We’ve recently moved cross-country for a new job for my husband, but are now facing unemployment. We have a small baby, and all our family and friends are on the other side of the country. How did you keep going and keep hope alive during your hard times? -Heather
Oh, Heather! I read your email and my heart went out to you.
You see, we were in a very similar situation about 7 years ago when our second daughter (Kaitlynn) was born. We’d moved to Kansas City for a job for my husband and then that job situation ended up not panning out at all like we expected. Soon after Kaitlynn was born, we found ourselves in a city where we knew very few people, without a job, and with very little money.
We were committed to stay out of debt, but as the weeks wore on and no job turned up and our savings began to dwindle, it was hard to hang onto hope. And to be honest, there were many days when I felt completely overwhelmed and stressed.
But looking back, here’s the advice I would give to myself based on things I learned during that time period:
1. Practice Gratitude
You are in the middle of very difficult circumstances. Many of them are not circumstances you would have chosen for yourself.
Life feels difficult, overwhelming, and maybe just downright exhausting. But that doesn’t meant there aren’t at least a few things you can be grateful for right now.
Focus on the good things in your life — whether that’s your baby’s smile, sunshine outside, a kind word from your husband, or the smell of bread baking. If you focus on your problems, you’ll naturally feel discouraged. When you choose to look for the blessings instead, you’ll begin to notice many things to be thankful for all around you!
2. Take Care of Your Health
The last thing you should do right now is let your health slide. But when life is filled with setbacks and burdens, it’s easy to let those hard things affect our ability to make our health a priority.
Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, going to bed early (if possible), drinking enough water, eating well, and getting fresh air and sunshine. Investing just a little bit of time everyday in your health can give you more energy and passion for life — which will, in turn, help fuel your hope.
On the flip side, if you let your health slide — eating junk food, not exercising, staying up too late, and so forth — it will invariably affect your ability to be at the top of your game mentally and emotionally. The result will likely be that you feel discouraged and lethargic.
Related: Read my series on 15 Ways to Have More Energy.
3. Have a Daily Routine
I’ve found that if you don’t have a plan for your days, they can feel chaotic and overwhelming. But creating a simple plan will give you momentum for getting up — even during the difficult time periods.
Don’t bite off more than you can chew when it comes to a routine. Even planning just 6-10 things you’ll do in the same order every day can give you a sense of structure and peace. Plus, I find I have more energy and get more done when we have a routine!
For help with setting up a routine, check out my series on How to Develop a Routine That Works — and Stick With It!
4. Set Small Goals
You need a reason for getting up every morning. A simple routine give you some purpose for your days, but I encourage you to take it a step further and set a few small goals. This will fuel your drive and help you see some forward momentum instead of just feeling like you’re stuck in a black hole.
You can set goals for how many Swagbucks you hope to earn each day, or a cleaning project you want to tackle, or for specific steps you’re going to take to look for a part-time job. Break your big goal down into bite-sized pieces and tackle a little bit every day.
If possible, find an accountability partner/cheerleader for your goal-setting. This could be someone local, or one of your friends or family members who live miles away. Knowing you have to report to someone on your daily or weekly progress will also help you stay motivated.
5. Cultivate Beauty and Creativity
It’s amazing how refreshing beauty and creativity can be for our souls, even during dark times. Listen to music online that uplifts you, keep your home neat and organized, pick a wildflower bouquet, find a new recipe to bake on Pinterest, work on a handwork project, or learn a new skill.
Figure out what refreshes you and make that a part of your life — even if it requires a little time and effort. Seeing that drawer you organized or that bread you baked or that handwork project you finished will life your spirits.
6. Plug Into Your Community
As much as is possible, plug into your local community. See if there’s a Bible study at a local church you can join, or a mom’s group you can connect with. Go to the park and strike up a conversation with another mom there. Check your local library for possible activities they offer or for a book club you could participate in.
Keep your eyes and ears open for anyone who might be open to come over for coffee or have a play date with you. Invite your neighbors over to hang out in your backyard. Look for that woman who is all by herself at Bible study and go sit by her and ask her about herself. Be hospitable, pretend you’re an extrovert (even if you’re not!), and look for any possibility of friendship.
You don’t need to load up your schedule with dozens of social engagements, but when you are first trying to find friendship and community, you often have to be pretty proactive to make it happen. Keep at it, don’t give up if the first few invites don’t turn into lasting friendship, and I can almost guarantee that you’ll eventually find at least a few good friendships where you’re at. It will take work and effort, but it will be worth it!
For more encouragement, read my posts on 16 Ways to Become More Content and Lessons From Our Little Basement Apartment.
Christina says
This post is incredibly timely for me also and I can attest that some of the suggestions I’ve tried are really helpful! My husband lost his job the Monday after Christmas, we’re losing his second income the end of this month and our housing the end of the summer. We are due with baby #3 mid-July! I’m really thankful for a local monthly women’s mom group and a weekly bible study at that host church, those ladies have really helped me stay grounded through this time and help me practice the truth about my situation even though I don’t feel it’s true at times. Also I would add, make a list of things you can do that are free then in those times when you’re overwhelmed, feeling trapped and bored (all the times I’m tempted to spend money) you can look at your list and choose something guilt free. We’re still in limbo with work and housing, but putting some more of these suggestions in practice will really help! I hope your situations resolves soon all of you who have left comments of similar situations.
geri says
Love all the faith testimonials of God’s boundless grace and mercies. Thanks to everyone for sharing.
Ronni says
These are great tips and Heather, I can unfortunately relate to what you’re going through. While I moved out to this new city and left my family/friends a decade ago, I have to admit that I still don’t really have any new close friends here (how pathetic does that sound, huh?); my husband has friends, but I’m not close enough to them to reach out to. Plus, hardly any of them have kids, so I feel like I have different priorities.
The week after my daughter’s 1st birthday, my husband suddenly lost his job. Because of the way his job was paying him (it was all cash upfront, w/o taxes being taken out) my husband was able to collect unemployment. Thankfully, I had a job, but still, our income suddenly dropped by more than 60%. My salary is not even considered “liveable wage” for the county we live in! At the time, we were not financially smart and did not have much savings, and we had a lot of credit card debt already. We also were not accustomed to living a frugal lifestyle, so we had a difficult time of it at first before learning to change our view of money. On top of it all, my husband was worried that his entire career was crumbling, we fought a lot in our marriage, and we felt completely directionless.
I’d love to say that my husband ended up finding something else a couple months later and all was well, but no – it’s now a year and a half later and he has just now found something part-time and we’re starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, and about 10 months ago, I found out I was pregnant with #2 amidst all of this. Needless to say, it’s been an incredibly stressful year for us.
So I can attest that Crystal has some great points. I especially love #1. Practice Gratitude. I often found that in my darkest days, the only thing that got me through was to think about how things could be worse – and then to be thankful that I was not in that position and to be grateful for what I did have. It also helped to imagine a future me looking back on current me and telling myself that there are better things to come and that someday this phase of my life will be over…and that it will be worth it; I just have to push on and I will be stronger one day for having gone through this.
Jen E says
Best wishes to Heather.
I’m so happy you are blogging like this again Crystal. Your insight and wisdom is motivational and helpful. I may not be in as difficult of situation, but the words of advice are still applicable to where I am today.
Thank you.
Angi @SchneiderPeeps says
There is so much great encouragement and advice in this post and in the comments. Heather, I want to encourage you that this is a season – not what your whole life will be like – and like all seasons it WILL end. My husband has been unemployed several times, the first time was right after we moved for him to attend seminary. We had a 1 year old, almost no savings and now no job. That was 20 years ago but I can still remember it like it was yesterday. The last time he was unemployed it lasted almost 5 years. I can’t even believe it when I write that. There were many times when I felt hopeless during that time. It was hard. But you know what? Those were also some amazing 5 years. If you’re a christian, I know God is going to guide and protect your family and draw you closer to Him during this season. If you’re not a christian, He might just be using this season to reveal Himself to you. I’m praying for you!
Melinda says
Great tips Crystal!! My heart breaks for all the stories. I remember when we were newlyweds, first child, hard times. What helped us the most during those times was family. They would give us their left overs, watch the kids, etc. I would encourage everyone to reach out to Motherly/ Grandmotherly types at church. They would love to watch your children, fix you a few meals, wash your clothes, love on you!! I would love to have someone to help and encourage now in this season of my life. One other tip only listen to Christian music. Start your day with a great Christian radio station. It is amazing how it up lifts the heart and soul!!
chantel says
My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find work. 5 years ago my husband, myself and our 4 children moved 600+ miles away from our large extended family for a job opportunity. It turned out that the job is nothing like it had been described, the pay is less than 1/2 of what had been promised, and we are now facing a major company wide lay-off. Thankfully we have been able to put money aside for emergencies. I have called this our “Job period” as we allow God to strengthen our faith. Good things have come from this period, though. I have had to lean on my husband more than ever and our relationship has grown stronger because we haven’t had any family around to depend upon. My husband has been looking for work closer to our families for several years but nothing really promising has come up yet. For now, we keep praying, keep working at the current job until he is laid off, and prepare ourselves financially as well as we can.
I encourage you to draw close to your husband and dream big dreams even if it seems there is no way those things will come to be. In our darkest times just dreaming about where we want to be later down the road helped. Also those precious baby smiles and laughs makes the days seem a little lighter and more enjoyable. Even in the worst of times you can find joy if you look for it. May God bless you and best wishes.
denise says
I encourage you to join a local MOPS group which is a support system/group for moms who have at least one kid under 5. The one i belong to does scholarships for the membership fees for those moms who desperately need local mom support but cannot afford the membership fees. I joined one when we had just moved to a new city and we had a 2 and 4 year old and am still part of it 5 years later!
http://www.mops.org
Jen E says
MOPS saved me in a new city, twice. Love all the women of MOPS
Elizabeth says
Many years ago my husband and I found ourselves in semi similar circumstances. I can’t tell you to hold onto hope I was too concerned with everything to even focus on hope or despair.
My advice is being stubborn. Get through each day because you must there is no choice in this when you have a wee one. You don’t despair you just DO.
And two, forget pride. I flipped burgers and waited tables (flipping burgers was better new waitresses tend to get the worst shifts) and I worked at gas stations while my husband did holiday work stocking and donating plasma. We got onto what programs we could and swallowed our pride and during this time which did last several years we got educated and took baby steps.
The health and well-being of your family comes before any thing else so don’t worry about snide remarks, others’ opinions and what not. You keep moving forward and save where you can and do what you must because sitting on your thumbs worrying about it (not saying that is what you are doing but what some others do) isn’t going to fix anything.
Nora at Simple, Easy, Frugal says
These are all really excellent suggestions. I can’t stress enough the importance of Heather getting enough sleep and eating as well as possible. And getting out of the house and making connections is crucial.
One of my favorite things to do is gardening, and I meet so many people doing it! Neighbors and people taking walks always like to strike up conversation. So sometimes, you need to go as far as your front yard!
And the library is an excellent place to meet people when they have story times and such.
Hang in there Heather!
Sue says
These are good reminders as my husband just lost his job yesterday, and my son starts college in the fall. I have faith that God will provide, He always does, but it is still easy to let it get to me. (This is our 4th job loss of our 21 year marriage – it’s the industry he works in)
Fortunately, we have found a good church and will work hard at not burying our heads in the sand, but seeking God’s direction for what comes next.
Crystal Paine says
I am so sorry about your husband’s job loss! 🙁 I just prayed for you and your dear family!
[email protected] says
I am so sorry to hear about the hard time you are going through Jennifer. It is so hard to trust God when you can’t see anything good happening. May I encourage you to continue to trust and know that God’s timing is perfect. A few years ago, my husband was in college, we had a 14 month old and I was pregnant with our second, when my husband was unexpectedly laid off. Up until that point we had lost two cars (mechanical issues and a wreck), and a myriad of other things in our house had broken. The lost job was icing on the cake and it was three days before Thanksgiving. Somehow God made things work though, and my husband eventually got another job. But in the inbetween time, it was hard waiting for God to work, as I felt like right NOW was the right timing for a new job (and for things to stop breaking in our house!). I had to continually say to myself “For whatever reason, right now is now the right time.” Even though it may not feel like it, please know that God is carrying you and that He does have the perfect thing in store for you at the perfect time.
[email protected] says
*Heather* not “Jennifer”. Sorry for the typo!
Tabitha says
My heart aches for you….as I have found myself (and many others) in similar circumstances. Use this as a time to seek and challenge your creativity, lean on your faith, and find new support. I suggest joining a mother’s group, a hobby group, or a group at your local church. Visit the local library often, get to know your neighbors, and try to remember this is only a temporary situtation…it will get better. Focus on the good in your life, and pray about the rest.
Grace says
My family is dealing with job loss as well as some other very stressful issues right now. God has been gracious and we have a couple promising job leads, but it’s certainly been a difficult process to go through. For months now I’ve been telling myself to practice “radical faith.” Honestly, I think all faith is radical, but I have to use that term to remind myself to lean TOTALLY on God. God has been teaching me a lot about really trusting him and not leaning on my own understanding. It’s extremely easy for me to fall into anxieties, but God has met all of our needs, and I’ve learned to just take it one day at a time. I still lie awake at night sometimes wondering about our finances, but I am learning to EXPECT God to take care of us and to be patient and wait for his timing instead of wasting time worrying. All I need to do is be faithful to him and perform my daily work to the best of my ability; he’ll take care of the rest. Matthew 6:28-30 sums up the attitude I have been trying to cultivate this year. It’s easier said than done to trust in God, but I do think God has used this year to bless me in helping me grow in my faith and my relationship with him even though our circumstances have been difficult.
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?”
Amanda says
I haven’t gone through job loss and we live close to my husband’s family, but we have been through some really hard times this year. All of the advice given helped me in my situation.
My son was stillborn in February. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I have always had hope. We were put in this terrible circumstance. God was going to get us through. I am trying to share that hope with others.
We have had thousands of dollars of medical bills and burial and funeral expenses. We chose to not worry about where the money would come from. We did what we needed to do for our son and when the bills needed to be payed the money was there.
My advice would be to be real with people and let people help you. If someone offers to do something for you let them. They want to help or they wouldn’t have offered.
Jennifer says
Amanda, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your infant son. I am praying for you.
Tina says
Thank you for this post. My 4-year-old was diagnosed with epilepsy last summer and, needless to say, it’s been an expensive year. We were about $3500 away from paying off all of the medical bills when my husband unexpectedly lost his job in April. We are now a zero income family of 7. It has been an incredibly stressful time but we have seen God’s hand of blessing throughout the process. I look forward to implementing this list as we continue to press on!
Crystal Paine says
{Hugs!} I’m so sorry, Tina. I just prayed for some encouragement and hope to come your way today!
Tina says
Crystal, thank you so much! I just had to report that a dear friend brought a big load of groceries over today! What an unexpected blessing (and direct answer to prayer). 🙂
Crystal Paine says
That is SO cool to hear! Thank you for sharing!
ArdenLynn says
That happened to us a couple of times. My dh is in the hospitality industry and management teams are seen as expendable.
Honestly, I usually thought it was the end of the world and didn’t behave as I should have. What finally made me see that these things are only setbacks was having two critically ill children and a very sick dh within three years. Nothing else seems like such a big deal anymore.
Now, when things are good, we behave differently. We don’t overspend, we have worked hard to not only provide for our 8 children but to also overpay the mortgage (will have a 30 year mortgage paid off in 17, Lord willing), pay cash for cars, etc. We try our best put money aside for those inevitable times. I think this lifestyle will become more the norm now that most people change careers multiple times.
This is a very hard time for your family. Try to take the long view, have lots of faith that this will work out and when times are better, take full advantage of a steady paycheck.
Robyn says
My heart goes out to this woman! Crystal’s advice is right on. I would just add to be honest with people about your situation. As the weather is getting warmer and neighbors are outside and ask how things are going, how you like it here, etc, open up and say, “Things aren’t working out the way we planned, and my husband is looking for work.”
In this economy, so many people have faced similar situations, and you never know what contact will bring the next job for your husband! It also lets people know that you need help, and gives them that opportunity.
Years ago, when my husband was unemployed, I finally swallowed my pride and began to be honest about where we were at. I was amazed and blown away by people’s generosity — everything from bags of groceries left on our steps, generous offers of hand-me-downs for my growing kids, and small job offers (babysitting, before-school care) that really helped us through a rough time!
Now, I’m so glad to be able to pay it forward and am always humbled when people trust me enough to be honest about their situation.
Prayers for you today, that your husband lands quickly in a new job!!
Victoria says
Great advice especially the plugging into your local community part. It is tough especially if you are more introverted in nature but so worth it. I know when we moved across to country the best thing I ever did to help myself feel settled in a hurry was force myself out of my introvert comfort zone and not just meet people but connect with them. If I found someone at bible study interesting to talk to one week, then the next week I would step out of my comfort zone and suggest we go to lunch after bible study. Instead of talking to the same person week after week too I would make myself talk to one new person per bible study, or MOPS group on Sunday School (whatever the event was I would make it a goal to talk to one new person). I quickly made great friends this way who are so close now years later that I call them family.
Jennifer says
Oh, I feel your pain. My husband lost his job when I was pregnant. It was a scary time.
But know this, it may sound trite but I truly believe that God doesn’t shut one door without opening another. And, along those same lines, things happen for a reason.
Peace and strength to you and your family. I hope things are improving.
Jessica @ The Abundant Wife says
Heather,
We were in that exact same situation 4 years ago. My husband and I grew up in Maryland. We moved to Minnesota for a job, bringing our 6 week old daughter. 6 months later my husband went on 50% salary just as we found out we were pregnant with our second child. 1 year after we arrived, he was laid off. Our daughter was a year old, and I was 6 months pregnant with our son.
It was such a hard time. The year in Minnesota, and the following year living in my parent’s basement in Maryland. Honestly, reading Money Saving Mom was a big encouragement to me. When I first started reading here, Crystal had just bought a house with cash so I thought, “That’s next to impossible. I have nothing in common with this woman.” But then I read, “Less is More: Lessons from Our Little Basement Apartment,” and I was hooked.
Reading the stories of others going through similar situations, finding freebies, learning about Dave Ramsey and debt-freedom, writing down the things I was grateful for, sharing my own struggles and triumphs, learning to be creative and resourceful, and trying lots of new things helped a lot. Crystal’s advice above is spot on.
4 years later my husband is finishing up his third year of a job he loves in California. We’ve added a third child, and we’re only $4600 away from being debt-free of all about our mortgage. It’s been a long uphill climb, but we’re hanging in there. This too shall pass, and someday you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come. Keep doing the next right thing, one small step at a time. Kiss your husband and that precious baby of yours. God can teach you a lot through the lean times if you’re willing to learn.
Praying for you!
Jessica
Christy says
We had a 2yr old and I was less than 2 months from delivering our second child when we found out my husband only had weeks left of employment for the company he was working for. He had an option of flying to Alaska to work for a few weeks before the company shut down. My husband took the work in Alaska and keep reassuring me he would find a job right away when he got home. I tried to be confident and let him know I was on his team.
Honestly, I was surprised when my husband found a job just days after returning home! (I delivered the baby that same week!) His new job had benefits (not a lot but some) that the other did not and it paid more. Things were still frugal at my house but looking back now I can see it would’ve been so much harder financially had he stayed where he was. I feel God had a plan and the job loss was part it.
During that part of our lives our challenge was resolved quickly. There have been many more times during these 21years of married life when the unknown, uncontrollable and uncomfortable has gone on and on. Those times produced maturity and humility. Keep close to your hubby and be the mom your little one needs. Relationships are so important.
Jennifer says
“Keep close to your hubby and be the mom your little one needs. Relationships are so important.” Christy, that is wonderful advice. Very well said!
Lauren @ Mommy's Getting Strong says
I think these are really great tips. Although I don’t have an experience that is exactly the same, I have been in situations where I was totally overwhelmed. My husband deployed last year when we had a 10 week old baby and a 17 month old toddler. We lived 4.5 hours away from the closest family, and neither of the babies was sleeping through the night. I think the advice of going to bed early is excellent – everything looks so much worse when you are tired! I also found that setting a goal or focusing on a hobby helped me through the bad time. Granted mine was a situation with a definitive end so it was a little bit different, but having something that kept me very busy and distracted helped me to not focus on the chaos of the situation. For me, the hobby ended up turning into a business that I really focused on while my husband was gone, so it was a double blessing!
Melissa @ Freeing Imperfections says
What down to earth, great tips! This same situation happened to my parents when both my sister and I were born. Not fun to deal with I’m sure!