Earlier this week, I posted a Peek Into Our Week post. One of the questions I received in response to that post was, “How do you have so many great friendships? How do you find friendships like this?” I started to respond to this question as a comment and my response got so long, I decided to turn it into a post. 🙂
For years, I didn’t have many close friends. I had many acquaintances, but very few people in my life with whom I could be completely honest.
I was insecure and a people-pleaser, so I always held back in relationships. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing or come across in the wrong way. Because of this, I usually just didn’t share things I was thinking about, working through, or struggling with at a deep level.
While this allowed me to not get so hurt in relationships and kept me more “safe”, it also meant that I felt lonely much of the time. I wanted to have close friendships, but I was scared of opening up and being vulnerable.
My personal journey from insecurity to confidence has transformed me from the inside out. And it’s also given me courage to step outside of the safe zone and reach out to people around me in an authentic way.
It’s taken years to get to this place, but I am so blessed to now have a group of really close friends. Friends who would drop everything to help me. Friends who I can share anything with and they will listen and won’t think I’m crazy (or maybe they think I’m crazy sometimes, but they still love me!). Friends who are life-giving. Friends who love me enough to have earned the right to speak the truth to me when I need to hear it. Friends who I just LOVE hanging out with and sharing life with.
It’s a beautiful thing to have relationships and community like this. But it didn’t happen overnight. For me, here were the three keys that helped me build these close friendships:
1. I Became Authentic & Vulnerable
If you want to build close relationships, it starts with being honest and authentic to who you are. A few years ago, I had this revelation: if I wanted people to love me for exactly who I was, I had to be exactly who I was when I was with them.
I had to stop trying to please whoever I was with, say what they’d want me to say, and walk on egg shells for fear of offending them. Instead, I just needed to be me — warts, short-comings, and all.
This doesn’t mean I need to air my dirty laundry for everyone nor does it mean I shouldn’t be considerate or use deference, but it does mean that I am committed to being authentic and real in my relationships.
If someone asks me how I am, I want to be honest in my response instead of just saying a pat answer like, “I’m fine.” If I’ve had a bad day or am struggling with something, I want to be vulnerable enough to at least briefly share this. If I want people to be authentic with me, I’ve got to be willing to open myself up and share about my messes, struggles, and short-comings, too.
2. I’ve Made People a Priority
Strong friendships don’t just happen; they are the result of lots of nurturing and cultivating. They are borne out of the investment of time, resources, and energy.
As a Type-A Driver personality who is also introverted, I can make productivity paramount to everything. But long term, this isn’t healthy and it’s also a sure-fire way to ruin relationships.
I’m learning that strong relationships require being willing to sacrifice and go outside my comfort zone to bless someone else. It’s not always convenient, but it’s always worth it.
One thing that has helped me balance productivity with making people a priority is to look for ways to incorporate friends into things I’m already doing. For instance, if you’re going to an event, ask someone to come with you. If you’re headed on an errand, ask someone to join you. If you’re working on a project, see if there’s someone who might like to come over and join you.
3. I Look for Specific Ways to Show I Care
You might feel like you just don’t have time to invest in friendships. I disagree. We all have time (or can make the time) to show people we care.
And it doesn’t have to take hours and hours of time. Look for little pockets of time throughout the day to invest in people you know. Here are a few ideas:
- When you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, text someone to let them know you’re thinking of them or to just check in and see how they are doing.
- When you are waiting in the carpool pick-up line, jot a quick note to someone who is going through a rough patch and mail it to them.
- When you are working on laundry or cleaning, call someone to check up on them.
- If you have a free evening or weekend, invite someone over to join you for dinner, a game, or a movie.
- If you see a great deal on something someone you know loves, shoot them a quick text to let them know. Or better yet, buy it for them and surprise them with it “just because”.
Always be looking for opportunities to reach out and bless someone else. Ask questions and take time to really listen to the responses. Be a giver. Pour into others.
There are so many blessings in living your life with outstretched arms. Plus, some of the deepest relationships will often blossom out of your willingness to take the time to show someone you care about them.
What advice do the rest of you have for building great friendships? I’d love to hear!
Want more encouragement on friendship? Read my posts on How Do You Find Good Friends? and How Do You Find Time to Be a Friend?
William says
I tend to be the same way, as in many acquaintances and few friends. I struggle with, believe it or not, honesty. If you want to be my friend be my friend – be honest, fair and leave the politics or over sensitivity at the door. I know too many people who will talk down to you and call it honesty but crumble if you even mention something they percieve to be negative.
People think I’m patient and have a thick skin. I just don’t have time to waste on foolishness. Maybe Its because I am a man or I am not trying to be the alpha dog or win a popularity contest.
I know, too long not to the point but I think the question calls for more than a simple quick answer.
Beth says
Hi Crystal,
Thank you for this article, and for being so open about your struggles and how you have overcome them! I heard you speak about this at Teach them Diligently as well, and it really stood out, because I struggle with insecurity and going deep with friendships too. I have been praying for God to bring me a group of women I can be open with, but I know there are also things that I need to change. I just can’t say enough how great this article is, and I love the practical things to work on! Blessings.
Sara Pulliam says
After about 5 years of not having any close friends (except for my husband) I quickly became good friends with a girl that I worked with. A year into our friendship we both became stay at home moms so our friendship grew. This was the closest friendship I had for a very long time and being the closed up introvert I am I probably didn’t expose myself like I should have. A few years ago her sister in law moved back to town and i got dropped like a dead fish. She quickly became more interested in doing things with her sister in law and her friends. I tried to stay friends but it didn’t seem like she had any interest. Wish I knew how to be a better friend.
Jessica says
I struggle with this too, but feel like I’ve gotten better. But now my problem is my husband has social anxiety and doesn’t want to make friends or go to small groups at church, etc. I feel like as a young family most people are looking for couple friends and I’m just out of luck.
Victoria says
This is a very good post, with lots of great advice for cultivating friendships. Thankyou! But, what if you pour your heart and energy into trying to cultivate a friendship, and it is not reciprocated? Friendship is a two-way street, and it can get tiring to try and invite someone over only to have them continually make excuses. How long do you keep trying?
Rebecca Schultz says
Thank you so much for writing this post. I definitely needed this and am in the same situation you used to be in. I hope I can use your tips to improve current relationships and build new ones. 🙂
Heather says
I’ve always wondered how you have so many friendships!
I’m always the “better” friend. I’m more reliable, unselfish and more thoughtful than the friends that we have. (Not saying our friends are completely any of those). My fiancé and I go out of our way for others more than others go out of their way for us. We are the more organized, simple and goal driven friends. Our friends are nearly opposite of us. Not that this is a bad thing but I’ve always wondered why this that? Do we simply have too high of standards? It’s amazing how different we all are.
You rock!
Teri says
We moved to a new state two years ago, away from all friends and family. I had my first baby during this time, so for the first few months, I felt homebound due to naps and nursing. We’ve since found a church and I’ve also joined a MOPS group. I’m introverted but can put on an outgoing front when I need to. My problem right now is going deeper with people. I feel like all conversation is smalltalk or about our kids. How do you take the next step with people you know, but aren’t really friends?
Mel says
Thank you for such a great post! I have a question for you– Are most of your friends local to your area? Or do you have many friends that are out-of-state? I have many friends, but I recently moved, and many of my friends have moved to new states too. So even though I have a great group of people I can call on, I don’t have anyone who can just pop by when I’m having a rough day. Just curious to get your thoughts on this. Thank you for being so real!
Petra says
Show yourself friendly & always be respectful to your friends or new people that you meet. Smile.
Laura says
I have a follow-on question…I am happy to be vulnerable and, though I am an optimistic person, I let my guard down with people and share my concerns with people openly and freely. And I provide a sounding board and keep the confidences of my friends as well.
The problem that I am having, and I am trying to figure out why, is that I am consistently the initiator in my friendships. People are happy to respond and connect, but they don’t initiate this connection, pretty much ever.
I suspect some of you would suggest I find different friends as these are not “true” friends, but this has been a pattern in all my friendships for decades. I wonder if it is because we are all moms now and catering to our kids’ and families’ needs, but I don’t really know. I will on occasion stop initiating contact to see if perhaps I am just too quick to initiate and, if I fall under the radar, will these friends initiate, but unfortunately, they don’t and the phone stays silent (gee, that sounds dramatic, doesn’t it!?).
So, my question is, should I just be the initiator and continue these friendships, or should I figure out a new way? I am truly interested in your perspectives MSM community, because I KNOW I don’t have all the answers, lol!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts.
Danielle says
I don’t have an answer for you, except that I am struggling with the same thing. A lifelong introvert, I finally got up the confidence to pursue friendships, make small talk with “new people”, initiate contact, and strive to bless others. It is hard and sometimes scary for me! But you’ve gotta do it to get conencted! My problem is there’s very little reciprocation, or at least very little initiation on others reaching out back to me.
That’s where all my self-doubt begins to creep back in. Just yesterday I almost had myself in tears wondering, why is no one getting back to me? Do they think I’m bragging when I share positive things? Do they think I’m stressful and high-strung when I share negative things? I start worring no one likes me. I hope it’s not true, but sometimes I really wonder. I know I’ve got to stop thinking like this. But not sure what the next step is for making friendships or staying connected when it seems like others don’t reach back.
Grandmother says
Laura and Danielle, I feel for both of you, as I experience all of those same feelings. I’m an introvert but have tried to make myself open and vulnerable [mostly I got “burned” ~ especially when I said things in confidence]. I also have a chronic health issue (environmental sickness) that makes it difficult to even leave my home anymore, and having folks over creates its own set of problems because of what they bring into our home with them.
Sometimes I get sympathy and care, but it seems mostly like it’s “out of sight ~ out of mind” because it’s just too hard to change their lifestyles so that I won’t be exposed to all the things that are toxic to me. [I need to make it clear that my dh is wonderful and protective; some of my kids are, and others not.]
What can a person like me do to have friends? I spend time on the laptop checking for prayer requests from family, friends, church prayer chain, and several blogs of folks I’ve barely (or never) met that have health issues that I pray for on a regular basis. I send e-mail notes or e-cards to many of them. I send birthday cards to the family (scattered across the country) and friends as well as notes to keep in touch with them, but so few even bother to respond…
I know that everyone has their own lives and issues that they are dealing with, but couldn’t someone send a quick e-mail reply once in a while? I don’t even expect phone calls anymore; and doesn’t that sound dramatic and self-pitying? I guess I’m still too self focused, or I wouldn’t be expecting anyone to initiate instead of me being the initiator each time. I know the Lord is always with me, but like the little child said, “Sometimes I’d just like/need someone with ‘skin on’.”
Guest says
YES! I’m almost 40 and this has also always been my experience. It is very hurtful. My friends even comment on it, saying things like – you are such a better friend to me than I am to you or you’re the one who has kept our friendship going all these years.
I appreciate them recognizing it but it’s like, soooo, why don’t you do something to change it?
I don’t have the answers but I’ll share two thoughts. One, when I’ve made it a point to NOT initiate with friends, I have seen whether this is really a loss to them. I couldn’t tell you the last time I spoke with a long-time friend because I decided to let her initiative and she hasn’t. Two, my husband told me once (this sounds so arrogant but I promise these were his words!) that I’m just more thoughtful than most people and more organized. So while I write down when friends have doctors appointments or other life events and make sure to call, write, etc., apparently most people don’t do this. He said this years ago and I’ll be darned but I think he’s right.
All that to say, some of them may need to be let go but others may genuinely love you , they’re just not as thoughtful or organized to show it in the ways you do. I look forward to seeing the responses of others!
Laura says
We must have similar husbands Guest! Mine says the same things. I am, indeed, thoughtful and organized, more so than most, but it is still puzzling to me that others don’t reciprocate more readily.
I did lose one friend because she got mad that I stopped calling her. I thought to myself , “Well, was YOUR phone broken all summer?” I decided that losing that friendship, in the end, was okay with me. However, I don’t wish to lose ALL my friendships, lol! A girl’s gotta have friends, right?!!
Like you, looking forward to other responses :).
Guest says
Those darn phones are just breaking all over the place! 😉
Heather says
I basically just wrote the same thing! Are you an older (wiser?) version of me!?
Laura says
Cracking me up, Heather! Not sure I am wiser, maybe just a little more “traveled,” lol! I am 51, but I have found this to be the case basically my whole life. I am an organized and thoughtful person, but as someone wrote earlier, it is nice to be sought out occasionally, rather than always being the “seeker.”
I give myself grace and decide that I very much enjoy being a kind and thoughtful friend. I try not to waste in on people who are not grateful (and there have been several along the way). My reward is in my own satisfaction of being a kind friend. But, sometimes, I go all “kindergarten” and want the favor of the return of kindness.
I was hoping that maybe someone could give me a better explanation than my sweet husband who just thinks I am the best friend ever (which, I have to say, I am totally not! We have had no income for about 18 months and no assistance either, living on savings only, so I can’t ever take a friend out for lunch, etc. Maybe that is why I try to call and reach out in that way. Perhaps that is my treasure to share, rather than actual treasure).
Love to hear other people’s experiences. So nice to not feel like the only one! Thanks!
Guest says
Ha! Just read your comment. This was me when I was younger, too. I will say that when we lived in a larger, metropolitan area I had some absolutely wonderful friendships. We moved to a smaller town and different state and there are many lovely people but I feel like the culture just isn’t me so it’s been more challenging. Plus I have kids now as do others so that changes things, too. Just said a prayer for you and Laura to find deep, reciprocal friendships. 🙂
Laura says
Thank you, Guest. That is a very kind and thoughtful gesture that is much appreciated. I just did the same for you :). Here is hoping that we find those fabulous friends right under our noses, in the least likely places!
Uma @ Centsible Indian says
Crystal,
Totally agree with you. The only way to cultivate friendship is to spend your time and care for them wholeheartedly. During the process of finding great friends, you’ll meet people you don’t really align with and it’s ok.
I have few close friends who pray for me every day. They’re few continents away from me. But I don’t think we lost the connection ever. They’re the ones I turn to during hard times.
Good friends make your life colorful! 🙂
Holly says
What a great post. This is definitely one I can relate to. The thing I find most difficult, and that I’ve struggled with for a while, is meeting those people who could ultimately become good friends. I’m introverted, and I find it exhausting sometimes to make the effort to join new groups and meet new people. This is more difficult now that I’m older and I have kids. Between working full-time and being a mom, I struggle to find the time and energy to just get out of the house sometimes! How and where does everyone else go to make new friends?
Michelle says
Crystal, thanks so much for this post! Sometimes people make friendship look easy, but it’s like any other relationship…it takes an investment. Thanks for the practical tips that can help people who are just needing some encouragement to put themselves out there.
Lori says
just wanted you to know that the Lord is using you to speak to me. The things you have posted lately have spoken directly to me. Thank you for sharing and letting me know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who gets homesick and cries and has a messy house (from time to time) and piles of laundry and just wants to save a buck or two and that it’s okay if everything doesn’t get done in one day. Exhale!!! Thank you!!!!
Laurie says
Thank you so much Crystal for doing this amazing post. Like many others have said it is hard to put yourself out there as you feel very vulnerable. From this day forward I am going to count all of my blessings and open my heart to new people. We do have a womens bible study every Thurs morning that I am going to make a priority to go to.
Susan Benoit says
47 years I have had the pleasure of having my best friend by my side. We somehow always knew when to give that special hug when we needed it the most when those life’s upside down would haunt us. The last four months I spent by her hospital bed doing what any best friend would do. My own doctor put it ” it take a special person and friend to help someone die.” We went through grade school, Jr. High, High school, and then collage. Boyfriends, weddings, diaper changing and raising our children together to be the best young adults possible. So the answer to your question is in our hearts being able to love a person as you love yourself.
Laura says
Praying for you and your friend, Susan. Blessings to you both!
Susan says
Thank you for your kind words and prayers.
Susan says
Great advice Crystal. I particularly like the suggestion to invite someone along with you on projects or events that you think the will like. Many true friendships are born, and maintained, with people whom you share a common interest.
I have a co-worker whom I now consider to be a wonderful friend. For quite some time our relationship was strictly work-related, although I did like her a lot and thought of her as someone I’d choose as a friend. One day she hung a small quilt on her office wall. I enjoy quilting and thought hers was just lovely, and I made a comment about it, which sparked a conversation, which resulted in our discovery that we share this interest.
Sometime after that, there was a quilt show in town that I wanted to go to, so I asked if she’s like to go with me. That was the beginning of what is now a friendship that I treasure.
Sarah says
Thanks Crystal! You inspired me to create a facebook event to gather some friends just because!
Guest says
You are such a blessing, Crystal. You’ve been blessing me since 2007! 🙂
I’m an extrovert (not super high, though) but I’m very passionate. I prefer a small group of very deep friendships. I feel like some locations are just harder to do that. I guess it’s cultural. I wonder if your move put you into the path of people who were more similar to you?
I ask that because I feel like mine has gone in reverse. I had those really deep friendships, moved to an area that I don’t always feel like I “fit” the culture and have found it much harder to find and foster those deep friendships.
Lydia says
I was wondering too if your move and even the fact that you are doing as much speaking etc. has made it easier in the sense that you are brushing shoulders with a lot more people who might think and be interested in similar things. Maybe not? At any rate, I’m so glad that you are creating some great, deep, authentic friendships. They are such a huge gift and make life just so much more enjoyable!
I agree with what “Guest” wrote above. I’ve always had deep relationships but the last number of years have been hard for the same reason that she said. I definitely could do better with the points you listed but at the same time have felt like I truly have tried but it seems like people here just don’t want to open up and have deep, authentic relationships.
All that to say, I’m not trying to discount you. I really enjoyed this post and thought what you said was so true! I am a task oriented type of person and can easily become work focused, so your point #2 really jumped out at me.
Jillbert says
I am also introverted so it has taken me a long time to make the few truly good friends I have. I feel very fortunate to have them in my life. My problem, now, is that my 11 yo son just started a new school. While he is doing fine, I feel so alone there. Last night at a 6th grade parent meeting, I had empty seats all around me. All the other moms knew each other and were talking together and I was invisible. At the meeting, questions were given to discuss with the person next to you. There was no one next to me. How do you make friends in situations like this? Or heck, I’ll settle for acquaintances — someone to at least say “hi.”
Laura says
This is always hard. Just put yourself out there, introduce yourself to the person or group of people closest to you. I know it’s hard. For me that is the easier part. The hardest part for myself is small talk after you know acquaintances and they are friends that you don’t go out with but you know through school, friends of friends, etc. I am the worst with small talk. Now, my husband can talk to absolutely anyone for hours. Small talk is just so hard!
Cindy says
Crystal, you are always such an inspiration to me! I really needed to read this, as it’s something I’ve been trying to work on in my own life. Are there any books you’ve read and would recommend that helped you in the journey to becoming more confident/making friends more easily?
Jamie says
I love this topic! I tend to be focused on whatever I’m doing and whoever I’m with. So I’ve trained myself to spend a few minutes per day intentionally thinking about others in my life: what is going on with them these days, what is coming up in their lives. Then I pray for them right then and possibly call or text. On Sundays I try to think through different relationships and plan out for the coming week how to reach out to those I haven’t seen in a while.
I used to think this was too “un-spontaneous” to be authentic, but it helps me get outside myself and into others’ worlds.
Thank you for sharing your journey!
Ashley says
My hubby is always telling our children- to have friends, show yourself friendly. This is what the Bible says. Also, do unto others as you would have them do to you. A heart that is pure and focused on the other, will have actions that follow – and take the risk of rejection. In my flesh it is hard, but in the Spirit completely possible!
Stacy @ A Delightful Home says
This is a fantastic post, Crystal! I can relate to so much of it.
Since being diagnosed with a chronic illness, I’ve found it easier to let my guard down. I’m not sure why. I guess I’m acutely aware of how much I don’t have it all together. I’ve also let go of some people-pleasing tendencies, but still struggle with that a bit.
I love how intentional you are in cultivating friendships. It’s wonderful to see.
Sami Cone says
So refreshing to read this Crystal. Proud of how you’ve learned to not only look deep within yourself but to allow others in as well. Glad you’re in our neck of the woods now!