I heard the crash.
It almost sounded like a gunshot.
I knew something had broken. Possibly a window. Possibly worse.
Silas was outside and my mother’s intuition knew that it wasn’t good. I immediately went to see what had happened… even though I was a little scared to see what it was.
He met me at the bottom of the stairs, before I had a chance to investigate. His head was down, his voice quivering, “Mom, it’s really b-a-d.”
I could tell he was really upset. Shame was written all over his face.
He had done something bad and he felt terrible about it.
He pointed to the large window above our front door and I saw the big hole his baseball had left.
Instead of frustration, I instantly felt compassion. It had been an accident. He had been throwing his baseball against the garage door and it had ricocheted off the door and hit the window and busted right through it.
Was he throwing it too close to the window? Possibly. Was he being a little careless? Maybe.
But he knew that he had caused damage and he felt so upset about it. He wanted to make it right, he was extremely apologetic, and felt very repentant over his actions.
This was not the time for harsh words or lectures. Instead, I wrapped my arms around him and told him that I loved him, that I wasn’t upset with him, and that it could easily be fixed.
I talked to him about how I was grateful no one had gotten hurt, I was glad it was our window, and how this would be a reminder to be more careful with baseballs in the future.
He still looked scared and upset, so I asked him, “Want to know what I did when I was 17?” And then I proceeded to tell him the story of when I accidentally crashed our family’s van into the front of the garage — permanently damaging some of the brick and requiring a lot of creativity by my dad to patch up the area with extra trim.
I was upset at myself for months over that accident. I replayed it over and over in my head again — wishing I wouldn’t have been careless, wishing my reflexes would have kicked in faster, wishing I just wouldn’t have been driving that day. It was very embarrassing — especially since I felt I was old enough that I shouldn’t have made a dumb mistake like that.
But last week, when Silas broke the front window, I was grateful for that seemingly “dumb” mistake. It gave me the ability to be more compassionate with my son and to remember the shame I felt over a careless action.
Earlier this week, I shared the story in our Financial Peace University class (we just started facilitating the course with a small group of friends). One of the class participants was sharing how they were so frustrated with themselves over some “stupid” financial mistakes they had made. They wished they could go back and re-do the last few years and not make the same decisions.
I encouraged this individual by reminding them of three things:
- We all make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make us failures; they make us human. There is no such thing as a person who hasn’t experienced failure or setbacks or made mistakes that cost them in some way or another.
- Carrying guilt accomplishes nothing. There is never anything good that comes from carrying around guilt over our mistakes. Remind yourself of what the truth is when you want to beat yourself up over your failures.
- Making mistakes makes us more compassionate. Just like I was able to be more compassionate toward Silas because of my own garage door accident, so the mistakes you make will give you the ability to have more empathy and understanding toward others in your life.
So, instead of beating yourself up over the mistakes you’ve made, remember that we’re all human, replace the guilt with the truth, and look for opportunities to extend grace and kindness toward others when they make mistakes.
It will not only allow you to move on from the shame and guilt, but you never know how your compassion toward another in the midst of their own dark place might be the hope they need to keep moving forward when they want to give up.
Your turn: Tell us about a mistake you made in your life & how you’ve moved on from it in a healthy manner.
Jenny says
My daughter just started college last year, and has been making some questionable choices. I feel like God is telling me to just use this as a time to demonstrate unconditional love for her as she works thru her issues, and that He will work it all out for the good. But I’m hearing other voices – voices of fear telling me if my friends knew they would judge us, and not be our friends anymore. Voices of shame telling me it’s all my fault, if I’d been a better mother none of this would be happening. So I needed to hear this today.
Two Donate says
Jenny, it is great you are practicing self control. Kids have to be able to make their own mistakes along the way.
Tracy says
Thank you so much for this post. I did not realize how quickly it would apply to my life. Just a few days after reading this my son was getting a bath and somehow knocked a razor into the tub with him. It landed on his face and instead of picking it up he swiped it off his face along with half of his eyebrow. He was so embarrassed and asked me have you ever done anything this stupid Mom. And because of your article I had a story for him about a time when I did something similar it made him feel better and he even thanked me for not getting upset with him.
Crystal Paine says
I’m so glad that this post helped!
Jennifer says
I love this. Sometimes I have to take a really deep breath, or a few, when my son has little mishaps and I feel the irritation rise. But I grew up with a mother who was scornful and shaming, and I don’t want to be that way. I hung my head down for so much of my younger life, and I started hiding things and stressing incessantly to find ways to cover things up. If I even see a glimpse of that in my sons eyes my heart crushes! I feel so good about showing him compassion and helping him figure out how to “fix it”. He comes to tell me anything he does wrong, and strangely I am filled with joy as we process it together. I am so happy to relieve him of the worry I see on his face while having an opportunity to help him learn responsibility and how to problem solve. I don’t ever want him to take the measures that I did to hide things.
Julie says
This post was such a great reminder to be compassionate when things go wrong! Thank you for sharing it.
One big blunder we made: tearing up the carpet and subfloor of our house before it closed escrow (there was some confusion on our part when the lender gave us some bad information, plus we were new to homebuying). The listing agent was NOT amused, to put it mildly. I felt horrible about the entire thing, even though it all worked out in the end. It was one of those days where I wished I could just redo it all!
But we did learn a lot, specifically about the home-buying process, but in general about patience and making extra sure that everything is in place on all accounts instead of jumping into something prematurely.
As unfun as those kinds of experiences are, they certainly do teach us a lot!
Guest says
Years ago I was involved in a wreck (not my fault) and had to undergo physical therapy for a number of weeks due to injuries from the wreck. My car was totaled so I had JUST gotten a new car, was reversing out of my parking spot in the underground parking garage at PT when I heard a horrible noise and realized I had gotten my car too close to the pillar and created a huge, long scratch down a portion of the passenger side. My husband yelled at me about doing something so stupid and handled it extremely poorly (understatement). I drove to the dealer body shop and cried and cried. It was all guys and you could tell they just felt awful for me. They started sharing all sorts of stories (without names of course) of clients who had wrecked their brand new cars pulling out of the dealer lot, etc. and it made me chuckle a little that I wasn’t the only one.
Part of me hates to ask this but another part of me is genuinely curious…I’ve seen several boys in our neighborhood throwing baseballs against the garage door and have thought it was so odd. I’m not sporty AT ALL…what is the deal with throwing baseballs against the door? Is it so they can catch without by themselves? Does it not damage the doors? Inquiring minds want to know – ha!
Deanna says
It’s a good fielding exercise. And usually it doesn’t damage anything. I used to throw on our brick exterior at my house.
Crystal Paine says
I think it’s a boy thing… he’s *constantly* practicing throwing and fielding!
And I’m SO sorry you had to deal with that shame from scratching your car. 🙁
Guest says
Thanks so much for responding! Our son is in wrestling and basketball so we haven’t dealt with baseball. 😉
Jamie @ Medium Sized Family says
My brothers were a pitcher/catcher duo when we were growing up. I think they broke Mom and Dad’s window more than once!
I replay even small mistakes I made years ago in my head all the time. Mostly times that I had a chance to say or do something for someone else that could have made a small difference to them, but I didn’t do it.
I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for silly mistakes. The worry and guilt is not worth it. And extending that same grace to my family is super important, too!
Crystal Paine says
Yes, the worry and guilt is not worth it!
Julie says
Today was a day I needed this reminder to parent in grace. Thank you.
Crystal Paine says
You’re so welcome!
Millennial Moola says
My dad used to get onto us for roughhousing until he backed the van through the garage door, then he was more forgiving. Nothing like experiencing a mistake to make you more compassionate
Crystal Paine says
Yes! So true!
Lisa says
Poor kiddo! It’s awesome you were so understanding.
I know how he feels. Today I lost my iPod. It was in my purse with my phone and I think it fell out when I was having coffee with a friend and used my phone to check the time. We’ve looked everywhere and it’s gone. Maybe I should have put it someplace more secure but I wasn’t being sloppy or careless. A replacement is $170. There are very few things I’d rush out and replace right away but the iPod is one of them. I don’t spend that kind of money lightly but we’re fortunate it’s not a hardship. Guess my next few months of personal money are spoken for.
Crystal Paine says
Ugh! I’m SO sorry you lost your iPod!! 🙁
Joy says
My husband did the same exact thing when he was Silas’ age. And, when I was pregnant with my now 17 y.o. son I crashed my mini van into the side of our garage and part of the garage frame tore off. LOL.
Crystal Paine says
It’s good to know we’re not alone!
Pamela says
I made a mistake recently that I’m still cringing over and that I’m not really ready to share yet. It could have resulted in a hospital visit for someone but fortunately didn’t. Ultimately the only lasting effect of my stupidity is that an item in our house now needs to be replaced.
I heard somewhere that if you have a problem that money can solve, and you have the money to solve it, you don’t really have a problem any more. That thought plus gratitude for our safety is helping me to get over my shame. I think 😉
Crystal Paine says
I’m SO sorry you are dealing with that… but I love what you shared about a different perspective on what is really a problem or not. So true!
[email protected] says
I really needed this today. I backed into another car today in a parking lot. The lady was so nice about it but I was so upset and disappointed in myself. Thank you for the reminder that accidents happen and to give myself some grace!
Crystal Paine says
I’m SO sorry that you had to experience that… but yes, give yourself grace. It has probably happened to a lot more people than you think!
Megan says
This was a very meaningful post, thanks!!!!
Crystal Paine says
Thanks so much for your kind encouragement! I’m grateful it was meaningful to you!