, settles down to do homework, is all around happier, which in turn results in more cooperation with household chores and such.
Some kids need more down time, and they’d be totally stressed out by the amount of physical activity my daughter gets, but my daughter thrives on it. Taking it away would most assuredly not help our family life even though it would be easier on me.
We also balance each other out — I’m a couch potato and she’s a gym rat, so I get her to settle down and she gets me moving. Not a bad combination. 🙂
I didn’t want to do “scheduled” activities, thinking my son could play with neighborhood kids. Well, here in the burbs, kids are in daycare and when they are home, seem to stay in the house, so I ended up signing my son up for various activities. I find that his schedule helps to keep me motivated and on task . . . Though it can be a drain sometimes!
As a single mom by choice I am raising 2 girls now 4&8 adopted as infants from China. I remember just a few years ago how overwhelmed I was all the time. I work 3 12 hrs shifts a week as a nurse. Even though those days are long,I have been blessed with 4 days off a week. Still having my 4 year old home has been such a blessing. Even though I do not have to do lists I feel like my life is much easier now with my kids being older. I do not over schedule and my children only are allowed to do 1 activity. My meals are simple and my kids can fold all the laundry and do many other household chores. I have found this to be so important to teach when they were so young. I love to nap in the afternoons and never feel guilty. I do not homeschool. I am in a season of life where I am at peace and not stressed,but it has taken quite some time to get to this place. My motto is to keep life very simple.
Laurie
Even though my son is in college, I still have similar issues. Just this past week, I was offered a job at my church for a grant-funded position. We need the $$ for my son’s college expenses so I jumped on the chance and then about had a nervous breakdown trying to “do it all” as I had always done it. I know this past week was especially stressful because a) I didn’t go seeking a job – it found me! b) I already had responsibilities for a volunteer organization dinner (250 attendees) on Tuesday night c) I already had volunteered to drive the church bus for a retreat for the weekend and d) I am helping with a big bazaar this weekend. I did the best I could: used frozen meals I had on hand, made sure my family ate well, made sure I went to bed early, and wrote out what I needed to accomplish. The retreat’s theme was “Abundant Life” which totally made me laugh. It was God’s way of showing me that I am so fortunate to have all these irons in the fire. When I looked at my life as a blessing, it was almost an instantaneous relief from the stress. I started this week with a much more positive attitude and much more relaxed. I am not looking too far ahead – just concentrating on today. I realized this isn’t forever (it is a temporary position) so I will have to set aside some things to do for another time. It is much the same as when I was a new mom… just a season in my life. When I concentrate on what is best for me (and not let Pinterest or Facebook trends dictate my life) I am so much happier.
I am in a survival mode right now and have really been thinking I have to quit waiting for the crisis to stop in my life to live. I have a daughter with bipolar and ocd and a son with a bowel problem and spirited 4 year old. My husband travels 90% of the time. My small group at church is my lifesaver. Last week I came down with vertigo and they help with everything. I know and have seen how God provides. I just really need to “LIVE” or as you say “THRIVE” and not just survive.
Like all the other ladies who commented, I am so thankful this was the post I read tonight. I was almost in tears this evening driving from my two sons (6&8) baseball practices that are a mile apart and conflict in times. We have three boys and one baby girl who we were blessed with just two months ago. Nursing, trying to supplement our income with picking up some at home clerical work, plus running a household has proved to be beyond my capabilities. House is a mess constantly, and trying to shuffle everyone around has me on my last nerve and nearly bald! Lol! This was exactly what I needed to hear to refocus and regroup. I too, feel like with this daily circus act, I’m losing the happiness and love I used to put into my day and it’s been replaced with irritability and impatience. Thank you, for sharing that even the best of the best have bad days too, and that there is someone out there who understands.
Maybe you can find someone else to pick up or take home your boys to take some of the pressure off of you with the practices. I do this a lot with my kids as their practices are 20 miles apart.
I think the key, for me, is to be me. And for me, Jesus, husband, and kids are it. Anything that takes a minute away from serving them is a no-go. I don’t work. I don’t have hobbies. My blog is really nothing more than a way to stay in touch with family because we live internationally.
Being confident in whom the Lord made me has freed up my schedule! I’m still busier than I want to me, but I’m busy being at my kids events and my meeting my husband’s needs. And that kind of busy works for me!
As a parent of older kids, I would encourage you to form some hobbies and interests of your own and don’t place all your identity in being a mom and wife. Don’t let your family define who you are, otherwise when you’re kids are grown, you will be lost and won’t know what to do. Just my thoughts……
I agree! My baby girl is six months old, but my mom (who was young when she had me) told me to always keep my own identity. I was literally overcome with guilt and sobbing out in the parking lot of a fitness center because I felt like I was taking half and hour away from my family, but she told me how much better of a mom I will be (wife, too) when I keep myself and my health a priority – that includes emotional health, which is why I don’t let myself feel guilty when I read at night! She was absolutely right. My mom stayed at home for several years, but she felt her calling was teaching, so she decided to go back when my brother and I were still in school. It was definitely the right decision for her. I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard stories that I never knew happened…she would let a girl sit with her during lunch because she was teased, and the girl admitted that before that, she was close to suicide. I never knew that growing up. She always kept us a priority, but she enjoys volunteering, as well as teaching, and that’s a major part of who she is. I think your hobbies help develop you as a person. I imagine she’s learned a lot of patience and compassion teaching.
I’m totally confident that when my kids leave the house I’ll be able to resume the hobbies I once enjoyed. Until then, I’m going to relish every moment of this season. Thanks though! 🙂
I would recommend the book “Grace for the Good Girl.” It’s about how to stop trying to achieve through our own perfectionisim or guilt and to just BE in Christ.
That book was such a blessing and encouragement to me (not to mention eye-opening!). I want to live authentically and walk in the confidence that Christ gives.
I think #2 is the most important, if you have a good support system (whether it be a husband or your mother’s club) makes all the difference. Rather than just giving up – it gives you a chance to vent and also a place/person to bounce idea’s off.
I remember when you were blogging at Biblical Womanhood and only had your oldest two, no formal homeschooling yet, and no book list goals. You still had so much to offer us, but not all that you have to offer now. What her mom says is true. It is easier to add things in as you and become familiar with the things that are “new” now…like that little bundle of love. Maybe you should pull out one of your posts from “the good old days” to share with her 🙂 I remember there were at least a few “hair pulling” episodes back then too 🙂
I would like to add that it has been wonderful and encouraging to be a longtime reader and “see” you grow and mature over the years. If only all of your readers could have that perspective, maybe they would be encouraged as well. If you could somehow remind them that you haven’t always done what you do now and that you didn’t begin your mommy/wife journey with a 31 days to clean list…although you did have your coupon box 🙂
Thanks for your encouragement — and for hanging on to the wild ride with me and not giving up on me. God has taught me a lot and helped me to grow so much as a person over the last seven years I’ve been blogging (can you believe it’s been that long?!?). I’m so blessed by all of you and what I’ve learned and gleaned from you on this journey.
And you are so right, changes and progress don’t typically happen overnight. It’s a slow process… I can get discouraged that I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I try to focus on just continuing to take those babysteps in the right direction. They truly do add up to significant change over time!
{Hugs} to you, friend! Your comments blessed me today!
Here’s a little thing that might help: read up on baby-led weaning. The idea is introducing real foods as they are–which is a lot less work than processing and freezing your own food. It’s a small thing, but it freed up a lot of time for me!
My children are all grown but what kept me sane was a routine and schedules for cleaning and laundry. I know that as long as I stick to my schedule for cleaning that the house will be reasonably clean and if I stick to my laundry schedule and completely finish it each day that we will always have clean clothes and towels. Just sticking to those two things takes away a lot of stress for me. I get the laundry going first thing every morning and then I know what chores to do to keep the house in order. Having menus made take the stress of what we will eat away. Other items that need to be done each day get written on a list and checked off as they are done. It helps so much to write it down so that you don’t have to keep a list replaying itself in your head all day. If I don’t finish everything on the list then I remember that tomorrow is another day that I can work on it. Don’t try to do three grocery stores each week. It is too much with a baby! When I had littles I actually just shopped one store in the evening so that the kids could stay at home with Dad. Yes, it did cost more but some things are just worth it! Above all, remember that little ones grow up so quickly and that everything does not have to be perfect everyday.
love this!
Great advice Crystal, but I think you missed something 🙂 Self discipline is so important in setting priorities and sticking to them! Often times I think “I don’t have time” for something (like exercise) but what I really mean is “I’m not making it a priority”!
🙂 Great advice! I’ve tried to switch from saying “I don’t have time for that” to “I’m choosing not to make that a priority right now.” It helps me to remember that, in most cases, I do have a choice. And I want to choose well.
I think it’s important to have balance, and be okay with not making a lot of things a priority — especially if you already feel overwhelmed with life. I’ll be talking more about that in part 2 today.
Love that line about chosing not to make it a priority right now! Maybe that’s why I’m sitting here on the computer instead of exercising 😉
One of the things I love about Crystal and her blog is that she advocates asking for and receiving help as Moms. We often think we need to do it all—-but our sanity depends on asking for help and receiving breaks :). Thanks for a great post!
When my children were really little and I was having an overwhelming day I use to toss my “To Do List” and make an “I Did It List”. If I changed a diaper I wrote it down, if I cleaned up spit up I wrote it down. If I managed to wash a few dishes before the baby needed me again I wrote it down. By the end of the day, I was always so amazed by how many small things I got down that I would normally never write on my to do list and it would give me the confidence boost I needed to be satisfied with inches in progress instead of leaps and bounds.
This is an awesome idea!
This is terrific!
I love that idea Victoria! Maybe I’ll start an “I did it” list!
I do love my to do list – but I can see how this would be hugely beneficial when you are having one of those “I wish I could be a supermom” kinda days. I’m sure it would show you how much of a super mom you really are. Thank you.
I hope my asking this doesn’t offend you or your husband but as a fairly newlywed (okay it will be 2 years in Dec. but most of the time that still seems new!) I still struggle with family get togethers… My family lives WAY far away and my husbands family ALL LIVE 20 MINS AWAY… Sometimes that can be very stressful for me. Any advice on this? Does your husband ever want to skip a Sunday family dinner to stay home with just your immediate family instead of doing extended family stuff?
Also advice on dealing with holidays would be appreciated too! My husband and I are hoping to start a family soon and I want us to be able to develop our own traditions but I know his mom is going to want to continue to do everything at her house.
and thank you Crystal for admitting you aren’t perfect – even though when we read your blog/book/articles sometimes it seems that way it is good to know you are humble and wiling to give credit where credit is due!
We’ve had some holiday issues with our parents/in-laws, too. What worked for us was discussing our plan for the holidays with each other, then telling everyone our plan. Then we stood our ground. There were some disagreements, but tough tacos. You can’t always get what you want! Everyone still got to see us, spend time with us, etc. and the holidays were fine. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I learned a long time ago that you can’t please everyone.
I totally understand your issues with the holidays!! My MIL stays with us every Christmas, sometimes Thanksgiving, and my girls’ birthdays. I began to feel a bit envious and resentful that I never had just our immediate family celebrating our time together. But I am trying to be positive–we have so many other memories together that happen on ordinary days, and I know it means a lot to my MIL that she is here.
Also, you may be surprised once you have kids regarding the celebrations at your house…we gradually moved over to having things at our house once we had adjusted. My parents who live nearby had the first few Thanksgivings and Christmases at their house….and let me tell you–my favorite Thanksgiving still is the one where my daughter was two months old and I got to go over there, rest, and take a nap!! Lol. I was thankful just for that 🙂
The first year you change any tradition will be the hardest! Once you get some new ones going though, everyone will adjust 🙂
The key is your husband. Find out how he feels about spending every holiday with his family. Since they live 20 minutes away, do they drop in often? Call first? For the 9 years of marriage before kids, my husband insisted on going “home” for every holiday and many other visits per year (his parents live 3 1/2 hours away). Although I enjoyed visiting extended family (my mom lived in the same town), it got very old. I wanted to stay home (our house) for some of the holidays (say Easter). However, once we had kids, I was able to persuade him that the kids needed to have holiday traditions at our home rather than remembering every holiday as a road trip. Since then we have happily celebrate holidays at home. Yes we frequently invite extended family to our celebrations and sometimes they come, most times they don’t. Our kids have actually said they prefer especially Christmas morning with just the 4 of us. Out of the mouths of babes!
Considering the fact that we moved back here to be close to both of our families and the fact that we have dinner with his extended family most every Saturday night, it’s not really been a problem for us. 🙂
That said, because we have these two set family dinners most every week and we make them a priority, we do skip some other family things — especially on weeks where we already have a few other things going on in the evenings. For us, it’s just been a matter of figuring out together what works for our family right now, setting boundaries, and then clearly communicating with our extended families.
I don’t usually comment, but I had to on this one. We moved this year, too, when my son was 6 months old. We’re now 6 hours from friends and family. It’s really, really hard. I was near a meltdown at one point over boxes. I didn’t have time to unpack because my son started crawling right after we moved into our house. I was too busy keeping him safe in that minefield of chaos! My advice on all of this:
1. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. I came into this mom thing much later in life (I’m 38, we’ve been married 14 years, and my one and only child is 1), and I think I’m a lot more relaxed that I would have been if I’d had a baby in my 20s. After years of observing other women (especially moms who LOVE to compare), the only way to stay sane is to worry about living your own life and stop focusing on what others appear to be doing. If someone else manages to do more than you, so what? It doesn’t mean you’re defective.
2. Set a schedule that works for you and your family. I do certain tasks on certain days. That ensures that things (almost always) get done. But if they don’t, the world won’t end. I was so busy last week planning my son’s birthday party that I didn’t have time to dust. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who had a clue about that. 😉
3. Simplify anything that you can. Make easier meals. Buy the snacks. Let the sale/coupon shopping fall by the wayside. (I had to do that last one when we moved. We’ve been here since mid-April, and I’m just now getting back into doing that.)
4. If friends or family come to visit, ask if they’d be willing to help you out by either helping to unpack or watching the baby so you can unpack. Two weeks after moving into our house, friends visited us, and they came with the purpose of helping. That near-meltdown I mentioned above? Averted because friends helped unpack them. Things weren’t exactly where I wanted them, but just having boxes emptied and broken down relieved a lot of stress and allowed me to see beyond the chaos!
5. Give up a few things that don’t necessarily matter. You mentioned making baby food. I had every intention of doing that, but our move coincided with his starting more solids. I bought baby food, and then I kept buying it. He’s just as healthy, it didn’t hurt the budget, and it made my life easier. I’m not saying you need to do what I did, but if that’s something that isn’t of utmost importance to you, then it’s something you might consider giving up–at least for now! If not that, then find something that you’re willing to give up, at least temporarily.
You’re a super mom when you love and nurture your child. Supermom is the crazy lady who obsesses over insignificant details in order to appear perfect before the rest of the mommies. Who needs that?
Thank you for such words of wisdom…I think we all need to slow down and focus on what really matters, as you said, loving and nurturing your child. I’ve come to the conclusion that if a mom is competitive with me, or constantly compares her child to mine, the relationship just isn’t worth all the negativity that comes with it.
Thank you. Sometimes its difficult to give up the little things when you have this plan in your mind – like making baby food – and then something comes along – like an out of state move. I think tomorrow I”ll go out and buy some pears so we can try something different.
Hi Jen!
Our family of 4 (soon to be 5) has moved 6 times in as many years, and we now live on the opposite side of the country from our parents. Our kids are now 3 and 1, and we cloth diaper and make all our own food too.
I just wanted to say, give yourself a lot of grace this year. Not just because you have a 6 month old, but because you just moved too. Big changes take time to adapt to. Personally, I would prioritize all the things that you are trying to get done. If it absolutely must happen this month, then make it happen. Otherwise, forget about it for now. You can only do so much at a time.
If you only get one thing done each day on your to-do list, then it’s still a success. Praise yourself for every small step forward. A year from now you’ll look back on today and realize how far all those little steps forward have carried you. Keeping your family fed (on a budget even), keeping your house clean, unpacking, and learning to cloth diaper is more than enough for any young mom to try to accomplish at one time!
Don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t believe the myth of “Supermom.” You sound like you’re pretty super already, and I bet your 6-month-old thinks your the best mom in the world. 🙂
Jess
Thank you. It is nice to hear that my 6 month old thinks I’m the best. I see it in his smile every morning and when I saved him the other day when he accidently rolled back to belly and pinned his hands. I appreciate your support.
I would love to hear any tips you have on getting yourself motivated. I am also type A personality, but lately I haven’t had any motivation to get anything other than the basics done. I sleep well, eat well, and I don’t feel like I’m trying to do too much, but I just can’t shake this lack of motivation. I feel like I am getting lazy. I am a SAHM to two little boys. Thank you for your posts, they are always an encouragement to me.
Have you had a check-up recently to have your thyroid and hemoglobin tested? That’s the first thought that came to mind. Also, have you considered the possibility of depression?
Also, are you getting moderate exercise at least a few times per week? Doing things that energize you on a regular basis?
Here are some other ideas:
https://moneysavingmom.com/2012/07/15-ways-to-have-more-energy-part-1.html
I hope you’re able to find something that helps you become more motivation as it’s hard to struggle with a lack of motivation — especially when you have young children to care for!
Thanks so much for the post. I have been really struggling with this lately. My son turns 1 this week, and this past year has been really challenging for me to balance work and home. Maybe it’s guilt, but I think I often feel like I am “expected” to still get all the cleaning, from-scratch cooking and organizing done on top of my regular 45-hr work week, as I don’t want my family to suffer since I don’t stay home. Needless to say it has created a lot of stress for me, and I don’t allow myself much time for just me. I have thought about getting a mother’s helper — it sounds like such a great idea!! — but again, something holds me back… as if I’ve failed in some way?? Why do I allow myself to think this way?
Hi Kristen, I work full time also and am very blessed to have a good income. We have ‘outsourced’ a lot of our tasks and this is what has enabled us to have the balance that is right for us. We have a full time nanny who also ensures the kids rooms are kept picked up (they pick up and she supervises) and does the children’s laundry. We have a house cleaner who comes every week. We have a lawn man who mows every week during the season it is needed. I don’t feel badly at all abut these things because we are able to afford them and it means that when I am not working I am able to focus on our family and not worry about everything else. It also keeps my stress level down because our house stays organized and I’m able to sit and read with the kids without feeling like I should instead be washing dirty dishes or other housework that needs to be done.
Figure out where you need the most help or want help most and do it. You will so appreciate having that time to spend with your family. And truly who cares if you fold their pajamas or someone else does? They care a lot more about your time and attention.
I agree with AC – if you can afford to outsource some of your responsibilities, do so and don’t feel bad about it! Maybe it’s hiring someone to clean, or a mother’s helper. Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean that you automatically are able to do everything.
Kristen, put those thoughts of failure behind you! I was in a similar situation. I identified the things I don’t like doing and the things that take up too much time. A cleaning lady that comes in every other week can change your life. Don’t worry, there is still plenty of cleaning to do on your own, but just that one day you can come home and not worry about it. I also started grocery delivery. My job was to get groceries in the house. Does anyone care how they got there? It takes me about 90 minutes to get the shopping done door to door. Now it’s time with my kids for under $10. Do your freezer cooking. Embrace leftovers. We ate the same thing 2 nights in a row. That was the standard so I only had to worry about what’s for dinner every other night. My kids eat the same breakfast EVERY DAY. In the past, women didn’t work and they all had family near by. Grandmothers often cooked Sunday dinner and babysat every week. It’s different now, so don’t hold yourself to those standards. And get your husband involved. Mine does the bedtime routine, just to give me a break each night. Not everything needs to be done from scratch. Embrace the disposable diaper and baby carrots. Skip homemade baby food and give him real food. Hang in there, it does get easier.
If you have a chance, I’d encourage you to read this post of mine: http://www.momlifetoday.com/2012/01/i-gave-up-on-trying-to-be-superwoman/
I completely understand the guilt — because I’ve experienced it before! You know what helps me? To remind myself how much better of a wife and mom — and how much healthier I am as a person — when I’ve delegated responsibilities. And I highly doubt I’m going to regret that at the end of my life, you know? 🙂
Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement!! This definitely helps me put things in perspective; I know it’s something I just need to keep working at. I’m all for delegating chores to my husband…. but somehow television, football, etc. seem to be more enticing. 😉
Crystal, the post you recommended was a great read, thanks! You summed up my thoughts perfectly when you said: “Instead, I thought it was that I just wasn’t using my time wisely enough or being efficient enough. I’d resolve to try harder, work longer hours, sleep less, and cut out anything that wasn’t a necessity.”
I have been trying to do just that these past few months, and starting to see that it is only wearing me out and certainly isn’t benefiting my family.
Thanks again!!
Kristen, I am right there with you!! I work full-time and have a four-month-old. It is so, so challenging, and I do struggle with feeling like it’s still my responsibility to handle all cleaning, meals, etc. Thankfully, my husband has done the vast majority of the cooking since she was born (and let’s be honest, even before she was born – he’s a much better cook!). I know I can delegate things to him, but I still hesitate to sometimes. I feel like I’m letting down him, myself, and our daughter if I don’t live up to whatever bizarre expectations I’ve created in my own mind. I just want to enjoy my family, and it’s really hard to do that when I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water.
Crystal,
Thank you for this honest and encouraging post! I really, really want to ‘have it all together’ but I know it’s all but impossible with two littles (2 & 9 months).
In the past months since #2 arrived, I have been simplifying my home and my schedule in an attempt to thrive as a mom of two instead of just survive!
Looking forward to reading more from you and I had to laugh at ‘sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out.’ It’s nice to know I’m not the only one! 😉
You are definitely not the only one. May I encourage you to lower your expectations as to what “all together” looks like? That has helped me so much!
This post is so timely for me! Today was not a good day and I was completely overwhelmed with everything I had to do. I needed to hear this message today Crystal and know that everything will work itself out. I also need to prioritize what’s important.
Here’s to a better day today! I’m cheering you on as you seek to prioritize your days well!
Thank you Crystal!
I almost want to cry (but instead I am so grateful), because this is EXACTLY what I need to read/hear right now! I am a mom to a 17 month old and my husband is deployed and he’s gone a lot even when he is home. Our families are on the other side of the country. I feel overwhelmed much of the time and SO tired! My heart goes out to all moms who struggle like this new mom. Only my relationship with Jesus gets me through!
Oh honey, I have the utmost respect for you! I’ll pray that God brings some encouragement your way — and some friends and help to you so you don’t feel like you’re shouldering such a big load by yourself!
I think that prioritizing is key. I frequently get asked how I manage to do what I do – I recognize that I have more on my plate than many women do, but it works for me. Personally, I have found that I am at my best with a full plate. When I have a full schedule of responsibilities, I am better about redeeming the time and budgeting my time. But I have to prioritize. Wife and mother roles come first, then homeschooling, then church responsibilities, then the board member work for our local homeschooling co-op. When I make my weekly to-do list, I put the items in order of importance to me. That way, if something is left off, it is something that doesn’t matter quite so much!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts; we sound like two peas in a pod! I’ve definitely found that when I have more to do, I get more done.
At the same time, I’ve had to learn that, for me, running at full speed all the time is not healthy… I’ve not found the perfect balance, but I am much more rested and cheerful most days now that I have more margin in my life! 🙂
I LOVE your posts!! They are so inspirational and always come at a time when I need to read them.
I am about your age. Your youngest and our son are a couple months apart. I am also a Marine wife, student (fully online), and couponer. I did do A LOT of volunteer work (300hrs in 2yrs), I dropped that when we moved here to concentrate on finishing my bachelor’s degree. We just found out about some medical issues that I have, and they are starting to take their toll.
Thank you reminding me that its OK to say I need help because I can’t do it all. Sometimes for me that is not possible because my helper is not home and little to no support system (not for lack of trying either).
Any advice for single parent homes?
{Hugs!} to you! I’m amazed that you’re doing as much as you are doing… and I’d encourage you to consider either bringing on some help (swapping babysitting once a week with a friend or hiring a mother’s helper, etc.) and giving yourself some grace.
Maybe this is a season to not worry so much about couponing, or maybe you can cut down your online class hours…? Evaluate what you have on your plate and see if there are things you are doing that you don’t have to be doing and that are just serving to drain you.
I had a very similar coversation with a friend who recenly had a baby. Her oldest is 16 and her youngest before the baby is 6. A new baby is hard no matter if he’s your first or your 7th. There’s just different struggles depending on the ages of the other children.
When she commented that I still did “everything” when we had a surprise baby 3 years ago I promptly let her know that I didn’t. In fact, we only did 12 history lessons that year. So when we started the next year, I declared that we were 12 lessons ahead. Since we live in a state where history is not required by law I was fine with that. I hadn’t shared that with her before and so she assumed we just continued schooling as usual.
I also suggested that she have 3 goals…
1. keep your family fed
2. keep your family clothed
3. keep your house clean enough to not be condemned by the city
This is my mantra when life is overwhelming and I need to slow down and regroup.
Just remember there’s a difference between being a “supermom” and being a “super mom”. I’m sure your family wants your to be a super mom.
Oh, I love your last paragraph! Such wisdom there!
Laughing at #3 “keep your house clean enough not to be condemned by the city”…so true!
Angie what a gift you gave your friend by being transparent. I loved your attitude about being 12 lessons ahead in history the next year!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. While I am not a new mom, I am a mom of 3 amazing kids, I homeschool and do daycare. The “to-do” list can seem overwhelming at times! Thanks for your very down to earth perspective Angie. 🙂 {And for a giggle this morning!}
As a pastor’s wife, and (relatively) new mom of a 13 month old, life is full. Thank you so much for sharing your posts and being encouraging for those of us needing to hear it from others who have been there. May God continue to bless you, your family, and ministry.
Thank you for your kind encouragement. {Hugs!} to you as you juggle a lot of responsibilities!
I always wondered how you did it all, so I am looking forward to these posts. I am interviewing mother’s helpers this week. Any tips as to what to look for and what questions to ask? I am new to all of this. Thanks for the post!
My best advice is to not make a long-term commitment, especially at first. Try having potential mother’s helpers come in for a few hours a few times as a sort of test run before giving them the job. Interviews are helpful, but actually seeing someone in action is what counts most. You want to make sure it’s a good fit for everyone involved.
I would second that, as someone who’s been a mother’s helper. Having a job is great, but sometimes things don’t work as smoothly as you’d hope, and it can be just as awkward for the helper as the mother.