I received a letter in the mail a few weeks ago, the likes of which I had never received before.
You see, I get letters from readers often, but this one wasn’t a letter to say thanks or to share a reader’s story or recommend a product or even suggest a different viewpoint.
Nope.
This anonymous letter was straight up blasting one of my kids and my parenting of this child in a very scathing way.
I’ve received lots of constructive criticism over the years. I delete negative comments and emails pretty much every day. I often have to block commenters who are unkind and ugly toward me or other commenters.
But this the letter called my child horrible names and was so utterly hateful and shaming that I immediately had my husband shred it lest my child see the terrible names they were being called.
I won’t lie and pretend it didn’t bother me. Over the years, I have developed pretty thick skin for comments or disagreements that are directed to me, but you bring my kids into it and this Mama Bear gets fired up.
In fact, my first thought was, “How DARE you write in and scream hateful things about my child!!” {Yes, that may not have been the most gracious thought, but I’m just being truthful here!}
Instead of letting myself stay there all upset, I intentionally decided to do three things. And these three things helped me to process through this situation in a much healthier way than just being angry and upset.
The next time you are in situation where you are the recipient of shameful and hurtful words, I wanted to share these three things I did with you in hopes that maybe they’d help you, too:
1. Don’t Let Other’s Words Define You
When you receive hurtful and derogatory comments, you can instantly go to a place of shame. It is very easy to start thinking you are not good enough, that you’ve failed, that you are a horrible person.
Here’s the truth, though: Other’s words only have power over us if we choose to allow them to. Their words might hurt. They might cut deep. They might sting. But they don’t have to define us.
In the case of this letter, I cannot base my parenting decisions upon what others think of me. I cannot let other’s frustrations with my parenting decisions be what determines how I’m parenting. Other people are not my parenting barometer.
God has uniquely gifted my husband and me to parent our own kids. We are responsible before God only for how we raise our kids. While we can learn from other parents and be inspired by other parents, ultimately, we are our own kids parents. No one else is.
So when someone — who is anonymous and who doesn’t know me at all — says I’m a terrible parent and calls my child names, that has no bearing on me as a parent. I reminded myself of this after I read the letter and chose to not let their scathing words define me as a mom.
2. Do Consider Their Perspective
While we shouldn’t let what other people say about us define us, there still may be truth in their words. And I believe it’s important to pay attention to what truths might be there that we need to consider.
Step back and really consider their words — not the way they were said or how they were delivered — but instead, just consider the words themselves and ask yourself, “Is there any truth or merit in what this person is saying?”
Did I do something that was hurtful? Did I say something that was unnecessary? Did I have an unkind attitude?
Just because someone says something that is hurtful doesn’t mean we should discount everything they said. I know in my life, some of the things people have said that have initially been hurtful, were actually words I needed to hear. They opened up my eyes to a flaw or blind spot or area in my life that I needed to work on.
One thing I’ve found helpful is to have people in my life who have earned the right to speak truth and then to process hurts with them. Read them the text or letter or email that was sent to you. Tell them exactly what someone said to you or accused you of and ask them to help you discern whether there is truth to what was said.
Many times, having an outside unbiased perspective on the situation can give us clarity that we wouldn’t have if we were just trying to process through the situation or hurtful words by ourself.
If you realize that you have made a mistake, admit it and own it. We all make mistakes and fail. Don’t pretend you have it all together or never make mistakes. Don’t pretend you are never at fault. Because sometimes, you are.
I’ve been blogging for the last 11 years and believe me, I’ve failed many times. I’ve responded to comments ungraciously. There have been times I’ve returned snark with snark or tried to defend myself when I should have just stayed quiet. I’ve had to take posts down and make apologies and ask for forgiveness.
In the case of the accusatory letter, after reading it, I asked my husband to read it, too. I asked him for his perspective on it. He immediately told me to completely disregard what was said as, in this case, there was no truth or merit to what the person said. Instead, it just felt like they were angry and upset and took it out on me for some reason. It was her issue, not mine.
Having his outside perspective helped me to have clarity about the issue that I may not have had on my own.
3. Remember Your Personal Priorities
What’s going to matter 25 years from now? I often ask myself that when I’m trying to determine my priorities.
We can’t please everyone. We can’t make everyone happy. We can’t do all the things for all the people. And because of this, we will always end up disappointing people.
I’ve had to accept that there will be others who are disappointed by what I do or what I don’t do, frustrated by what I say or what I don’t say, bothered by how I parent or don’t parent, irritated by what I blog, annoyed with my personality or videos or speaking style… and on and on it goes. I am only responsible for my own actions; I am not responsible for people’s reactions to my actions.
I just can’t please everyone. In fact, I can’t please a lot of people. Who I am, what I blog about, what I believe, how I write, my personality… it’s just not for everyone. In fact, it’s not for a lot of people. And that’s completely okay.
What matters is that I focus on what my priorities are and that I embrace who God has called me to be. My priorities are different than your priorities. My parenting style is different than your parenting style. My writing style is different than other blogger’s writing styles. What I’m called to is different than what you’re called to.
I reminded myself of this after I read this critical letter. I went back to the truth: that I am uniquely called and gifted to be a mother to my own children. It’s not my responsibility to parent in a way that other people are telling me I should. It’s my responsibility to do what I know is right before God.
When I walk in confidence in my own personal priorities, I can have freedom not fear. When I embrace who God has called me to be, I can believe the truth about myself and my worth and value instead of giving into the lies of shame and insecurity.
Cathy says
I am going through a very serious situation my self where people from the outside take thing out of content and make it thete own opinion of me I get judged for not being married and not having real job they say. You are more then just a mom when you stay home to care for your child who needs 24/7 care . I have been a stay at home mom for years but when I had my 2 child he was seriously injured at birth very tragic well I stepped up to be the best mom I could be knowing that the injury to my son was going to be a life long struggle he has sever cerebral palsy he can’t help himself at all he depends upon me and others to help him but there again people question me and yes I am his natural parent I love him with all my heart I raised my two kids alone and it has been tough it can be a lonely place to be I could go on I need all the prayers in the world because this a tack is horrible not to be taken lightly my heart hurts for what needs to be turned around as a parent that does not deserve this attack. Thank you for writing this about your situation people can and will be cruel . Some of us can shred the paper but others of us that is not so easy . I do hope you read this .Thanks again .
Jodi says
Crystal I am so sorry you had to go through that and that being in the “spotlight “ online brings the not only the good but the bad and the ugly as well. What I appreciate so much about you is that you are teachable and humble and that you are a truth seeker and genuinely desire to live a life that pleases our Savior. Thank you for sharing your life with us and how you have grown through these rough patches and matured as a woman, a parent, a wife and a Gaines wisdom as a child of God. There are so many people God has blessed through you and your family and when that happens there will always be opposition as you know. Keep pressing on and sharing your gifts! Thankful for you! ?
kristina austin says
I am so glad you did not take this horrible person’s comments to heart. It is ridiculous that this person felt they know so much about you to criticize your parenting. Not to mention resulting to name calling of anyone much less a child. I dare anyone to state that they have never made a mistake when parenting their child. Part of the parenting process is to teach your child that it is okay to make mistakes and to learn from them. This individual apparently did not learn that lesson and has a great deal of growing up to do. God Bless you and your family. You don’t need to answer to anyone but yourself. Keep up the good work. I love your blog.
Wendy Briscoe says
Forgive this person as well. Forgiveness is key in healing. It’s easy to hold grudges and start really disliking someone when they are unkind, hurtful, or just plain acting evil to us. We need to forgive the offender, and do our best to guard ourselves against this person.
At least you do everything in your power to keep your location, and the identity of your kids secret so they don’t become a scary stalker person. YIKES. These are the days we live in.
It’ll be OK. What did our Moms teach us “Sticks and stones can break our bones, but words will never hurt us.” Don’t let them get to you and certainly not get to your babies. 🙂
Have a great day.
Emily says
Crystal, I’ve been reading your blog for 6 years. Unfortunately I’m a very infrequent commentor :p but I had to stop and say- you’re awesome and your kids are precious and you’re an excellent mom! Your blog brings immense value and I applaud your reaction to the hateful letter because Lord knows I wouldn’t have been so gracious! lol
Crystal Paine says
Aw, thank you so much for your sweet words of encouragement! They really blessed me!
Jennifer says
I saved this post when I saw it a few days ago because I liked it so much. I forgot about it… and then today, I was harshly criticized as a mother (and my child was in the line of fire) by another person and I felt horrible. I sat down at my computer to try and get my mind off what had happened. Then, this post came up again in my newsfeed. I’m so glad I saved it and that it came up at just the perfect time. Thank you for your words that help so many of us when we need it most.
Naomi says
I’m sorry that people can be so harsh and cruel. I’ve learned that anyone who shares something “anonymously” doesn’t have true care or concern for you or your situation. True love calls things out in truth- not vagueness or anonymity, and always in the spirit of gentleness. Would I guess that your kids are perfect? Having, soon to be, 5 kids of my own, I would assume not! 😉 I never see you scrub your kids’ image to a false perfection, but I do see you be honest and real about your struggles as a mom and their struggles as growing and learning children. I think you and Jesse try to parent your children in truth and godliness, and your honesty is refreshing. Keep up the good work and don’t let the harshness of some negate the positivity of so many who look to you and Jesse as incredible examples of the kind of parents they want to be. Thank you for the great article- I always love your perspective!
Diana says
I have definitely let other people hurt me in the past and as I turned 30 yrs old recently I had no other option but to commit to myself and stop listening to what others had to say about me or the way I do things. I used to keep it all in, now I gently tell people to leave me alone and focus on their own life instead of mine. It took time and a lot of forgiving but I think I finally found my path. Thank you for inspiring me and making me feel safe in my own skin.
K says
Hi Crystal,
I rarely do this as a long time reader, but for some reason, I had to comment! I’m so seriously baffled, WHY would someone “for real” would write something like that AND anonymously?? Very cowardly- To me it sounds like a MEAN & Cruel joke just to tick someone off or cause hurt. 🙁 Ridiculous that grown-ups can still be so immature and childish and so focused on other people’s lives that they can have time to do something that ineffective and yet mean at the same time.
I’m sorry, Crystal, that someone went so low as to target your child! But glad you (& your husband) could use this as a learning experience and transparently share to hopefully encourage others who go through being hurt/pain due to other’s immature or narcissistic behavior.
Crystal Paine says
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! You blessed me!
Jamie says
first, let me say sorry that someone had the gall to write those things ro you. Second, you presented some very good points. Sometimes as mom’s we take others words far to close to heart. My son is a wild man and I have heard rude whispers and rude loud comments and, like you, had my parenting called into question by strangers who know nothing about me or my son. It is good to have this reminder that taking those words to heart is a choice. I will admit that a time or two I have found Merritt in those hushed criticisms, but I would never let those nose flippers know that. Thanks for this article, it helped this mamma tonight
Reggie says
We do the best we can with what we’re given at that point in time. After years of verbal abuse (I’ll spare you the details,) I learned that yes, their words can only hurt you if you let them. Take with a grain of salt and move on. <3
Kim says
I really needed this reminder today. <3 I had a pretty nasty comment on my blog and I really wanted to shut everything down and cry. I think people are pretty brave behind a computer screen. But when I sit and think about the call I truly believe God has placed on my life I know I can't shut the laptop lid and hide. Still stings though, I must admit!
Buffy says
Thanks for those tips. For the last 4-1/2 years I’ve been living with my narcissistic mother who criticizes me, too, for things either I didn’t do (I didn’t have children and I’m a divorcee), or things I do (I talk back to her in an attempt to defend myself), or how I look (I’m only 5’2″). And on and on it goes. Yes, I believe at some point you have to disengage from negativity or you’ll become like the “monkey chasing the weasel” and that’s exactly what some ppl/family members want — to make you disintegrate to the point of never accomplishing anything — they just want to waste your mind and burn you with their comments as long as you’ll sit and drink their poison. But I realize some things you just have to drop and surrender to God so you can allow yourself to go on with your life and do what you feel makes sense. I think usually ppl who are trying to be God in your life are themselves not surrendered to God.
Laura B says
Oh, bless you. That is very difficult. You are in my prayers.
Kim says
This last line resonated with me “I think usually ppl who are trying to be God in your life are themselves not surrendered to God.” in a very strong way. Thank you for that insight!
K Ann Guinn says
After reading many of these comments, I have to say, “Amen and amen!” I won’t re-word what so many have adequately shared already, but just add my thanks for your life that is an inspiration to many.
The hardest thing is to forgive and pray for our enemies, which I’m sure you have in this situation. I pray that God will protect you and your family both physically and emotionally/spiritually.
I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing personally. As a new blogger myself with a personality that tends strongly towards pleasing others, I know this will be a challenge. I’m aware that at some point I’ll have to deal with some uncomfortable situations, and pray that God will give me the grace to deal with them in a similar godly way as you have. I know that my identity is in Christ, and pray that I learn to embrace this all the more as I grow. I’m still new enough (as a blogger) to be somewhat in the “safe” zone, but recognize that my words, stories, opinions, etc. expressed on my blog are truly “out there” in the world when I press, “publish”! God help us to discern the right things to share with the world that will be an encouragement and help to others.
Rebekah says
“who God has called me to be” absolutely agree – If we follow Him, then at the end of the day, that’s all we can rest in.
Tawnda says
Any adult who feel the need resort to name calling, especially of children, should automatically be disregarded. Obviously they have personal problems that have nothing to do with you. Even if my opinion differed from yours, labeling a person starts a whole different conflict of which is my inability to discuss and debate as an adult. Shame on them! Speak truth in love first and foremost !
Christy says
I was in the exact same situation (except they called me instead of writing) . they called my child horrible names and accused them of things I knew had never happened. I found out a few days later she was going through a nasty divorce and was losing her kids. It put some perspective on the situation but it still hurt.
I think this was a great post on how to handle this.
Amanda says
This post was SO inspiring! Two years ago a good friend (at least I thought) did the same thing to me over the phone when I tried to tell her something terrible her child had done. Her words have played in my head ever since then and have crippled me at times. It was God’s providence that I decided to click on the link to this post. I feel like I can heal now. Thank you! <3
Jackie says
I can’t imagine getting a letter like that. I suppose some people are never happy with themselves therefore try to take others down. Kudos to you and not letting it get the better of you. I personally love your website and posts. I think you are great!! I have grown so much with following your blog. I wish I had found it from the very beginning. Like I have said before I work in a stressful career and juggle married like and children as well. Reading your blog gives me the opportunity to decompress and reevaluate things in my life. Keep up what your doing!!
Tracy says
This makes me so sad. Life is hard – can’t people just be nice. Hoping that you can keep this person’s remarks out of your head and heart, so difficult to do. Hoping that this person (anonymous, which makes me more mad) can find peace with their own misery so they don’t spread it. You are a blessing to your family and your readers! Be happy!
Melinda says
Thank you Crystal for being so open and honest. I too have had to endure a lot of painful comments over the years. One thing we must keep in mind these people are miserable and want to bring everyone down to there level. It blows my mind that most of those who do this type of thing say they are Christians. I believe if they truly know who they are in Christ and the love of Jesus is in their heart they would not hurt others. I love songs for healing. Check out Danny Gokey Tell your heart to beat again. It has been a previous reminder to me to whom I belong.
Melinda says
precious reminder
Crystal Paine says
Oh, I LOVE that song by Danny Gokey!! Thank you for sharing!
Jenny says
Choose grace. This weekend my family turned a generous gift from us into an opportunity to complain and create drama. I tried to remember your words and remember that their problems are theirs- not mine. I offered what we had to offer and they can choose to accept that graciously and joyfully or not. I am responsible for my joy and my grace.
Jenny
Crystal Paine says
I love this! Thank you for sharing — and I’m sorry you had to deal with that difficult situation. 🙁
Tara G. says
Wow.
I appreciate and am encouraged by your wise and measured response. Rejoicing with you that God receives the glory through this!
Rachel says
I have family members criticizing my parenting right now and it hurts. That women was just being a troll. 🙁 the book Boundaries by dr. Henry cloud and dr. John Townsend has really helped me to know that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings or opinions. Both are good Christian doctors.
Sheila says
Not sure why an ADULT would attack a child. Beyond unreasonable. Occ I read comments to news articles. Without fail, someone blames politics or religion or race. They get so far off track it doesn’t even pertain to the original topic. I seriously believe our local news channel should eliminate the option. They don’t seem to monitor them. As I myself get off track here: No one knows their child better than their parents. As an out sider looking in ~ you seem to be doing your best by your children. What a waste of your valuable time to have to filter through garbage like that.
Jr davis says
You can’t let others define who you are. You have to have thick skin because some will knock a person without knowing them. I believe more time to get to know others than some of these crazy letters could be avoided. Don’t get in the trap that you are better than someone else because you parent kids than someone else. Some of the other people blogs from other sites I see some make it all about them. I like the fact you blog about real things. Keep up the great work.
JJ says
I like how you turned a mess into a message. But you’re cool like that! It is SO hard when someone attacks your parenting or child. As moms, we often second-guess ourselves, because our babies didn’t come with personalized manuals(so thankful for the Word and Spirit, though!). So when someone throws ugly words at us, that can be an emotional disaster. You responded so well!
Lizzy says
As hard as it is, I do think “pray for them” should be the top of our list when we are hurt by others. I admit it’s usually (maybe almost never) my first move, and certainly not my natural inclination, but I do believe it’s what we’re called to do.
Liz says
I loved this post and that you shared such Godly responses. How hard to endure such bitter words. It sounds like you have really great counsel and wisdom on this issue, and it is great for for us to have you share. I have been there and it really stinks. I think this post is like hot coals on that angry writer’s head. Keep up the good work!
Jen says
Great reminders of how to handle criticism. So thankful that you received this when you were at a place to realize that just because someone said it, doesn’t mean it is truth. If I would have received this criticism 10 years ago it would have devastated me. Now, I like you, see that I am enough because of God’s grace. That is true freedom!
Guest says
I’m so sorry you received such a nasty letter. It’s mind boggling that anyone would think they have the right or even the insight to make sweeping accusations about a blogger’s parenting style. Not to mention hateful.
A number of years ago you responded to a comment I had left and it really hurt my feelings. I sent you a private mail and I will never forget your response. You were not at all defensive and instead sincerely apologized and explained you had felt badly after you had posted it. It only increased my respect of and for you and was a wonderful example of how to handle a situation like that. May you and your family continue to be blessed!
Stephanie says
This post was a blessing for me to read, the timing was perfect to help me deal with something in my life this past week. Thank you for your honesty and for posting.
Monica says
Sending big hugs your way! I have been a reader for about six years and I can’t think of anything that would make me (or anyone else) feel that I have the right to critique you or your parenting. I have had similar attacks doing my job as a teacher and in EVERY situation the person was dealing with something that was way bigger than me. I was just an easy target. One of my favorite quotes is “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
I remind myself of this often. You have been equipped to parent your children. Keep up the good work!
Kariane says
A big hug to you. Letters like that hurt, even if they have no merit.
I think your three pieces of advice are great. There is much truth in your statement, “Other’s words only have power over us if we choose to allow them to.”
Tammy Bradshaw says
Crystal, I am so sorry that you received such a letter but I am honestly not surprised. By claiming who you are in Christ, your confidence in God’s great love for you, the assurance you have – you have enraged Satan. I have found that Satan will especially attack in an area that we don’t even realize we may be vulnerable in, especially our children. So often, we don’t realize that we see our children as a reflection of who we are and any criticism feels directed at us as well as our child.
I encourage you to hold your course, you are doing a great job and if there is an issue, trust that God will reveal it to you. And I can assure you, He won’t reveal it in a nasty letter from some jealous person but in His loving, gentle way (through His word, through the Holy Spirit whispering to you, through trusted friends and family.
As a previous homeschooling parent (child now an adult), I would almost guarantee that this person is very jealous of you, your life and your children. I’m also sure that they are very insecure, that they don’t know who they are, that they feel like a failure, so they are lashing out at you. I highly encourage you to actively forgive them because even though you shredded the letter, Satan will use those harsh words as ammunition to discourage you, to cause you to doubt, even to look at that child differently. Don’t give Satan any ground! I also encourage you and Jesse together to pray for this person, that they may know the great grace and love of Christ, that they can have the confidence in who they are in Christ, that THEY realize they are enough.
May God bless you and your family with His perfect peace 🙂
Tammy
Diana says
I am so sorry you received that letter…if only everyone would focus on building others up instead of tearing them down! I recently had a very hurtful thing happen in my life and I appreciate you sharing “will it matter in 25 years” perspective. It helps to ease the pain as I choose to forgive and move on.
Maryalene says
This makes me so angry.
I hope the person who wrote the letter is reading this: it’s bad enough to say mean things to another adult but children are absolutely, positively off-limits! How dare you! If you don’t like the blog, don’t read it!!
Chriistine says
Pray for your enemies. God defines us and we are all made in His image. Words do not define who we are. Thanks for sharing. I enjoy your stories about your children.
Lauren says
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for posting this. I had a similar situation at work this week where I was continually degraded. I feel as if I have done these three steps but it’s a reminder to not be angry at the person who hurt me because they said those words because they are a hurt person.
Sandy Ruminski says
I want you to know that you are a wonderful soul. I rarely post comments on any blogs, but your blog is so truthful and I enjoy what you do. Thank you for being you.
Kristine says
Hi Crystal! Thank you so much for sharing this post. I’m currently going through that exact same thing. Only I wish the distaste had come from a reader like you. Mine came from my parents, found out through my daughter, they don’t like us (my husband and me). Also like you, not sure why. Long story short, we were somewhat estranged over the past 20-ish years or so due to alcohol . The three of us had alcohol dependence and while they got sober after only 6 years of alcoholic drinking and they are celebrating 19 years sober this month. Well, it took me 25 years of drinking, AA and a too close suicide attempt to find out all I needed was medication to help with my Bi-polar w/ major depressive disorder, anxiety and recently diagnosed ADHD.
With that said, I will have been alcohol free in June for two years. Once before I was sober for 20 months, then snapped. Before that I barely drew a sober breath for 25 years. Exception, 2 pregnancies, 2 perfect girls!
So when my daughter (9 yrs, they don’t lie) the other day asked us “Why don’t Nana and Grampa like you guys. Had I been eating something I would have choked. Shock and hurt cannot describe adequately what I felt. I’m trying to reconcile this in my head and it’s very hard. I even wrote a letter letting them know what Michaela said and what she hears upsets her. Haven’t heard any response.
Currently building a web site and writing a book to help other beat this horrible, horrible disease, without AA. That doesn’t work for everyone.
So I can relate to how you feel. Sorry to ramble on a bit. Sometimes my fingers get away from me.
Peace,
Kristine
PS- I love, love, love your books, Money Saving Mom and Goodbye to Survival. I’m about to read them a second time!
Lauren says
Chrystal-I’ve been reading your blog for three or four years now and if there’s one thing that has been evident to me, it’s that you’re a good Christian woman and a wonderful Mother. You pay great respect to Motherhood by how you raise your children to love God and others, teach them book smarts as well as life skills. You’ve shown nothing but love and nurture for your beautiful children. I hope you feel proud of your parenting efforts thus far and know how much you’re loved and appreciated by those who read your blog…even if we don’t know you “in real life”. ??
Davonne @ The Tidy Mom says
Crystal, thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry someone wrote something so hateful to you but I appreciate you sharing how to handle this type of situation. I’ve read articles from you in the past too that have given specific action steps for it, and I use those steps in my own life with everything from comments and emails to real-life friendships and remarks from strangers.
Implementing those steps has helped me to grow tremendously as a person and to navigate the tricky waters of wading through criticism.
You are a blessing & I’m so glad that you don’t let these attacks stop you from shining a light into the world with your blog!
Rosanna says
Dear Crystal, I am so sorry to hear that you had a letter like that written to you. Thank you for taking the time to write about it. I love your points about how we can’t please everyone and that we shouldn’t even try to do so. I have struggled much of my life with people pleasing and I am just learning to “let it go.” It is so freeing to just ask the Lord what I am supposed to do in my life and walk in peace and freedom knowing that what he’s asking me to do may not be the most popular thing, but I am walking peacefully in his will.
Anne says
I’m concerned about someone having your address, too. I think you have alluded to the fact that you guys have a PO Box for your mail and I hope that is the case.
Jesse and you are awesome parents. I have no idea how a blog reader would think anything less. Even if they don’t agree with some of your choices, I have no earthly idea how someone could find something to criticize!
Megan says
What really upsets me is when people with the ridiculous need to express their opinions causes others to not open up as much about their lives. I used to follow this lovely mom who blogged daily, but then I started noticing a series of comments on her posts criticizing how she was raising her son (and said her toddler son was a monster who would grow up to become a serial killer just because this blogging mom did not believe in spanking). This blogger stopped opening up about the struggles that come with parenting spirited children, then she stopped blogging altogether and I am sure that these critical comments were the reason she stopped. It’s awful and it sucks. I miss reading her blogs and I wish people had some semblance of decorum.
Lindsy says
It took me a minute to calm myself down after reading this! I was offended myself! I have looked up to you as a mother and watched your cute kids grow over the years. Praying for y’all!
Lotte says
Dear Crystal, What I find helps me through this type of behavior is;
1. Recognize that most of the time this type of behavior is prompted by either ignorance or jealousy.
2. It is my job to forgive the person that is spouting such horrible things. I know my job is to forgive them and let God do His part the way He promises in His Word. I know that forgiveness is not a feeling but rather a decision. I have to give extend forgiveness and give my hurts to God. He is both able and faithful to heal these wounds.
3. I plead the Blood of Christ over my family and myself and break any curse that has been spoken over us. There is power in the Blood. God gave us all authority and expects us to use it with good stewardship.
One very important thing to remember is that by forgiving someone of an offence we do not give them the privilege to mistreat us down the road. God will be able to see into both your heart and the heart of the offender. God rewards us according to what He sees there.
If you find yourself receiving more of such mail from the same person you have the right to notify that individual that they do not permission to continue to make contact with you. I found myself in an uncomfortable situation like this and was grateful to our attorney for a simple letter he sent to the offending party simply stating the legal counsel he advised me of and how it would be handled in the future. This was enough to stop the contacts.
I hope you find some of these suggestions constructive. You are a loving lady and deserve great respect.
Courtney says
Crystal, I’ve been reading your blog for many years and I’m shocked that someone wrote that letter. Attacking your child and your parenting is just completely bizarre, and it makes me wonder if that person is mentally unstable. As far as I can tell, you are a great mom with adorable and wonderful kids!
Stacey says
Oh, I’m so sad this happened to you. I’m sure it’s hard for you to share your life with us and have someone be so mean. I would add to your list to pray for that person. Praying for our enemies is what the Lord wants us to do. Continue being the best mom you can be – that’s what your kids need the most. *Hugs*
Anonymous says
Yes, this happened to me in writing too. But in a very personal way. The woman attacked my 5 year old son and 9 year old daughter as well as me. It was a complex situation but this woman does not know my children or me, yet she thought it right to make harsh judgments. Through counseling and true friends, I understand that the woman was speaking through anger, jealousy and probably her own hurt heart and bruised ego. Much of that situation is the emotional clutter that I have been working to eliminate in my life.
Sandy says
How unfortunate that someone sent such a letter to you. It really says something about their character and nothing about you or your parenting skills. How sad it is that people decide to say hateful things when they hide behind anonimity. Sometimes it’s just plain jealousy. I am a recovering people pleaser. I am still working on acepting that not everyone will like me, love me and that’s ok. When I hear hurtful things about me or my family, I still sometimes take it personally – I’m a work in progress. Your words were encouraging. Thank you.
JC says
I’m so sorry you received such a letter. I’m sure you have thought of this, but if this letter came to your house, please please take some extra security precautions. If you receive another, do not shred it, instead keep it because that starts to show a pattern of behavior from this person. Again, I am sure you have thought of this, but wanted to mention extra security measures just in case.
Beth says
I agree. Especially since the letter targeted one child in particular and not just your parenting in general. That pushes the irrationality up a notch, in my opinion.
Jessica says
Agree wholeheartedly with Beth and JC!
Love in our Savior,
Jessica
Alicia says
Oh my goodness Crystal, I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I cannot even imagine. That is actually a BIG part of what held me back from blogging for YEARS. I truly do not understand the audacity of some people. I just don’t.
Just remember how much you touch and impact SO MANY lives in a hugely positive way. In fact, you have been enormous encouragement to me personally in every area of my life, but most notably in my faith.
Thank you so much for all you do, and please don’t lose heart. There majority of us are greatly impacted, encouraged, and inspired by what you do every single day. Thank you.
Gary Armour says
Crystal, Thanks again for your wonderful blog, your transparancy, and your willingness to share your personal lives with us, your readers. In my opinion your children are well taught in as much as I can see through the glimpses of them you give us through the blog. I am totally amazed that you folks have the patience and courage to let your kids explore their interests and desires, such as letting 6 y/o Silas do “independent” cooking. Obviously your time spent individually with each child every day has allowed you to develop a trust with each of them and a confidence in how mature each one is. For a mom who has so many things to do every day, you have obviously set good priorities as a family, and you for yourself. Please know that, in my book (as a retired elementary school teacher and principal), you are doing a great job! Keep up the good work!
Lisa Adams says
I had some tough things said to me today, and you’re right that it’s easy to have my instant reaction be to go to a place of shame. Thanks for sharing this. It was really encouraging.
Crystal Paine says
I’m so sorry you had tough things said to you! {Hugs!}
mar says
It makes me really sad that someone would treat you like that!! I love the way u handled this, your kids r lucky to have u for a Mom:)
Amy M. says
Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry someone sent you such a nasty letter … and attacking one of your kids?? You honestly seem like a great mom and I’d love to have a play date with you and your kids. 😉 (I have 7y/o twin boys.) They seem like sweethearts and I love the way you share about their different interests and strengths.
But at any rate, I appreciate you sharing how you responded. I’ve been in the public eye to some degree, too, and I can understand the joys and challenges that can bring!
Melissa B. says
Firstly, *Big Huge Hug*! Secondly, you are truly enough, just as you are. I’ve been able to follow your blog since pretty much the beginning and it has been wonderful to see you and your family grow. You have inspired me to accept myself, both the potential I have and to strengthen what weaknesses I can. You have encouraged a new kindness toward my son, no matter the frustrations that arise. You, Crystal, have encouraged honesty in facing a life to please God. Take heart.
Lisa says
I find myself simply gobsmacked someone would write you a letter attacking one of your kids!!! There are no words.
One thing for which I hold you in the highest esteem is your grace and humility in handling yourself online. (I’m sure you’re like this in person too!) I don’t always agree with you but the way you’ve responded when you feel you’re in the wrong shows incredible strength of character. That’s why I’ve been reading for seven years!
Rose says
Wow. I can only imagine how you felt reading a critical letter like that!! So happy that you did NOT take it personally. It amazes me what people feel is ok to do these days. Will keep you and your family in my prayers, and I personally have seen nothing on this blog that shows you as a bad parent, rather the opposite!!
Kay says
Thank you for your transparency and courage to share this. It really encouraged me in a big way!
Crystal Paine says
I’m so glad! Thank you so much for your kind encouragement!
Anna says
So sorry that you would have to get a letter like that – bloggers do have to have thick skin but when people attack kids that is completely uncalled for. Any mom would have the “mama bear” in her come out, I know I would!
Crystal Paine says
It’s one of the few hard parts of blogging… most of all the rest of the parts are just AMAZING! 🙂