Last week, I was recording a podcast with Andy Andrews and he asked the million-dollar question, “How do you do it all?”
My response was simply this, “While I do juggle a number of balls, there are many more more balls I’ve chosen to drop or hand off to someone else.”
Re-read what I just wrote. Yes, I’ve selectively chosen to drop balls. And I’m okay with that.
I Tried to Do It All & Failed
However, for a long time, I wasn’t okay with that. I tried to do way too much. I said “yes” to many more opportunities than I had time or energy for.
I’m Type A and have a very high-driving personality. I’m the kind who doesn’t want to admit that I can’t do it all. So you can imagine that it’s hard for me to say “no.”
But when I hit rock bottom a few years ago and realized that my health, my marriage, my home, and my life as a whole was out of whack because of being overextended, I had to get radical and just start saying no to all non-necessities.
Stripping Out the Non-Necessities
As I chronicled in Say Goodbye to Survival Mode, once I stripped my life of all non-necessities, I then had enough breathing room in my life to determine what I call my Best Stuff List. This is a list of the very few things I want to wrap my time and energy around.
To come up with the Best Stuff List, I had to fast forward in my mind to 25 years from now and think what things would be a priority then. I want to live now thinking of finishing well. And when you consider what’s going to really matter in 25 years, it pares down your life to the true priorities.
My Best Stuff List
I now hold up everything in my life in light of my Best Stuff List and those few things I’ve determined are true priorities. Everything — from opportunities to commitments to everyday responsibilities — is compared against my Best Stuff List to see whether it’s in line with these priorities or not.
This might seem harsh or rigid, but in reality, it’s freeing for me. Because I don’t want to waste my days spinning my wheels on things that don’t really matter.
What is a priority for one person won’t necessarily be a priority for another. And what’s a priority for one season, won’t necessarily be a priority for another.
But stripping away all the fluff and getting to the heart of what is actually a priority for you at this season of life will change the way you live. And it will empower you to stop feeling obligated to say “yes” to things that aren’t important for you and will only crowd out the room for what is important.
What To Do About the Guilt
It’s not always easy to say “no.” I want to help everyone. I want to volunteer for a lot of things. I want to accept many different opportunities that come my way.
But I also want to take care of my health. I want to grow in my spiritual walk. I want to be a loyal friend. And I don’t want to give my family the leftovers of my time and energy.
So I have a choice: I can exhaust myself trying to do most everything. Or I can choose to say “no” to most things and only do a few things well.
Sometimes, It’s Hard to Say “No”
Just today, I had to say a hard “no” — and it hurt my heart. A dear woman asked if I would help her with her book project. She wanted someone to look over it and give her honest feedback.
I love to do this sort of thing as often as I’m able, but because my blogging/writing time is full right now between blogging and writing my own book, I knew that the time for helping her with her book could only come out of family time.
At a different season — when I’m not in the middle of my own book project — I could probably carve out time to help her. But right now, I have to look at my priorities and realize that I have to prioritize family time over other projects right now.
And so I wrote her and said no as graciously as I could and she was so understanding in her response to me — which I was grateful for. Even though my heart really wanted to help her, my heart knows my family has to come first in this situation.
What Matters Most
I only have one life to live. When I say “yes” to one thing, it means I must say “no” to something else.
At the end of the day, I don’t want to regret the things I’ve said “yes” to. If saying “no” to many great things allows me the space in my life to say “yes” the best things, it’s worth it.
…to be continued later this week.
Do you struggle to say “no” sometimes? What have you said “no” to in order to say “yes” to the best? I’d love to hear!
Alexis@Clip Your Cash says
Crystal,
I finally said No!! I recently finished Say Goodbye to Survival Mode and I have been really thinking about your remarks about saying no so you can say yes to the best. This week I was really stretched thin and then I read this post which only continued to make me examine my priorities and think about how I could change my situation. Long story short, after a lot of soul-searching, I finally said no to something today.
This was so hard for me to do, but I feel so much better now. It wasn’t a huge thing (just a project that took about an hour of time a week), but since I have always said yes to everything, I feel like it is such an important milestone for me.
Thanks so much for helping me say no. I really needed it!!
Crystal Paine says
This is HUGE!! That first “no” is so very hard and I am proud of you for being courageous to choose what is BEST!
Sally says
“Saying Goodbye to Survival Mode” was really life-changing for me. Listing my God-given priorities and then making goals for each one has really simplified my life and brought so much joy and purpose. I also loved your advice of creating a morning routine – so helpful! Your book and Tommy Newberry’s book, “Success is Not an Accident” have been the perfect pair to encourage me to live a life of passion and purpose. I’m reminded of the poem by the great missionary athlete, C.T. Studd:
“Only one life
’twill soon be past;
only what’s done for Christ
will last.”
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Crystal!
Crystal Paine says
I am so very grateful! Thank you so much for your kind encouragement!
Kim says
Thank you for sharing this. Such an encouraging read. Everyone needs a time out to collect their thoughts and take care of themselves.
Holly says
This is the best thing I’ve read of yours that you have written. I mean that as a compliment. It hit very close to home to me right now.
Crystal Paine says
Aw, thank you so much for your sweet encouragement! I’m grateful that this post was a blessing!
Stephanie says
This was a really great reminder, as my husband just brought up last night that he feels like we’re close to the point of getting overextended. I SO want to help, volunteer, and jump into everything I can. I cut back big time after my second son was born, but have been slowly adding things back one at a time – and now the commitments have really accumulated! I really enjoyed your book, I just need to get my Best Stuff down on paper. Thanks for all you do 🙂
Anna says
Excellent Post and so timely for me. I feel like my plate is waaaay too full right now. I need to make one of those lists, as well. I just don’t know what I want to give up! Everything I’m doing right now is something that I just absolutely LOVE! I will definitely need to bring this list before the Lord.
Meegan says
There was actually a series of this just posted yesterday on Revive Our Hearts ministry that echoed what you said but also added some extra insight into the “whys” of margin from a Biblical perspective. Just wanted to share! https://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/revive-our-hearts/villain-1000-faces/
Crystal Paine says
Thanks so much for sharing!
JF says
Why is it hard to say “no”. Is it because we don’t want to dissapoint anyone and we’ve been “programmed” to be selfless and put others needs before our own?
I think we’ve been bombarded with saying “no” so much but we still are not able to do so.
What’s the reason behind that? Just a question to the posters. You all have good insight and I appreciate reading the comments and answers to others questions.
Logically we know what we should do but too often we don’t. We keep r than two handfuls of work” . Is this lack of balance due to our giving and giving until we burn out. “One handful of rest is betteculture or our personality types?
Crystal Paine says
These are great questions — and so thought-provoking! Thanks for taking time to comment!
robbie @ GOING GREEN MAMA says
I think it’s because so many DO say no, and so consistently that the rest of us feel compelled to fill in the gap. 🙁
Kristy says
This post really describes where I am in my life right now. I am completely overwhelmed and overcome with anxiety because of it. I kept telling myself that it is just a season and when XYZ happens I will feel better. A few months ago I visited my doctor, who is also a friend. As we talked about my health she said, “Kristy, your plate is too full. You have to let some things go.” I balked at first and wondered how in the world I would choose? After all, if I didn’t like to or want to do something I would say no. More recently, I have been left in a puddle of tearful worry wondering how I’m going to get it all done. I really need a “Best Stuff” list, and I really need to follow my doctor’s advice. Yesterday I saw my doctor again and as we worked through my commitments together, she smiled as I agreed to allow her to take me off work for a couple of weeks for rest… and to figure out what my “Best Stuff List” is. I would appreciate prayers from anyone who reads this..that God blesses my time of rest and that he gives me a clear vision of what my priorities should look like.
Crystal Paine says
{Hugs!}, Kristy! I am so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed! I just prayed for you to have courage to make decisions that are best for your health and sanity long-term and to give you rest and refreshment.
charity says
I need prayer for myself in this area I too am a type-A person and struggle with saying yes to the best. I have a heart to help everyone and try to do it all and it is really taking a toll on me.
Thanks
Kristy says
God, you are the almighty Creator and you know what our bodies and minds are capable of. You know when we have reached our limits, and we are much slower to figure it out…usually it’s when we crash and burn. God, help the women who have identified with this post and give us an extra measure of peace. Your Word promises peace. Help us to dwell on your promises instead of our worries. In the name of Jesus, let it be done. Amen.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
charity says
You are precious thank you for the prayer!
Crystal Paine says
{Hugs!} Can I encourage you to remember that you are actually able to serve others *better* when you aren’t running on empty yourself? This has helped me be able to give myself grace to rest and not feel obligated to say “yes” to everything.
I just prayed for courage for you to make wise decisions and wisdom to know what you need to say “yes” to and what you need to delete or delegate.
Elizabeth says
I struggle to say no a lot. It’s over extended ourselves not just with my lack of time as I run from one place to another fitting it all in with work and kids and the kids school work and the house and cooking….. Then I’ll turn around and give someone a ride, babysit their kid or numerous other things but it has also overextended ourselves financially where I couldn’t watch a family go homeless and though it was ‘suppose’ to be paid back and we wrote up a contract a year later I don’t see the rent I paid for them back and it’s still making our lives much harder.
I haven’t really learned how to say no to the favors though I have let people know my schedule more publicly and they’ve backed off realizing I am I very busy person and I have been better about refusing financial aid to anyone. It took a very hard lesson that we are still trying to recover from to do it though.
Empathy can really be a curse.
Crystal Paine says
I am so sorry you had to deal with such frustrating situations! I so know how hard it is when you just care so deeply about people and want to help them! {Hugs!}
Amy says
Just yesterday I had to say no to a job that I really enjoyed. I was gone most nights and some weekends and it was creating too much stress for my husband and daughter. I had to realize that it is not the right job for this season of my life. But, God is good, He provided a position where I work during the day and I can bring my daughter. 🙂
Crystal Paine says
Yay! I am so very grateful to hear this! Thanks for sharing such an encouraging story!
Theresa says
Can you provide a link to Part 1 of this series? Somehow I missed it. I’m a mom who works 40 hours outside the home. I have a 2-year old and another on the way. I’m really working on prioritizing my time so I’d be interested in reading the full series. Thanks!
Crystal Paine says
Here you go: https://moneysavingmom.com/2014/08/make-24-hour-day-part-1.html I hope it’s an encouragement to you! It sounds like you have a *lot* on your plate!
Esther says
It’s so hard to say no to anything at church. I have three kids (8, 6, and 4), so I feel like I need to help with all the kids’ ministries . . . AWANA, Sunday School, Children’s Church, nursery, etc. There never seem to be enough workers in these areas (and people always cancel at the last minute), and it’s SO hard for me to say now when I get a phone call asking for my help . . .
I’ve been reading Lysa TerKeurst’s book “The Best Yes” and I think it’s going to help me to say “no” to some things in the future! Really awesome book!
Crystal Paine says
What has helped me is to set parameters for things like that. Maybe you commit to helping twice a month — or whatever works best and that you feel is a realistic commitment — and then you are able to be more free to say no to anything that is outside those parameters unless you are absolutely sure it’s realistic and doable.
I cannot WAIT to dive into Lysa’s book!
robbie @ GOING GREEN MAMA says
I confess. I am a bit selfish. When I am at kids’ school/sports/scouts activities, I am more than happy to volunteer my time to make them successful. That being said I know my limits. My son is becoming a Cub Scout and the first words out of my mouth are “I’m a Girl Scout leader and cannot take on another troop, but I’m happy to help on the last Tuesday of the month when I don’t have conflicts.” (Could I have signed up to take on the troop after the Girl Scout meeting? Probably. But Mom needs to be her best self too, and a tired Mom after Girl Scouts won’t be much help with energetic 1st grade boys!) I know I can’t take off work to help with Little Flowers, but I’m happy to be the idea generator/shopper for the mom who can get there but just doesn’t feel she has a creative bone.
If we all tapped into our talents more, maybe there would be fewer women feeling trapped into always saying YES just so someone did.
Stacey says
I couldn’t sleep tonight, so after about 30 solid minutes of trying, I decided to get on the computer. I have no idea what compelled me to do this, but I thought of your site. It’s one of the only blogs I really read/visit more than just once in a while. A lot of what you post really hits home for me, and this is one of those posts. I have such a hard time saying no to anything. To the point that I don’t take care of myself really at all. I am 2 years late for a checkup, it gets that bad. I always make sure to have the rest of my family squared away, but with my little minutes here and there I allow myself, I find that I spend them worrying and feeling like something’s not right. I think I need to really sit down and make a list like yours. The things that are really going to matter in 25 years from now. Thanks so much for this post 🙂
Crystal Paine says
{Hugs!} I hope you ended being able to get some rest last night. I’m grateful that this post was an encouragement to you!
Jenni says
I almost struggle with the opposite problem. I am a ministers wife and mom of three kids (with another one due in April). I have heard it is hard for many ministers wives to put up boundaries like this. But for me, I’ll have the church say no for me. While they are so kindly looking out for me, there are many times I feel it would be part of my best to do it. But then there are things they want of me that aren’t my best. I’m always trying to assure them that I’m capable of saying yes and no.
On the other hand I really struggle with telling my hubby no when there is extra that I just can’t do. (I do say yes to him as much as I can though. ).
🙂