Guest post from Jen of Working At Homeschool
Recently, our family was invited to dinner with a friend from out of town. He had invited several other families as well, and we thought it was important to go.
Our “eating out” budget was completely gone for the month, but we decided it was worth it to move some budget categories around to spend time with someone we care about.
At the dinner, we were seated with a bigger family we’d never met before, along with our friend from out of town. We had a wonderful time and I felt we had made the right decision in terms of finding the money for this special dinner.
When we were ready to leave, we asked for the bill and started getting our 5 young kids ready to go. The other family with teenaged kids was out the door in a flash (no diaper bags or sippy cups to gather up). We said our goodbye, wished them well, and waited for our bill.
Then the bill for our table came.
Immediately, we realized that we were not only going to have to pay for our family, but also for the new family we had just met… the new family with teenagers who had ordered and eaten A LOT of food!
I’m not going to lie — I felt sick to my stomach!
Although I was sure they didn’t stick us with the bill on purpose, I was frantically trying to figure out where the money would come from while simultaneously trying to act gracious in front of the other guests. I say “trying to act gracious” because that was all it was – an act. I couldn’t believe that we were stuck with this bill and I couldn’t believe we were going to be out so much more money than we had planned!
My husband, who is much more laid-back than my ISTJ personality type, smiled (somewhat grimly), shrugged, and seemed ready to move on. But not me! I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
On the way home, I kept asking questions like, “Do you think they just forgot? Did one spouse think the other already paid? Did they think we are rich?” That last one made us both laugh out loud.
I kept stewing on this (thinking about how many hours of work went into paying for that meal) when I went to bed that night… and when I woke up the next morning… and beyond.
Then finally, a little voice (not in my head, it was the real voice of one of my kids) said, “Mom, I thought you said we can always afford to be generous?”
Cue the mom guilt. Or maybe “conviction” is a better word.
While my budget is important, and saving money in these leaner times is important, aren’t people more important?
By focusing on how I felt “forced” to pay for dinner, then dwelling on it for so long, I had been teaching my kids that money was my top priority. My daughter’s reminder hit me hard — people are always more important than my budget — and if blessing someone else put us in a more difficult financial place for the remaining week of the month, was that really such a big deal?
I do frequently remind my children that they can always afford to be generous. Of course, when I’m telling them to be generous I’m talking about the three dollars in their piggy banks or their toys. I didn’t imagine that those words would come back to haunt me about my money!
I couldn’t change the fact that we had gotten stuck with the bill. I couldn’t go back in time and choose a do-over (one in which I stall the family while the waiter brings the bill), but I COULD choose gratitude that we’d had a chance to bless someone else, to be selfless and generous. I could choose thankfulness for the opportunity to teach my kids about what’s truly important in life (I sure messed that one up).
I know my family has been blessed by others who have treated us to a meal out – why couldn’t I joyfully do the same for someone else?
I chose to change my attitude. I chose to model love for people that we didn’t really know. I know that we aren’t in a financial position to volunteer to give financially to other families all the time, but this experience has taught me that I should be on the lookout for opportunities to bless others in other ways as much as possible.
And the next time I’m in a position to love people more than my budget, I am going to choose people.
Jen is a work-at-home homeschooling mom who works part-time on her website, part-time for a non-profit ministry, and full-time wrangling her 5 young kids. Jen writes passionately about Bible-based homeschooling, organization, healthy gluten-free food, and meal planning. Her website, WorkingAtHomeschool.com, was featured in the best-selling Trim Healthy Mama Plan book as a meal-planning resource.
Kim says
My mom and I were invited to a restaurant, and there were 12 others at our table. We both ordered the cheapest thing and water. Two of them were ordering all these drinks, appetizers, seafood and steaks. When the bill came one of the two said, “We’ll just split the bill equally between us”.
Our bills were $10 each….theirs had to be close to $60 each. I spoke up and said “Mom and I only had chicken and water, so here’s the money for ours and the tip. You have to speak up when you eat and drink a lot less than others and they want to “split” it with you.
This has happened more than once in different situations. I just speak up, so not to be taken advantage of. Now, if I invite someone out to lunch, then I pay.
Molly says
I was recently invited to a manicure/pedicure party by a Mom of a boy in our school. I did not know her well but my husband encouraged me to go. I went ahead and went and got a pedicure and maybe I misunderstood this invitation, but then I had to pay for the pedicure? It was a lot more expensive then I would have normally paid for a pedicure and I didn’t even enjoy myself since it was so awkward. I chalk it up as a lesson learned!
Lisa says
Hindsight is always 20/20. I’m sure in the future you will ask for individual checks. My children were taught that we always have enough to share and if they had money to share it. I applaud you in instilling this in your children. My kids also know that it is a blessing/gift to help others and that there is a bright side to be found in life if we look for it. Not sure if the other family thought their bill was paid or not but your children were able to see you demonstrate kindness.
Leah says
You are so gracious!! I think though that you should be able to choose to be generous, and not have that forced on you. I’m sorry for that awkward situation!!!
Denise says
Love that you are teaching your kids beautiful truths about generosity!
Maryalene says
Depending on how long ago the incident was, I would consider asking the friend who did the inviting if he could give you the contact information for the other family. Send them a sweet note that says you loved getting to know them and they probably didn’t realize the host wasn’t picking up the tab for the evening. Say when you realized that was the case, you paid for their family’s portion which was X amount. Then the ball is in their court and hopefully they’ll send a thank you with a check. 🙂
Rosanna says
I see that many people are focusing on the fact that the author got stuck with the bill, but I see this a bit differently. What really stuck out to me, is the fact that our children are always watching. They see the way we act when things happen to us. I can understand what the author was going through because I would feel the same way. I LOVE to be generous, but I often want it on my own terms! The question is, is that the right heart attitude? Not really. Though this wasn’t an ideal situation, we can choose our heart attitude at the end.
Dorothy says
Yes, I think this is the whole point! It’s so easy to get stuck with feeling “wronged”, but the point of the post is that we can wallow in how unfair something is, or use it as a teaching and learning opportunity.
B. says
Oh, yes! I entirely agree about choosing one’s attitude. It is so important!!
But I think it’s also important to be a good example to children of being reasonable and firm about enforcing boundaries, and I think that’s what most of the commentators are reacting to.
Portraying the initial act of reluctantly paying for the family as an act of generosity (instead of the act of forgiving them and letting it go instead of stewing over the incident, which I think was a very admirable and generous thing do to!!) makes it sound like it would have been ungenerous not to pay for them.
Personally, I would be worried about presenting this particular kind of incident to this as an example of generosity to my children, because I wouldn’t want them to feel uncomfortable about kindly and firmly speaking up and enforcing their boundaries. We can absolutely choose to have a generous attitude afterward about things that we can’t change, but I wouldn’t want them to lack the confidence to speak up in the moment.
If the author and her husband had seen that the family hadn’t paid and had made the decision at that time to be generous and pay for them, I would have felt differently.
But I’m sure that there’s a lot that’s just not coming across in the story as well, and I very much admire her attitude!!
Jessica says
I completely agree with you in regards to these two paragraphs:
“Portraying the initial act of reluctantly paying for the family as an act of generosity (instead of the act of forgiving them and letting it go instead of stewing over the incident, which I think was a very admirable and generous thing do to!!) makes it sound like it would have been ungenerous not to pay for them.”
“Personally, I would be worried about presenting this particular kind of incident to this as an example of generosity to my children, because I wouldn’t want them to feel uncomfortable about kindly and firmly speaking up and enforcing their boundaries. We can absolutely choose to have a generous attitude afterward about things that we can’t change, but I wouldn’t want them to lack the confidence to speak up in the moment.”
I wanted to say something about that as well, but couldn’t think of how to word it. You expressed it much better than what I could have done.
Anyway, yes, I’m worried that the kids got the wrong impression from this situation.
If they’re at an appropriate age now, or when they’re a bit older, I really hope the author takes the time to explain to them that it’s not okay for others to take advantage of them, especially if they’re girls, because women in particular are taught to be nice and kind (AKA: meek and quiet), and not to speak up if something seems wrong.
Christa says
As someone who has worked in every aspect of the restaurant business I can tell you that this happens a lot. Many times both parties assume the other party has gotten the bill and both leave without paying. Please please don’t feel awkward about telling the server up front that there will be separate checks. This saves us so much time and we can better keep track of what goes on each bill if told up front. And many servers have to pay the bill when the table walks out without paying.
As a former server and now a restaurant owner I know before eating with other families that I will graciously be the one to leave the tip. I tip more than most people because I always had generous customers and always said I would pay it forward if I ever could.
I know I am on a soapbox but there are also many friends who I will no longer go out to eat with. Rudeness to servers or leaving me with a bill is a one time thing with me. I write it off as a lesson learnered and never accept their invitation again.
Megan Blanchard says
The writer of the article – you have a very forgiving heart. I think the other family dined and dashed. How do you forget to pay for your entire family’s dinner? What an awkward situation and I think it would’ve been okay to say something kindly and with tact and respect. It’s important to give freely and willingly, but also it’s okay to tell people when they are taking advantage of you.
Jean says
Before ordering, ask the server if they could put the orders on separate checks (family / couple / single person). Most servers/restaurants are fine with that. Be clear from the beginning, otherwise, you could find yourself paying for someone else’s order. I’ve never had any issues as long as it’s put on separate checks. If the other people at the table are offended or don’t want to do it that way, then I’d insist the server add my order onto their bill….Lol!
Jean says
Before ordering, ask the server if they could do separate checks for the groups at the table (family / couple / single). Most servers/restaurants are fine with that. By clearly stating that at the beginning, you’ll avoid any issues when the check comes because you’ll only be paying for what you ordered. Problem solved!
Tessa says
This is just bizarre! Did the “dine and dash” family think that the friend that invited everyone was paying the bill?
Lynn L says
This is such a good post! Very thought-provoking! We don’t like to be the first to say anything but with an outing with several families, we find ourselves saying that we will be doing separate bills up front to the waitress. My husband, who is very, very easy going with $ has been “burned” by having to help pay for others who didn’t leave an adequate tip or didn’t pay anything towards the “group shared” appetizers, etc. and he will be the first to say always ask for separate checks if there is any doubt in larger groups. The only time we don’t say anything is with a small group of friends (2 other couples) who we have been out with dozens of times and the bill is split 3 ways equally, (unless someone orders something crazy expensive)…I have learned (as the penny-saver) to order that favorite diet coke instead of water as the ladies all order sodas and the guys order bucket of beers. I feel like it’s a treat for me (as I normally just drink water to save $) and that in my mind makes the splitting more equal across the board.
Jen says
I understand your point about being generous (and I would normally agree)… but I think the family knew what they were doing. No thank you for dinner from them? They ate a lot of food too… if I was a guest I’d tend to be careful of what I order and tell the person who invited are you sure you want to pay because my family ate a lot. Some people take advantage of situations… I wasn’t there so maybe it was completely innocent, but the story seemed like something wasn’t right. It sounds like the typical dine and dash to me.
Amy says
I agree!! They left quickly without a Thank you. Usually if someone else pays I’ll offer to tip. I would also not be rude and wait for everyone and walk out with the party.
Sarah says
It’s hard to believe that this other family wasn’t aware that they hadn’t paid their bill. The key word here is “invited.” My guess is that because the other family was invited, they thought the individual who invited them was paying and left without thinking about the bill.
As others have said, this is not a criticism of the author, but this is not an act of generosity – a gift from the heart. Clearly, it was an oversight and should have been brought to the attention of the server or the person who invited them to dinner.
Reminds me of an incident years ago when a friend of mine and her husband were invited to Morton’s by another couple. They assumed that because it was an invitation, the other couple would pay. When the bill came, they were expected to split it. My friend ended up spending several hundred dollars for dinner.
When dining out with others, be sure to ask for a separate check when ordering.
Laurie says
We’ve had this happen more than once. Now if we go out in a group setting we are sure to tell the server when ordering (in a voice loud of enough for everyone to hear) that we would like seperate checks for each family/sub-group. We have yet to be stuck with the bill when doing this.
Scout says
In my opinion I would not have paid for them. It was not my bill any they sound like they took advantage. When you new new people generally people of good heart try to make a good first impression. That was pretty obviously a bad one. And probably not the first kind hearted person they have taken advantage of.
Sarah @ The Teacher's Wife says
This is a great post – thanks so much for sharing. I’ve been in situations like this before and it can be really frustrating for me – the type A person who works so hard to stick to our plan. Thankfully, my husband balances me out and helps me keep things in perspective. You are right. people are what really matter!
Julia says
I’m not sure what kind of “friend” asks a family with 5 young children to a dinner at an upscale restaurant anyway. That’s just awkward and shows how little they know about dining with kids. The writer of this article was super gracious, and I’m not faulting the writer. But I think it’s a good warning to be careful when you are dining out with other people, especially people you don’t know very well. I was a young intern at a company when I was invited to lunch with a large group of people. Having little money, I ordered a cup of soup with water while the rest of them were living it up with appetizers, drinks etc. When the bill came, someone actually suggested that they just divide it equally amongst all of us. I spoke up and said I was sorry, but I could not afford to do it and luckily one of the senior employees said no, we all pay for our own meals so I felt better about speaking out but still. I think the point of this article was to be generous, but it also serves as a reminder to be careful and mindful in these type of random dining scenarios.
Crystal Paine says
Agreed! I well remember those days of being with groups of people when we would just order water because we couldn’t afford even the cheapest thing on the menu but we still wanted to get to hang out with people. It’s made us much more conscious of people’s budgets and making sure that if we invite someone to join us for something that costs $$ that we will either just pay for the entire tab or make sure that it’s well within their budget to pay for their costs involved and that we’ve clearly decided upfront how we’re splitting the tab and that it’s not a financial burden to anyone.
Priscilla says
In cases where several families are going out to dinner to hang out, then let the waiter or waitress know your immediate family is on one bill right when you are about to order. It’s awkward to be stuck with someone else’s bill. If this happened to me, I would let the waiter or waitress know that some of the items on the bill were not ordered by me or my family.
Generosity works when you are giving with a cheerful heart.
Laura says
I agree. It is awkward to ask up front for separate checks, but being clear is really helpful. If someone was hosting the meal, they could have spoken up.
What a gracious heart! People are always more important.
wendy says
What I don’t understand is why no one thanked them for buying dinner. I agree there is a difference between being gracious and being taken advantage of.
Laura says
Wow! I admire your response, but I don’t think that I could’ve handled it in the same manner. Generosity is wonderful, but not when it is forced. I think I would have looked at the bill, laughed, and kindly let the dinner host know that he needed to call and let the others know they had forgotten to pay their bill.
Margery says
OK, I totally get the sweet and humble tone and intended message of this soul-searching post. I’m an ISTJ, too, and I think I would be completely hung up on the difference between being “generous,” and being “taken advantage of / imposed upon.” I’m sure that there are more contextual elements which didn’t come though.
B. says
I agree! I was a little confused about the acting gracious in front of the other guests, too. If the out of town friend was still there, why were they silently footing the bill for the family who had left? I do love how sweet and kind the author of this post is (and it is wonderful that she chose to be forgiving rather than resentful-I so much admire that!!), but I totally agree about the difference between being generous and being taken advantage of.
Jennifer says
Great article! Could the family have possibly thought the friend who invited everyone was being host/hostess and paying for all guests? I know as a teen I was invited to a “birthday party” at a very costly restaurant ( no prices in the menu type). We assumed it was a party and the parents were handling costs. There was only handful of guests. This was not the case and quite a few of us were in shock and unprepared for the bills that came our way !