One of our girls was hanging out in our room before bed the other night. We were chatting about a number of different things and the conversation led to this daughter telling me some fairly critical things about someone they didn’t really know.
Immediately, I called this daughter out on it. “How do you know that person is that way? Have you met them?” I asked.
She said that she was very sure these things were true because another acquaintance of hers had told her it was so. I began probing deeper, asking if she had contributed to the conversation and had talked badly about this person. I asked what had been said and what she had said.
Seeing my opportunity for a great teaching lesson, I got all queued up to step onto my soapbox and launch into a long “sermon” on gossip, slander, and why we should always speak respectfully about other people — both to their face and behind their back.
{If you know me well, I’m sure you can picture this because you know I love nothing more than to be a “fixer”. I love to analyze, probe, ask questions, and provide clear-cut solutions and plans of action.
This might seem like a good character trait — and it can be. But my friends will also tell you that I’m great at trying to fix any and every situation, regardless of whether it needs to be fixed right away or at all.
And best of all (or not), I’m really good at trying to fix situations I haven’t been asked to fix. Yeah. Not so good or helpful or appreciated. But I digress.}
I was getting pretty animated and patting myself on the back for the great points I was conveying to my daughter. Not only was I giving her some really concise and clear-cut definitions, I was backing these definitions up with illustrations.
All the while, inwardly I’m thinking: “Man, I’ve GOT this. I mean, I’m really good at these Parenting Lessons. My daughter is so blessed to have such a wise mom.”
Ahem.
About halfway through my “AMAZING” Parenting Lesson, my daughter stops me with a funny look on her face.
“Mom, but I don’t get it. Because I hear you saying critical stuff about other people to Daddy all the time.”
Um, can you say BUSTED? My puffed up, I’ve-got-this, incredible sermon just got completely sucker-punched.
I was left speechless {which my husband would say is a very rare occurrence.}
There was nothing more I could say. Because, you see, my daughter was right.
I have been guilty of saying critical words about other people to my husband.* I didn’t realize my daughter was listening when I’ve said these things, but she was.
Minutes before, I was arrogantly thinking what a wise mom I was. Now, I had to humble myself and ask my daughter to forgive me for setting such a poor example before her. And I resolved, with God’s help, to be much more careful about the words I say, the attitude I have toward others, and the example I’m setting before my kids.
My children are watching, listening, and learning every day in how I live my life. What I try to teach my children with verbal parenting lessons does have weight, but the life I live before them is what matters most.
All the fancy, clear-cut, compelling parenting sermons in the world don’t matter if my life doesn’t match up to them.
*While there is a time and place for me to bring an issue with another person to my husband for his counsel, that time and place is never when my children are around to hear it (unless it clearly involves them and is something that discussing about as a group will be helpful to them, instead of just slander and gossip). Even then, situations when I need to discuss some problem about another person with my husband should be rare, not a regular occurrence.
Kathy says
I so admire your honesty and humility. Thank you for the reminder that we all need to be good examples for our children. AND…that we are all human.
kim says
Oww! My Toes!!!
Chris says
I have a question to Crystal and other readers regarding the following: How do you manage to teach your children that weight or your outward appearance (clothes, make up, etc) is not important when you are struggeling with your weight or body yourself? I don’t have kids (yet) but this is something I am thinking about a lot.
Nik @ Midlife Finance says
Kids are great listeners. My wife and I talked many times about things that are not for children, thinking that our daughter does not listen. We were unpleasantly surprised when we realized that she was actually listening to us and we were giving her a bad example.
Gina B says
Yep, my daughter called me out on the same thing! She stopped me dead in my tracks! I was crushed! But it was a great learning lesson for me…and i DID learn! And I let her have her moment…her moment to call it to my attention and inform me. I told her she was exactly right and that I felt terrible. I think it was good for her to see that I’m not perfect…and I’m fine w/ it, too!
Trish says
I was thinking just the other day how difficult it is to discipline my children for issues that I know I am still guilty of committing myself: impatience, pride, selfishness. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. I definitely believe that God sends us children not only so we can learn more about His great love for us, but also so we can see the work we still need to allow Him to do in our lives.
Melanie says
I loved this post & the casual funny writing style. I got a good chuckle & reminder on something that is a constant work in progress around here. As my tween is struggling with mean girls currently it can be hard to role model the behavior I would like to see from her.
Tresa says
Thanks for this article! I am leading my women’s group through your book and Courtney Joseph’s ‘Women Living Well.’ We discussed a lot about gossip and I pray we are gaining ground in this area as ‘mama’s’ and women of the church. Such an important issue!
Melissa A. says
Thank you for sharing this story. It is helpful to hear that other parents make mistakes like me too!! I have also started to apologize to my kids when I mess up. Thanks for that idea!
Kendra says
Ugh. Yes. So guilty of this and must do better. So grateful to you Crystal, and other readers, for sharing in these joys and struggles in a manner that truly encourages and inspires me to do better without ever feeling judged or inadequate. Money Saving Mom is truly a great community!
tina says
Thank you for this Crystal. I am so guilty of this very thing. I have to set the example for my children.
Bobbi says
Thanks for sharing! My 2 yr. old has yet to call me out on something, but she has started to discuss how juice and soda and coffee are bad for her….but I think she’s totally lost because she sees me and my husband drinking them. I’m trying to explain that as she gets older, she can have small amounts of those things but they are not healthy for every day. Probably my actions are not making sense to her and I’m NOT teaching her anything with my actions. Good reminder that our children are always watching us and learning from what we are doing, not what we are telling them to do!
MaryEllen@ImperfectHomemaker says
Ouch! The blog post I have planned for today is about teaching your children by example. For real. But you know one thing I haven’t set the example for to my own children? This exact thing. It’s so easy to not think about because I’m talking to my husband about, you know, important stuff. But it’s not okay. Thanks for this; I needed the reminder.
Jenny M says
Tears to my eyes Crystal– what a wonderful post. I know that every one of us can apply it to our lives. More care/less judgement and criticism when speaking about others- in front of them and behind their backs. And role modelling is more about what we do than what we say. These posts are incredible– your writing has really taken a turn this year on the blog!
Heather Jones says
Thank you for this post and always being so honest with us.
Sarah @The Teacher's Wife says
I remember reading somewhere recently a quote to the effect of how our children are reflections of us – and it was so humbling. But aren’t you so thankful for the sweet forgiveness of a child and the Lord’s forgiveness as well? I’m right there with you and am learning that my kids oftentimes teach ME some pretty big lessons rather than the other way around {and mine are still really little!!}. Thanks for sharing !! 🙂
Wendy, A Day in the Life on the Farm says
The fact that your daughter is able to respond as she did is a tribute to your parenting as well as how you responded to her response.
Maria says
I once read or was told that what you like most about other people, and the people you are closest to, show the good qualities you also have. Likewise, the things you criticize others about are the same type of criticisms/weaknesses you have about yourself also. I’ve taken that to heart and try to be understand a person’s situation before I start criticizing them. I’ve also noticed how much I’ve changed the wording of my criticisms since then, too.
Charlotte says
Thanks for sharing this even though it’s not an easy thing to share. Just another reminder of how the “do as I say, not as I do” phrase that so many parents use does not work! We can give them daily sermons but they’ll liklely not change unless they see us change first. And I know the modeling works well…my two year old saw me put watermelon and cucumber slices in my water for a few days. Now I randomly find bits of meat, mushrooms, banana, whatever food we’ve just had…in my water jar. I’ve given up on the flavored water for now. She’s just not “getting” my requests to NOT put stuff in Mommy’s water!
Amber says
Haha! Oh, my. 🙂
Johanna @ My Home Tableau says
Oh I get this! I was just talking to my husband about being frustrated at the lack of kind speech going on and then realizing that much of the time they were mimicking my “frustrated” or “in a hurry” or just plain “rude” tones. Sigh… Parenting is so humbling.
But so grateful for grace to forgive and move on and try to learn from our mistakes!
Tricia says
Thank you for being transparent and….REAL! There is nothing more humbling than to hear our mistakes through our children’s view. They don’t realize they are being “brutally honest”, they are just telling us what they see and hear us doing and saying. It usually doesn’t sound near as cute when it comes out of their mouth!
cwaltz says
One of the biggest gifts we can give our kids is to teach them that everyone is fallible, including us. It makes it easier when they make that inevitable mistake for them to learn to forgive themself, pick themselves up, learn from their mistake and then try harder.
My kids know that I pretty much don’t have a set time to pray because I spend all day long praying for guidance and God’s grace from sun up to sun down. No appointment required.
Sara Furlong says
I was recently driving into the country with my kids, hunting for this organic farm, preaching to them about respecting the Earth and blah, blah, blah.
Then all of a sudden my FOUR-YEAR-OLD asks “aren’t we making global warming right now because we’re driving in the car?”
Haha. Very humbling.
Jennifer K Powell says
Thank you for this post, Crystal. I’ve been struggling with hearing my own voice coming out of my daughter’s mouth lately and it is jarring! I also have some praying to do! Thank you for your honesty.
Sarah says
Crystal,
I was holding my breath, waiting for your daughter to say that she had heard YOU saying these things about the person she was talking about. I was actually relieved that it was an acquaintance that had told her these things, rather than her Mom…only to have you have to call yourself out anyway. Oops! Kids are great mirrors aren’t they?! One of the things I’ve read from you over and over has been about apologizing to your children. I think that is one of the GREATEST things you can do and that will teach them more than all of your “great Mom sermons” combined.
Rachel says
I needed to hear this! I think I often forget my kids are listening to me- even when I am having a conversation with my husband. Thank you for the reminder. I need to remember “If you cannot say something nice, don’t say it at all!”
Missus says
It is humbling to have our mistakes pointed out to us, and by our own child. Kudos to you for admitting it to her – and to us.
Misty Nicole Overstreet-Roberts (The Lady Prefers To Save) says
This reminds me of a lesson my mother taught me. When I was in elementary school, my mother, picking me up from school overheard some of my friends and I making a disparaging comment about a fellow student. My mother said nothing about this. A few weeks went by and when I came home from school, I found a plaque hanging in my room with the following:
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. -Eleanor Roosevelt”
I got her meaning loud and clear, and I have never forgotten that.
Sarah says
Misty,
I was also told that phrase, in high school, and it stuck with me too — not that I’ve always been great at following the advice. 🙂
K says
Thank you for humbly sharing this great illustration of the big, bad, mama blind -spots we all have.
I hope it encourages you to know, that in all likelyhood your daughter will forget all the details of the times you spoke a critical word of someone. (Though clearly gossip/slander are sins and we have to take that seriously)
She will likely remember well the time her mom said, “I was wrong, please forgive me.” And, with Gods help, made serious strides to change.
This isn’t excusing anything, just a sweet reminder of how gracious The Lord is to us in parenting and how quickly humbling ourselves in repentant obedience can dilute the stink of our sins.
Way to fight back in this area!
Denise says
What I love even more than your humility and honesty in sharing this story with us is that your daughter picked up immediately on what you were talking about and transferred what you were teaching her to situations she had heard you talk about. Not only did she LISTEN to what you were saying but she immediately applied it to read life! That is amazing. That right there makes you a great mom!
Claire says
I totally relate to this, and I admire your humility in writing about it. Thank you for an important reminder.
Jamie says
Guilty! I try to be mindful of where the children are when I am talking to my husband about a situation involving another person, but my children have certainly heard me being critical of others. Definitely a bad habit I am aware of and really do try to refrain from doing.
Allyson @ All Our Days says
I’m so glad I’m not the only one that this happens to. I love the idea of thinking about the type of person we want our children to become and then being that person. Whether we know it or not they are always listening and watching.