Guest post from Erin of The No Drama Mama
Sometimes we learn what not to do from our parents…
My mother was a loving and generous person who also happened to be a hoarder with a shopping addiction. For most of my childhood, our small 1,100 square foot house was jam-packed with stuff, most of which never left the shopping bags it came home in.
I’m confident that my decision to be a frugal adult is an attempt to regain control of an out-of-control childhood home-life. And while not all of us have issues with hoarding or a shopping addiction, we are all susceptible to the symptoms.
Here are 9 frugal lessons we can learn from hoarders… in a special “what not to do” tutorial!
1. Don’t Value Stuff More Than People
People can hurt us, break promises, and disappoint us. It can seem easier to find happiness in inanimate objects which couldn’t possibly hurt us… could they?
Yes!
When we use stuff as an insulating wall to keep people out, we suffer emotionally and are left to chase the “happiness high” of new purchases to cope.
2. Don’t Value Stuff Before Space
Many times when we feel we have a space problem in our homes, what we actually have is a “stuff problem”.
Decluttering, donating, and repurposing puts stuff in its place. We need space to enjoy our lives. Don’t let your stuff render your space useless.
When we had our third child, we needed another bedroom — thankfully, decluttering our basement revealed the perfect location for a new master suite!
3. Don’t Fill The Void, Try to Understand It
My mother never recognized or understood the void she was desperately trying to fill with things… and she didn’t realize there was never going to be enough stuff to fill it.
What she really needed was peace, understanding, and resolution from her own childhood trauma.
4. Don’t Neglect to Use It Up
Two or three half empty jars of peanut butter, bottles of shampoo, and boxes full of brand new candles were always in my house growing up.
Shopping addiction is all about the purchasing… once that part is fulfilled, the item quickly loses its luster. The actual utilization became unimportant, as the purpose of stuff was to buy it, not to use it.
This hoarder’s daughter became intent on using things up and getting the most out of every container, rinsing out shampoo and laundry bottles, and cutting open toothpaste tubes and scraping the weeks’ worth that was left into small containers.
5. Don’t Assume You Know the Price
My mother never looked at price tags. Not surprisingly, she had bad credit.
I never purchase something without knowing how much it costs at multiple locations, without checking the price of new and used conditions, and without making sure it’s something we actually need and will use.
6. Don’t Try to Buy Happiness
My mother was a generous gift giver, but oftentimes, the things I really needed from her couldn’t be fulfilled by things.
When my mother and I had disagreements, she would often buy me a toy when all I needed was to hear, “I’m sorry.” That would have meant so much more than anything she could purchase for me.
She also generously took our friends on vacation with us and picked up the tab for large parties of our extended family at restaurants — all at the expense of her credit and our financial security.
I often wonder if she thought she wasn’t worthy of love on her own and that people would turn away if she wasn’t constantly giving gifts.
7. Don’t Fall Victim to Brand Blindness
When my mother suffered some vision loss and could no longer drive, I took her shopping every week. It was then that I realized she was not only legally blind, she also spent a lifetime completely blinded by brands.
She was genuinely shocked when I pointed out the generic versions of food and medicines. “Have these always been here?” she asked me.
How often are many of us blinded by brands to the exclusion of the less expensive generic equivalents?
8. Don’t Forget About Your Future
Happiness was a monster and needed to be fed daily with new things. There was no thought about what tomorrow would bring.
Paying bills didn’t yield any concrete rewards that could be touched and so they took a backseat (it was a normal for our lights or cable to be shut off!) My mother didn’t even have a retirement account!
How many of us put off saving for later because the lure of that vacation, car or shiny new possession we want to buy today?
9. Don’t Forget to Shop Your Home First
Since most shopping bags were left full on the living room floor, my mother never really knew what we had or didn’t have. We ended up with duplicates and triplicates of movies, appliances, and clothing. As a result, I learned to shop at home first before I ever hit the store.
So many times, the item I was so sure we needed was already in our home and I just didn’t know it.
There is a lot we can learn from looking at extreme behaviors like shopping addictions and hoarding. My mother inadvertently gave me some amazing frugal skills by giving me a first-hand look at what happens when you seek fulfillment in things.
Erin Johnson a.k.a. The No Drama Mama can be found blogging when she’s not caring for her three adorable kiddos. This frugal, “tell it like it is” mama loves sharing her delightfully imperfect parenting wins and fails.
I, like many others here have been touched by this article. I think the part that stood out to me was picking things over people. I don’t feel comfortable leaving my daughters at my mother’s home. It kills me because I want my daughters to have a relationship with my mom but the stuff gets in the way. I have a lot of issues to get through with my mom, but in her illness she taught me to want a different way of life for myself. I am happy to say my parents lifestyle didn’t continue with me.
Its as if you wrote about my family! My mother has a house full of duplicates and triplicates “just in case someone needs something”. She constantly buys stuff for others then loses them and forgets to gift them.
My husband is a bit of a hoarder. He insists on keeping everything he has ever purchased even if it has outgrown its value to him. He often gets upset when I go through our house and purge it of outgrown items. This is nearly a monthly occurance.
In fact my need for purging and minimalism is so strong that we rarely make new purchases and have began downsizing to fit into a 700 or less square foot home.
I liked that you showed a connection to the mental compulsions behind hoarding. Its frustrating when people see hoarders and make comments about them being slobs and other references to a lack of cleanliness. They really are trying to fill a void and there is as much a compulsion to buy “stuff” as there is for alcohol to alcoholics or drugs for drug addicts. They have true physical pain when forced to part with items.
Thank you for this informative piece. May many read it and see that there is more beyond the shopping and keeping of stuff.
Thank you so much for this story. It touched my heart in a way I didn’t think was possible. I have actually told my mother that the best things she taught me were what “not” to do- and I meant it with love and gratitude. I attribute much of my adult obsession with minimalism and organization to the attitudes I was raised with. Talking, learning, and listening to others have helped me to find a good balance. I also find that sharing my thoughts/tips (on organizing) on social media has become a healthy way for me to help people.
All the best!
Lia,
That’s awesome that this story touched you and you were able to use the life lessons your mother taught you (in a what not to do fashion like mine did) to help yourself and others learn how to be organized!
Perfect timing! My two daughters and I moved into my fiance’s home this summer. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I have tried and tried to make this place my own. The part time housekeeper and I have tackled numerous projects. There is way too many people living in this house (8 not including new baby .. His mom, his daughter, him, my two girls, me, and 2 roommates) .. But this house is dirty no matter how much we seem to scrub. Every thing is broken and there is barely an inch of clear space anywhere. Seriously my 5 year olds Christmas present is still in a box because I don’t have any space to set it up. Oh and we are paying $400 a month for a storage unit full of crap. The house is full, the 2 car garage is completely full, the insanely large back porch is completely full, the yard is full, and I think we are now up to 3 storage sheds in the back. I’m actually at the point of leaving. I can’t make my girls live in this anymore and I don’t want to raise a baby in this .. He should never be on the floor these carpets are soooo disgusting. …. I just wonder if there’s anything you did or said or looking back would have tried to see if you could change the situation. We have been a couple for over 5 years and will be bringing a new baby into the world in a few weeks. I don’t want to ruin us but I just can’t take this anymore!
Hi Amy,
Since there are so many people living in the house, is it possible to pinpoint who has an issue with hoarding? Is it one person or more than one? Can you and your fiance get your own place with the kids? I’d explain that you’ll want space and privacy as a new family. If your fiance has hoarding issues you might be able to suggest seeing a therapist about his attachment to things. I don’t know if there’s anything I could have done to change the situation with my mother when I was a kid or teenager. My mom got very upset when you tried to point out the behavior. I do know I wouldn’t want my kids to grow up in an unhealthy environment and it sounds like you don’t either. I would likely have to lovingly explain that you have to have a safe place for your children and you would love that to include him but ultimately you have to do what’s in their best interests. I moved out shortly after I graduated from college and got my first job. My step dad still has storage sheds full of my mother’s things to get rid of and I’m so thankful he’s doing it instead of me. I hope that helps and I wish you and your family the bet of luck!
Thank you! Yes it’s him, his mother, and daughter with the hoarding and extreme shopping problems. (I don’t know if a hoarder constantly buys stuff or those are independent of each other.) Not saying I am innocent I do tend to buy more than I should when I find clearance deals but I’ve been working on recognizing that and using different ways to curb it. He definitely gets very angry when I point things out but he’s constantly telling me he wants to get rid of things but then when I do things he gets mad and says he can’t find his stuff. I just take it too personal and end up giving up trying to change anything. I do have a hoarding/purging company coming on Monday to give us an estimate for clearing out the garage. So hoping it’ll be affordable!
While a company can be helpful in getting rid of the stuff, it’s not going to change the hoarding condition and the spaces will get filled up again. Would he be open to some family or individual counseling?
Yes definitely. My reason for the company is to have that space cleared so we can move all the crap from the storage unit over. That will save us $400 a month plus a few unneeded fights! HUGE! But your right it doesn’t fix the problem. … He did agree to couple counseling. Honestly that’s my fault for not following up with that but I was so ready to leave I was scared to go. I wanted to go when we still had a fighting chance of fixing things. He also has a computer addiction so by the time we walk out of counseling he is not going to like me. But I guess for all of us including the kids I need to try that step. Thanks for the little push! I have time today I can call the counselor and see if I can set something up. 🙂
That’s awesome Amy! I hope it works out for all of you!
Amy, you and the children deserve better. Get counseling for yourself and move out in order to allow yourself some breathing and thinking space. As long as he is in the environment, change will be next to impossible. You cant change another….help yourself. Best to all.
Great thought provoking article, thanks so much for sharing it.
Thanks for reading Mary! I’m glad you found it useful.
Your article rings true for me as well, as my mom is also a hoarder. I actually had to put a stop to my young daughter visiting her as it was getting unsanitary as well. I’m like you in that I’m trying to use up all that I have, but most importantly, not to leave the kind of mess for my own child to have to deal with someday. Fortunately, my daughter is developing very good habits as she sees my mother’s home and knows that lifestyle is not for her as well. A very hard subject to even bring up, but thank you for helping many of us to see we’re not alone.
Ilene, you’re absolutely NOT alone. It’s great that your setting a positive example for your daughter. Sometimes if the TLC show Hoarders is on TV I show it to my kids and talk to them about what happens if we were to just stop cleaning our house or if we held onto our things forever. I try to encourage my kids to donate their old toys. If all we can do is to just break the cycle for the next generation, I have to believe that it’s enough. We can’t always change the behavior of the person who hoards no matter how hard we try.
Very interesting to read your insights.
I definitely agree that people have a stuff problem instead of a space problem. Especially when you compare home sizes now to those 50 years ago.
I can’t stand clutter and require “breathing room” in my house. Extra unused space makes our house feel less chaotic.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Christine, I totally agree with you. Because of the way I grew up I started to crave blank space. While we can’t really be minimalists with three small kids, I’m trying to teach them to donate their things when they don’t want them anymore and I’m talking to my daughter about having her friends make donations to a charity of her choice in lieu of presents this year. She is so very blessed and we have so many toys in our house already. You’re right we have bigger houses than ever and instead of enjoying that space, most people just rush to fill it with more stuff. When we needed an extra bedroom it forced us to get rid of a lot of things we weren’t using and I love my new master bedroom and keep it clutter free as much as possible. It felt really good to get rid of the things that were holding us back from having a great usable space. Most people pay crazy amounts of money to house their stuff, not the people in their families. Ask anyone who’s paying hundreds of dollars a month on storage sheds.
Thank you for sharing what is undoubtedly a hard and painful subject for you and your family. My MIL is not the kind of hoarder you see on TV but is still a hoarder. She has many, many sets of dishes yet has lived alone for more than 20 years and doesn’t entertain. Just one of many examples. As sad as it is, it’s been a big lesson for us because we see what the constant focus on stuff has done to her life. She has poor credit, no savings, few meaningful relationships and a house full of stuff that only means something to her. When she passes she expects that the kids will want all of these things but all of them agree most of it is going to a charity or the trash. It makes me sad that shopping was the choice to fill a void that clearly can’t be filled with materials things and has ultimately negatively impacted relationships.
I completely relate to what you’re going through with your MIL. My mom wasn’t as bad as the hoarders you see on TV as well. She threw away garbage, in fact many of the things she collected were expensive – collectible glassware, jewelry, antiques, furniture, etc. She also thought I would want these things one day and I told her numerous times I would probably just sell the stuff and go on vacation. It is very sad to watch someone fill the void in their lives with things. I think people form attachments to things particularly when people in their lives have left or hurt them deeply. My mother had a traumatic childhood through early adulthood and I think she would definitely have benefited from seeing a therapist to help her understand and cope with those issues. The hardest part as her daughter was that I felt she never loved herself as much she should have.
This is such a difficult, painful subject. I so admire your courage for sharing.
Thanks Aimee. I often feel like God made me without a poker face. I think of myself as a professional truth teller and this is just one small piece of my truth. I only pray that my truth helps others.
My dad is a hoarder. The only reason the inside of the house looks nice is because my mom won’t let him being any of his “treasures” inside. He’s managed to fill up the garage, his shop, three sheds, a carport, three barns, and two tractor trailers.He told me recently that he was just going to do what he liked and let me worry about it when he’s dead. Gee thanks.
Marla, I can imagine how hard your family struggles with your dad’s hoarding. I tend to think of my mom as a low-level hoarder but it really doesn’t matter exactly how bad the situation becomes there’s the same level of stigma surrounding it. There’s the same issues of not having friends over, and worrying how people will view you or your family. I don’t have any great advice about how to help your dad as I wasn’t able to help my mom. All I can say is that while you can’t necessarily change their behavior you can choose to live your life differently like I did. Oh and I had to do lots of reminding myself that my was a really great person who just had a problem. While I have been embarrassed by her behavior, I’ve never been ashamed of her.
I’m not sure I have any of those issues regarding my dad since my mom keeps a clean house and they are really frugal(my dad is cheap).He loves going to auctions and getting a deal. He’ll sell enough to make a profit and just keep the rest. A few years ago, my sister and I (along with our kids and husbands) spent an entire week cleaning out/ organizing their garage plus his shop so he could put a doorway in so they could go straight in the house and my mom could park her car in it. We found multiples of every tool imaginable, over 100 partially filled paint cans, and more screws, nails, and bolts than he could use in three lifetimes. The weirdest things we found:a dozen horse whips still in the package (hasn’t had horses for 30 years),a bucket seat that goes to a car he’s never owned, a box of chopsticks, and a box of maxi pads that he had bought in an auction lot and kept because he thought he might need them someday. I’ve flat out told him that the first thing I’ll be doing when he dies is having an auction, then I’m renting a dumpster.
Yes we too had many multiples of things in our house. My mom would forget what she bought and when she couldn’t find the item, she’d just buy it again. While she collected expensive things, she also had dozens of shoes still in the boxes, dryer sheets, candles, shampoo bottles. I always told my mom I wasn’t going to keep anything when she passed. I used to joke I was going to sell it and go on vacation. I think the only thing I kept was her wedding ring and when my step dad calls asking if I want this or that thing of hers, unless it’s pictures or memorabilia I just say no. I’ve learned that I don’t need her stuff to remember her.
Great blog post, my Mom is also a hoarder. I’m like the author, totally opposite from my Mom. It’s so hard and sad to be a family member of a hoarder.
Lori, you’re right. It is really hard being a family member of a hoarder. It took a really long time and moving out of her house to not be angry with her behavior and to remind myself that her hoarding was a symptom of what was really going on with her. I often worry that my mom didn’t feel loved enough or worthy of love so she bought things to fill that empty space. I wish she had gotten help with the feelings that manifested into hoarding.
Thank you for the reply! I too used to be so angry at my Mom, thankfully I’m not angry anymore.
Short and to the point. Great post that provoked thought. While I don’t hoard (my mom saves ridiculous things and writes the dates on them as memorabilia, like the jelly jar from breakfast at Cracker Barrel, and I keep telling her one day we’re just going to have toss it all.) I read this and realized that I do buy “stuff” to try to make things better that really only I can change. (Like the fitness tracker that has only pointed out how many steps I DON’T take sitting at my desk working. It’s not making me more fit. It’s self-defeating.)
Thanks for a great message!
Jen
Jen, I’m so glad you liked the post and it helped to point out some of your behavior. Keep in mind that stuff doesn’t have the power to make you feel better or worse. It’s just stuff. You make the decision how you feel about you. If your fitness tracker’s useless desk life makes you feel bad, throw it out. Take a walk for the joy of feeling the warm sun on your face. Take joy in living your life!
Thank you, Erin! You’re absolutely right. (Again 😉 )
You’re welcome! Thanks again for reading my post!
Jennifer, something you said reminded me of my dad. He saved bits of paper with stuff he had written. tacked to boards, taped here and there, paper clipped together etc, he dated everything. When asked why he didnt throw them away, he said if I do, nobody will know I was here!! Sounds like your mom, like my dad is reassuring herself that she counts, matters, existed and has something to prove it. I would think it comes from a deep seated sense of separation/abandonment.
I can really relate to this. My mother is a hoarder. We believe it started 40 years ago when her father died at a young age and it peaked when my brother finally left home when he got married 14 years ago. She’s slightly better now but she makes my father take her to Target every day. She’s just filling the void. I tend to be frugal but I have also been known to buy stuff just because it’s a great deal so I am still learning…. I cannot throw out a bottle of shampoo or toothpaste without making sure everything is squeezed out!!! Thanks for sharing!
Hi Lisa. There usually is a trigger for most hoarders. It wasn’t till the year before my mom’s passing that I learned of some of her deep childhood trauma. I wish she had gotten the help she really needed while she was still with us. Sometimes I swing way too far the other way where I don’t want to buy anything beyond basic necessities because of my childhood. I do stock up on sale items but I try to keep it to a maximum of 6 months worth of that item and then I don’t buy again till my stockpile is nearly empty. I remind myself that a good deal is only a good deal if we can and will use the item up. I don’t want it to sit around my house forever.
Very wise advice. Thank you for sharing about such a difficult subject.
Thanks for the kind words Stephanie. I really hope my story helps someone. That’s all I pray for when I sit down to write. Even if it’s only one person, that’s all that matters.
I am also the daughter of a hoarder.
My mother died ten years ago, and it took years for me to sort through the mess.
That experience completely changed my outlook on the things I bring into my house and into my life.
My mother died three years ago Kayla and my step-dad is still going through her things. I find that I’m less sentimental and when he wants to hold onto something I’m the one encouraging him to let it go. We aren’t a sum of our things. I have tons of good memories and I find that’s all I really need to hold on to.
Thank you for your story even though it is really very sad that many people suffer from hoarding. As far as I know, it is related to obsessive-compulsive disorder and a recognized type of mental illness. It is treatable but difficult for people to let go of things because of what the “things” represent, namely security. Best wishes to you and your mother and thanks again for sharing a story that was probably difficult for you to do so.
Thank you for your kind words Ramona! My mother has been gone for 3 years now and her hoarding, while embarrassing as a child, isn’t really what I remember the most about her. She was an immensely generous and caring person who happened to have a problem. I wanted people to know that mothers aren’t perfect, as I’m not either, but we can all teach our children valuable life lessons, even if it is in a reverse how not to style.
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am thankful God gave you beauty from these ashes, so to speak. Do you mind me asking some questions? – did your mom seek some sort of recovery from her addiction? Is her home cleaned up/out now? I realize I’m being nosy but I am very much like you – use it all up, very frugal, etc. but my parents were not hoarders at all. Blessings to you and again thanks for sharing!
My mom actually passed away a few years ago. When she became disabled and could no longer work that sort of took care of the shopping addiction for the most part, but my step father still has storage sheds worth of her things to clear out. I always say God turns your Mess into your Message. This is only one small part of mine. Blessings to you as well.
My mom’s shopping addiction was drastically reduced when she became disabled and could no longer work, but she struggled with hoarding to some degree until she passed away 3 years ago. She was a wonderful person who just happened to have this issue. Sometimes we think we need to be perfect parents to pass on important life lessons, but sometimes our children learn through our messes. God bless!
Wow…my friend’s mom was a hoarder. It made for a really unhealthy environment in their home because they couldn’t actually get things clean. My friend realizes now that her mom was way too attached to things and that her hoarding wasn’t healthy. I think that her habits came from being a military wife and they had to get rid of so much stuff every single time they moved. When they settled in to the last duty station, she just didn’t want to get rid of anything.
I definitely like how you addressed these issues that surround why people hoard and how to keep from doing that.
Thanks for your comment! Hoarding usually has a trigger. Keeping things makes a person feel safe and like they can control at least one thing in their out of control world. I hope it will both help people who suffer with hoarding to seek help but also help the rest of the world that these can be amazingly generous and kind people who just have a problem. My mom was the most generous and loving person I knew. The world is little bit darker of a place without her in it.